First Comes Love...

Then comes the engagement.

I am an engaged woman now to a wonderful man who I am so excited to share my life with!

I think most people that were interested have seen the proposal video, but I wanted to share with you my side of the story.

I went home to Horseheads on December 15th with Jackson. He had the intention of asking my dad for his blessing to marry me-- But that's all I knew. I was told this lovely ring of mine wouldn't be ready until the New Year. He asked him the first night we were home, at 11:30 pm to be exact. While this was happening, I was up in my room having a panic attack under the bed....No joke. I was expecting my dad to be outraged-- I vividly remember him telling me at the age of 18 that I shouldn't get married until I turn 30.

This cute clip from Father of the Bride makes me picture what must have been going through my dad's head at the time, even though I wasn't there....It also makes me cry.

I think in my dad's mind I'm still a little girl, which is fine to me...I'll always be 'Daddy's Little Girl'. But instead of what I thought would happen (a catastrophe), my dad was so happy for Jackson and me. That night when Jackson told me how the conversation went, I cried. My dad's happiness for us was so important to me. Family is so important to me!

Which is why I couldn't have dreamed of a better proposal.

Saturday, December 17th was my planned 'faux Christmas'. Since I wasn't going to be home on Christmas day, my family planned to exchange gifts with me on Saturday. I planned to be at my dad's for a little, then have dinner (dutch meatballs, THE BEST) at my mom's afterwards. My dad told me that he invited my mom and her boyfriend over to exchange gifts, too. I wasn't suspicious, instead I was overjoyed that I could have my faux-Christmas with my entire family together. My Christmas dream come true! Fast forward to everyone coming over. Jackson played 'sick' and I believed every minute of it. We began to exchange gifts; My dad's video camera out (which happens during every Christmas event), my family happy and together, Christmas music playing in the background....And then this happens:

The 'Aws' and the crying, I just couldn't help it.

The best part: My entire family was in on the proposal; That's why the whole family gathered in the first place. My dad was a trooper and helped Jackson plan the whole thing (video credits go to him, thanks dad!!). Sadly, no Dutch meatballs were in order. Instead, my dad made reservations for us to go to Tanino's --Family favorite restaurant in Horseheads. My family already had beautiful engagement cards already written out for me. So sneaky.

Honestly, combining My entire family + The man I love = Pure joy for me!!! Which is why this was absolutely perfect. Remember when I said that graduation was the best day of my life? I think this tops it. I think the wedding will be even better.

P.S. Helpful hint: If you go to the youtube link, you'll find a nice little video (albeit 14 minutes long) of a compilation of videos/pictures from when Jackson and I first started dating to now. It's lovely. Feel free to fast forward through the zoo videos....But everything else is beautiful.

I'm going to watch Father of the Bride now. I will say, my dad is so much cooler than Steve Martin.

Giving Thanks part 2.

So, did anyone else find out in their mid-twenties that their grandpa was a serious hero/bad-A?!

We're all getting ready for the Thanksgiving dinner when my aunt casually brought up my Opa's story (that's Dutch for grandpa). Apparently my mom has a bad memory.

Background: My Opa died a year before I was born of pancreatic cancer. I have not heard ONE bad thing about my Opa. My dad to this day talks of how his ex-father-in-law was one of the kindest, sincere men he has ever met in his life. I wish I had had the pleasure of meeting him and spending some time with him. I wish even more now that I heard how wonderful he was.

Opa was also known as Jan Van Den Berg. He was born and raised in Holland.

He turned into one striking young man. The look on his face in this next picture (he's in the middle)....

Now for my favorite part....My Opa was a member of the Dutch Underground (also known as the Dutch Resistance). Believe me, it's as cool as it sounds. My Opa hid Jews from the Nazis. You know how Anne Frank and her family hid in a kind family's home/store in Holland? My Opa took a family into his home and hid them in order to help them survive. Can you imagine the bravery that took? What a selfless act!!

The story gets worse, but then better. My Opa was eventually caught. They sent those who hid the Jews to the concentration camps too.... The Nazis took my Opa and put him on a line to a train headed for death at a concentration camp. Do you know what that man did? He fled the line. Story goes there were shots fired at him as he ran. But he escaped!!! (obviously, if he didn't I wouldn't be here today.)

From there, he joined the Dutch Marines....He was stationed in England. There, he met my Oma, Amy Van Den Berg. The rest is history:

This postcard was sent to Holland to tell family he arrived safe in New York after immigrating there from England with my Oma. His return address was 138 E 36th St, New York, NY 10016. The crazy part: I lived 2 blocks from their first apartment (in the US) last year and never even knew.

I wish I could thank him for living such a wonderful life and tell him that I'm proud to be his grand daughter (and tell him we could have been neighbors!!). That is honestly the most moving story I have ever heard.

