Spelling confusion with a "k"

I was walking home tonight from work...The same sidewalks as always. Everything familiar to me. On the verge of tears.

I remembered how many times this has happened in the past year.

Crying, in the past because I was homesick, crying because my heart aches for my patients, crying because work is so hard sometimes.

But now I found myself crying because I have no one to come home to....To talk to, to share my day with. No best friend.

It reminds me of that Dane Cook skit, where he talks about how you're on the verge of tears all day, and you just can't wait to go home and sob. And cry and cry. And know you're not going to fall asleep, yet it's all you want to do.

Right now, I'm listening to sad songs that I used to listen to in high school.

Konstantine, Walking By, Something Corporate.

The memories. The memories of when I thought I was so emo/sad...But in reality, those were the best moments of my life.

UGHHhhhh.....

I hate being like this.

On top of that, I'm sunburnt and I hear mice in my kitchen but am terrified to go look.

Okay...This is turning into a pity party.

Sorry, bye.

Inspiration.

Can I just say that heart to hearts with my Dad can be so therapeutic?

I said it. I mean it.

On another note...Being a friend-nurse pays (not money-wise, love-wise).

I've told you that every patient I have come into contact with has been a friend, some way or another..

Now that I work on days, their families have become my friends, too.

My patient a few days ago..I learned that he was a personal trainer, in love with fitness and muscle magazines. Coincidentally, the previous tenant in my apartment was too. I have been receiving body builder magazines since I have been here. I took these magazines sitting on my counter idly and gave him them to read while he was undergoing radiation and chemo. I told him I loved to read, but not that kind of stuff...He laughed.

The other family/patient in the room heard that I loved reading...I asked what they liked to read. They showed me the current book that they were reading, "Unbroken", a previous NYT best seller. The next day, the family member left me a note and two books and the note said it was for me to keep. She finished it and wanted to give it to me.

I am so blessed by my patients.

This, this has all been a reminder of the blessings that I have just from talking with my dad. Thanks, dad. You are more of an inspiration to me than you will ever know.

"Keep on keeping on."

We both will survive.

Broken

Really broken.

I've never been this real before, but my life is a wreck.

I usually post good things on this blog....My life is so beautiful yet 99.5% of the time it doesn't feel that way.

I'm glad the 0.5% is documented on this blog. I want to remember those moments where I feel alive.

But right now, I don't.

Empty. Broken. Heart hurts. Can't explain the way that it feels, because it hurts so much.

I need to be more honest, more open with myself and my problems. But it feels like I can't on here.

I have a new e-pal (pen pals through e-mail, obviously). Her name is Shay. I met her I think through the grace of God. We bonded because we both had tattoos on our foot and were Mormons going to institute in the Middle of Nowhere, Pennsylvania. But, I think our meeting was meant for a much more deeper purpose than that. She knows the pain I feel. She's been through it herself. I am so thankful for that. At least there is something positive in this post.

I am in the process of trying to be open to those who mean so much to me. Lauren, you're next. I've hesitated-- I put on a facade, I try to be happy.

There are so many things I need to work out in this broken life of mine. But my heart is broken. Which leads to me trying to fix myself. Nursing is my job. But I also need to nurse my heart before I nurse anyone else.

Work in progress. That is me.

Progress will begin.....But man, it's so hard.

I am ruining a relationship that is so important to me.

A person that I love.

That I have trusted more than anyone else in this world.

He walked away, he couldn't take it anymore.

Do I blame him? No.

Did I try to change his mind? Yes.

Was I successful? No.

I don't blame him.

But it hurts. It aches.

It hurts so much.

Tears fall down my face as I write this.....

I've never been this honest, this real on this blog...But this is a cry for help.

Please pray for me. Keep me in your prayers. I am self-destructing. I feel helpless.

Feeling helpless is in my opinion, the worst, most miserable feeling in the world. Feeling like there is nothing I can do. And I can't do anything.

I give up.

Proof.

I figured I would add some pictures to prove that I'm here.....What I ramble about exists. City living. Friend without the "s".

Proof that I get out on rare occasions. Last week (or was it 2 weeks ago?) I went to a Yankees game for a ward activity. I've been lucky enough to have gone to a few since 2009 in the same stadium.

Proof that I have a friend. See, Lauren. The blonde girl. Love.

Proof that I'm not the only Gaga fan in the City. Disregard the mustache.

Proof that the sun exists. In my happy place, happily reading in the Central Park Plaza rooftop that I've talked so highly about. The sun, the empire state building so close....

Be back later.

Something about this place...

Life has been a roller coaster lately.

Work has been filled with crazy experiences that I would NEVER have gotten anywhere else but

a) on a Med/Surg floor

and

b) in New York City.

I cannot help but laugh maniacally at the end of a 3 day weekend...Filled with stuff which I cannot say. But I laugh. If you don't laugh, you won't make it. I see everything. I see life, death, recovery, the bad, the good...I meet family members that I form a bond with, and patients that I will never forget. They will forever have my love. They have touched my heart in ways that I cannot explain.

Back in the day...I swore that I would NEVER work on a med/surg floor. Now, I truly KNOW that it has helped me learn so much about nursing and life in general.

I've seen and listened to the first breath of a child coming into the world.

I have held the hand of someone on the brink of death.

Amazing.

Enough with this nursing rant.

My curly hair is frizzing to the max.

This means the heat is coming.

80 degrees....My body was in shock coming home from work tonight.

This means summer is coming....Please let this lead to a beach.

