empathy.

Empathy is a word you hear ALL the time in the nursing world. So is compassion. So is being understanding.
Today was so depressing.
I had a patient in her 30's. Keep in mind, she is in her early 30's. She was diagnosed with leukemia in 2007. She received multiple chemo therapy sessions, she had a stem cell transplant in 2009. After that, things went downhill. She got graft vs. host disease, her body rejected the stem cells which led to her kidneys failing. She was then diagnosed with colon cancer that spread to her lungs and her bones. She is getting progressively worse. She is totally aware of what's going on, she can talk but barely, she is in constant pain. She has to have this loud mask covering her face. She is crying most of the time. When I went to help her, she grabbed my hand to hold it. I instantly felt her pain. Why is she still alive? It has to be for a reason. She is suffering. She is getting worse and they know she will die. If someone took of that mask, she'd probably die in a minute or two.
I wish I could do something. Ugh.
ENOUGH of the depressing stuff.

I keep having these dreams where I am fighting random people I don't know. In one, I was riding my bike to my dad's and these creepy teenage guys were following me. They were rearending my bike. What the heck. So they came to my house and wanted to fight...I pinned one down and they were all laughing at me including him and egging me on to punch him. I did, but he kept laughing..I woke up.
The next one, I was with Nichole and we were in New York City. She was visiting me because obviously in an ideal world I would live there....These girls on the street wanted to fight me. So I did. It's unclear who won, but we both came out in pretty rough shape. Then me and Nichole had a slumber party and stayed up until 6am. Again, what the heck.

So I looked up what it means when you're fighting people.
"The meaning of dreams about fighting usually symbolizes anger and confusion that comes about in times of change. Fighting with strangers usually represents an internal struggle."
Haha, dream interpretations.

i remember.

I remember the first time I woke up and thought, "Was last night all just a bad dream?"

I was 14. It was the day before my first time cheering for a football game. Steph and I were at Nichole's and we hated boys obviously. We decided it would be rebellious to dye our hair because of this hatred we felt. We decided to go wild and pick dark brown...Even though we already had dark brown hair, I guess we thought it was possible to make it just a little bit darker before it turning black. So, we had a fun night dying it...Until Nichole washed it out for us in the shower (which is a hilarious story in and of itself) and we dried it, looked in the mirror, and realized our hair was JET BLACK. I remember Steph and I bursting into tears. Steph kept saying over and over again, "We look like we belong to the Addam's Family!!!" And I was just thinking, "my first day of highschool AND my first football game, I will be looking like a loser". We went to bed that night after planning on dying our hair back the following day, but it had to be after the football game. This was an emergency. I woke up the next morning and covered my face with a pillow thinking, 'was that all just a bad dream?' Then, I looked in the mirror and reality struck.
We have a picture of Steph and I the day of that football game. I look at it now and I think it didn't look so bad; I was tan and dark hair just accentuated it, I looked cute. It didn't have to be that bad of a night like we made it out to be. Actually, I ended up dying my hair that color later on in highschool, I guess again as an act of rebellion but still. I knew what it would look like, and I did it anyway. And I liked it.

Ah, how small of a deal things were then, and I didn't even know it. You live, you learn.

I don't.

I don't want to sleep and it's 2:18am and I have church in the morning. Is this bad news? Yes. Is this my third post for today? Yes.
I just went for a drive at 1:00am so I could listen to music. It was peaceful. It was raining.

I found a journal at my dad's to add to my collection of journals (I'm currently in the process of keeping them all in one place so I can one day give them to my future family).....It was from 1995, when I was in 2nd grade. I read it and it made me smile so much. I loved life. I still do, but I really had so much pure, innocent happiness in my heart then. I got pleasure out of the simplest of things...Like assemblies, two hour delays, going to the bookstore (some things never change).

A Fine Frenzy.

That's the name of the music group...
An old friend introduced me to them, I added their song on my iPod, I sang along to it occasionally, but it never really had any meaning to me until now (minus the wine part, ha).
I may be ridiculously and seemingly "emo" for posting this, but in my defense this is a beautiful song and I like sharing beautiful songs.

"Ashes and Wine"
Don't know what to do anymore,
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
I'll drown in my tears
Don't they see?
That would show you, that would make you hurt like me

All the same, I don't want mudslinging games
It's such a shame, to let you walk away

Is there a chance,
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This day's spinning surface on a wheel
I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
Coffee laced intoxicating on his lips

Cut it out
I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed to wear your freedom down

Is there a chance,
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may chance your mind,
Or are we ashes and wine?

I'll tear myself away
Since that is what you need
There is nothing left to say
But

Is there a chance,
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel,
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind,
Or are we ashes and wine?
The day's still ashes and wine
Or are we ashes...





