coming to a close.

My 21st Christmas has come and gone.
It's funny how times change....We went to my dad's Christmas morning at around 9am and the first thing we wanted to do is eat. I remember literally sprinting to get the presents Christmas morning when I was little. I miss those times, but I think I now know that the presents will still be there after the food. I love food.
This Christmas didn't feel like Christmas at all to me for a lot of reasons, but I am so grateful for the time I got to spend with my family.

My cousin Christopher is 5. He is getting so big. I think it's the most beautiful thing to watch a child grow up. He was talking and used the word "perhaps" correctly in a sentence. I'm thinking by the time he's 18, he'll be getting a perfect score on his SAT's.

I have a Russian aunt. Her Russian mom lives with her. She probably has a less than 50 word vocabulary of English. She's been here for almost 20 years and just doesn't want to learn the language, which is weird but oh well. It's the cutest thing, though. She loves to see us, kisses us and tells us how much we've grown in the best way that she can, by hand gestures. It's adorable.

I think I ate the whole world for Christmas. We had stuffed clams, shrimp, ham, sweet potatoes, green beans, meatballs, pork, raviolis, and apple pie. I had stomach pains for 24 hours. Ridiculous.

For Christmas I got 2 snuggies. Does that make me a loser? I think so. One was your classic snuggie in leopard print. The other was more classy. Zippered. I kind of look like a monk in it, but I really fit that look.

Yesterday I went to the City with my sister. It was cold, it was rainy but it was worth it. We went shopping, I showed her Herald Square, made her eat Thai food for the first time (she loved it, I was in heaven as well) and made her ride the subways with me, because for some scary reason I miss that a lot. I like to people watch I guess. It was sad because I miss the City so much, and there were so many people I wanted to see that either weren't there or the times didn't work out. We got to see the Rockefeller tree and watch people skate in literally puddles. People are crazy. Saw a lot of Asians taking pictures of ridiculous things, but that's your typical day in NYC on the streets. I love it. And, I've decided I love shopping and the clothes I found. I'm an impulsive dress buyer. Where do I wear these dresses? Good question.

That's my life update. Get a snuggie, it will change your life.

yesterday, today, tomorrow.

It's Christmas Eve, my family is as crazy as ever, and we're just wrapping up the night with my Mom. It's not quite the end of the year yet, but I figured like my friend Shay I would wrap up the year in a blogshell.

January February, March....What can I say. I grew a lot as a nursing student. I applied/got interviewed for my first internship, which I got and was so excited about. I had best friends for roommates that meant more to me than they'll ever know. We spent our Monday nights watching "Intervention" and feeling like we each needed our own just so we could take a break from life/clinicals. Although I don't really talk to them anymore, they were my saving grace last semester.


In April I turned 21. I felt old, I felt cool even though I was extremely sick. I spent the turn of midnight of my 21st birthday in an embarrassing, extremely loser-like situation. I will not mention this experience here....Kevin and Ali know.

My New Home......And my backyard.

In May, I moved to New York City. I had the most amazing time of my life. May, June and July flew by. I gained a best friend (thanks to relief society yoga night). Lauren will be my best friend forever. I absolutely adore her. I dated a guy for a month that was more confused and lost in life than I was. We had adventures. Life was full of walking the Brooklyn Bridge, tourist Thursdays, making friends, and walking through Times Square every morning to the subway to work on an orthopedics floor that was a love/hate job.

End of an Era...Next.

I was supposed to leave the first of August to go back home, but I fell in love. I absolutely adored the guy. The time we had dating was something I'd never take back. We never fought, it was perfect. But, sometimes life doesn't work out and fragile little hearts like mine are made for breaking. It was unforgettable, though. Jersey Boys, trips to Vermont and Utah, surprises, Washington Square Park...It was an experience I've learned and grown from.

At the beginning of this past semester, I found out that the one field I thought I wanted to go in was absolutely not for me. Critical care = me wanting to cry 24/7. But, I think I found a little niche in pediatric oncology. I don't feel like I'm ready to be a real nurse yet, but hopefully I'll feel better about this next May. I better.

Say Hey to Nurse Amy...........

I officially graduate May 15, 2010. I'm so excited for what's ahead of me. I'm looking for jobs currently in New York City and Utah, but my heart is in New York City right now (not because of a boy, duh)....So we'll see.

I'm Crazy

This is a shout-out to my friends Sam and Carly (see post below).
I showed them my blog, and now they think I'm the biggest nerd ever.

But, they told me to update on my weekend. I had the craziest/best weekend ever.
Friday I came down to Philadelphia...Reunited and it felt so good. We ended up going to our friends' apartment in downtown Philly. I'm officially declaring myself a part of the Cheltenham crew, we had so much fun.



Saturday was basically like the movie "Storm of the Century" except a million times better. Philadelphia got hit with 20 inches of snow, the most they've gotten in over 12 years. It was AMAZING. It started snowing at 3am Saturday morning (we were up until 5 obviously) and didn't stop until Sunday morning. Pennsylvania DOES NOT know how to pave roads. It was annoying, but it made the day all the more fun. We had to walk everywhere. What's cool about Cheltenham is that everyone is friends with everyone and has been since elementary school, and they all live within walking distance of eachother. We put on Sam's dad's snow gear and trekked out in the abandoned roads for hours. Then, our friend Dan's dad made us the most amazing dinner I think I've ever had. It was so good.

Please note Sam's head....Please. Actually, her whole outfit. We were looking like 4th grade boys.

The next day, I woke up to the best Jewish french toast ever. No wonder I gained 5 pounds in one weekend. Yesterday was pretty lazy...But, fun.
I was so sad to leave....But thankfully, hopefully Sam and Carly will be visiting me next week! I miss Cheltenham though.

Nightmares.

Usually, I'm not one to have nightmares.
The past couple of nights they've been terrible.

My first dream: I was in New York City, about to get on the subway. I was underground waiting for it and all of a sudden a bunch of people came and told us to get into a straight line. I dropped my purse, got in line, and we were marched to a subway train far away. The thing was, there were massive amounts of us being held hostage. We each got put on different subway trains that the terrorists told us they were going to blow up. A little Asian girl found me and told me her parents were involved in the attack, so she could help me because she liked my Penn State shirt. She kept ushering me into different cars, telling me that those ones weren't going to blow up. She got me past "security". It was this massive organized attack. I wasn't scared, that's the thing. Weird.

Next dream....I was with a friend whom I haven't seen for years in Elmira (near where I live). Elmira is kind of ghetto. Just a little bit. So we're driving and all of a sudden I see a kid get shot right in front of our car. A little kid. My friend told me to duck, but I'd be ok. Well, our car was the next to get shot. Somehow I got shot right through my right lung and I was bleeding all over. He took me to the hospital, I couldn't breathe, and I kept asking if I'd be okay.

Scariest dreams. Ever.

Trapped.

So I may or may not be trapped here in Hershey for another night.
I was on the road to leave for home today, and remembered my best friends out in Philadelphia. And how I really would love to see them. About 10 minutes into the drive, I turned around. I'm either leaving tonight or tomorrow....Tonight would be amazing because I think Hershey is driving me CRAZY.
I just love them so much and want to see them.

Meet Carly and Sam.

This is Sam and I: We were way young in this picture, about 15. Terrifying picture of me.

And Carly.....I forgot how ugly I was at this age.

