5 Years.

I've started listening to a lot of podcasts within the past 6-7 months.  It's been great.  I have always loved NPR and the concept of talk radio in general.  I recently started listening to Invisibilia, and it's helped me to ponder my own feelings and emotions.  Why do we feel the way we feel, or lackthereof?  What is going on in this brain of mine that causes me hurt, happiness, love, grief, pain, resolution? 

 I have been single more or less for almost 2 years, and I like to think I have learned a lot, but seriously, have I really?   Because then there are nights like the other night, where I just cry.  For something I lost over 5 years ago. 

 I had a dream that I was with someone I had loved so much, years ago.  The kind of love you don't think you'll ever find again.  We kissed, I knew in my dream it had been a long time, and there was this electrical feeling.  If you follow Invisibilia, they talk about emotions that other cultures have that we don't, and this one is 'Liget', an emotion an anthropologist found in a tiny village in the Phillipines. Limited by the English language, it more or less means "a high voltage running through the course of your body".  It's intense, overpowering, and something that you can feel when you're deeply hurt, or when you have adrenaline running through your body, or when you're in love.  I realized in this dream (I have some vivid, deep dreams) that I hadn't felt like that since him.  It felt like 'Liget' , and it also felt like home.  I woke up and felt a void that I hadn't felt in a long time.  A hollowness, an emptiness.   

 Because the past two years, I have run into a lot of dead ends.  I have made a lot of mistakes.  I have cried over guys that were unworthy of my tears, fell for guys unworthy of my feelings, and felt nothing at all about guys I thought deserved some of my time.  And I'm almost 30!  According to 16 year old me, I should be married with 2+ kids right now, owning a home (that's another sob story) and....Just not alone in a 335 square foot studio apartment with a 12 year old dog as my companion. Yet, here I am.     I revived this blog to try  to make sense of where I'm at now, and come to peace that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.  I also want to share some stories about being almost 30, single, and actively dating in a city deemed 'Menver'.  More like "Men-Child-ver", amIRite?   

 Thanks for reading.

Onward, 2017.

Maybe I'm back, maybe I'm not.

I have decided after a long hiatus to try to start blogging again.  It used to be such a creative outlet for me.  It was therapeutic.  I want to tell stories again, and be completely blunt and real in the process.

However, I am 350 days and counting away from hitting 30 years old.  Is it appropriate for me to be blogging still?  When I was 26, I started dating a guy who was terrible for me.  It lasted a year and a half, because let's be real, I'm in my 20's and still learning.  Said guy: Let's call him Chicken for anonymity purposes.

Whenever Chicken and I would argue, which was more than a couple ever should (warning sign), he would find reasons to degrade me.  One was this blog.  Whenever we argued, homeboy would say, "Why don't you go home and blog about it, loser?".  He would constantly refer to my blog as something that was dumb, and degrade something that was me in my most vulnerable state, that I happened to be proud of.  Chicken apologized multiple times for bringing down my blog.  He would send a text a few days later saying, "For the record, I love reading your blog, please don't stop writing because of what I said."  But, he kept bringing it up.  And naturally, I got a complex. 

Here I am now, nearing the big 3-0 and I have so many stories to tell.  I have been out of said relationship for almost two years.  Those two years, I learned a lot about myself.  Most important: I think I'm a pretty cool chick.  I think I have amazing, hilarious, heartbreaking stories to tell.  I get told that a lot, too.  

My goal is to showcase a story or two a couple of times a week.  Something I think I've become a quasi-professional of is online dating.    I have had so many first dates that equated to nothing but a great story, and so many dating experiences that turned into an "I don't want a relationship" talk.  Many friends and coworkers I know enjoy these stories.  I end a lot of these stories by saying "Nobody could make these stories up" because seriously, nobody could.

So that is what I will try to do.

Stay tuned, only if you want.