Late Nights.

Almost 2 am.
Beats the 5am nights I had during break. But the fact that I have to get up at 8:30am tomorrow, not cool.

I'm lost right now. I don't know how else to explain it. Just....Lost.

I try to run away from things, only to "bump" right back into them on my way out. It will never be gone. I need to face it head on, when all I really want is for it to disappear and never come back. But how do I face it?

How do you fix something that's broken seemingly beyond repair?
I think that there's no right answer to that question.

My eyes are tired. My mind is too. Which is probably why none of this makes sense.
Goodnight.

P.S. Watched the first episode of Entourage season One tonight....I very much enjoy it.

so weird.

Two items of weird today. Sad or funny one first?

Funny. Actually, it's not funny at all. It's DISGUSTING.
So I'm napping in my mom's bed because hers is the most comfortable, and her dog Benji, who I hate, is lying there with me. He jumps off and then sneaks under the bed. I assumed it was to follow our cat PepperAnn because they like to cuddle sometimes, so I looked to see what was going on. It was then I found out that Benji is an underwear snatcher. He has 4 pairs of my (clean) underwear that he's collected under my mom's bed and is cuddling with them. Only MY underwear. I've learned one thing today, and it's to put my stuff in drawers. But, it just boggles my mind. I don't really have underwear just lying around. I'm thinking he went through my bags. And WHY not anyone else's underwear? My sister/mom had theirs all over the place this past week.

Sad and short.
I woke up today at an embarrassingly late hour, went into the kitchen, and my mom's looking at me weird. She goes, "Amy, why were you crying this morning?" I swore up and down I wasn't crying. She then told me at 9:30 this morning she hears me break into sobs for about 10 minutes. The dogs were outside of my door worried. So, I was crying hysterically while sleeping this morning. I remember what I was dreaming about, but I'm not going to share it just because it IS something that upsets me, even though it shouldn't. But still, I dream about this thing a lot so I wonder how many times I actually cry in my sleep. I didn't know I did that.


p.s. Kevin says.... "WHY YOU No HAF BOyFrAnnNnN?!"
Good question. Point to ponder.

sweet home.

Well...Sometimes. Bittersweet, I guess.
But these nights are what I live for. Obviously i had a lovely time yesterday due to Thanksgiving. I ate about a million pounds of food, more or less. It was glorious. My family is beautiful...Once I get pictures I'll post them. I enjoyed every minute I spent with them in Connecticut (minus the 5 hour drive). My baby cousin is 5. How did he get so big? I just don't comprehend little kids becoming big...It's not fair. My cousin Devin and I have much more in common than I thought; We had a lot of fun together. A Fine Frenzy, Meiko, and Regina Spektor were all included on our playlist last night while hanging out in her room. I haven't hung out with her in over 5 years. It was definitely amazing. Plus, I got 2 books out of it. "The Philosophy of Andy Warhol" and "Prozac Nation". I'm officially in reading mode, watch out world.
Right now, I'm having a girl's night (plus Kevin) at my mom's. Watching "The Sweetest Thing", loving life and loving the comfort of home. Late night Thanksgiving leftovers are what I am most looking forward to. Turnips, turkey, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, gravy, sweet potato casserole, need I say more? Maybe this was pointless, but right now I am so content.

P.S. All of my friends are out at bars...Where am I? LOVING my family. Even if some of them aren't related to me.

breaking.

Break.
It's been lots of late nights, but totally fun and worth it.
I love my family, even though they're loud and crazy sometimes.
It's been movie day. We're still in our Pajamas and it's 4:50pm. Ordering pizza and staying in. On movie number two. First was "The Taking of Pelham 123"- I don't remember the last time I got so into a movie, it was so intense and the actors were PHENOMENAL. Right now, "Sugar and Spice". Highly embarrassing to admit I'm watching that.
Tomorrow, going to Connecticut.
Happy Thanksgiving!!


p.s. 'Oceans' - The Format
Why am I scared of people in a room?
Why can't they see a good time are the people close to you?