Sam's a crazy redhead, and I love her so much. And Carly, she's the sweetest girl ever. They're both a year younger than me, but somehow taught me things I never knew about when I was at a young innocent age (haha). We met at Independent Lake Camp in 2002. Best time of my life. We were all bunkmates. We had a counselor that was a stripper as a side job, the other was deaf, and the other was named Simone-- An adorable girl from South Africa.
Anyway, we go way back. It's amazing to me that we still keep in touch even though we met when I was 13 or 14. Camp does that to you. You go for 2 weeks and you come out of it with the best friends on earth. My other friend, Kevin...Well he's nonexistent now that he has a girlfriend, but I still consider him my "Best friend from Maryland". I love them all.

Just a sidenote. Among searching the archives, I found this picture that I found humorous:
Me, reading the Book of Mormon at 17. I was just learning about the Church...So that summer, I'd lay out and tan while reading it. HAHAHA it kills me.

brain hurts.

Tomorrow, I get to go home.
Right now, my brain hurts.
I hate studying. Especially when this exam tomorrow is make or break.
In other news, I'm getting a Snuggie for Christmas so I can be lazy for 3 1/2 weeks in STYLE.
I want New York City.
The End.

all sorts of fun.

I love how gmail's spam folder has a button that says : "delete forever". Forever is a long time, don't you think?

I wore a zebra dress last night. I felt cool kind of. My goal was to show my fellow nursing students that in fact I can clean myself up, that I don't always look like a hot mess. I seriously look disgusting everyday here. What's wrong with me.

A girl from my nursing class came up to me last night and says, "I just know you as the girl who is always sitting in fetal position in class. You do the weirdest things with your legs, it kind of looks like a spider." SpiderGirl. That's what I'm going to be known as.

I'm on a studying hiatus right now. I can't get myself to study.

My roommates are starting to become obsessed with Lady Gaga. Thanks to me ;)
Let's just talk about how talented she is in this video....Pre-the Fame. Can we please appreciate how amazing she is at piano-- Especially towards the end.
P.S. I love the song "New York Girls" - Morningwood. Makes me want to dance.

Delighted.

It tickles my fancy a lot when I find songs that have my name in them.
When I was little, my dad told me that for every little girl, a song gets made just for them with their names in it. My song was "Amy" by Pure Prairie League.

"Amy what you wanna do?
I think I could stay with you
For a while, maybe longer if I do..."

I used to imagine two guys babysitting me, singing and playing this on guitar...Asking me what I wanted to do because we were bored and I wanted to play. Oh, the mems. That song means a lot to me.


Here's some more...Like, if you're obsessed with me and want to listen to songs that involve my name. Right.......So this is why I put a description of each song. Take your pick.

"Amy's Song" by Switchfoot. I play this song when I want to feel like I can conquer the world.
"Amy's Song" by Joshua Radin. It's sad, it's complicated, it's me. I think this is my current favorite.
"Amie" by Damien Rice (even though it's misspelled, it counts). I always picture my best friend Kevin Klein, whom I haven't spoken to in years, sing this to me while we're at summer camp.
"Amy" by Ryan Adams. It's something I wish someone would sing to me.

Play it.

Currently on the playlist:
"Comfortable" - John Mayer
"Amy's Song" - Joshua Radin


Beauty.


And since this is the first snow of the season, I figured I'd share with you a memory of mine from winter 2007....And a lesson to be learned: Never let Amy drive a car. Oopsies.

Mad Women?

This is a Mad Men post.
I've only seen one episode.
I watched it solely because there was a party in New York City that girls from church threw that was Mad Men themed. They dressed as girls from the late 50's early 60's. I love that era. I wish I lived during that time period, the 50's mostly.
I watched it, and I realized why the girls from NYC love that show so much.
Mad Men is set during the turn of a new era. It's about men and women in the workplace, at an ad agency in the Upper East Side to be specific. The new era women empowerment--It's okay for them to be in the workplace, be on birth control and promiscuous.
I'll just throw it out there-- Most of the girls in New York make their lives their jobs. They're in love with working in fashion, advertising, and everything else "in vogue". Marriage and family is on the back burner, because right now they're having fun and feel empowered thanks to their job and their passion for it.

Okay, I respect that. I realize this is probably a controversial post. But I fail to understand feeling empowered to the point where you think having a family is your last priority.
I believe women should be educated as much as they can. Women should have jobs that they're happy with. But the job shouldn't have the woman.

I want to be a mom and a wife more than anything. I love nursing. I love the versatility of it. I'm probably the most conservative dresser you'll ever meet. A couple of weeks ago, my dad told my sister she's definitely the more stylish one, and I could care less. Except for when I'm in New York and all of the girls around me at Morm parties look like dolls and I look like....Well, plain. But I'm proud to say that I will never make my job first in life. I wish I lived in the 40's. I would absolutely love to wear pearls and vacuum, cook dinner and most of all, have those hairstyles and dress beautifully yet simply. Is it really anti-feminist to think that?

Reading Nerds, Unite.

"A girl I once caught reading Fahrenheit 451 over my shoulder on the subway confessed: "You know, I'm an English lit major, but I've never loved any books like the ones I loved when I was 12 years old." I fell slightly in love with her when she said that. It was so frank and uncool, and undeniably true."

I found an article about how the books we read when we were little will always trump the ones when we're older...Because we're learning about life from these books. It's an awesome article.

When Books Could Change Your Life: Why What We Pore Over At 12 May Be The Most Important Reading We Ever Do

The Friend Ship Has Sunk.

Friends.

I've had plenty.
In preschool, I had 2 best friends. We had crushes on lots of boys.
In elementary school, Nichole and I were an inseparable pair.
In middle school, we made up cool nicknames for our "best friend groups". MAN, CANS, RANS....All of our initials obviously. These groups transitioned, some dropped out, some joined.
In High School, I had a group of girlfriends that I had the time of my life with. We were there for each other for anything and everything.
Senior year, I joined the Church. I had to start new. I lost almost all of my friends. They left me for people I would never hang out with if my life depended on it. To this day, most of them are still there.
College....I'm a loner. Honestly, I can't name one person (besides KDubz) that I tell everything to and/or trust. I don't have a best friend. I don't have a "group". I float around without a place I can call my "friend home". I honestly don't know if there's someone's shoulder I can count on to cry on at 3am.

So....I guess it's been guys I have dated that I've confided in. When a break up happens, it's truly like losing your best friend.

You sit there, have endless conversations during the immediate post break-up phase about how you'll always be friends, you can always count on me, you can call me whenever, we'll check up on eachother. "I really hope we can still be friends" just seems like a meaningless phrase that was used to end a conversation.

I don't want to date you. I want to be your friend. I want to be able to catch up; I know a lot about your life and you know about mine, and we still have a connection if only on that level.
I don't want to be ignored. And if I'm being ignored, I want to know why. I only want friends who are committed, and I feel like these types are SO hard to come by these days. If they're not a committed friend, I want them to be open and tell me that that's just not what they want. But they don't tell you, and you hurt and sit and wonder. You're lonely and in the end, all you really want is your friend back.


"Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" Jack Johnson

it will all work out.

Fear not, I am with thee,
Oh be not dismayed.
For I am thy God,
& will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee,
& cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous Omnipotent hand.


We are never alone.

It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is.
It all works out. Don’t worry.
I say that to myself every morning.
"It will all work out."
Put your trust in God,
and move forward with faith
and confidence in the future.
The Lord will not forsake us.
He will not forsake us.
If we will put our trust in Him,
if we will pray to Him,
if we will live worthy of His blessings,
He will hear our prayers

- Gordon B. Hinckley

I love that man....He was a true prophet of God, such an inspiration and a huge part of me gaining a testimony of the Church.

I put these quotes up mostly as a reminder to myself. Things will work out.