This is the song.....IN no way am I a Grey's Anatomy fan or whatever this nonsense tv show is, but I thought it was a good video and I just wanted you guys to listen.


p.s....I had movie night with my mom tonight. it was supposed to be a cute little date. guess who fell asleep 2 minutes into the movie and the other (me) had to listen to her snoring the whole time? ha. but in better news we got a kitten!

Urban Dictionary.

Somewhere, somehow I got the idea to urban dictionary my name....you know, on www.urbandictionary.com . I was surprised that most of the definitions of "me" were good. Here are my favorites.


Amy

the name derives from the French word "Ami" meaning friend, and the French word "Amee" meaning beloved. She is uncommenly loyal, and once friends with you will always be there for you, she has fierce morals, despises betrayal and rumors, and talking about people behind their backs. She is not usually liked by many, as many are threatened or intimadated by her goodwill, her intelligence and her uncommen good looks, however the ones that do like her will remain her very best of friends the whole way through. She forgives easily but never allows herself to be walked over. She is mature for her age and has a very wise way of thinking of things, she loves to laugh and will never be the last to have a joke. She is a fierce, fierce friend, never the one to leave a friend hanging, alone, upset, angry and hates to fall out with them. She has big dreams, a big future ahead of her and had planned it out, but is trying not to think of that right now and focus on now, the present.

I like this one too..

Amy

A girl, who will always forgive but refuses to be walked all over, she is loved by the people who matter to her the most. She is very talkative, and likes to laugh. She is a friend who can be relied on at all times. She sometimes feel pressured to change the way she is or looks, but realises quickly that that is what makes her different. She isn't liked by many as they don't like the thought of anyone who might be different to them.

Am I super lame for Urban Dictionary-ing myself? Probably, yes.

maybe.

i don't know,
but i might just be not writing in this for a little while.
maybe i'll change my mind...probably, because i'll be pretty lonely a lot (just a prediction). this blog is good company. even if no one listens, my blog does.

i'm stopping writing in my journal too. i don't like when bad things happen to me and i have to write about them.

every girl..

Just so everyone knows.
Every girl has planned in their mind...that they want to be moms, they want to be wives. they want to have babies, and have the perfect family and have the perfect life.
Ever since WE were in middle school, we had THE plan ("we" consisted of my girlfriends and I). We did not want to lose our virginity until AT LEAST senior prom night (that's what the movies told us), we wanted to have football player boyfriends, and we wanted to be high school sweat hearts with whomever we set eyes on.
When we became seniors in highschool, even freshmen in college, we "realistically" decided that before we graduated college we would know. We would absolutely know where we were supposed to go, because that's where our current boyfriend/girlfriend (and potential husband) would be.
Guess what? That didn't work, and as we found out, that wasn't realistic at all.

What do we all do now, girls that have had their hopes up for years?
I say go to Jamaica and become scuba instructors. Drop out of school now before it's too late. Who's with me.

lalala

So...Tonight is a celebration night. Simply because for the first time in a while I have nothing to do, no projects to worry about, and I'm putting off studying until tomorrow night just because I want to have this celebration. NetFlix, icecream and my teddy bear will be my dates tonight. i have no life.
Shay, if you're reading this, I may be here this weekend and if you're bored we should do something. This is me lazily reaching out.
I was in New York this past weekend...I love New York. "Empire State of Mind" by Jay-Z was blaring on my speakers whilst driving through Manhattan and I gotta admit, I felt pretty cool. Haha I'm so lame.
I MAY be going for a run tonight, first time in over 2 years. Wish me luck.

Phoebe in Wonderland

This is SUCH a wonderful movie...Easily hands down one of my favorites. It has to do with a little girl, a fantasy world, and a real, disabling disease that affects her life in many ways. My cousin who has since passed had tourette's syndrome, and it's just a beautiful depiction of a child trying to overcome this. The difficulties, the emotions, the obstacles, the family, a little girl and a dream. I just loved it, I'm so glad I watched this movie.

"And who are you?"
Alice said, "I... I hardly know, sir. At least I knew who I was when I got up this morning,
but I think I must have changed several times sine then."

'What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. 'Explain yourself!'

'I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir' said Alice, 'because I'm not myself, you see.'

'I don't see,' said the Caterpillar.

'I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly,' Alice replied very politely, 'for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.'

'It isn't,' said the Caterpillar.

'Well, perhaps you haven't found it so yet,' said Alice; 'but when you have to turn into a chrysalis--you will some day, you know--and then after that into a butterfly, I think you'll feel a odd.'

'Not a bit,' said the Caterpillar.

'Well, perhaps your feelings may be different,' said Alice; 'all I know is, it would feel very odd to me.'

'You!' said the Caterpillar contemptuously. 'Who are you?'

thinking.