Thanks to my Aunt Maggie for having these wonderful pictures, her memory, and for keeping family history.

Down in the Valley.

So, remember how I went to Nevada for Thanksgiving to see family that I haven't seen in a trillion years?

Now, I've gotten used to mountains out here, but 2 lane roads, open plains, and mountains in the background? Along with the salt flats as seen to your right (can you believe that's not snow)? Gorgeous. I was so fascinated by Nevada.

My family lives on a ranch. I've learned that it's a 24 hour job. It's also beautiful. Jackson and I went along to feed cows right after we got there.

See that unbelievably long herd of cows following us? The 'moos' were the best.

It was so nice to spend time with family. We had the best time; so many laughs and memories that were made. I think I brought home a few pounds of food in my belly area, but it was so worth it. Both of my cousins, Roby and Ryan each have lovely wives and the cutest kids ever.

Grant is 2 years old and a big boy. He's so sweet and caring, especially with his little cousin.

Sweet little Avery. She's 18 months (give or take, I think). She is so silly. Example: This picture. She even said "cheeeese" while she was striking this pose down here.

This is probably one of my favorite pictures from the trip....We went on a drive through the valley.

My Aunt Maggie. She looks a little like my mom, right? And Alisa, Ryan's wife is laughing in the background :)

Last but not least...My cousins, Roby, Ryan, Avery, Grant, and my Uncle Steve.

This is Roby's wife, Amanda. And of course, the scenery. So amazing.

I just wanted to share some of my trip. For more pics, including me immobilized on a couch with a dog because I was so full it hurt, look on facebook. I really have to go visit again soon.

Oh and I have a cool post, to come soon :) YAY

Smiles

Can I just say that I am way excited to start working in the Progressive Care unit?

I never thought I would be working in a critical care/cardiac setting. It certainly has not ever been my first choice; It still isn't. But after learning the details of what I will be doing, I am looking forward to starting to be hands on and taking care of my patients. I'm going to take care of very sick people. Apparently, this floor is where all the action happens. It will be fast paced, just like my last job, but I will only have 3-4 patients. Do you remember how many I had in NYC? Sometimes up to 8!!! And my nurse manager is probably the coolest guy ever. He was the first one out of my other new orientees' clinical managers to show up and give me my schedule-- giving me Thanksgiving, Christmas, AND New Year's off.

Which brings me to the next topic-- I'm coming home :) December 15th-20th, mark it on your calendars. Jackson's coming with me. We are way excited-- Well, probably me more than him. I will make my family have a faux-christmas morning. I'm so looking forward to this.

And...I get to spend Thanksgiving with family! I happen to have an Aunt that lives in Nevada -- My mom's sister. It is conveniently 2 1/2 hours away from Salt Lake. The last time I've seen her/my cousins has been probably 15-18 years ago. This will be so much fun. They live on a ranch. Reunion time.

Weekday Update, with Amy.

Not Amy Poehler. There I go with the TV references again. Anyway....

Today was my first week as a nurse in Utah. Things are a little bit different, but most of it is pleasant. I do miss my Lenox Hill crew. But, about 99% of the people I've encountered so far are friendly, nice, sweet, and say 'Hi' to you in the halls if they don't even know you, so that one-up's Lenox Hill in a sense.

Pretty different view compared to Lenox Hill Hospital.

I just ate vegetarian fare....Can I just say it's delicious? I had a sweet potatoes, onions and walnut dish. Who knew that vegetables could be so flavorful. Big shout-out to my roommate Megan who cooks deliciously! She says she uses allrecipes.com for her sweet dishes. I've made one attempt at baking since I've been here. The result was this:

Mmmhmmm.....Smore's cookies. Can't get over them.

Oh by the way...I got a new car. 2006 Honda Accord. It's cute and has heated seats as well as cruise control (way important).

birthdays.

This past week = Blissful with a little bit of stress.

Last Monday (Halloween) I celebrated my sister Alison's birthday. She is 21 at last. I told Jackson he had to treat me good on Monday...It was a special day for me too, hello!! I became a sister! Do you know how sad that was to give up my 'only child' spot? For the most part (minus the scars on my hands) I have loved being a sister. And having a sister is lovely too.

Jackson is 28. His birthday was November 2nd. Two years to 30, and his second birthday that he has spent with me. I think it was a pretty special week. We ended it with brunch at Sundance, the Foundry Grill. Talk about fancy goodness.

My brother Matthew turned 17 on Friday. Do you know how bittersweet it is to see your little brother grow into an adult? I think it makes it even worse that he's almost 6 feet tall. I told him he isn't allowed to get older anymore. But...When he starts looking at colleges next fall, you know I'll be so excited and make him visit Penn State. Next year. Wow.