I need escape. Vacation. Beauty that involves nature and not sky scrapers.

New Lady Gaga CD came out.

Want to know how lazy I am?

I'm in love with her....She was 20 blocks from my apartment last night in Union Square. Did I go to the CD signing?

No....I didn't want to deal with those overrated crowds.

//hipster.

I've been emo lately. "Something's Missing" by John Mayer playing and replaying in my head constantly.

But I'd like to thank my blog, for letting me remember that even though I feel like there is so much bad, I have so much happiness I should be cherishing.

Day by Day...Year by Year.

Big milestones in my life are coming up.

Getting this out of the way (but so happy)... I saw my dad on Saturday night. He came to the city just to have dinner with me after I got out of work at 8:30pm. (he was in Yonkers to visit my grandma). It was so nice. I like it when home comes to me sometimes, and he is one of my favorite parts of home, because he is my dad. We went to an Italian place a half of a block from my apartment. I wanted to take Jackson there this weekend (he is coming this weekend...I can't contain my excitement)...But I'm glad I tried it out before he came, because he would not be able to fit inside of the restaurant...Literally. The ceiling had to have been 6'0 at most...Which makes it the cutest most adorable little place ever. But, it just wouldn't work for 6'4 Jackson. Oops.

On to the milestones....

In 5 days it will mark the one year anniversary of me graduating from Penn State. One year since I became a grown up. One year since one of the best, most happiest days of my life. I honestly cannot believe it. I am so proud that I went to a great school (I can't thank my dad enough) and that I graduated in under 4 years. I have accomplished a lot. I am humbly proud of that.

Second, oh my. I have almost been living in New York for one entire year. If you count the 3 months I spent living here and doing my internship in summer of 2009, that's more than a year. Wow. I am so lucky to be here. To be living here, working here...I remember when I was a new freshman in college and I decided I wanted to do nursing. My dad told me to visit my cousin Jennifer and follow her for a day, he told me she's a nurse in the heart of New York City. I pictured this place...So foreign, so freaking cool. I remember the kind of feeling that I felt when I walked out of the subway and went to interview for my externship....A New York City hospital?! How cool is this?! And then in 2010, it became routine. But I am still so happy that I have had this experience. Some days, I wish I still had that "foreign feeling". But in my heart, I am truly grateful.....And humbled that I have had this great experience. Not much can compare to this. And....Lauren is living here now. What a lovely bonus. I finally have a girl friend!! AND my best friend at that.

Lauren and I .....Thanks RS yoga. And um, thanks Lauren for hooking me up with some random guy you met in a taxi from JFK :)

Years fly by so fast....I'm so glad I have a good memory. I can savor the moments of high school (which sometimes I long for), and (hopefully) remember those of today.

I really remember that day with perfect clarity. (And SAM, and CARLY). Highschool..Yeah.

One lucky girl I am.

Diversification. Urban Living.

Lauren is back in New York City, for good this time.

For some reason, Lauren makes New York City magical for me. I don't know how, but it only happens whenever she is here.

Lauren is my best friend. She makes me into one of the best live-in tourists around.

To start off our reunion, we went to the Target in Spanish Harlem. Oh my.....It was quite the experience getting there. It was a half of a mile walk from the subway to the store. It was such a cool culture shock. Everything was in Spanish, there was a walk-up McDonald's order window, there was a "live poultry" store that smelled like a zoo (aka you go there, they kill the chicken, you get to pridefully bring it home for dinner), we stuck out like sore thumbs. But it was such a great experience and area. I would love to go spend more time there. I stood and looked around me in Spanish Harlem, and I was aware of all of the kids around me. Being raised there to me seems unfathomable, but so many are and I am intrigued...It is really something I would love to learn about.

That's the most amazing this about this city is the diversity. You don't see it until you step outside of your neighborhood or borough boundaries...And then you see the beauty of it. I feel so lucky.

I started taking the bus again today. It seems that I coincide either with taking the bus either during summer or with Lauren. I like to think Lauren, because she makes me travel a lot, considering she lives across town. So I took the bus uptown to dinner and enjoyed every minute of it. Something is soothing about it. Maybe it's the cellphone service that isn't attained being underground, maybe it's just overall a bit more peaceful and slow paced than the subway. Either way, I like it. We went to dinner at Delizia Ristorante on 74th and 1st Ave. It was pretty good. We are food adventurists.

Gross story of the day.......

Remember when you went to college (or grew up and moved away from home)? Mom and Dad gave me a big plastic container for my dorm to put food in. I stored it under my bed.

Fast forward to when I live(d) in New York City. I haven't told anyone this because I have been absolutely terrified, but I have been waking up to strange noises in the morning from under my bed. Scratching sounds. I know they are mice. But WHAT do they want from me?! I don't keep food in my room!

Fast forward to today...Me cleaning under my bed (finally a day off). I find a single box of Ramen Noodles. It was sealed, vaccutained, boxed, never touched. I must have put it in my room to take to work, forgotten it, and then it got mistakenly pushed under the bed to never be remembered. Well, it was remembered today. It certainly made its' mark. As I retrieved it, it looked basically unopened. Then, I found a hole. To my absolute horror, a mouse had found a way to take out and eat every single part (including the spices...eeek) of the cup of ramen noodles. Not a remnant of ramen, noodles, or powder left. Just styrofoam and plastic.

Moral of the story: I will always remember the plastic container to put food in whenever I need to store food under my bed...hopefully that is never.