i want to save you.

standing on the edge of morning
scent of sex and new found glory
playing as she's pulling back her hair
she drives away
she's feeling worthless
used again but nothing's different
she stayed the night
but knows he doesn't care

home by three
deafening quiet
the porch light's off
yes they forgot it
she'd cry herself to sleep
but she don't dare
then she wants to be a model
she wants to hear she's beautiful
she's beautiful

i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you

dressed by dawn and out the door
no light
she memorized the floor
so she could leave without being detected
she works till three
it's uniform
she dreams that he'll come by the store
she prays for days
the boys mean she's protected
and she wants someone to see her
she needs to hear she's beautiful
she's beautiful

i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you

and she won't sleep
and she won't sleep
at all

i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you
(let me save you)

Is it weird....

That I still sleep with my teddy bear?
I'm 22 years old.
My teddy bear was mine before I was born. He was a baby shower present from my grandma's best friend (whom I recently confessed to that I still sleep with him every night...She laughed. I don't think she believed me).
When I was little, he was my 'security blanket'. I took him everywhere, absolutely everywhere.

In fact, you can't see it in the back...But I was probably about 4-5 years old when this picture was taken...At Niagra Falls. He was a part of the family photos...Cropped out is my little sister and dad. I have this photo because one day when I was about 8, I thought Teddy was kidnapped. I put this photo up on my door with a sign declaring him missing, to see if he'd come home. Well, he was under my bed and I found him later that day...But still. I loved him so much. I still love him.

I'm not crazy....I don't take him to sleepovers, and I can sleep when he's not around. But when I'm alone in my bed in the comfort of my own home/apartment, there's nothing more comfortable than my teddy bear.




Places he has been with me: Canada, Jamaica, California, Mexico, Aruba, all of Italy, North Carolina, South Carolina, Florida, Georgia, Maryland, Cayman Islands, etc. My teddy is probably more well-traveled than a lot of people.

Anyway...This is something that is maybe taboo, but is near and dear to my heart. I know someday, when I'm married I will most definitely not be sleeping with a teddy bear...But for now, he's all I have. I love him a lot.

nowhere to go but up.

This is going to be how I will feel on May 15th. Floating off into the infinite abyss, unsure of what's going to be there, feeling like I'm ready for anything (probably not even close to it but oh well) with my head held high.
I graduate in a month.
Last Thursday, I got hired on the spot. It's temporary, 8 weeks, an internship just the same as last year in New York City (except instead of hip replacements, it'll be happy moms and their babies), but I'm hoping it'll lead me into something more permanent. On May 15th, I'll finally be able to call myself a nurse. I'll have a profession. Wowzas.
It's down to the wire, and I'm stressed. I put off things until the very end. But I'm here. I'm doing it, barely keeping sane but I'm doing it.
New York, here I come again.

Birthday Girl.

I'm officially 22.
Past the age of legality, hitting birthdays that really are insignificant to nothing other than me getting older. And wiser? Hopefully.
Well, I am graduating in a month and 10 days.
I remember my birthday party when I turned 5 years old. My, have things changed.
I guess I'm a woman now.
I'm [trying to get] big big girl jobs now. I'm trying to figure out where I want to live.
I'm growing up.
But I guess I have been doing that since the day I was born.
And I guess I'll be doing that for the rest of my life.



Lisa Loeb - "Stay"

Don't let your dreams be dreams...

So. Dreams are ways of recycling your thoughts. Things that have happened throughout your day, things you have thought about, things people remind you of.
You can't help your dreams, really. Right?
How can dreams feel so real sometimes?
They can make you laugh, cry, or wake up with an aching feeling for something that's not really real at all.

I wish I could control them sometimes.
I wish I could keep my mouth shut sometimes. Oh well.

Oh, I'm never speaking up again...
Starting now.