Between all the birthday madness, I have moved to Murray. For my east coasters, it's about 10 minutes to downtown Salt Lake City. I live with 3 girls and a dog whose name happens to be the same as my boyfriend's. And, I live in a HOUSE. Not an apartment, a house. I have to keep reminding myself that....I always accidentally say apartment. Oops.

I'm also a pro-gamer. Just kidding, but I purchased an XBox 360 today with a Kinect, and the game Dance Central. I found this gem at a Halloween party out here...I basically tore the house down with my dance moves. So this will keep me busy for a while...Dancing like a crazy person in a basement. Should be fun.

And work starts in one week. I didn't realize that until I looked at my calendar. What in the world?!

More

I've become obsessed with the website Pinterest. If you haven't seen it, check it out. It's a lot of fun.

Today, I'm going to try to become ...

More loving.

More understanding.

Less critical.

Less sad.

More happy.

More forgiving.

Just more.

This will be in my house someday.

I still love you, NYC

Just for tonight, I'm allowing myself to miss New York City.

I just found my last used Metro Card and got a little nostalgic.

No, I didn't have a flashy lifestyle, work at a top PR firm (Lauren, I love you!), or live my life based on Carrie from Sex and the City.

Believe it or not, life as a nurse in New York was not glamorous at all (except for the day I was interning when Amy Poehler had her baby..that's about it). I didn't take care of any gang members or see any gun shot wounds. Homeless people, though...That was my specialty.

But I did eat out every day at some delicious places, pay $1200 in rent a month and managed to live debt free in a City that makes that almost impossible. TAKE that, Occupy Wall Street...It CAN happen!!

I will leave you with two things:

1) I don't like looking at gas prices.

2) I want my bodega on the corner back-- the one that was open 24 hours a day, blizzard/hurricane or not and had a cat that I could pet.

Miss You, New York.

Scared Str8.

I've found a new favorite website/photo album. I've been laughing all day. So, in the spirit of Halloween, I present to you: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nightmaresfearfactory/ .. You will be laughing your behind off.

A few of my favorites:

Speaking of Halloween...Not looking forward to the back-to-back birthdays:

Ali - October 31st. Twenty-One at last. Forever a devil.

Jackson- November 2nd. He's getting older every year.

Matt- November 4th. 17? No. Refusing to accept that.

'It doesn't matter where you come from, it matters where you go.'

I can't change my past, but I can learn from that and plan my future accordingly! Ya. Profound thought for the day.

Just finished reading: 'Divergent' by Veronica Roth. Thank you Lauren for the suggestion, it was a lovely fast read! Couldn't put it down.

Web Redemption.

Unfortunately this will not be a Tosh.0 post..Bonus points if you get the reference.

(Oh my..So I go into this planning to write a blog to redeem myself for writing that pathetic post last night, only to refer to a freaking TV show. The irony is too good for me to delete my first statement; I live for irony, even if it's foolish.)

I will not be writing about TV is what I'm saying.

On that note, I'm at my new favorite place for free internet -- Farewell Starbucks and the Provo Public Library. I've found the cutest coffee shop in all of Utah (maybe). I think I like it so much because it reminds me of liberal Ithaca. I may be politically conservative (actually conservative in a lot of ways), but I live for the accepting people of Ithaca, the laid back vibe that I get when I'm there. I could go on about how much I miss about Upstate New York, but back to the topic at hand.

This coffee shop is playing all of my favorite music. It has cozy couches, handmade jewelry for sale, board games to play, used books for $2.00.

I will also put out a little bit of controversy -- I just saw my first openly gay couple in Provo, Mormon capitol of the world. Maybe it's from living with a gay guy for a year, but it kind of melted my heart that amidst all of the criticism that they face here, they aren't scared to be who they want to be. It really does take guts.

I guess I miss the diversity that is in New York. At least I found a tiny piece of it at this cute little coffee place. It's called the Coffee Pod, incase any Provo-ans want to know.

Two Letters: T and V.

Why am I starting to love television? Am I getting old?

I talked to my grandma today. She told me it was totally normal and that TV was a great thing to occupy your idle time with. Grandma knows best, right?

TV shows I am loving right now/shows that have just ended.

Weeds. I just can't with that season finale. My anxiety was through the roof. Nancyyyyyy!!

Drop Dead Diva. Jane and Grayson? Yes please......

Dexter...Yes for Christopher C. Hall.

The New Girl...I always thought Zooey Deschanel was a little too trendy, but 'The New Girl' is a little too funny to be a little too trendy.

Pan Am....The time period, the hair/costumes, everything about it I love. Add in Christina Ricci; where has she been all my life?! Her voice is still so beautiful to me.

Modern Family. I know everyone knows about them...Cam and Mitchell, the Dunphy's. I am a big Claire fan. If I could be any mom on TV, I'd be her....Actually, I'd be Nancy Botwin minus the weed selling antics. But still, Claire and Phil. So cute.

