Friends.
I've had plenty.
In preschool, I had 2 best friends. We had crushes on lots of boys.
In elementary school, Nichole and I were an inseparable pair.
In middle school, we made up cool nicknames for our "best friend groups". MAN, CANS, RANS....All of our initials obviously. These groups transitioned, some dropped out, some joined.
In High School, I had a group of girlfriends that I had the time of my life with. We were there for each other for anything and everything.
Senior year, I joined the Church. I had to start new. I lost almost all of my friends. They left me for people I would never hang out with if my life depended on it. To this day, most of them are still there.
College....I'm a loner. Honestly, I can't name one person (besides KDubz) that I tell everything to and/or trust. I don't have a best friend. I don't have a "group". I float around without a place I can call my "friend home". I honestly don't know if there's someone's shoulder I can count on to cry on at 3am.
So....I guess it's been guys I have dated that I've confided in. When a break up happens, it's truly like losing your best friend.
You sit there, have endless conversations during the immediate post break-up phase about how you'll always be friends, you can always count on me, you can call me whenever, we'll check up on eachother. "I really hope we can still be friends" just seems like a meaningless phrase that was used to end a conversation.
I don't want to date you. I want to be your friend. I want to be able to catch up; I know a lot about your life and you know about mine, and we still have a connection if only on that level.
I don't want to be ignored. And if I'm being ignored, I want to know why. I only want friends who are committed, and I feel like these types are SO hard to come by these days. If they're not a committed friend, I want them to be open and tell me that that's just not what they want. But they don't tell you, and you hurt and sit and wonder. You're lonely and in the end, all you really want is your friend back.
"Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" Jack Johnson
2 comments:
Thank you for posting this. I came across your blog and even though you don't know me, I wanted to tell you that I can relate.
I have been a member my whole life but I did have an experience that that changed my life and resulted in me searching for new friends.
I have struggled to find GOOD friends since this experience.
I have found people to have fun with on the weekends but I am still looking for that person to confide in. To trust. To love. To call at at 3 AM when you need that shoulder to cry on.
I have had a friend like that before but unfortunately it was only temporary.
But she is out there. I hope I will find her soon. And I hope you do too.
Dearest Amy... I know that feeling. i have felt it from the core of my bones to the bottom of my heart. a girl needs a girlfriend to trust. 3am might sound like an unnatural time to call on me. but i'm that friend if you'll allow me. but the truth of the matter is that amy depression wants to beat you. it wants to win. remember you have people around you that adore you. i do. so breathe in breathe out. friends are all around:)
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