Late Nights.

Almost 2 am.
Beats the 5am nights I had during break. But the fact that I have to get up at 8:30am tomorrow, not cool.

I'm lost right now. I don't know how else to explain it. Just....Lost.

I try to run away from things, only to "bump" right back into them on my way out. It will never be gone. I need to face it head on, when all I really want is for it to disappear and never come back. But how do I face it?

How do you fix something that's broken seemingly beyond repair?
I think that there's no right answer to that question.

My eyes are tired. My mind is too. Which is probably why none of this makes sense.
Goodnight.

P.S. Watched the first episode of Entourage season One tonight....I very much enjoy it.

so weird.

Two items of weird today. Sad or funny one first?

Funny. Actually, it's not funny at all. It's DISGUSTING.
So I'm napping in my mom's bed because hers is the most comfortable, and her dog Benji, who I hate, is lying there with me. He jumps off and then sneaks under the bed. I assumed it was to follow our cat PepperAnn because they like to cuddle sometimes, so I looked to see what was going on. It was then I found out that Benji is an underwear snatcher. He has 4 pairs of my (clean) underwear that he's collected under my mom's bed and is cuddling with them. Only MY underwear. I've learned one thing today, and it's to put my stuff in drawers. But, it just boggles my mind. I don't really have underwear just lying around. I'm thinking he went through my bags. And WHY not anyone else's underwear? My sister/mom had theirs all over the place this past week.

Sad and short.
I woke up today at an embarrassingly late hour, went into the kitchen, and my mom's looking at me weird. She goes, "Amy, why were you crying this morning?" I swore up and down I wasn't crying. She then told me at 9:30 this morning she hears me break into sobs for about 10 minutes. The dogs were outside of my door worried. So, I was crying hysterically while sleeping this morning. I remember what I was dreaming about, but I'm not going to share it just because it IS something that upsets me, even though it shouldn't. But still, I dream about this thing a lot so I wonder how many times I actually cry in my sleep. I didn't know I did that.


p.s. Kevin says.... "WHY YOU No HAF BOyFrAnnNnN?!"
Good question. Point to ponder.

sweet home.

Well...Sometimes. Bittersweet, I guess.
But these nights are what I live for. Obviously i had a lovely time yesterday due to Thanksgiving. I ate about a million pounds of food, more or less. It was glorious. My family is beautiful...Once I get pictures I'll post them. I enjoyed every minute I spent with them in Connecticut (minus the 5 hour drive). My baby cousin is 5. How did he get so big? I just don't comprehend little kids becoming big...It's not fair. My cousin Devin and I have much more in common than I thought; We had a lot of fun together. A Fine Frenzy, Meiko, and Regina Spektor were all included on our playlist last night while hanging out in her room. I haven't hung out with her in over 5 years. It was definitely amazing. Plus, I got 2 books out of it. "The Philosophy of Andy Warhol" and "Prozac Nation". I'm officially in reading mode, watch out world.
Right now, I'm having a girl's night (plus Kevin) at my mom's. Watching "The Sweetest Thing", loving life and loving the comfort of home. Late night Thanksgiving leftovers are what I am most looking forward to. Turnips, turkey, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, gravy, sweet potato casserole, need I say more? Maybe this was pointless, but right now I am so content.

P.S. All of my friends are out at bars...Where am I? LOVING my family. Even if some of them aren't related to me.

breaking.

Break.
It's been lots of late nights, but totally fun and worth it.
I love my family, even though they're loud and crazy sometimes.
It's been movie day. We're still in our Pajamas and it's 4:50pm. Ordering pizza and staying in. On movie number two. First was "The Taking of Pelham 123"- I don't remember the last time I got so into a movie, it was so intense and the actors were PHENOMENAL. Right now, "Sugar and Spice". Highly embarrassing to admit I'm watching that.
Tomorrow, going to Connecticut.
Happy Thanksgiving!!


p.s. 'Oceans' - The Format
Why am I scared of people in a room?
Why can't they see a good time are the people close to you?

These lyrics kind of remind me of tonight....The biggest party/bar night of the year, since everyone is home from college. I was invited to go out with a bunch of friends, but you know what I'm doing instead? Sitting home, playing with my sister and Kevin, possibly making forts and eating a lot of food. I think it beats a sweaty, crowded bar any day.
"You know the night life it's just not for me,
'Cause all you really need are a few good friends."

answers.

Laughter cures everything.
Watching TV in mom's bed makes life okay...But only if it's Ghost Hunters or THS Investigates.
Sometimes, all you really need are a few (or two, or one) good friends.
Home cooking is comforting.
Chelsea Handler is hilarious.
Lady GaGa is our Queen.

hope finds a way.

I'm avoiding studying at all costs.
It's been a while since I've posted about my student nurse experiences. Case of the seniors. However, right now I feel inclined to do so.
Once this semester, each of us in pediatrics gets to do a rotation in the specialty clinics. Today was my day. I was excited only because I didn't have to go in until 8am.
I was placed in the pediatric cancer specialty clinic, an outpatient clinic where kids go to get spinal taps, chemotherapy, infusions. There, I saw hope. I saw little kids with leukemia and cancer walking around with big smiles on their faces. They were the bravest little ones I've ever seen in my life. I saw their parents, carrying binders and folders filled with information, medication lists, blood counts. It was one big family, that clinic.
We can't say our lives are hard until we see these children and the optimism they carry with them. They light up a room with their big hearts, full of hope.


I saw a note on the bulletin board by a 7 year old girl. It said:
"Today is my last day of chemo, halleluia!! Now I don't have to go to the doctors for 3 months. I'll miss you." She listed all of her nurses and doctors who took care of her in a big heart.

My first two years of college, I was heavily involved in THON, a 46 hour no sitting, no sleeping dance marathon for these children with cancer at Hershey Medical center. Last year alone, they raised $7.5 million for the kids. Each year that number rises. THON is a schoolwide, year round ordeal at Penn State. It is the largest student-run philanthropy in the world. These children treat THON like Christmas...They get to play with other kids who have the same struggles, and with cool college kids. Today, I saw what their lives were like. I will always remember today.

Cheers to...

Cheers to Pennsylvania, one of the most useless states out there.
Every year, my goal is to be a little more optimistic. This year, I'll set aside my hatred for this state and reflect on the good that has come of me living here.

1) Penn State. I'm not very grateful for some of the situations I've been put in, the lack of Church activities, the extreme overly-drunk students walking around 24/7 literally (me=negative Nancy), but I am grateful for being a part of this school. I can attest that they call it Happy Valley because of the school spirit and pride you feel on that campus. I remember walking plenty of times to class, taking a deep breath of air in and smiling because I went to such a great school on a beautiful campus.

2) Friends.

I'll be honest, I don't have a lot of close friends in Pennsylvania. I only really became close to 2 girls at main campus, and one was a friend from highschool, so I guess that doesn't count. So, albeit new friendships, I am thankful for friends here in Hershey. Cheers to sanity, or lack thereof.


3) NetFlix, scrapbooking, reading, Skyping....
Thanks to there being nothing to do in PA, I've found solace in getting that little red encased DVD in the mail. I reminisce monthly while trying to finish my New York City scrapbook, and sadly reflect back on the summer when I had it all. I read and read some more. I Skype (self explanatory).

4) Chocolate.
I live in "The Sweetest Place On Earth", (note: I am not grateful for living here).....Sometimes if you're lucky, while walking outside there's a hint of chocolate in the breeze. And it's not just me smelling things, it's real. The chocolate factory is pretty close by. On occasion, I'll lower my windows in my car for this reason. It smells good. But then there are bad days, when it's cow manure instead. It's basically Farmville out here (shoutout to farmville......not).