I just spent so much time on this blog post. I'm semi-embarrassed.

But apparently , this is what has become of me.

Poker Face.

I'm here. Usual spot in the library, usual time.

There are things I wish I could SCREAM right now..But I'm in a library, so I'll refrain.

Well, I haven't been talking about my job interview on Friday because I get mortified even thinking about it. I am pretty sure I annihilated any chance I had of getting a job there. I had this fright that I have never had before during an interview. That is all I will say about it. Bye (probably), dream job.

I've been driving Jackson's car; I don't think many people know that that is my means of transportation. I drive a Toyota Tacoma. My mom would be so proud; her daughter is now a truckin' girl. This is my keychain.

A cat and a library card on my keychain. I think this is an accurate depiction of my life. Up for interpretation.

Parks and Recreation is back on TV. I have become so addicted to television shows: Parks and Rec, New Girl, Modern Family, Drop Dead Diva, Weeds..... This is unhealthy, but it is SO fun. I am getting old.

If you want to laugh for 30 seconds... Click here. I love Amy Poehler.

On a completely unrelated note, I think this quote is quite lovely.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

—	Eleanor Roosevelt (You Learn By Living)

(Now that I think about it...I can relate this to my terrible, awful, horrible interview situation..)

Talents.

Currently listening to --

'Motorcycle Drive By' - Third Eye Blind.

From this blog, "Stuff No One Told Me....but I learned anyway"

I have this special talent. It's actually not hidden; My old roommate was well aware of it and hated it. Here it is: I am SO good at ignoring alarms. I am absolutely amazing at pressing the snooze button and only being vaguely aware of doing it half the time. I am also especially talented at sleeping for at least 11 hours a day.

My brother thinks I'm very talented at Tiny Towers. It's an app on the iPhone...Let's just say, well, I agree with him. I am the QUEEN of spare time.

I personally think I'm pretty talented at reading. I'm reading 'Mistborn' by Brandon Sanderson right now. My long lost friend from Maryland that I met in summer camp 9 years ago who is obsessed with fantasy told me to read it. I was hesitant; isn't fantasy for nerds? Oh wait, I forgot for a second that I AM one! It is so good. I would suggest it for beginner fantasy readers like me. You'll want more. And more.

Hm..I tried In N' Out for the second time today. While eating it, I realized maybe in the past I was being too critical-- Maybe the West Coasters are right, gosh this is pretty good. 10 minutes later, my body told me no, it is not good. Never will I eat In N' Out again. Hours later, my stomach is still hurting, I'm feeling dehydrated, my head hurts, and I am tired. My body is really picky on what food it likes. However, I am not. My body hates me. We do not get along. Thank you, body for forcing me to make lists of restaurants/fast food places I can and cannot eat at. It also affects my friends and family when they are with me. Good. A couple on the list (thank GOODNESS McDonald's is miraculously NOT on the list):

1) Shake Shack -- so depressing.

2) A & W.

3) Qdoba

4)Chipotle

5) Simon's (or any Japanese Steakhouse)-- and I love that food.

The list goes on....

I spend the majority of my weekdays at the library. *A little girl is log rolling across the library floor right now. It looks like she is convulsing. But, she just got up. Oh wait, she's down again....* this is my life. On repeat. Throw some screaming babies in there, and you can easily picture my library experiences. If your kid is crying, wouldn't you walk out of the general area that is supposed to be quiet? Ya know, cradle them, soothe them, walk them in the hallways until they calm down? But no....This is not real life. This is a dream world. On a brighter note, I got complimented by my 'next seat neighbor' that I am the fastest typer he has ever seen in his life.

Why, thank you. Thank you very much.

miss.

I miss H&M.

I miss having everything within walking distance.

I miss having a McDonald's around the corner, along with any other place I could ever DREAM of to eat (why is McDonald's always the first thing I think of?

I miss public transportation. That or having my own car would be nice.

I miss having drawers to use.

I miss my family.

I miss being around a culture that I am familiar with.

At the same time, I miss being around an array of cultures.

I miss having a job.

I miss my coworkers (most of them).

I miss being a nurse full time.

I miss the concrete jungle of New York...

And I miss the green and beauty of Upstate New York.

I miss familiarity...Having a sense of direction, knowing where I am going.

I will give it time. It will take getting used to. I have to try to be positive...But right now, it's just not happening.

Thus, this ends the negative nancy post.

I just am missing a lot today.

Library fun.

Well, here I am. Utah.

To be specific, currently at the Provo City Library. This is seriously the only place I know how to get to besides Jackson's place of work. Why must Utah roads be so confusing to an easterner like me?

Help, I'm surrounded by mountains! First, a side view...Last, a picture of Jackson's backside..I mean, the view across the street from the place I am staying at.

