This is It.

A New Chapter in My Life: Today is my last day of jobless freedom.
My big girl job starts tomorrow. I am a full time employee, working night shifts. Holy toledo!! It's about time. That was far too long of a hiatus, but I'll admit that I'm a little scared and very nervous. But, I can't wait to get back to taking care of people and hopefully making a difference. Honestly, nothing is better than getting a hug from a patient when they leave the hospital. I love that.

2010 has been crazy. It started out really depressing. I had the worst senioritis a college student could have. My birthday was my motivation for change, and I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel: graduation. I graduated college, one of the best days of my life (see below), and moved to NYC in a whirlwind. Summer went by way too fast and I got to play with cute babies in their first days of life, I passed my boards and am now an RN, I spent time with my best friend, met a cute guy and had lots of fun, moved in with my other best friend, and here I am. I'm completely happy. I hope it only gets better from here.

That is all! Just a short update.

To be Alive.

I say this to people a lot. I write this plenty in my personal journal, which I plan to give to my grandchildren someday: I am in my physical prime. I have no wrinkles. I am probably in the best shape I will ever be. I can eat fast food, and for the most part, not gain weight.

Like most, I have this fear of getting old. I think the first time I start to see wrinkles appear on my face, I'll freak out. But someday, I'll be a Mom. Far, far from now I'll be a Grandmom. I'll look in the mirror, look at pictures of myself from now, and barely recognize the girl that I used t to be. But, it's so beautiful. We are ever evolving human beings.



I think it's hard to appreciate the beauty of aging. I remember seeing a woman in a nursing home. Looking at her, and then glancing at a framed picture of the girl that she was when she was my age. But the confidence this woman had sitting in the nursing home in her wheelchair, the love for her purple headbands and brushing her hair showed me that she still knew she had that beauty.



I saw an elderly woman on the subway the other day. First of all, I'll rant about how a lazy overweight young woman did not give up her seat for this old woman the entire 15-20 minutes we were on the train. But, I could not help but stare at this lady. She was probably in her 80's, and she was stunning. Under her wrinkles and imperfections, you could tell she used to be the most gorgeous woman. She was smiling the entire time. I saw a woman next to her; Presumably her daughter. Ah, it touched my heart.

Anyway, I hope I'm a cute old lady. After pondering this for a while and seeing all these wonderful older women, I think there is hope.

Family Portrait.

This was one of the happiest days of my life.
My graduation day: May 15, 2010.

I never really blogged about how grateful I was for my whole family to be able to come. Not just my mom, or just my dad, because of bitterness. They set it aside their differences, even if it was just for a little bit, and my family was reunited for a day. To this day, thinking about that wonderful, perfect day brings tears to my eyes.

No, this isn't wishful thinking. I know my family will never be the way it was. In fact, I never want to have to go through that pain again. I am just so thankful that after 7 years of a war that felt like it would never end, they are civil towards each other. I think it is one of the greatest things I could ever ask for.

These pictures I will forever cherish. I never imagined I would have a picture of my whole family together when I was 22. A family portrait of a family that was. We will always will be family, even if our Mom and Dad are separate.
My mom is so loved by my dad's side of the family. Unlike me, they wish and pray that my parents would get back together. Whenever they come visit my hometown, they visit my mom. It's wonderful.

Last night, my Mom's sister, whom my dad hadn't seen in over 15 years came into his house uninvited just to give him a hug and say hello. Despite him hurting her sister (my mom), he gave her three children and her last name, and my Mom's sister understands that he was family and always will be to us kids. I talked to my dad about it, thinking he would feel he was intruded upon. Instead, he said, "It was so nice to see her. I was really happy she came in...It was a surprise, but a good one."

This gives me hope. I used to dread the day I'd plan who I'd have to invite to my wedding, and the drama that would be attached to it. How a family war might break out. But now, I know. I think it will be wonderful, just like this day was. I'm so glad I can share these moments with both of my parents.

Thanks, Mom and Dad. You raised a beautiful family.

Coming together.

Well, it's better than coming undone, right?

I realize I haven't written an update on my life here in a while. I guess I was waiting for some conclusion to the endless chaos that had been taking place the last few weeks. After endless tears on the phone with people I didn't know, finally on Tuesday I get through to an adviser who issues me my license in a matter of one minute. Thank you, Jamie. You are the man. I start my job on October 25th, it is official.

But, what was the initial feeling I had once I know I have my license? Anxiety and fear. It's real. I'm taking this job, on a medicine floor which is not my first choice. What if I'm completely unhappy? I'm so nervous. But after a few phone calls to people that I love very much, I was reassured that everything is going to be okay. If it doesn't work out, well, I'll climb that mountain when/if I get there. Until then, I'm lucky I even have a job right now considering the economy.

The good news is, I passed my medication competency exam. Afterward, the nurse recruiter hands me a contract to sign saying I received the study guide. I hand it back to her unsigned.
Nurse Recruiter: Um, you have to sign this.
Me: I never received a study guide.
Nurse Recruiter: Are you serious?! We should have given you one when you accepted the job.
Me: Nope.
Nurse Recruiter: Well, good thing you passed!
Basically, I just winged the medication competency exam. Had no idea what was on it. Pretty much, I lucked out. CHYEAaaa.