Pennsylvania and I have officially set aside our differences. I guess.

you don't know me...

Ha. Title is irrelevant. Usually they are. But to answer your question Shay (since you're like 1 of 3 that read my blog) but you were right, the last post title was a subliminal shoutout to Taylor Swift. I love that song.

I'm really feeling this 70 degree weather in the middle of November. Today is November 15th...This means exactly 6 months until I graduate. The countdown starts today. I feel like I can do this!!!

I went to my last Penn State football game as a student yesterday. It was the senior game. It was bittersweet. Not gonna lie, got a little teary eyed while watching the "senior video". I think it's because right now, I'm a part of something that's bigger than myself...I can affiliate myself with the Penn State students. Now, I can't anymore. Whatever. I'll get over it. I guess I'll still be "a part of something bigger": 1 of every 127 Americans with a college degree is a Penn State grad. So I guess I'll be in good company. In NYC, I'm sure that statistic will be even higher thanks to the concentration of people.
Honestly though, going on campus today, I felt so old. 3 out of 4 people I passed were little youngsters. The freshmen start to look like little babies to me. Too bad I was one of them 3 years ago, looking all confused roaming the campus.

This is me from the first week of freshmen year: Background, the dorms. Find me in the crowd of girls who I ceased to be friends with shortly after fall semester. Oh, the mems.

Come in with the Rain.

April 2008:

Evolve.
A change is coming.

I can't be afraid of what people say about me, or believe. Only I know the truth. I need to do this for myself. I need to stand up for what I believe is right, despite criticism. That is what the criticizers taught me after all. I'm coming back.


God, give me strength. ♥

Afterword: I wrote this April of 2008 in a journal I have on my computer but never really used. I found it today. It was a pivotal day in my life. I had been inactive for a while, and it was the day I decided to go back to church. No one pushed me but myself, and I was so excited. I look at that and get the chills everytime. I love it...Just wanted to share it : )

is there such thing?

Consensus is, I'm too nice.

I think if this were a few years ago, this would not be the case. I had "sass". But, I've found that you can be on people's good sides if you're nice all the time. So, I've become a nice robot. I love doing nice things for people. I love giving gifts just because, and writing people letters. I don't expect anything in return.
Today after having deep conversations with two friends, a conclusion was made that we all agreed on: I'm a pushover. Being nice is awesome, but there's a point where it can affect how people think of you as. There's such thing as "too nice". If you're too nice, people see you as a pushover. They can win you over, they can do whatever they want and you won't care.

Something's gotta change with this picture. How though?

flying kites.

I honestly don't remember ever flying a kite when I was little. I remember having one, just not the flying part.
I read the book "The Kite Runner" about 5 years ago. It was a beach-read, I remember really liking it though. I finally got around to watching the movie adaptation tonight. I was blown away by it. I think it's my favorite movie adaptation of all time, but this could be because I haven't read the book in so long so don't hold me to it. I don't have much patience for movies anymore and this was all in subtitles, but I just loved it. I love history, different cultures, crying. So this movie was for me. I very much recommend it.

This is a poem from the movie that I absolutely loved.

Who Are We In This Complicated World?

If we come to sleep,

We are His drowsy ones.

And if we come to wake

We are in His hands.

If we come to weeping,

We are His cloud full of raindrops.

And if we come to laughing,

We are His lightning in that moment.

If we come to anger and battle,

It is the reflection of His wrath.

And if we come to peace and pardon,

It is the reflection of His love.

Who are we in this complicated world?

Randoms.

I have 3 random orders of business.

First, I have a confession to make: I'm way too nice. So Friday night, I was making my way back to Wall Street at a super late hour (around 3am) on the subway. I think it's normal for girls to be pretty freaked out. Me? No way. Fearless is my middle name. A drunk guy stumbles and basically falls into the seat next to me, and apologizes while his "companion" is laughing uncontrollably. These guys are probably in their early 30's and gay. We bond; it's going to be a long train ride so why not? I don't think I've ever laughed so hard. We talked about lasik surgery, reading books, college, being businessmen in New York City, Brazil. We chatted for so long that they didn't realize they were on the wrong train until it was a little too late. When it was time for us to part, we exchanged numbers so that we could make sure each of us got back okay. First of all, who does that? Apparently me. I give my number to gay guys on the subway so they can check up on me and make sure I get home. Hey, they were nice so I felt like I should be too. However, this morning I get a text message mid-clinical from one of them. It reads: "Scooby Dooby Doo, Where are you. We got some work to do now." Should I be worried?

Second...My roommate comes in the apartment today to tell me she got attacked in a Wal Mart bathroom. Two fat black girls were fighting, blood all over in the bathroom. My roommate walks out of the stall and gets pummeled. Both girls ended up in the hospital, this is how bad the fight was, but my roommate walked out okay. Harrisburg Wal Mart is the scariest place on earth. I think I'm the only one who doesn't use food stamps there. One time, a lady came up to my roommate and I to tell us she just witnessed a shooting down the road and the killer was on the loose, so be careful. Great.

On a last note, I think I'm falling into Lady Gaga's spell. She makes me want to dance (AND she was born in Lenox Hill Hospital..I'm doing my internship in maternal-newborn there next semester!!! LHH: Where stars are born). There's a theory going around that Lady Gaga is a part of the Illuminati. Since I fall into her trance without a clue why, maybe they're right. HA. Read up little ones.

Split Screen Sadness.

I miss my best friend Lauren.
However, thanks to Skype we can pretend we're watching TV together at the same time. Miss your friends/family TV nights? Want that girls' night back that you lost thanks to your best friend living across the country? Fret no more!
Steps:
1) Sign up for netflix.
2) Pick a show to become addicted to (currently Moonlight); Each order your own discs.
3) Pick a time to meet on Skype, put in your headphones.
4)Press play at the same time.
5) Laugh, cry, and watch one another's reactions as if you were in the seat right next to them.

I now have something to look forward to in Hershey. Thank you Lauren Johnson, but no thank you for living so far away.

I just found out the book I'm reading, "A Prayer for Owen Meany" by John Irving, is actually the basis for the movie "Simon Birch". I'm on page 580, and this didn't click at all. Thanks Shay for that wake up call.

Growing Up.

Matthew. My TOUGH little brother.

My little brother Matt....Born November 4th, 1994. I was in 1st grade and I remember my Grandma coming all the way from England for the occasion. I was so excited for a little brother. A sister was a hassle and someone to fight with. Plus, I was now at the mature age of 6 and ready to handle big sister responsibilities.
I remember my brother pretending to be a hockey player and ruining all of his socks "skating" in our living room. The TV was always occupied when the Sabres were playing. Who picks a favorite hockey team at the age of 3? He was obsessed. My dad swore it was because it was the year the Rangers won the Stanley Cup. That little kid could skate like no one's business. He was my dad's pride and joy, his first and only son to play catch with, teach how to skate, and golf with. He was bleach blonde when he was little.


I don't ever remember us not getting along, besides me getting frustrated when he threw his temper tantrums. We had a "wrestling match" once when we were bored; I was 15. He won.

Matt, now you're 15. You're in highschool, you're almost 6 feet tall, and you tower over me. But, it's fitting because I look up to you. I am so proud of you and who you have become. You're SO smart, such a great hockey player, and you have so much going for you in life. Whenever I talk about you to my friends I have this huge smile on my face and brag about how cool of a brother I have. I am so lucky to have you as a "little" brother.



I love how the last two pictures show how the roles have reversed.

senioritis.