My little baby Kindle's screen stopped working mid plane ride. I almost lost it right there. Actually I did...I was homesick, sad, and clutching my pillow pet (the mini ones make for an AWESOME travel pillow). I looked like such a child.

My Lady Bug Pillow Pet!!!!! 4 years old.

But thankfully, Amazon is amazing and after an extremely short and pleasant phone call, I had a free replacement sent to me immediately. So, no bad words for Amazon OR Kindles. However, I did cheat and buy a few books at Barnes and Noble...That place, the smell, the way I could spend hours there....Ahh.

I've applied to about 4 trillion jobs and have gotten no bites. Great. I am not losing hope yet...But still. Agh, it's already been a week and I feel as if I am starting to get sick of this nothingness.

This is a public PLEA. If you are in the Salt Lake/Provo area, please help me get a nursing job. I'm a good nurse, I swear. I am desperate. Call anyone you know.

I'm Movin' Out.

Funny how quite a few of my blog post titles happen to be from Billy Joel masterpieces. That or Ben Folds (see most recent, 'Rockin' the Suburbs'). Thanks Mr. Joel and Mr. Folds. /end tangent.

Upon observation of the picture above, you can see that packing has now officially commenced. No, this mess is not due to Hurricane Irene or Lee. Although TRUE story: My brother's first day of 11th grade started out with a two hour delay because of crazy flooding here. LUCKYYY (Matt and I have been watching too much Napoleon Dynamite lately). I figured today is as good of a day as any to start packing.....2 days before. Procrastination at it's absolute finest.

Packing can be a lot of fun whilst web-camming with a lovely boyfriend. He probably learned some things about me he didn't want to know. Like, maybe I smell my clothes to check if they're clean. Does anyone else do this? Oh, the things he is in for.....

On a serious note, please keep Hershey, PA and the surrounding areas in your prayers. I spent the majority of 2 years there (2008-2010). There is massive flooding...Along with areas around where I live as well, but Hershey/Harrisburg has it bad. This is the entrance of Hershey Park. It's only supposed to get worse.

On a cooler note,

Just check this hotness out. I used to be such a babe. Yes, those are custom-made scrubs that have musical notes on them because I played piano. Yes, those are owl glasses. Yes, I went to work with my dad and saw brain surgery that day. #Destined2BeaNurse4e.

:)

Untitled for now.

Excuse my blog. I try to design it and be creative...Instant fail. I tried! I give up! So frustrating. I'm leaving anything web-related up to Jackson. I'm a nerd in different ways...Reading, anything health-related, and an app on my phone called Tiny Towers. That's it.

What have I been doing since I've been home/unemployed?

Sleeping in until 12 or 1pm everyday.

And I get to sleep next to this guy every night...I have to wake him up when I do; He's lazy too. He has about half my bed and his own pillow to sleep on. What a baby.

Going bowling with my sister, brother, and mom and getting the lowest score each round. In my world, the lower the better.

Can you guess which score is mine? ...Hoping that you don't catch on that my name is the only one starting with an A, and that you can't read the number 33.

Being a "Lake Bum" (as Jackson lovingly refers to me as)...I can't help it. I'm in love with lakes, boats and doing nothing!

And apparently I'm easy to make friends with. Especially little kid friends. My brother thought this was really funny.

Driving occasionally. Dropping off my brother to his girlfriend's, (he is nice enough to let me 'borrow' my old car..), Wal Mart, late night Taco Bell runs, etc.

Evidence that my brother is nice enough to leave me notes at 12pm (I was sleeping) to let me know he is taking the car. And he still says Love you....The best 16-going-on-17 year old brother ever.

I just got done uploading so many amazing pictures from my summer/NYC that I haven't gotten to share yet. This will happen soon. Maybe I should start packing. Official fly-out date: Saturday, September 10th. Yep, that's in 4 days. I better get started.

Rockin' The Suburbs.

If this isn't suburbia, I don't know what is.

Right now, I'm sitting on a lawn chair on my dad's deck. It's sunny, Taz is playing in the yard...So relaxing.

I'm listening to The Civil Wars right now. If you haven't heard them, check them out. Their music is mellow/intense/haunting/beautiful. I seldom buy albums online, but this was $6 well spent. They vaguely remind me of the Damien Rice/Lisa Hannigan duo.

