Balance.

Sometimes, life throws some terrible, unexpected things at you.

How I long to be with my Mom, to comfort her and tell her that life will go on.

I wish I could look after her and take care of her like she did with me when I was little.

I would love to have a girl's night...Just me, Ali, and Mom (maybe Kevin's invited too....).

If I could tell my Mom two things right now:

1) It's not your fault. You did all you could. He knows you cared about him more than anything, and always will.

2) Take care of yourself. Matt, Ali and I don't want to lose you. We are here for you.

I cannot even imagine losing someone special to me so unexpectedly.

Prayers for my Mom.

---------

But then, sometimes life will throw some great things at you.

I woke up on Friday morning at 8am to my bedroom door creaking open. I'm blind without my glasses, so I figure it's Kevin. Actually, it was Jackson. This was decided after a minute of staring at him, realizing, 'this guy is bigger than Jackson...Wait, stripes! That's Jackson's sweatshirt'. He came to surprise me all the way from Utah.

The first thing that comes out of my sleepy mouth?

"Wait...Why are you here?"

What a lovely first thing to say.

He told me that he had a return flight Monday, but he might not take it.

After some serious contemplating, he didn't.

He's here indefinitely, staying with a friend and working from his apartment.

I'm not getting my hopes up, but I am pretty happy that I get to see him more than once or twice a month. It's a big sacrifice on his part, I know. But I am very thankful. I am excited to go on fun NYC dates that we missed out on since he was only here for 2 months of us dating before he was back out in Utah.

Therefore, life is all about balance.

Take the good with the bad.

Love, learn, live. In that order.

Quoting John Mayer,

I Know the Heart of Life is Good

But really....

Tonight was a big test of patience for me.

That's why they call them "patients", right?

A couple of nights ago, a nurse assistant stopped me...."You're not from New York City, are you girl?"....I smile, "No, I'm from a small town in upstate New York"....Her response "GIRL you need to toughen up, you act too nice for a City like this!"

It's true. People will use you until your last ounce of existence if you are a pushover, and this is especially true here.

Now that I think of it, maybe this is a blessing....After all, in 2010 that was my New Year's "goal" (hate the word resolution).

BUT REALLY...I think I have some good work-news coming up soon. I heard unofficial word about it today. Crossing fingers, praying times a million. Stressed and scared but excited. The end.

Heart of Life.

This is my New York.

This is the New York I see everyday.

Honestly, I love whoever captured this.

Funny enough, it was a tourist. But they saw New York how it really is.

I swear they saw it through my eyes...Maybe because they were people-watching, but still.

I'm sick of the bright lights, sky scrapers, Times Square...

But what I'm not sick of is watching all the different types of people that live here.

Seeing people sleeping on the subways.

Commutes to work...As much as I hate being sandwiched between people I don't know, each person has their story.

Curiosity...Sometimes, I walk around and just imagine what lives these people are living. The people I live in such close proximity with.

Such interesting people...Such an eclectic population, in such a small radius. "The most populous City in the United States"....8.4 million people, each with so many stories to tell.

I get to meet so many great people working in a hospital. I learn something from every single one of them. I love to talk to my patients. So many wonderful stories, so much wisdom (the one benefit of working with an older population). That I am definitely grateful for.

Anyway, just decided I'd share something positive. Honestly, I had been trying to write a blog for the past 3 days...I deleted every unfinished entry because it wasn't worth reading. I think this one was.

Perfect Teeth.

Hi, I'm Amy.

This was me....When I was four years old I believe. Before I lost all my teeth. I was on Santa's lap.

I went to preschool at an art museum. Arnot Art Museum in Elmira, New York. I have vivid images of: Hiding in cubes, making pottery, learning French, making pretend phone calls at a wooden phone booth, my mom packing me gross egg sandwiches that I hated, losing my mom's class ring because I wanted to be cool and wear jewelry, but especially learning how to cut hearts out of construction paper and pretending that they went out to my crushes. Yep I was ages 3 and 4. I had 2 best friends: Danielle and Kara. I'd have sleep overs at each of their houses. Sometimes, I'd ask my mom if I could go over to play at their houses after preschool just so I didn't have to wear my shoes. My shoes had inserts in them...I have flat feet and my uncle is a podiatrist. Because of me not wearing them, they are still flat. But at least I had great friends...And I am pretty sure each of us are nurses/in the process of becoming one. Which is pretty cool/weird huh?