This year is hitting me hard.
Awesome, it's already November. But I have barely gotten by this semester. In fact, right now I'm putting off studying for an exam tomorrow. I was telling my roommates how I'm sick of learning about nursing. They said, "WELL I hope this isn't a problem, you'll be doing this the rest of your life!" Yeah, but I'll be practicing what I love. Not taking exams, dealing with instructors I don't like, etc. I've missed 2 clinicals which is bad news. I just don't have motivation.

This weekend I'm going to the City. It should be fun. I have a lot planned actually. Group lunch, a date (WHAT?!), run/walking a 5k, brunch, Hot Chocolate tasting party, lunch with two different people at two different times, birthday party.....Cannot wait.
And Ohio State's at Penn State this weekend...Cross your fingers for Penn State to DOMINATE.


The song "The Way I Loved You" by Taylor Swift has been in my head all night.

My little sis.

To my sister:
It is your birthday as of 3 1/2 hours ago (even though you weren't born until 12pm). You were the little devil sister that could REALLY push my buttons and I love you so much for that. We used to fight all the time, and tonight during dinner I realized really that you mean so much to me...I'm so glad we finally saw through our differences and decided to get along. You are my polar opposite, but I am so grateful that I have you as a sister. Even though the time we get to spend together is short, I really love it.




Eh, I'm cheesy.
I spent the last few days in Philadelphia. It was SO good to see some friends. Ugh I miss them so much already.
I'm just in a weird mood. Maybe it's because it is 3:40am. But regardless...happy Halloween. I'm a twig for Halloween. Because, that's what everyone called me that while growing up, so I figured I'd fulfill the stereotype...It actually turned out to be a cool costume, fun to find for sure. We spent about an hour in the Wal Mart dressing room and I ended up buying size 10/12 in kids leggings. Love my life.
Ali: Even though maybe I look like I'm Ethiopian, I'll always be there to punch out other girls for you. Because I'm your BIG sister. No matter what.

caught up

"The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone."

The truth is, we're not alone.

I feel like it's so easy to get caught up in things....We forget that. Just wanted to remind myself/people who read this. I found the quote on somebody's facebook page (see, stalking pays off).
And I put up a picture of the Manti temple because it's my favorite temple, and as I was reading the quote I thought of it.

a LOVE-ly post.

So, my relatively new good friend Shay posted a post about love, and it really got me thinking about the word and what it means. Everyone defines love differently. Herein lies the problem.

These are my thoughts.

I am a very loving person. I give away my love all too easily. I think in general I give way more love than I receive, but I usually don't mind. I love to love. I think some people know a very important saying to me is "All You Need Is Love"....Apparently I was stupid enough to think it would be okay to even tattoo that saying on my foot as a constant reminder (I regret this). But it still has such meaning to me. Love is beautiful, and I'm not just talking about romance kind of love. I have love for my family, friends, patients, dogs, Pepper Ann, the world and most of the people that inhabit it, and most importantly Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I love people who don't love me back. I love people who have taken me for granted. But, I still love them.
What hurts the most, in any type of relationship is when someone says they don't know if they love you anymore or if they ever did. Don't say you love someone if you're not 100% sure you mean it. Love is SUCH a strong word. I feel like if you love someone, you will always love them no matter what to some extent. Even if it's in the tiniest place in your heart, your love for that person will always be there. I know that's true for me.


Kind of Love related..
This morning I watched a little 2 year old boy undergo open heart surgery. It was by far one of the most beautiful things I've seen, to witness this little boy's live, beating heart right in front of me (albeit a terrible circumstance). Life is so beautiful. Cherish the life you're given. We all have that heart somewhere inside of us.

NOTting Hill.

Lazy Sunday's are....Boring, but sometimes totally necessary.

I spent 2 hours of my Sunday watching "Notting Hill". I remember liking it when I was younger. I got 2 things out of the movie......1) Julia Roberts is beautiful. She is just stunning. and 2) love is a lot more complicated than a few conflicts in the story line, and then a resolution at the end. Like an oops, I messed up let's try this again, finish. No, it doesn't work like that unfortunately. And whoever says American girls rely on pop culture, especially film to teach them what dating is like and therefore we are all led astray, this is true. But it was a cute movie. And I realized where this famous line came from:

"Don't forget. I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy...asking him to love her."

Only a line Julia Roberts could pull off.

This was another ridiculous, useless post.

On another note, I love Skype and how I can watch TV with my best friend all the way out in Utah...We can scream, laugh and "ooooh" at how hot the guys are in the show, and we can see eachother while doing it. Haha.

pondering

Maybe this is a ridiculous thing to blog about (actually, everything I blog about is ridiculous usually), but today I'm trying to be a little sympathetic/understanding amidst a stupid thing I did today that I refuse to talk about.

So, something that REALLY irks me is when I look at photos on facebook, in albums titled "I felt pretty today" or "good pictures of me", and they consist of not 1 but about 85 images of solely themselves. The song "You're So Vain" is cued in my head at most times.
But I tried to see it from their point of view today. I think a lot of these people do this to boost their confidence and remember that they ARE pretty. When I have my "feeling pretty" days, I feel good about myself. Maybe these girls just want to capture their moment on film and share it with the world because they feel confident at the moment. It's a completely normal, womanly thing to want to feel pretty everyday.

So women, go on and conquer the world. If it's your thing to document this and post it on facebook, then I guess that's your call. I'll still be singing "You're So Vain" in my head, but know that I'm a little bit more understanding.

along came...

Just wanted to share with you one of my favorite SNL skits (besides any by Andy Samberg obviously)....Debbie Downer is classic....This is one of my favorites because Lindsay is in it and she used to be my favorite actress embarrassingly enough. The other reason is self-explanatory. Even the actors couldn't hold in their laughs.








SNL - Debbie Downer Featuring Lindsay Lohan Video - Buzznet - Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

you shouldn't give up.

Someone found this written on a piece of paper , stuck in a book in a bookstore. What a pleasant surprise it would be to find this as a reminder.

You shouldn't give up.
Fight for yourself and
who you are. You've got
to go through the worst
times in life to get the best.

So I just watched "A Little Princess", throwback movie from 1995 and it seriously made my heart melt. It was my absolute favorite movie when I was little. I remember going to buy it at the movie store and it came with this cute little locket like the one the girl wears in the movie. I wore it everywhere. Watching that movie reminded me of how much of an imagination I had when I was little...I think that's why I loved that movie so much. I TOTALLY suggest going to go watch a movie from your long lost childhood that you have forgotten about. It puts a smile on your face :)

patience.

A word I've always despised. There's always something you "can't wait" for. Christmas, for instance. That's something you're impatient for when you're little. Or growing up. Or summer break.

Patience is so important, that's obviously why the word is in the scriptures so many times, but it will always be something I struggle with. Because everyday, you have to be patient for whatever it is you want. Every day it's something to think about.

Anyway...Me rambling at 1am. Not cool.

have you ever...

Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to stay in all day, curl up on the couch and read all the books you used to read when you were little? I would LOVE to remember the titles of all the books I read. They made me so incredibly happy and I loved them so much. I don't know what my parents did with them, but they're gone. They were the cutest stories ever, too. Now, it's just one mashed up memory of a bunch of tidbits of the stories.

one great gift.

Today, I was thinking of people's birthdays. The funny part was, the birthdays I remembered were birthdates of people I barely knew. I saw it once probably on facebook, pondered upon it for a second, and then it was stored in my memory.