These lyrics kind of remind me of tonight....The biggest party/bar night of the year, since everyone is home from college. I was invited to go out with a bunch of friends, but you know what I'm doing instead? Sitting home, playing with my sister and Kevin, possibly making forts and eating a lot of food. I think it beats a sweaty, crowded bar any day.
"You know the night life it's just not for me,
'Cause all you really need are a few good friends."

answers.

Laughter cures everything.
Watching TV in mom's bed makes life okay...But only if it's Ghost Hunters or THS Investigates.
Sometimes, all you really need are a few (or two, or one) good friends.
Home cooking is comforting.
Chelsea Handler is hilarious.
Lady GaGa is our Queen.

hope finds a way.

I'm avoiding studying at all costs.
It's been a while since I've posted about my student nurse experiences. Case of the seniors. However, right now I feel inclined to do so.
Once this semester, each of us in pediatrics gets to do a rotation in the specialty clinics. Today was my day. I was excited only because I didn't have to go in until 8am.
I was placed in the pediatric cancer specialty clinic, an outpatient clinic where kids go to get spinal taps, chemotherapy, infusions. There, I saw hope. I saw little kids with leukemia and cancer walking around with big smiles on their faces. They were the bravest little ones I've ever seen in my life. I saw their parents, carrying binders and folders filled with information, medication lists, blood counts. It was one big family, that clinic.
We can't say our lives are hard until we see these children and the optimism they carry with them. They light up a room with their big hearts, full of hope.


I saw a note on the bulletin board by a 7 year old girl. It said:
"Today is my last day of chemo, halleluia!! Now I don't have to go to the doctors for 3 months. I'll miss you." She listed all of her nurses and doctors who took care of her in a big heart.

My first two years of college, I was heavily involved in THON, a 46 hour no sitting, no sleeping dance marathon for these children with cancer at Hershey Medical center. Last year alone, they raised $7.5 million for the kids. Each year that number rises. THON is a schoolwide, year round ordeal at Penn State. It is the largest student-run philanthropy in the world. These children treat THON like Christmas...They get to play with other kids who have the same struggles, and with cool college kids. Today, I saw what their lives were like. I will always remember today.

Cheers to...

Cheers to Pennsylvania, one of the most useless states out there.
Every year, my goal is to be a little more optimistic. This year, I'll set aside my hatred for this state and reflect on the good that has come of me living here.

1) Penn State. I'm not very grateful for some of the situations I've been put in, the lack of Church activities, the extreme overly-drunk students walking around 24/7 literally (me=negative Nancy), but I am grateful for being a part of this school. I can attest that they call it Happy Valley because of the school spirit and pride you feel on that campus. I remember walking plenty of times to class, taking a deep breath of air in and smiling because I went to such a great school on a beautiful campus.

2) Friends.

I'll be honest, I don't have a lot of close friends in Pennsylvania. I only really became close to 2 girls at main campus, and one was a friend from highschool, so I guess that doesn't count. So, albeit new friendships, I am thankful for friends here in Hershey. Cheers to sanity, or lack thereof.


3) NetFlix, scrapbooking, reading, Skyping....
Thanks to there being nothing to do in PA, I've found solace in getting that little red encased DVD in the mail. I reminisce monthly while trying to finish my New York City scrapbook, and sadly reflect back on the summer when I had it all. I read and read some more. I Skype (self explanatory).

4) Chocolate.
I live in "The Sweetest Place On Earth", (note: I am not grateful for living here).....Sometimes if you're lucky, while walking outside there's a hint of chocolate in the breeze. And it's not just me smelling things, it's real. The chocolate factory is pretty close by. On occasion, I'll lower my windows in my car for this reason. It smells good. But then there are bad days, when it's cow manure instead. It's basically Farmville out here (shoutout to farmville......not).




Pennsylvania and I have officially set aside our differences. I guess.

you don't know me...

Ha. Title is irrelevant. Usually they are. But to answer your question Shay (since you're like 1 of 3 that read my blog) but you were right, the last post title was a subliminal shoutout to Taylor Swift. I love that song.