My last day of work was bittersweet. It ended up being on Sunday, the day of the apocalyptic hurricane Irene that was not apocalyptic at all minus the fact that every single business was closed for the hurricane. Manhattan was like a ghost town, I had never seen it like that before. It took me 15 minutes to get a cab to work on a silent Sunday. I ended up sharing a cab with a guy who thought it was necessary to play his slow jams on his cell phone for everyone to hear. I'm just thankful I got a taxi and made it on time to work, and for the free breakfast that awaited me. I love getting food for free. It was such a relaxing last day of work. It was the funniest thing though, seeing everyone who had spent the whole weekend there. I called it the Lenox Hill slumber party. At around 4pm, the night shifters were walking around in their pajamas (some oddly mismatched). I feel like I got to know them by what they chose to wear as their PJs. It was hilarious. Robes, cartoon PJ pants, oh the list goes on. It was so cute, too -- The girls made a hospital room into their own 'bedroom'. They slept on the hospital beds, 3 beds to a room. It was oddly home-y looking.

I will really miss everyone. I got to go out to dinner after with some of the "young" girls from work, and it was a really nice way to leave. As awkward as I felt first starting work there, I really got to know and love a lot of my coworkers. Most of them were so helpful.

I no longer live in Zoo 210 (our loving nickname for the apartment building), THANK GOODNESS. Jackson came for the weekend -- I thanked my lucky stars that his flight got cancelled on Sunday night because he ended up staying until Tuesday, the day that I officially moved out. How lucky I am that he wasn't afraid to get on his hands and knees and clean that place. I swore that if I had to clean up mice droppings I would puke. He cleaned everything. He's a keeper for sure.

This was our Hurricane gear: Garbage bag outfits that we designed ourselves. We had to get creative since I had no umbrella. They break so easily, I can never get myself to buy them.

One last song -- I can't help myself.

Manic Monday Meltdown.

Well, first off my phone has been ringing nonstop - 17 phone calls a day, give or take - and I'm about to go crazy. My buzzer is currently buzzing nonstop, brokers show up unexpected to come take a look at our apartment. Hello, we will give advice to NOT sell this condemned apartment!!

Now that that's off my chest...(and two phone calls later, within the past 4 minutes)

I have two weeks to pack up everything and go home. HOW?! So scared, but so excited.

First stop: Horseheads. How long? I have yet to figure that out. I am the world's biggest procrastinator -- For Example: I drop off my laundry today at 12pm. It's finished within three hours, but I have (choose) to wait until 5:55 pm to pick it up, 5 minutes before it closes. Oops.

Packing, cleaning, so much working, that will be my life for the next two weeks. Maybe, just maybe trying to find a flight to get out to Utah.

I am literally starting with nothing but some money and a few suitcases. It will be quite the adventure. And no, I will not be living on the streets.

My Life: Chapter 4.

If I could sum up my life in a book (definitely abridged) there would be three major chapters so far. Right now, I am going to introduce to the world the fourth chapter that has yet to be written, but is in the making.

Chapter One: Childhood.

There would be many sections to this chapter. It was bittersweet. It was growing up.

Chapter Two: College.

Actually, every chapter is growing up. I'll never stop growing up (tangent). But this section is self-explanatory. Four years ending with a Bachelor's Degree. This would be split into four sections, each shockingly different than the rest.

Chapter Three: New York City (beginning of adulthood).

It was a love/hate relationship. I am a nurse at a prestigious hospital in Manhattan, I learned and became competent (not to mention confident) in my job. I met a best friend. I met a man that I love. Overall, I had a blast.

The new chapter that I will begin 'writing' at the beginning of September is:

Chapter Four: I'm moving to Utah.

I put in my four week's notice. My last official day as a New York City nurse will be August 29th, 2011. It is sad, but it is necessary. Overall, I am just exhausted from the fast pace of one of the busiest cities in the world. I will miss it so much, but everyone from work says I fail as a City girl because I am too nice (I take that as a compliment). I will miss having everything within walking distance...I am a block away from: an Italian restaurant, multiple drug stores, a bank, a park, a library, Chinese food, Mexican food (see the food pattern?), a post office, shopping, so close to Herald Square. I have lived in the heart of Times Square. I have had the pleasure of working with the homeless, tourists who speak no English, patients I will always love and pray for. But I need something new. I need to do this for myself.

Why Utah? I've fought for more than a few months with the thought of moving out there. Many people know that my boyfriend lives there. I didn't want to be that girl that moved out for that guy. But I know in my heart that this is the right that it is the right decision for me; this is the next step. I will ALWAYS be an East Coast girl. I KNOW I will be back on the East Coast someday (hopefully within a couple of years, fingers crossed), but for now, this is a good fit. It's a huge move. I don't have a job yet, don't have an apartment, but I do have some money saved up and a whole lot of hope, as well as support.

I love you all. I love New York. But here I go, into the next chapter.

For the Beauty of the earth.

I'm at the lake with my dad. Nothingness, water, sun, boat for 7 days. Literally just what I've been needing for so long.

This will be short, and a list since listing thoughts are easy(-ier?).