I think one of our greatest gifts is the gift of memory. I think if the veil was lifted and we COULD remember our pre-existence, I would probably remember the coolest/most random details. My friends used to be astounded at my memory. I'm really good at numbers. I'm even better at remembering random events that occurred when I was little. It's a source of such great joy for me when I remember little things from my childhood. It also is a source of sorrow, because in pretty fine detail I can remember a lot of struggles in my childhood.

I was talking about memories from my childhood earlier with a friend, and then I thought about it in serious detail while driving and talking to my Grandma. She had a stroke last weekend. She was telling me how she was forgetting things, daydreaming a lot, and is in therapy to help improve her memory at the rehabilitation center. 95% of the time on the phone, she sounded like my grandma. But then she'd forget I was at school and warn me to watch out for crazy people on the subway. That's not like my grandma.

Memory is such a beautiful gift that we are given. They can make us laugh, make us cry, but most of all remind us that we live in a mostly beautiful world.


Most beautiful lyrics ever.....That remind me I still have that little girl inside of me :) how lame. Ha.

"Seven Years"
-Norah Jones

Spinning, laughing, dancing to
Her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
Is all alone

Eyes wide open
Always hoping for the sun
And she'll sing her song to anyone
That comes along

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just falling to the ground
Without a sound

sidenote.

p.s. general conference was so wonderful, so necessary. what a great weekend to have it on. it reminds me that heavenly father knows me. He knows what I need, how I feel, what I need to hear. He knows what I'm going through and He wants to help me. He knows of the potential that I have in me and that sometimes, I just need to be reminded.


This is from a previous talk, not in this general conference...but i love it.

"First of all, I want you to be proud you are a woman. I want you to feel the reality of what that means, to know who you truly are. You are literally a spirit daughter of heavenly parents with a divine nature and an eternal destiny. That surpassing truth should be fixed deep in your soul and be fundamental to every decision you make as you grow into mature womanhood. There could never be a greater authentication of your dignity, your worth, your privileges, and your promise. Your Father in Heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in Him. Because of this divine heritage you, along with all of your spiritual sisters and brothers, have full equality in His sight and are empowered through obedience to become a rightful heir in His eternal kingdom, an "[heir] of God, and joint-[heir] with Christ." Seek to comprehend the significance of these doctrines. Everything Christ taught He taught to women as well as men. Indeed, in the restored light of the gospel of Jesus Christ, a woman, including a young woman, occupies a majesty all her own in the divine design of the Creator. You are, as Elder James E. Talmage once phrased it, "a sanctified investiture which none shall dare profane."
Be a woman of Christ. Cherish your esteemed place in the sight of God. He needs you. This Church needs you. The world needs you. A woman's abiding trust in God and unfailing devotion to things of the Spirit have always been an anchor when the wind and the waves of life were fiercest. I say to you what the Prophet Joseph said more than 150 years ago: "If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates."

Song on my playlist today: "Daughter of a King "....Not sure who it's by.

whatevs

if i were a boy.....

Ha. The title of this is irrelevant (like a lot of my titles). I've just been listening to a lot of Beyonce lately. Don't hate. Usually not my type of music, but her music is pretty powerful. I'm actually perfectly content with being a girl though, minus the emotions part.

Nothing really new has been happening in my life. I'm just home for the second weekend in a row. My sister is coming home tomorrow and gracing me with her presence. Life is pretty stagnant right now. I need something interesting to do on the weekends. I really have nowhere to go most of the time now. It's really interesting...One lesson I learned this summer is I was ready to leave the nest (that being home); I was away for close to 4 months without ever stepping foot on Horseheads soil, and I was content. I didn't really miss too much about the place. I've now been here for 2 weekends in a row. Frankly, it's driving me crazy. My mom's house is a zoo. I don't really have many friends here. There's nothing to do except for Taco Bell and WalMart runs (and I realized the only thing I miss about WalMart is it's unbeatable prices, I would trade New York over WalMart any day).

In other news, I will most likely be in New York City next semester on the weekends. I was invited to do a preceptorship in maternal/newborn nursing at Lenox Hill (where I had my externship). I'm so excited that I have this opportunity. Let's cross our fingers that this all works out. I simply asked about if they offered preceptorship opportunities, and I got this e-mail.
"I discussed your request with the Nurse Managers in Maternal-Child Health and they said they would love to have you. Please complete everything in the attachments, so you can begin. Welcome back"

I am SO blessed to be offered that position so quickly. They welcomed me back with open arms, and I'm very grateful for it!

"Skeleton Song"
-Kate Nash

empathy.

Empathy is a word you hear ALL the time in the nursing world. So is compassion. So is being understanding.
Today was so depressing.
I had a patient in her 30's. Keep in mind, she is in her early 30's. She was diagnosed with leukemia in 2007. She received multiple chemo therapy sessions, she had a stem cell transplant in 2009. After that, things went downhill. She got graft vs. host disease, her body rejected the stem cells which led to her kidneys failing. She was then diagnosed with colon cancer that spread to her lungs and her bones. She is getting progressively worse. She is totally aware of what's going on, she can talk but barely, she is in constant pain. She has to have this loud mask covering her face. She is crying most of the time. When I went to help her, she grabbed my hand to hold it. I instantly felt her pain. Why is she still alive? It has to be for a reason. She is suffering. She is getting worse and they know she will die. If someone took of that mask, she'd probably die in a minute or two.
I wish I could do something. Ugh.
ENOUGH of the depressing stuff.

I keep having these dreams where I am fighting random people I don't know. In one, I was riding my bike to my dad's and these creepy teenage guys were following me. They were rearending my bike. What the heck. So they came to my house and wanted to fight...I pinned one down and they were all laughing at me including him and egging me on to punch him. I did, but he kept laughing..I woke up.
The next one, I was with Nichole and we were in New York City. She was visiting me because obviously in an ideal world I would live there....These girls on the street wanted to fight me. So I did. It's unclear who won, but we both came out in pretty rough shape. Then me and Nichole had a slumber party and stayed up until 6am. Again, what the heck.

So I looked up what it means when you're fighting people.
"The meaning of dreams about fighting usually symbolizes anger and confusion that comes about in times of change. Fighting with strangers usually represents an internal struggle."
Haha, dream interpretations.

i remember.

I remember the first time I woke up and thought, "Was last night all just a bad dream?"

I was 14. It was the day before my first time cheering for a football game. Steph and I were at Nichole's and we hated boys obviously. We decided it would be rebellious to dye our hair because of this hatred we felt. We decided to go wild and pick dark brown...Even though we already had dark brown hair, I guess we thought it was possible to make it just a little bit darker before it turning black. So, we had a fun night dying it...Until Nichole washed it out for us in the shower (which is a hilarious story in and of itself) and we dried it, looked in the mirror, and realized our hair was JET BLACK. I remember Steph and I bursting into tears. Steph kept saying over and over again, "We look like we belong to the Addam's Family!!!" And I was just thinking, "my first day of highschool AND my first football game, I will be looking like a loser". We went to bed that night after planning on dying our hair back the following day, but it had to be after the football game. This was an emergency. I woke up the next morning and covered my face with a pillow thinking, 'was that all just a bad dream?' Then, I looked in the mirror and reality struck.
We have a picture of Steph and I the day of that football game. I look at it now and I think it didn't look so bad; I was tan and dark hair just accentuated it, I looked cute. It didn't have to be that bad of a night like we made it out to be. Actually, I ended up dying my hair that color later on in highschool, I guess again as an act of rebellion but still. I knew what it would look like, and I did it anyway. And I liked it.

Ah, how small of a deal things were then, and I didn't even know it. You live, you learn.

I don't.

