a tree grows in brooklyn.

This is a rough draft, but I wanted to write down some of the quotes in this book that I enjoyed. Unfortunately, I am at the library and must give the book back. I'll write about it later.

"She'd take a block of paper and a stick of charcoal and sketch the poorest, ugliest kid in the room. And when the picture was finished, you didn't see the dirt or the meanness, you saw the glory of innocence and the poignancy of a baby growing up too soon. Oh, it was grand."\


"Oh, how I wish I was young again when everything seemed so wonderful!"

"But it was just as well...Ther had to be the dark and muddy waters so that the sun could have something to background its flashing glory."


"Sissy had two great failings. SHe was a great lover and a great mother. SHe had so much of tenderness in her, so much of wanting to give of herself to whoever needed what she had, whether it was her money, her time, the clothes off her back, her pity, her understanding, her friendship or her companionship and love. She was mother to everything that came her way. She loved men, yes. She loved women too, and old people and especially children. How she loved children! She lvoed the down-and-outers. She wanted to make everybody happy....She loved all the scratching curs on the street and wept for the scavenging cats who slunk around Brooklyn corners with their sides swollen looking for a while in which they might bring forth their young....She picked bouquets of white clover in the lots believing they were the most beautiful flowers God had ever made. Once she saw a mouse in her room. The next night she set out a tiny box for him with cheese crumbs in it. Yes, she listened to everybody's troubles but no one listened to hers. But that was right because Sissy was a giver and never a taker."

"Dear God," she prayed, "Let me be something every minute of every hour of my life. Let me be gay; let me be sad. Let me be cold; let me be warm. Let me be hungry...Have too much to eat. Let me be ragged or well dressed. Let me be sincere-- be deitful. Let me be truthful; let me be a liar. Let me be honorable and let me sin. ONly let me be something every blessed minute. And when I sleep, let me dream all the time so that not one litle piece of living is ever lost."

..."A girl- in spite of bright red lipstick and grown-up clothes and a lot of knowledge picked up here and there-- who was yet tremulously innocent; a girl who had come face to face with some of the evil of the world and most of its' hardships, and yet had remained curiously untouched by the world."



"Oh, magic hour, when a child first knows she can read printed words!"

"From that time on, the world was hers for the reading. She would never be lonely again, never miss the lack of intimate friends. Books became her friends and there was one for every mood."

feelings.

I think it's funny that I'm sitting here at the library, my last semester of my college career. Let's hope this lasts throughout the semester.
But I feel like it will. I feel like something in me knows that it's almost all over, and I have a drive. I have a focus. I want to do well and I want to end my 4 years at Penn State with a bang.

I'm currently doing a rotation at a psychiatric hospital. It's one of the most painful things to have to experience. While I was there, there was a lockdown because a woman was at risk for self-harm. I witnessed her anguish of being restrained due to her diluted sense of reality. It was heartbreaking. She was 60, had a hysterectomy yet thought she was pregnant and people were trying to hurt her baby. Imagine feeling that way. To her, that is reality. It's real what she's feeling. It hurts her heart so much. She loves and wants to protect something that does not exist, but to her it's more than real. Hurts my heart.

Well, no news is good news right? I don't really have much to report. Some little things are happening, but when or if these things turn big, you (1, possibly 2) readers will be the first to know.

music day. pandora day.

So,
I got my homework done today (I feel like a little kid saying that), so I decided to go on Pandora.com . I suggest you DON'T go on this site unless you have hours to spend. I'm in love with music. You type in a song or artist, and they create a "radio station" for you that plays all music similar to the artist/song. It's beautiful, it makes me so excited to discover a new band.

I listen to The Kooks when I feel good, I listen to the Damien Rice station when I'm feeling mellowed out (okay, a lot of his songs are depressing, but the endings of his songs are SO powerful....So worth it to get through the sad parts.....LOVE "Lonelily". reminds me of my life right now). It also made me remember how much I missed Jack Johnson ("Dreams be Dreams"). Forgive me for talking about music. I just love it.

"her dreams are dreams,
all this living is so much harder than it seems
but girl don't let your dreams be dreams...
you know this living is not so hard as it seems,
dont let your dreams be dreams ... "


"I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I was lonelily looking for someone to hold.
In a way I lost all I believed in,
And I never found myself so alone.
And you let me down.
You could've called if you'd needed,
But you lonelily got yourself locked in instead
And you let me down"

alive with love.

Posting twice in one day can be absurd...
But, I have found one of my favorite love songs.
It's called. "Alive With the Glory of Love" by Say Anything.
Warning: This song has a couple of offensive lines in it. But overall, it is such a beautiful song. It's upbeat, and the words are powerful.