I'm really feeling this 70 degree weather in the middle of November. Today is November 15th...This means exactly 6 months until I graduate. The countdown starts today. I feel like I can do this!!!

I went to my last Penn State football game as a student yesterday. It was the senior game. It was bittersweet. Not gonna lie, got a little teary eyed while watching the "senior video". I think it's because right now, I'm a part of something that's bigger than myself...I can affiliate myself with the Penn State students. Now, I can't anymore. Whatever. I'll get over it. I guess I'll still be "a part of something bigger": 1 of every 127 Americans with a college degree is a Penn State grad. So I guess I'll be in good company. In NYC, I'm sure that statistic will be even higher thanks to the concentration of people.
Honestly though, going on campus today, I felt so old. 3 out of 4 people I passed were little youngsters. The freshmen start to look like little babies to me. Too bad I was one of them 3 years ago, looking all confused roaming the campus.

This is me from the first week of freshmen year: Background, the dorms. Find me in the crowd of girls who I ceased to be friends with shortly after fall semester. Oh, the mems.

Come in with the Rain.

April 2008:

Evolve.
A change is coming.

I can't be afraid of what people say about me, or believe. Only I know the truth. I need to do this for myself. I need to stand up for what I believe is right, despite criticism. That is what the criticizers taught me after all. I'm coming back.


God, give me strength. ♥

Afterword: I wrote this April of 2008 in a journal I have on my computer but never really used. I found it today. It was a pivotal day in my life. I had been inactive for a while, and it was the day I decided to go back to church. No one pushed me but myself, and I was so excited. I look at that and get the chills everytime. I love it...Just wanted to share it : )

is there such thing?

Consensus is, I'm too nice.

I think if this were a few years ago, this would not be the case. I had "sass". But, I've found that you can be on people's good sides if you're nice all the time. So, I've become a nice robot. I love doing nice things for people. I love giving gifts just because, and writing people letters. I don't expect anything in return.
Today after having deep conversations with two friends, a conclusion was made that we all agreed on: I'm a pushover. Being nice is awesome, but there's a point where it can affect how people think of you as. There's such thing as "too nice". If you're too nice, people see you as a pushover. They can win you over, they can do whatever they want and you won't care.

Something's gotta change with this picture. How though?

flying kites.

I honestly don't remember ever flying a kite when I was little. I remember having one, just not the flying part.
I read the book "The Kite Runner" about 5 years ago. It was a beach-read, I remember really liking it though. I finally got around to watching the movie adaptation tonight. I was blown away by it. I think it's my favorite movie adaptation of all time, but this could be because I haven't read the book in so long so don't hold me to it. I don't have much patience for movies anymore and this was all in subtitles, but I just loved it. I love history, different cultures, crying. So this movie was for me. I very much recommend it.

This is a poem from the movie that I absolutely loved.

Who Are We In This Complicated World?

If we come to sleep,

We are His drowsy ones.

And if we come to wake

We are in His hands.

If we come to weeping,

We are His cloud full of raindrops.

And if we come to laughing,

We are His lightning in that moment.

If we come to anger and battle,

It is the reflection of His wrath.

And if we come to peace and pardon,

It is the reflection of His love.

Who are we in this complicated world?

Randoms.

I have 3 random orders of business.

First, I have a confession to make: I'm way too nice. So Friday night, I was making my way back to Wall Street at a super late hour (around 3am) on the subway. I think it's normal for girls to be pretty freaked out. Me? No way. Fearless is my middle name. A drunk guy stumbles and basically falls into the seat next to me, and apologizes while his "companion" is laughing uncontrollably. These guys are probably in their early 30's and gay. We bond; it's going to be a long train ride so why not? I don't think I've ever laughed so hard. We talked about lasik surgery, reading books, college, being businessmen in New York City, Brazil. We chatted for so long that they didn't realize they were on the wrong train until it was a little too late. When it was time for us to part, we exchanged numbers so that we could make sure each of us got back okay. First of all, who does that? Apparently me. I give my number to gay guys on the subway so they can check up on me and make sure I get home. Hey, they were nice so I felt like I should be too. However, this morning I get a text message mid-clinical from one of them. It reads: "Scooby Dooby Doo, Where are you. We got some work to do now." Should I be worried?