I don't want to sleep and it's 2:18am and I have church in the morning. Is this bad news? Yes. Is this my third post for today? Yes.
I just went for a drive at 1:00am so I could listen to music. It was peaceful. It was raining.

I found a journal at my dad's to add to my collection of journals (I'm currently in the process of keeping them all in one place so I can one day give them to my future family).....It was from 1995, when I was in 2nd grade. I read it and it made me smile so much. I loved life. I still do, but I really had so much pure, innocent happiness in my heart then. I got pleasure out of the simplest of things...Like assemblies, two hour delays, going to the bookstore (some things never change).

A Fine Frenzy.

That's the name of the music group...
An old friend introduced me to them, I added their song on my iPod, I sang along to it occasionally, but it never really had any meaning to me until now (minus the wine part, ha).
I may be ridiculously and seemingly "emo" for posting this, but in my defense this is a beautiful song and I like sharing beautiful songs.

"Ashes and Wine"
Don't know what to do anymore,
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
I'll drown in my tears
Don't they see?
That would show you, that would make you hurt like me

All the same, I don't want mudslinging games
It's such a shame, to let you walk away

Is there a chance,
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This day's spinning surface on a wheel
I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
Coffee laced intoxicating on his lips

Cut it out
I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed to wear your freedom down

Is there a chance,
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may chance your mind,
Or are we ashes and wine?

I'll tear myself away
Since that is what you need
There is nothing left to say
But

Is there a chance,
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind,
Or are we ashes and wine?
The day's still ashes and wine
Or are we ashes...





This is the song.....IN no way am I a Grey's Anatomy fan or whatever this nonsense tv show is, but I thought it was a good video and I just wanted you guys to listen.


p.s....I had movie night with my mom tonight. it was supposed to be a cute little date. guess who fell asleep 2 minutes into the movie and the other (me) had to listen to her snoring the whole time? ha. but in better news we got a kitten!

Urban Dictionary.

Somewhere, somehow I got the idea to urban dictionary my name....you know, on www.urbandictionary.com . I was surprised that most of the definitions of "me" were good. Here are my favorites.


Amy

the name derives from the French word "Ami" meaning friend, and the French word "Amee" meaning beloved. She is uncommenly loyal, and once friends with you will always be there for you, she has fierce morals, despises betrayal and rumors, and talking about people behind their backs. She is not usually liked by many, as many are threatened or intimadated by her goodwill, her intelligence and her uncommen good looks, however the ones that do like her will remain her very best of friends the whole way through. She forgives easily but never allows herself to be walked over. She is mature for her age and has a very wise way of thinking of things, she loves to laugh and will never be the last to have a joke. She is a fierce, fierce friend, never the one to leave a friend hanging, alone, upset, angry and hates to fall out with them. She has big dreams, a big future ahead of her and had planned it out, but is trying not to think of that right now and focus on now, the present.

I like this one too..

Amy

A girl, who will always forgive but refuses to be walked all over, she is loved by the people who matter to her the most. She is very talkative, and likes to laugh. She is a friend who can be relied on at all times. She sometimes feel pressured to change the way she is or looks, but realises quickly that that is what makes her different. She isn't liked by many as they don't like the thought of anyone who might be different to them.

Am I super lame for Urban Dictionary-ing myself? Probably, yes.

maybe.

i don't know,
but i might just be not writing in this for a little while.
maybe i'll change my mind...probably, because i'll be pretty lonely a lot (just a prediction). this blog is good company. even if no one listens, my blog does.

i'm stopping writing in my journal too. i don't like when bad things happen to me and i have to write about them.

every girl..

Just so everyone knows.
Every girl has planned in their mind...that they want to be moms, they want to be wives. they want to have babies, and have the perfect family and have the perfect life.
Ever since WE were in middle school, we had THE plan ("we" consisted of my girlfriends and I). We did not want to lose our virginity until AT LEAST senior prom night (that's what the movies told us), we wanted to have football player boyfriends, and we wanted to be high school sweat hearts with whomever we set eyes on.
When we became seniors in highschool, even freshmen in college, we "realistically" decided that before we graduated college we would know. We would absolutely know where we were supposed to go, because that's where our current boyfriend/girlfriend (and potential husband) would be.
Guess what? That didn't work, and as we found out, that wasn't realistic at all.

What do we all do now, girls that have had their hopes up for years?
I say go to Jamaica and become scuba instructors. Drop out of school now before it's too late. Who's with me.

lalala

So...Tonight is a celebration night. Simply because for the first time in a while I have nothing to do, no projects to worry about, and I'm putting off studying until tomorrow night just because I want to have this celebration. NetFlix, icecream and my teddy bear will be my dates tonight. i have no life.
Shay, if you're reading this, I may be here this weekend and if you're bored we should do something. This is me lazily reaching out.
I was in New York this past weekend...I love New York. "Empire State of Mind" by Jay-Z was blaring on my speakers whilst driving through Manhattan and I gotta admit, I felt pretty cool. Haha I'm so lame.
I MAY be going for a run tonight, first time in over 2 years. Wish me luck.

Phoebe in Wonderland

This is SUCH a wonderful movie...Easily hands down one of my favorites. It has to do with a little girl, a fantasy world, and a real, disabling disease that affects her life in many ways. My cousin who has since passed had tourette's syndrome, and it's just a beautiful depiction of a child trying to overcome this. The difficulties, the emotions, the obstacles, the family, a little girl and a dream. I just loved it, I'm so glad I watched this movie.

"And who are you?"
Alice said, "I... I hardly know, sir. At least I knew who I was when I got up this morning,
but I think I must have changed several times sine then."

'What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. 'Explain yourself!'

'I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir' said Alice, 'because I'm not myself, you see.'

'I don't see,' said the Caterpillar.

'I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly,' Alice replied very politely, 'for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.'

'It isn't,' said the Caterpillar.

'Well, perhaps you haven't found it so yet,' said Alice; 'but when you have to turn into a chrysalis--you will some day, you know--and then after that into a butterfly, I think you'll feel a odd.'

'Not a bit,' said the Caterpillar.

'Well, perhaps your feelings may be different,' said Alice; 'all I know is, it would feel very odd to me.'

'You!' said the Caterpillar contemptuously. 'Who are you?'

thinking.

I think with the right side of my brain. Which means I hate things like lists, things to do, planning, assignments....I woke up this morning to a big sign on our bathroom door that makes us initial and date when we clean certain parts in our apartment, complete with a grid. At the bottom it says, "Please chip in and clean, or I will come after you : D" Um, how about no. When I have kids, maybe a cute schedule like that will work, but when we're all college students here, no. I will clean when something doesn't look clean. I refuse to initial to prove that I did cleaning. Basically, I'm a rebel and sometimes I wish I were a boy, because boys wouldn't put a stupid sign like that up.

So Long, Sweet Aussie.

Insert saddest face possible here.

I have crazy curly hair, and it's pretty hard to manage. My senior year of highschool, I found Aussie Sprunch Spray. For the most part, it solved all my problems....It was the perfect hair spray for me and I never left home without it. I've been using it since 2005....
Until now.
At the end of August I went to get a new bottle, and I realized the bottle design changed. I'm not gonna lie, the pink looked good. Then I sprayed and noted the change of smell. I wasn't a fan of the grape-y smell, and it smelled a little different now...I couldn't decide which I liked better. I was a little skeptical, but figured that Aussie would never let me down. It did.
I went to Utah last week, and possibly had some of the worst hair days ever (funny how on days that matter, aka meeting Randy's family, I have bad hair days). My hair was dry, sticky, greasy feeling, frizzy. I couldn't figure it out. I thought maybe it was because I was using new gel. I thought maybe it was the "Utah Air". I thought maybe it's because I have the worst luck ever. Never in a million years did I think it would have been the Sprunch Spray. Until today.
Whilst getting ready for the day, I realized a soon as I sprayed the hairspray my hair became greasy. Ding, ding. So I looked online, and figured out I'm not the only one! Aussie has changed its' formula, and it has certainly changed for the worst. You bet I called the 1-800 number to complain. I don't even know what to do anymore...That stuff was what held my hair together. I hate trying new brands. WHY?!
On viewpoints.com, I found this angry customer's reaction to the change in formula...There are many others on there, but this one just takes the cake.