Perfect Teeth- Motion City Soundtrack has been in my head for the past two work nights. And it's silly.. Because I haven't listened to it in 7 years. It's a nostalgic song, I guess. But silly at the same time.

Anyway..Reminiscent post I decided to share....Even though I said I wouldn't do that anymore. Oops.

These Shoes Ain't Fitting.

I hate being a complainer.
But when something feels wrong, chances are it is.
My Dad told me when I was 10 years old... "The squeaky wheel gets the grease".
I didn't understand the saying. I had to have him explain it.
But finally I understood.
(As long as you don't squeak so much to the point that it's annoying and you throw away the wheel, it's important to be "squeaky" sometimes.)
Someone tell me they follow where I'm going with this and I'll give you a dollar.

It takes one person with a bad attitude to ruin an otherwise good day. I know you're saying, "But it's your choice to let it get to you"...But I was being pushed over the edge. Being pushed over the edge means I was repeatedly tested to the point that I couldn't take it any more.
I cried again at work today. I couldn't help it.
Funny that the first thing I heard when I walked into work last night was a fellow co-worker on the phone saying, "Nurses don't cry".
They do.....At least I do. Maybe I'm not normal. Maybe I'm over-emotional.



But let's turn this into a positive experience:
What did I do when I got home, after bawling my eyes out?
I took out my GRE book.
Because you know what? Going back to school and getting my Master's would beat the hell out of this hot mess.

And I cross my heart and hope to die
These dreams of yours are gonna fly

Guilty.

So, most people who know me know that I have ONE guilty pleasure (okay, maybe more....but one BIG one).
Lady Gaga.

I so feel like I jumped on the bandwagon with this one, but last year I just couldn't help it. I got 8th row tickets to see her show at Radio City Music Hall and I loved every single minute of it. You can hate, but that girl can perform. As evidenced by a video I've posted probably a few times of her singing/playing piano pre-stardom at an NYU talent show as "Stefani Germanotta".
Pretty cool fact--Lady Gaga was born at the hospital I work in. I've actually worked with her pediatrician. So in the 6 degrees of separation of LG...I'm only 2 degrees away. Is it sad that I've thought of this before?
"Born in New York, in Lenox Hill of '86/Cheered for the Yankees with my dad in Section 6."

That's the shout out in her acoustic version of "Poker Face".

I'm deliriously tired and decided that I'd share with you a dream I've been having recently....
I get off the subway right in front of the hospital, and I see a line of paparazzi with Lady Gaga walking through. Every night after her concerts, she comes to the hospital to rejuvenate and because "her knees hurt". Somehow, I am always her nurse. In these dreams, I'm always freaking out because I get absolutely nothing done. Probably because I'm spending my time pretending I'm best friends with/the private nurse of Lady Gaga. Totally normal.
Maybe I'll send her my application....Nursing job opportunities are pretty slim nowadays, people have a hard time believing that.

It's 10am...I think it's bedtime.

Read.

Everyone who knows me knows that I love to read.

I love the smell of books--The distinction between old and new. I love the wear and tear appeal of old books, because I know that someone else has read and enjoyed what I am now reading. I love libraries.

For Christmas, my Dad got me a Kindle. I always said that if I ended up in New York City, I would get a Kindle because it's much easier to carry than a book, and a lot more convenient on the subways. Apparently they've become trendy. It seems like everyone in the City has one, but I understand why.

I wasn't sure I would like the Kindle because of what I stated above: I love books! I love paperbacks. It takes away from the beauty of printed word. But, I'll have to say it's pretty nifty. I can buy a book from anywhere in the world and have it delivered right in my hands. Call it laziness but sometimes I want to get a book so badly, but don't want to walk the 15 minutes it takes to get to the library/B&N. Books at my fingertips= amazing/scary at the same time. However, they have amazing sales. Some on books that I've never heard of, but am intrigued enough to buy and then I fall in love with them. I've gotten a few books for $5, one recently for 99cents. I am definitely one for bargains.
To sum it up: I love the Kindle. Yay Amazon.


On a completely unrelated note....

This girl is smart.