Thanks, Jackson for coming October 28th. Can't wait to celebrate your birthday with you. Even though both of us will be pretty busy with work. But seriously, it was a nice surprise to get a phone call from someone so special telling me that he had just bought tickets to come to NYC for about 6 days. It will be lovely.

We are all a little bit beautiful.

I can say that I think I am a bright and beautiful individual.
I'm happy with the body I'm in and who I have become.
This is not meant to be a vain post.
This is a reflection of my physical self over the years.
Bear with me.

I was talking to a friend today over lunch about my awkward years.

I was wearing glasses in 2nd grade. Huge ones, pink and purple rims. I looked like an owl. I was the biggest nerd there ever was.
My hair was greasy no matter how much I showered from 4th until 7th grade. I had bangs until 7th grade. Greasy bangs.

I was always made fun of for being skinny. It didn't exactly help that my mom made me wear these leggings that made my tiny legs look like tree branches. Actually, my legs looked more like the twigs that have fallen off the tree branches. I used to come home crying after gym days because the boys would make fun of me for being skinny (and I couldn't run fast, good). My mom had the same problem when she was little. She told me to tell them, "I'd rather be skinny than fat!". Thanks, mom. It didn't help.

I was undeniably awkward. As evidenced by this photo.
(that is a Principal's Award. *takes a bow*)

I had a unibrow (at least I'm honest about it now).
I worried about every single pimple on my face in middle school and high school.
I wore white eye shadow and sparkly make up/roll on gel 6th-8th grade.
I didn't know my hair was naturally curly until I was in 8th grade. I was too busy blow drying it until it was a giant poof on my head. I wish I had pictorial proof on this computer to show you all. I didn't know what a hair straightener was.

Artificial beauty aside, I remember how insecure I was. All of the "popular" girls in school were so pretty to me. I looked at them and just remember wanting to be them. I wanted to spend a day in their bodies. I wanted their butts even though I had boobs, something which they didn't (big butts were the thing, and I was 85 pounds going into 9th grade...I considered buying padded underwear, no joke). They got all the cute guys, and I couldn't even muster up a word to say to them because I was too shy.

I remember a night in 8th grade when I invited guys and girls over to my house, and after the guys left, they told all my friends how ugly and different I was from them and how I shouldn't be popular. Oh, I cried so much. I wasted so many tears. I remembered thinking to myself, "I'll show them, someday I'll be a famous singer and they'll be wishing they were all my boyfriends." I didn't become a famous singer. But I did gain some confidence along the way.

I'm not shy anymore, I'm outgoing. I'm comfortable with myself. I'm secure. I look in the mirror and think that I'm pretty most of the time (I have my days, too).

I was thinking about this today looking at one of the girls on facebook that I used to stare at in awe in middle school. Turns out she's not as cool as I thought she was. She is still in Horseheads, works at a restaurant and doesn't go to school. The popular girls ended up not so popular after all.

I was worried about nothing. If I could tell my 7th grade self something, I would tell her that she's beautiful. That the waiting will be worth it. That those girls and those guys that put you down, they will mean nothing in the end. That sometimes imperfections are what make us who we are. And that a little awkwardness makes for great memories, pictures, and a lot of laughs at a childhood I look back on fondly.



On a final note, please watch this video. Girls especially. This is so empowering. We all are unique. We all are beautiful. Don't change who you are.

Very Superstitious....Writing's on the Wall

I'll give you a million dollars if you know who sings the song referenced in my title. Way easy. And by a million dollars, well, that's code word for a hug. Virtual hug because I'm too lazy to get up and out of my apartment to give you one. Unless you want to come visit.

The topic today is superstition.

A certain thing hasn't been working out for me for the past two months (ahem, getting my nursing license from the state of New York). Everything that could go wrong, has. I've had to turn down a job that started at the end of September, and with my job fastly approaching in 19 days, I am anxiously awaiting and calling the board of nursing every single day. Yesterday I cried on the phone to them. They made me resend an application all over again. Let me reiterate, my job starts in 19 days. Let me restate: Everything is going wrong.

I've been looking at my predicament and thinking, "Maybe this is meant to be. Maybe this is happening for a reason. Maybe I'm not supposed to be here." I've been called superstitious. But these chains of events are freaking me out. What does this all MEAN?!!? Probably that I'm going crazy.

I've been toying with the idea of going back to school possibly. Seriously, Amy? Like, you told yourself you would never, ever go back to school. Well, the real world disease kicked in and the only cure for it is more education. I did some casual research yesterday and turns out, I have to take my GRE's. Good thing I have no idea what the GRE exam entails. As I'm walking out of my apartment this morning, there was a box of free stuff left by another tenant. On the top of the pile of stuff was a large book: "Taking Your GRE's" (a $40 value, I may add). I picked it up, never one to turn down a bargain, and then realized what a coincidence this was. Wasn't I just thinking about going back to school? Scary.

I've also been thinking, what if I don't get this job? I'll have no money, I'll be homeless. I may not be able to afford this apartment, and the next job orientation would be for the end of November. I wake up this morning to a message from my cousin telling me she's looking for a place to live in the winter. Another weird.


My dad told me, I'll know when it's right. To not take a job unless I'm absolutely happy with it. What is this telling me? I need to seriously pray.