Things I love (right now):

1) Reading...reading has accounted for about 95% of my vacation thus far. 'The Alchemist' was the most recent one. Beautiful, I highlighted basically 3/4 of the book, and to know that it was published in 1988 made it all the more better. Also, goodreads. Also, my kindle.

2) Water and having the ability to jump in any time I want, especially in this high heat.

3) I'm getting out of my lease/moving (where? to be continued...). There are many complications, but in Billy Joel's words, "I'm Moving Out".

4) my iPhone, for helping us get back to the cottage after a late night boat ride and forgetting where exactly the cottage was located. My dad even expressed his thankfulness for it.

5) Sea glass and sea shells with beautiful and mysterious paintings on the back, found at the shore. I'm collecting sea glass. What will I do with it? I'm not sure yet. Suggestions are welcomed.

6) Barbecues. Yum.

7) This beautiful cottage. So cutely decorated, it's almost 90 years old. Such a gem. I want to own a little cute place like this to retire in someday.

8) I guess my favorite word is beautiful. But that's what life is...

Never have I ever been reduced to tears while looking at a sun setting (that's probably a lie, but I can't remember). But I did the other night while on the boat. A hymn came to my mind, which has been rare as of late. "For the Beauty of the Earth"...

For the beauty of the earth,

For the beauty of the skies,

For the love which from our birth

Over and around us lies....

Well, I'll end with that. I think it sums up how I'm feeling right now.

Oh, and I'm thankful for my dad for giving me a great vacation. Thanks, dad!

grateful.

I had a horribly long day. My feet ache. So I decided, what better time than now to write a "What I am grateful for" list?

What am I grateful for right now?

For a best-boyfriend, Jackson- it sure has been a lovely, challenging, rewarding one year with you.

For a best friend, Lauren-- For being there for each other even though the distance between the Eastside and Westside of Manhattan seems like an eternity away.

For my BFF(in school) Nichole....Catching up, our new matching "I heart JM" shirts. I miss you already.

For my life. For my health-- Which I need to take a little bit more care of.

For books-- Getting lost in a story.

For hugs at work. You probably won't ever read this, but thank you so much Shaniqua, you made my day. And on top of that, filing my papers...An angel of a clerk.

For the man that risked his elbow to pry open the door for me on the subway. I made sure to thank you twice, once after, and once as I was leaving incase you didn't realize how long an extra 10 minutes goes for me.

For my dad, for booking a cottage on the Lake. Where I will relax, and read, and boat, and sleep. Repeat.

What's New.

It's been a month since I've written. Oops.

Lots of being busy.

Lots of work.

Some vacation, two trips home, one trip to Utah.

That's a lot of stuff.

I wish I was quick with uploading pictures, but unfortunately I am lazy and sit on my computer doing everything but that. I think the highlights are these:

I went home for two days. I drove my grandma's car home and enjoyed a lovely road trip through upstate New York. Have I mentioned that I miss driving so much? When I got home, I saw my sister. I feel like these meetings have become rare. It was so nice to see her. We went to one of my favorite places on earth, the gorges/waterfalls of Ithaca, NY.

This is one of the most beautiful spots of Fall Creek. The abandoned building-- I went to go visit it. It was torn down. I was very sad.

But fortunately, the beauty lives on in Ithaca. There are so many more beautiful spots like this. I made my sister climb down and up the waterfalls (I think she thought I was crazy/who knew I could be a daredevil sometimes), just so we could go under one and feel the water pounding over us. It's one of those moments where you feel lucky to be alive and be living on an earth that is so glorious and beautiful.

I went to Utah. I biked my first time on a tandem bike with Jackson --Who knew they made mountain bike tandem-style? We rode along the Provo River. We did not know that the river flooded at one point on the trail and we ended up knee deep in water while on the bike (a tandem bike at that). It was pretty funny. I don't think I'll ever forget that moment, we laughed until we cried!

I woke up at 5am on July 4th, scheduled to work and homesick. I called and asked for the day off because I knew the hospital wasn't busy. They graciously gave me the day off, and I took the first bus headed for home. It was only for the night, but I had such a wonderful time. I went on Keuka Lake on the boat with my dad, my little brother Matt and Taz (my dad's cute, crazy dog). I met up with my BFF since 2nd grade, Nichole. It was lovely...I hadn't seen her in almost a year, see what being a grown up does to you?!? Nonsense. I even came and surprised her extended family-- They are literally my second aunts, uncles, cousins, and I love them all so much.

I've realized how much I appreciate and love the beauty of Upstate New York, family, what I will always call home. The High School me would have never believed me. Maybe one day I'll end up back there....

Jackson came this weekend. We celebrated what will be our one year of being together as of next weekend. It was wonderful. We went to the place we first met, walked around Battery Park, had dinner, were lazy and reminisced. It is crazy to look back on how much we have grown this past year together.