"Should they catch us,
and dispatch us to those separate work camps,
I'll dream about you. I will not doubt you with the passing of time….Oh, yeah.
Should they kill me,
your love will fill me as warm as the bullets, yeah.
I'll know my purpose. this war was worth this.
I won't let you down. No I won't
No, I won't let them take you"

This song a love story set in the Holocaust. Two lovers, hiding together, essentially waiting to be found by 'them' and separated. Knowing that it's inevitable, but making the most of the time they have to be together and knowing that they'll forever be in love.

A story that always gets to me is Anne Frank's. Obviously...Since I'm a huge history bluff. I can't help but think about Anne Frank and her "one true love" Peter Schiff. Peter and Anne were three years apart; Peter was older. Before going into hiding, Anne said they were inseparable. She once referred to the Peter van Pels she was in hiding with as a "surrogate" for Peter Schiff. Peter ended up in the same prison that Anne ended up in, but was transported before she got there. He died in Auschwitz.

She wrote about a dream she had about him.....
‘At that point I woke up, still feeling his cheek against mine and his brown eyes staring deep into my heart, so deep that he could read how much I’d loved him and how much I still do.’ The dream gives Anne strength: ‘And now Peter, my dearest Peter. I’ve never had such a clear mental image of him. I don’t need a photograph, I can see him oh so well.’

serendipity.

When I was in first grade, I was a nerd. I still am, so nothing has changed. I read a story in my advanced reading group about the word "serendipity". It became my favorite word ever.

SERENDIPITY: –noun
an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.

Back then, I always lost my teddy. So I always pictured myself looking through my toys just waiting to find something to play with, and then finding my teddy. A pleasant little surprise. I wish serendipitous things happened to me more often.
There is an icecream place in New York City called "Serendipity"....The movie Serendipity kind of 'features' it. Their frozen hot chocolate is amazing. I would like some right now, please.

Today I was watching Dexter....One of my new favorite shows. Anyway, he stated a quote that means a lot to me right now...

"...but sometimes you just have to take a risk.....after all, isn't that what relationships are all about?" -Dexter

& i know that it's complicated...

And I know that it's complicated,
But I'm a loser in love so babyyy
Raise a glass to mend
All the broken hearts of all my wrecked up friends.


Lady Gaga.

I see her in 11 days.

Other than that,
Last night I went to bed at 11pm and woke up at 1:15pm today. What's wrong with me?
I had a dream that I was in love with a boy who was getting married...And he asked me to be his Maid of Honor. (Side Note: This dream is thanks to me seeing a status saying, 'watching Made of Honor!') I gladly accepted, got to go to his bachelor party events, hoped and prayed and wished that he would change his mind before the moment of saying his vows. I was at the wedding pre-party and a little girl came up to me. She was the flower girl. She had curly blonde hair and a cute little smile. I love little girls (in a reminiscent kind of way). We became friends, and she made me feel better because she could tell I was sad and asked if I wanted to have a slumber party after the wedding. I told her if we could build a fort, I'd be set. So I stood there, she was standing right next to me waiting for the ceremony to begin. Just as he was about to say his vows, I woke up.
Someone once asked me if I'd ever consider dating a married person. Ridiculous, I know. I said absolutely not. Considering my family's past, and my moral values I would never do it. But last night, I think I got a feeling of what it's like to be in love with something that's untouchable. Hoping, praying , wishing. It was sad.

escapism.

Where do you go when you need to escape?

Whether it's physically or just in your mind...We all feel the need to escape sometimes.
Some funny examples....I recently read an article on CNN where people were obsessed with Avatar to the point of being suicidal. They want to live in the virtually created world of Avatar so badly that they just want to kill themselves so they can find this world. Extreme example, I know. On a similar note (kind of) I once met a guy who was afraid of fiction novels. I was shocked, because fiction novels can be my way to escape sometimes. I asked him why, and he told me he was afraid he would be obsessed with escaping to a world of fiction characters. He was afraid to become trapped in a book.
Today was a hard day, kind of. Where would I love to be teleported to if I could at this time? I hate sounding cliche, but I would love to be at the beach. Just me and the sun. Aruba. Usually I have the fantasy of magically ending up on the island from the TV show Lost, but right now the idea seems to stressful. The smoke monster and the Others coming after me just doesn't seem appealing. I just want to be by myself without a worry in the world for a while. I want to be blocked from thinking.
Whether it's escaping to a friend's house, family, a book, or a beach, I hope you all have a "safe haven".

I'm reading a book called "Belong to Me" (thanks Shay) and they brought up this subject shortly. They drop the song "Carolina in My Mind" by James Taylor.

In my mind I'm goin' to Carolina Can't you see the sunshine Can't you just feel the moonshine Maybe just like a friend of mine It hit me from behind Yes I'm goin' to Carolina in my mind

P.S.
I've decided I need to get a new look. I think I'm going to straighten my hair more often. I want to be a rebel.

I call this webshot: Emo Girl needs some sunshine.