Second...My roommate comes in the apartment today to tell me she got attacked in a Wal Mart bathroom. Two fat black girls were fighting, blood all over in the bathroom. My roommate walks out of the stall and gets pummeled. Both girls ended up in the hospital, this is how bad the fight was, but my roommate walked out okay. Harrisburg Wal Mart is the scariest place on earth. I think I'm the only one who doesn't use food stamps there. One time, a lady came up to my roommate and I to tell us she just witnessed a shooting down the road and the killer was on the loose, so be careful. Great.

On a last note, I think I'm falling into Lady Gaga's spell. She makes me want to dance (AND she was born in Lenox Hill Hospital..I'm doing my internship in maternal-newborn there next semester!!! LHH: Where stars are born). There's a theory going around that Lady Gaga is a part of the Illuminati. Since I fall into her trance without a clue why, maybe they're right. HA. Read up little ones.

Split Screen Sadness.

I miss my best friend Lauren.
However, thanks to Skype we can pretend we're watching TV together at the same time. Miss your friends/family TV nights? Want that girls' night back that you lost thanks to your best friend living across the country? Fret no more!
Steps:
1) Sign up for netflix.
2) Pick a show to become addicted to (currently Moonlight); Each order your own discs.
3) Pick a time to meet on Skype, put in your headphones.
4)Press play at the same time.
5) Laugh, cry, and watch one another's reactions as if you were in the seat right next to them.

I now have something to look forward to in Hershey. Thank you Lauren Johnson, but no thank you for living so far away.

I just found out the book I'm reading, "A Prayer for Owen Meany" by John Irving, is actually the basis for the movie "Simon Birch". I'm on page 580, and this didn't click at all. Thanks Shay for that wake up call.

Growing Up.

Matthew. My TOUGH little brother.

My little brother Matt....Born November 4th, 1994. I was in 1st grade and I remember my Grandma coming all the way from England for the occasion. I was so excited for a little brother. A sister was a hassle and someone to fight with. Plus, I was now at the mature age of 6 and ready to handle big sister responsibilities.
I remember my brother pretending to be a hockey player and ruining all of his socks "skating" in our living room. The TV was always occupied when the Sabres were playing. Who picks a favorite hockey team at the age of 3? He was obsessed. My dad swore it was because it was the year the Rangers won the Stanley Cup. That little kid could skate like no one's business. He was my dad's pride and joy, his first and only son to play catch with, teach how to skate, and golf with. He was bleach blonde when he was little.


I don't ever remember us not getting along, besides me getting frustrated when he threw his temper tantrums. We had a "wrestling match" once when we were bored; I was 15. He won.

Matt, now you're 15. You're in highschool, you're almost 6 feet tall, and you tower over me. But, it's fitting because I look up to you. I am so proud of you and who you have become. You're SO smart, such a great hockey player, and you have so much going for you in life. Whenever I talk about you to my friends I have this huge smile on my face and brag about how cool of a brother I have. I am so lucky to have you as a "little" brother.



I love how the last two pictures show how the roles have reversed.

senioritis.

This year is hitting me hard.
Awesome, it's already November. But I have barely gotten by this semester. In fact, right now I'm putting off studying for an exam tomorrow. I was telling my roommates how I'm sick of learning about nursing. They said, "WELL I hope this isn't a problem, you'll be doing this the rest of your life!" Yeah, but I'll be practicing what I love. Not taking exams, dealing with instructors I don't like, etc. I've missed 2 clinicals which is bad news. I just don't have motivation.

This weekend I'm going to the City. It should be fun. I have a lot planned actually. Group lunch, a date (WHAT?!), run/walking a 5k, brunch, Hot Chocolate tasting party, lunch with two different people at two different times, birthday party.....Cannot wait.
And Ohio State's at Penn State this weekend...Cross your fingers for Penn State to DOMINATE.


The song "The Way I Loved You" by Taylor Swift has been in my head all night.