This was taken yesterday at Battery Park. I had to force him to smile :)

I'll try to be better about more updates.

For now, this is my life. I am pretty content.

i am Me.

That's me.

(Pretty sure you know that if you're reading this)

I have crazy curly hair.

Thanks to the New York City heat wave/humidity 100%, It is even crazier.

Does it make me crazy sometimes? Yes. Would I change it? No. It is me.

I have my dad's eyes.

I have white teeth.

I have chapped lips.

I am me.

I have air conditioning blowing on my back right now..This makes me happy.

After 10 months of living in the City with no couch, I finally got to sit back with Kevin and watch a movie....On our free couch, in front of a TV and not a laptop. That made me happy. And for once, Kevin liked my movie choice. Thank you, sociology class for making me become obsessed with the 1971 Stanford Prison Experiment. It helped me bond with my roommate.

I have a 4 day weekend. Happiness.

Bye for now.

Spelling confusion with a "k"

I was walking home tonight from work...The same sidewalks as always. Everything familiar to me. On the verge of tears.

I remembered how many times this has happened in the past year.

Crying, in the past because I was homesick, crying because my heart aches for my patients, crying because work is so hard sometimes.

But now I found myself crying because I have no one to come home to....To talk to, to share my day with. No best friend.

It reminds me of that Dane Cook skit, where he talks about how you're on the verge of tears all day, and you just can't wait to go home and sob. And cry and cry. And know you're not going to fall asleep, yet it's all you want to do.

Right now, I'm listening to sad songs that I used to listen to in high school.

Konstantine, Walking By, Something Corporate.

The memories. The memories of when I thought I was so emo/sad...But in reality, those were the best moments of my life.

UGHHhhhh.....

I hate being like this.

On top of that, I'm sunburnt and I hear mice in my kitchen but am terrified to go look.

Okay...This is turning into a pity party.

Sorry, bye.

Inspiration.

Can I just say that heart to hearts with my Dad can be so therapeutic?

I said it. I mean it.

On another note...Being a friend-nurse pays (not money-wise, love-wise).

I've told you that every patient I have come into contact with has been a friend, some way or another..

Now that I work on days, their families have become my friends, too.

My patient a few days ago..I learned that he was a personal trainer, in love with fitness and muscle magazines. Coincidentally, the previous tenant in my apartment was too. I have been receiving body builder magazines since I have been here. I took these magazines sitting on my counter idly and gave him them to read while he was undergoing radiation and chemo. I told him I loved to read, but not that kind of stuff...He laughed.

The other family/patient in the room heard that I loved reading...I asked what they liked to read. They showed me the current book that they were reading, "Unbroken", a previous NYT best seller. The next day, the family member left me a note and two books and the note said it was for me to keep. She finished it and wanted to give it to me.

I am so blessed by my patients.

This, this has all been a reminder of the blessings that I have just from talking with my dad. Thanks, dad. You are more of an inspiration to me than you will ever know.

"Keep on keeping on."

We both will survive.

Broken

Really broken.

I've never been this real before, but my life is a wreck.

I usually post good things on this blog....My life is so beautiful yet 99.5% of the time it doesn't feel that way.

I'm glad the 0.5% is documented on this blog. I want to remember those moments where I feel alive.

But right now, I don't.

Empty. Broken. Heart hurts. Can't explain the way that it feels, because it hurts so much.

I need to be more honest, more open with myself and my problems. But it feels like I can't on here.

I have a new e-pal (pen pals through e-mail, obviously). Her name is Shay. I met her I think through the grace of God. We bonded because we both had tattoos on our foot and were Mormons going to institute in the Middle of Nowhere, Pennsylvania. But, I think our meeting was meant for a much more deeper purpose than that. She knows the pain I feel. She's been through it herself. I am so thankful for that. At least there is something positive in this post.

I am in the process of trying to be open to those who mean so much to me. Lauren, you're next. I've hesitated-- I put on a facade, I try to be happy.

There are so many things I need to work out in this broken life of mine. But my heart is broken. Which leads to me trying to fix myself. Nursing is my job. But I also need to nurse my heart before I nurse anyone else.

Work in progress. That is me.

Progress will begin.....But man, it's so hard.

I am ruining a relationship that is so important to me.

A person that I love.

That I have trusted more than anyone else in this world.

He walked away, he couldn't take it anymore.

Do I blame him? No.

Did I try to change his mind? Yes.

Was I successful? No.

I don't blame him.

But it hurts. It aches.

It hurts so much.

Tears fall down my face as I write this.....

I've never been this honest, this real on this blog...But this is a cry for help.

Please pray for me. Keep me in your prayers. I am self-destructing. I feel helpless.

Feeling helpless is in my opinion, the worst, most miserable feeling in the world. Feeling like there is nothing I can do. And I can't do anything.

I give up.