I think with the right side of my brain. Which means I hate things like lists, things to do, planning, assignments....I woke up this morning to a big sign on our bathroom door that makes us initial and date when we clean certain parts in our apartment, complete with a grid. At the bottom it says, "Please chip in and clean, or I will come after you : D" Um, how about no. When I have kids, maybe a cute schedule like that will work, but when we're all college students here, no. I will clean when something doesn't look clean. I refuse to initial to prove that I did cleaning. Basically, I'm a rebel and sometimes I wish I were a boy, because boys wouldn't put a stupid sign like that up.

So Long, Sweet Aussie.

Insert saddest face possible here.

I have crazy curly hair, and it's pretty hard to manage. My senior year of highschool, I found Aussie Sprunch Spray. For the most part, it solved all my problems....It was the perfect hair spray for me and I never left home without it. I've been using it since 2005....
Until now.
At the end of August I went to get a new bottle, and I realized the bottle design changed. I'm not gonna lie, the pink looked good. Then I sprayed and noted the change of smell. I wasn't a fan of the grape-y smell, and it smelled a little different now...I couldn't decide which I liked better. I was a little skeptical, but figured that Aussie would never let me down. It did.
I went to Utah last week, and possibly had some of the worst hair days ever (funny how on days that matter, aka meeting Randy's family, I have bad hair days). My hair was dry, sticky, greasy feeling, frizzy. I couldn't figure it out. I thought maybe it was because I was using new gel. I thought maybe it was the "Utah Air". I thought maybe it's because I have the worst luck ever. Never in a million years did I think it would have been the Sprunch Spray. Until today.
Whilst getting ready for the day, I realized a soon as I sprayed the hairspray my hair became greasy. Ding, ding. So I looked online, and figured out I'm not the only one! Aussie has changed its' formula, and it has certainly changed for the worst. You bet I called the 1-800 number to complain. I don't even know what to do anymore...That stuff was what held my hair together. I hate trying new brands. WHY?!
On viewpoints.com, I found this angry customer's reaction to the change in formula...There are many others on there, but this one just takes the cake.

"I was so pissed when they changed it! I cannot believe they would do this to us ....WHAT DO WE DO NOW!!!!!!!!!! All of us must be walkin around totally hopeless, with ugly hair. I feel like I got a big zit on my face and I am avoiding everyone! I want MY PURPLE SWEET LOVE IN A BOTTLE BACK. I am officially terrified of doing my hair now. If i see a kangaroo i will flip, totally freakin flip, not that I see them in Pittsburgh, but I will.... I will...."



Yes, I want my purple sweet love in a bottle back, too. Classic.

Random Question of the Day.;

As I wrote before, I do keep my own handwritten, personal journal along with this. It's a lot more private. I've kept journals off and on since I was 15 and I love just looking back at the things I had to say and the wisdom that I thought I had. I even love looking at how my handwriting has changed over the years. I'm weird.

Anyway, I've begun to write these with the intent of my future family/kids/grandkids someday reading them and seeing what my life was like. Almost everyday, I add a song that I've been listening to that means something to me. I think if I were looking at my grandma's journals (that don't exist) and found all these songs, I would think I struck gold would want to listen to the music or at least look up the lyrics. Does anyone else do this? Probably not. Does anyone think that's weird? Maybe. DON'T CARE!

exhale!

I'm alive, just super busy with school this week. Thankfully the week is over!

Last week I went to Utah, had so much fun, watched BYU kick Oklahoma's trash, and I met Randy's family. I absolutely love all of them...They were so nice and so welcoming to me. They also share my sense of humor and sarcasm, which is extremely important. We all had a blast together. His family is basically like a party 24/7. It makes me want a huge family, because...Well, I party.
I went to Randy's nephew's baptism on Saturday. It was cool, because September 3rd (2 days before) was my 4 year baptismal "anniversary". Randy's nephew's baptism was the first I've ever witnessed, and it was wonderful to see it 4 years after to remind me of how I felt on that wonderful day.
On Sunday night, Randy and I took the red eye back to New York. We sat next to each other so it made it much more bearable. Afterwards, we got back to his apartment and caught up on some sleep. Brace yourself for this statement: I miss the City. I'm making the sad face right now because I miss it so much. On Monday we went to a sweet pizza place called Artichoke. It was delicious. Mark my words, I will go there again someday soon. We ate in Union Square...Ohhh New York, what you do to me.
Skype is amazing. In fact, I had to try to explain to my dad today just how awesome Skyping is. He thought it was "something like facebook". Oh no, dad. You're wrong. Randy and I have been skyping the past 2 days. Seriously, it beats the phone times a million. I get to watch Randy sing and dance to his favorite song "Lollipop", what beats that?! Ha...We have fun even when we're not with each other.

I just receieved my red moleskine journal in the mail that I've been waiting for the past 2 weeks, and I'm in love with it. The thing I'm sad about is, I have no more incoming mail/packages to look forward to. If you're interested in "surprising" me, I'll give you my address and ask no more questions (but I'll get my hopes up so don't let me down).

Hm what else...I want Beatles RockBand so badly.