"I was so pissed when they changed it! I cannot believe they would do this to us ....WHAT DO WE DO NOW!!!!!!!!!! All of us must be walkin around totally hopeless, with ugly hair. I feel like I got a big zit on my face and I am avoiding everyone! I want MY PURPLE SWEET LOVE IN A BOTTLE BACK. I am officially terrified of doing my hair now. If i see a kangaroo i will flip, totally freakin flip, not that I see them in Pittsburgh, but I will.... I will...."



Yes, I want my purple sweet love in a bottle back, too. Classic.

Random Question of the Day.;

As I wrote before, I do keep my own handwritten, personal journal along with this. It's a lot more private. I've kept journals off and on since I was 15 and I love just looking back at the things I had to say and the wisdom that I thought I had. I even love looking at how my handwriting has changed over the years. I'm weird.

Anyway, I've begun to write these with the intent of my future family/kids/grandkids someday reading them and seeing what my life was like. Almost everyday, I add a song that I've been listening to that means something to me. I think if I were looking at my grandma's journals (that don't exist) and found all these songs, I would think I struck gold would want to listen to the music or at least look up the lyrics. Does anyone else do this? Probably not. Does anyone think that's weird? Maybe. DON'T CARE!

exhale!

I'm alive, just super busy with school this week. Thankfully the week is over!

Last week I went to Utah, had so much fun, watched BYU kick Oklahoma's trash, and I met Randy's family. I absolutely love all of them...They were so nice and so welcoming to me. They also share my sense of humor and sarcasm, which is extremely important. We all had a blast together. His family is basically like a party 24/7. It makes me want a huge family, because...Well, I party.
I went to Randy's nephew's baptism on Saturday. It was cool, because September 3rd (2 days before) was my 4 year baptismal "anniversary". Randy's nephew's baptism was the first I've ever witnessed, and it was wonderful to see it 4 years after to remind me of how I felt on that wonderful day.
On Sunday night, Randy and I took the red eye back to New York. We sat next to each other so it made it much more bearable. Afterwards, we got back to his apartment and caught up on some sleep. Brace yourself for this statement: I miss the City. I'm making the sad face right now because I miss it so much. On Monday we went to a sweet pizza place called Artichoke. It was delicious. Mark my words, I will go there again someday soon. We ate in Union Square...Ohhh New York, what you do to me.
Skype is amazing. In fact, I had to try to explain to my dad today just how awesome Skyping is. He thought it was "something like facebook". Oh no, dad. You're wrong. Randy and I have been skyping the past 2 days. Seriously, it beats the phone times a million. I get to watch Randy sing and dance to his favorite song "Lollipop", what beats that?! Ha...We have fun even when we're not with each other.

I just receieved my red moleskine journal in the mail that I've been waiting for the past 2 weeks, and I'm in love with it. The thing I'm sad about is, I have no more incoming mail/packages to look forward to. If you're interested in "surprising" me, I'll give you my address and ask no more questions (but I'll get my hopes up so don't let me down).

Hm what else...I want Beatles RockBand so badly.

filled journals.

I love writing in a journal. I think if I could have one thing from my grandma or mom, it would be a journal she could hand to me from when she was my age. But, neither of them kept a journal. I'm not only keeping it for myself to look back on (some entries are pretty entertaining), but for my future kids/grandkids to read and know what was going on in my head.

I haven't written anything super-spiritual in a while, so I figured I would just copy an entry I wrote in my recently filled journal. I was looking back on this summer and my thoughts while I was in New York, travelogue style and spiritual. This is probably my favorite spiritual entry.


May 25th, 2009
"It's so cool to think about the pre-existence.
I signed up for this life.
I knew I would face some hard trials, especially since I was chosen for this time and generation.
I felt prepared to be a woman on this Earth.
I so much desired this life and this chance I was given. I was grateful for the opportunity to live.
What's amazing about that is that we ALL have that courage/strength inside of us. It's what pushed all of us to make the decision to live on this earth. We dove in head first into the great unknown, maybe scared but mostly grateful.
It's beautiful to think that I have cute little spirit children up there waiting to do the same thing. I already love them for their courage.
So, since all people on this earth made the decision to be here, then there is SUCH great potential and strength in each of us. After all, we all made that HUGE first step.
That thought makes me happy. We all have equal potential. Also for some reason today, I am SO happy I'm a woman. As hard as it is sometimes, I think it is such a blessing during this day and age."

turning my head out to see what i'm all about.

The title of this post is from the song Lovers in Japan/Reign of Love by Coldplay. I think I love Coldplay so much because when I listen to any of their songs, I'm surrounded by the sound. There is so much going on at once, but at the same time I can focus so clearly on the story the song is trying to convey. It's beautiful.
I love music, so much. Especially piano. Especially songs that have violen/strings in it. Mostly piano, though.



I think this blog has become boring. Maybe because I'm boring?

sweetest place on earth.

Hershey is lame.
Wish I was in the City, I miss the tall buildings and lights and constant excitement...And kind of hard to admit, but I miss the subway and being able to jump on and see all of my friends in 10 minutes.
We'll see what happens in life, but it's scary. My instructors were telling us that we should start applying to jobs between Thanksgiving break and winter break. Where do I want to settle down? We'll see how the next few months go. I was thinking California or Utah originally, but now New York is looking more and more appealing for various reasons. Who knows. I'll be praying about it.

On a more positive note, Utah/Randy in 4 days basically!! I can't wait. We're going to have so so much fun.

here i am, and i stand so tall....

I just had to post the lyrics to this song. I know that I mentioned it in the last post, but I wanted to share the lyrics because 1) it's always in my head, 2) it's about the only song on my playlist at the time, and 3) I'm slowly attempting to learn it on the piano.

I feel like this song can be related to a lot of situations. These lyrics mean a lot to me. When I was introduced to it through my sister, I was told it had a lot to do with addiction, specifically substance abuse. Substance abuse runs in my family, specifically alcohol. Thankfully it's not a battle I have to face for myself, but I've seen it destroy a lot of members in my family, as well as relationships between all of us. I've seen firsthand what addiction can do to someone. I like how this song basically compares addiction to a gravitational pull. It's always bringing you down, you feel like it's unavoidable.

Another part of me looks at these words as a love song. Haven't we all been there, completely vulnerable to a person we fall for? We give ourselves completely. It's such a scary feeling, to know that we've become attached to this person to the point of no return. We're putting our hearts in their hands so to speak, and that person could drop it at anytime. It's a matter of trust, but sometimes trust isn't enough. How do we know? We're addicted to that person who we love so very much, and this is a song of being scared about the what if's.. What if this doesn't work out and I'm left here alone?

Anyway, that's my interpretation....You can feel free to leave your own.

Gravity: Sara Barrielles.

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Oh, you loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that
You're keeping me down
Keeping me down, yeah

You're on to me, on to me and all over

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long...

A beautiful dance interpretation of the song: