Inception-isms

It's the day after Christmas.

There's a blizzard outside.

I took a picture of Kevin in the middle of a busy street right outside of our apartment, the Queens Midtown Tunnel Exit.

Guess we had dreamt of a a White Christmas one day late.
It's still snowing. Blizzard of 2010 in New York, NY.

Inception-- If you haven't seen the movie, it's mind-blowing. I have seen it only once...Months ago when it was in theaters. But let's get to the point here. The soundtrack is amazing. I found an app on my iPhone- Inception, the app. It uses the soundtrack of the movie (Hans Zimmer), and shapes it to your life. It uses the microphone on your phone headphones and the GPS. It takes your location/time/sound/surroundings and makes them into your 'dream world'. I'll be brutally honest-- It feels like you are tripping on some kind of drug. But then you realize it's music that's making you feel that way...Just the mere sound around you; it heightens your senses. Every step you take, you feel it. It's just really fascinating to me. That's the meaning of music to me. The kind that you can relate to makes you feel the most. You don't just hear the music, you feel it.

That's my rant for today. I love music. Thanks, Mrs. Stewart (circa Kindergarten through 6th grade) for helping to make it such a big part of my life. Kudos to teachers and their impact that they have on children......It lasts forever.

Undecided.

After three days of working in a row, I figured I would update this masterpiece.

I'm sitting on the 'couch' with Kevin (aka his bed), having a stay in night...for now at least. I need it.

Work is..Work. I'm just not sure if I like it that much anymore now that I'm on the night shift. I find solace in getting food delivered at 2am to the hospital. Not healthy. On my days off, I get nothing done because all I want to do is sleep. For example, take today. I was supposed to drop off laundry. Yes, drop off to get it done because I'm too lazy to carry it 1 block and 2 avenues to a place to do it myself (but it's so expensive, ugh). I couldn't drag myself out of bed for that. It feels like depression, but worse because I actually want to be up doing things instead of sleeping until 6pm. But my body needs it.


Did you know that if you're lying sideways, watching TV, there is a part of your brain that adjusts your vision and "turns" your point of view? That's awesome. Watching Arrested Development right now.




/End previous rant. That was last week. This is today.

Today, I celebrated Christmas with my Grandma, Aunt and Chinese food. It was quaint, but it was my life. It wasn't the Christmas I wanted, but the Christmas I will remember as my 23rd Christmas on the face of this earth. We ate, got stuffed with more food, and then I was forced to take home more food. Italian Grandmas are the BEST (I say this as my stomach is hurting to the extreme).

On New Year's I will be in Utah. How does New Year's work in Utah? It doesn't even go in sync with the ball dropping in NYC. It will be a different experience for sure. My first New Year's experience in a different time zone...Not to mention with a boy in a different time zone. Yikes. New York is WORLD eastern time. End of story.
Guess I'll end this post with pictures from my last trip to Utah....It was loverly.

This is from my last trip to Utah. My eyes are demonic. But we made some cool gingerbread houses.

What a cute guy. What not-cute gingerbread houses. Just kidding :)

So not artistic...Me, that is. Yikes.

And, it's almost 4am. Goodnight, World.

Graveyard Shift.

I just finished my second night shift. I'm going back in in two hours to start all over again.

It was quieter, but not by much. By the end, I was drunk off of tiredness. My nurse manager came in at 8am and told me that I'm not supposed to be working nights until next week (even though I was on the schedule for nights, plain and clear). What a mix up, what a sad letdown to know that I could have had one more week of day shift glory. However, I am to continue on nights this week.

I'm going to Utah tomorrow night for the weekend. I can't wait. I'm pretty sure this is my fourth trip in three and a half months. I will be making a trip to see the Temple Square Christmas lights for the first time ever, so excited! I've heard it's beautiful.

I'm reading a new book, "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett. I have made it to page 65. It was on my list of "to-reads" but the library I go to never has the good books. I decided to look at the books on display, and much to my surprise a copy was available. Thanks, Kips Bay library. First time you have ever made me happy. What a dreary library it usually is. I found a quote in the book that I really like.
It reads "Cause that's what prayer do(es). It's like electricity, it keeps things going." I think I should remind myself that everyday. I don't pray nearly enough. Due to a recent tragic circumstance that happened in my home ward and then reading this the next day, it's reminding me that prayer is of importance and I tend to forget that. Both of these were reminders, one tragic and one uplifting. Needless to say, the family affected at home is in my prayers.

Anyway, off to work and the life of a grown up. Expect an update next week of Adventure #4 to Utah to see this one tall guy that I think I like a lot. A lot a lot.

Lucky.

I'm back in New York City.
I was pretty sad to leave home, and even sadder to be on a bus for 3 1/2 hours. But despite that, it gave me some time to just reflect. It sounds so lame, but I was watching the sun set (at 4:30pm, ugh) outside of the bus window, and I realized how happy I am. I am so lucky: Lucky to be alive, to have a great family, a wonderful significant other, to come from a great home town, and to hav a job. I think coming home this weekend rally humbled me and made me realize that I sometimes take things for granted. I really am a lucky girl. Spending time with my family members was amazing. They make me who I am.

On the bus, I was listening to Sufjan Stevens radio on Pandora. I swear, it was the soundtrack of my life.

I'm having a date night with myself tonight. Takeout (Indian food), movies, cuddling up in bed...Getting ready for my first night shift tomorrow night. Eek.

Anyway, that's all for now.

This is Home.

Current City: Horseheads, New York.

My Hometown.

A few days ago at work, I was thinking about how I will not be spending Christmas with my family. I then realized I have not visited home since August. This is the longest I have ever gone without making a trip home. It's been four months, and I guiltily didn't even think twice about it until a boring day at work. I hadn't seen my Mom in four months, my Dad in three months. Suddenly, I was so home sick. I wanted my Mom and Dad. I wanted familiarity and comfort. I think that's okay sometimes. When I'm old and grey, I know there will be days when I want my Mom and Dad. So, right on the spot, I decided to spend my 3 day weekend home. I looked up bus ticket prices (so expensive) and embarked on my journey.

I was like a happy little kid when I first saw my Mom pull up at the bus station. I thought I was going to cry, but thankfully didn't. I've missed her. We drove back to the house and as soon as I walked in, I smelled home. I have heard from someone/somewhere that scent can be the one sense that most often brings back memories. It does it for me. I saw my dogs and my cats, and immediately I felt good. Sitting with my mom just catching up and talking about adult things was surreal. She made me dinner, both one of our favorites, and we relaxed. Girls' Night with Mom is an invaluable time. You take advantage of it up until when you don't live at home anymore and realize how much you miss it. We got in our pajama pants and just spent time together. It felt really good to spend time with her. Doing nothing but chatting and relaxing with my Mom is one of my favorite things ever.

There's just something about waking up to a cat purring in your ear (creepy-sounding, but true). I used to think it was the grossest thing in the world that my mom had four cats and three dogs (it's narrowed down to three and two), but looking at my camera I obviously must enjoy it. All of my pictures so far are of my dogs and cats. I swear, they really do remember you. Much to my Mom's dismay, I decided to put ribbons on all of their necks. Sadly, I woke up this morning to see that most of them had clawed them off. Bummer.

This place, this home is one place I will always find comfort in.

(pictures to come)

Anyway...Tonight I'm hoping to decorate my Mom's tree with her. It'll be a blast I'm sure!!

I went to Jackson's for Thanksgiving in Utah. In short, it was great. His family made sweet potatoes so I had a little taste of home, and the food was delicious. I may have had seconds or thirds...

We always have such a fun time together. We are huge nerds and I love it; we are always laughing together. Sadly we didn't take any pictures. But, I will be there next weekend, and if pictures aren't taken at that time, I owe each of my blog readers a million dollars. That said, I WILL be taking pictures. I swear he exists. Where else do you think my big smile comes from?

BFFz

Five days until thanksgiving. Have I mentioned how anxious/excited I am for that day to come? Not just for the food...

I am SO thankful for true friends.

These past two years, I've grown up. A lot. My goal last year was to become less of a pushover. I think I'm still in the process of evolving into a self-sufficient, take-no-crap girl, but I have come such a long way since then. My standards have risen friend-wise, by a lot. I may be near-friendless, but at least I'm not the pushover friend anymore. This is an homage to my true friends. Ones that will be with me forever.

Nichole.

Remember when we were 17 and this picture was taken? Carly and Sam were visiting us, we were at my old house on Prospect Ridge on my old bed, in my old room that so many crazy memories with friends were made in. The night before, we had a hot tub party. We prank phone called people and made frozen margaritas. We drank them out of Senor Frogs' yard glasses, like many nights before that. Remember when we liked the same boys in middle school, which evolved into us liking 'best friends' so we could all hang out in highschool? But before that...Remember when we were Pokemon nerds, but boy crazy at the same time and made up ridiculous songs about them? I have so many amazing memories of us, starting from when I was an 8-year old girl wearing owl-like glasses and you were the new girl in school with the bowl cut. I have so many vivid memories of us. We've been friends for 15 years. Your mom always said we'd be friends forever. I think she was right. We don't talk to eachother everyday anymore, and we see eachother about 5 times a year or less, but how we grew up together and the memories we have will always keep us best friends in my heart.

Lauren.

I never thought I would meet someone so AWESOME at RS yoga night. We both knew nobody, and then we went to the Green Day concert the next morning. I'll always remember our Long Beach outings, Tourist Thursdays, and all the adventures we got ourselves into last summer. This past summer I was sad we didn't get to see eachother, and that's a big regret of mine. But, we both had our preoccupations-- Me studying for my boards, you and your first love. You will always be considered one of my best friends, and I can't wait for you to be in my wedding someday. You are such a great example, you are so smart and you are ALWAYS there for me. I hope you know that goes both ways. Rain or shine, middle of the night or middle of the day, we will always be there for eachother to laugh or cry with. It is a shame we have to live so far away from one another, but hopefully one day that will change. I absolutely love you!

Roni, Steph and Marissa.

I bunched all of you together because we all have so much fun together. It's never a dull moment with the four of us. I remember 2 years ago at Mike's house Steph, Roni and I reunited for the first time in years. We all wore Mike's Mom's bathing suits (oh jeeze) and jumped in the pond. It felt like no time had passed at all. Middle school/highschool with you guys was the absolute best. Parties at my house, canoeing and then sinking the boat in Steph's pond, and jumping off the dock in our underwear like losers...Those were the days.This past May-June, I loved every second with you girls. All of our outings turned into adventures, and the following mornings were hilarious. The Sand Dollar (the thug with dreadlocks....UGH what the heck), Denny's, waking up at Marissa's, my goodbye 'party'/bonfire and our recaps the following morning....I miss it all so much. I miss YOU all so much!!

Sam and Carly.

You guys are the best/craziest, most awesome girls I have ever met. We met in 2002 at ILC...8 years ago. I'm so glad we are still such good friends. Obviously ILC was one of the best times of our lives. You girls were a year younger than me, but taught me probably the most craziest things ever that any of us should have ever known at such a young age (hahah). Nichole and Jesse Gorney, taking deuces, our cabins, weirdo cabin-mates, New Found Glory... Simone, Autumn the stripper counselor...SUCH good times. And my times in Cheltenham? Priceless. I am friends with all of your friends, I'm the town's infamous guest, and the most troublesome. It's my own personal Cancun, my vacation getaway. I need to see you girls soon. COME visit me in NYC. I promise Kevin and I's apartment will be your new 'Cancun' getaway. I love you both...Ahhhh.

Shay.

(Shay is in the middle)

Shay, you're an honorable mention (but the most honorable of all)...Because our friendship was cut short due to me being lame/you moving to Utah. I sucked as a friend, because of school, because I was lazy, because of depressing events....But I swear if I ever move to Utah, I promise I will be a better friend. You are one of the like two faithful readers of my blog. The limited time we have spent together are memories I'll never forget. You were probably the only friend I'll ever remember from Pennsylvania. Both of us, stuck there, desperate for relief from the boredom. Making that soda, Wii parties at the house you were sitting, the photo shoot (one of the pictures seen above), Red Robin, and our fateful meeting at Institute (which I'm sure we both were dreading that night)...We had a few good times. I really cherished our time we spent together! You are absolutely a great girl of so much worth. I'm glad you are doing well...I hope it only gets better and better for you; You deserve it.

Kevin.

K-Dubs...I have loved you ever since the Kanye Concert in 2008, the faithful beginning of our friendship. I don't think we ever could picture then that we would be Living2Gethr.edu. As of now, we have 167 fans that follow our lives on East 38th Street in NYC, the city that never sleeps (or for us, that sleeps too much). What amazing lives we live. You are in our apartment right now playing Ke$ha, even though you know I hate her. You deal with my hormones, and I deal with your manic states once a month. You're the best. Thanks for letting your bed become our couch because we are ghetto and don't have one. BOOLAH boolah boolah! That's all I have to say. We'll discuss the extent of our friendship later. Bai.


You are all wonderful. I love you all so much.

Note: this is not including my family/significant others, etc., etc. But you are all special...And I am sure there will be plenty of blogs about you in the future.

Three days.

Three days off....What to do with myself? Obviously update my blog with random happenings.

Got my first paycheck yesterday.
Up Side: MONEY!!
Down Side: Taxes. More than half of my paycheck went to taxes. Thank you Obama and the government in general (in January, I'll thank you again since they're going up. Also, I know that it's not only Obama that makes the decisions....So does congress). Thank you New York City.

The apartment that Kevin and I live in is in shambles. Lead paint is peeling off of our walls. Good thing I don't have kids, or they would end up eating them and have neurological defects. Lead is in our tap water. NYCers, beware. This affects over 100,000 buildings in New York due to old plumbing (to prevent this, just let your tap water run for 30 seconds before drinking). The most sad though, is that I haven't had a real shower in over 3 days. Our drain doesn't work in the shower. I've used Draino, tried a plunger...Still, the tub is over half full with dirty, disgusting previous-shower water. Don't worry though, I took a Mexican shower yesterday--For those who don't know this drill, it involves washing my hair and necessary body parts via the sink water and some soap. Our apartment Superintendent, Duro, has yet to stop by. Kevin got locked out yesterday without a coat and Duro couldn't help because he doesn't have spare keys, the management does. Management is closed for the weekend. So what would happen if Kevin didn't have a roommate to save him? Thanks overpriced apartment management company that gives us nothing but problems. I'm sure many have this problem in NYC. If I were registered to vote in time for the November 2nd elections, I would have voted for "The Rent is 2 Damn High!" party.

Yesterday was by far my busiest day at work in the past 3 weeks. Talking to the other girl starting at the same time as me (Jessica, you are awesome), I knew I wasn't the only one that felt this way. I'm pretty sure both of us were near tears multiple times throughout the day, wondering how we will make it on our own without our preceptors. I am praying that the night shift will be less chaotic and that we will be blessed with helpful (and nice, not obnoxious) nurse aides and fellow RNs.

Today, I'm really thankful for having a job and getting my first paycheck. It felt like it was my first Christmas finally opening it. Even though I have complained above about how ridiculous this apartment management is, I am thankful for even having an apartment to live in.

P.S.....Obviously I got asked to move in with one of my patients. He was in his 80's, German, told me I was cute and lived near Columbia University. He promised free rent and meals if I took care of him every night. He told me, "No sex....Just love. Will you be my love?". Should I accept?

Do You Realize -- The Flaming Lips

Transition.

It's been 2 long weeks. But alas, I have decided to update on a much needed day off.
I'm 3 weeks deep into my job as a Registered Nurse.
I still get excited every time I write 'RN, BSN' after my name. It's amazing how much more patients trust you with the RN tag as opposed to the word "student" printed across it.
So far, my preceptor is great and very patient with me which I am very grateful for. I will be working with her for the next 5 weeks on the day shift. Some of the staff on the floor are just plain mean, but that's what working in a New York City hospital can be like.
I love my patients. Even though most of them are sick old people with very little independence left, I learn so much from each and every one of them. I get called 'cute' by at least one of my patients everyday. One dubbed me the 'Penn State girl'. I have gotten one marriage proposal from a 48 year old man (creepy).
(My workplace)

I do want to share a short story though. Last week, I took care of an old man who was very, very sick. He was basically lying on his death bed. He didn't respond to much except for pain, in which he would moan but that's about it. No one really tried to talk to him. One of the nurse assistants undressed him, left him completely exposed (which I'm not okay with) and left me to do the rest later that night. I got to spend a minute alone with him. I dressed him and tucked him into his sheets. I was telling him what I was doing step by step, and then I did something that I hadn't seen anyone else do that day. I decided to ask him something. I took his hand, looked him in the eye and said "Okay, would you like a blanket on you? Squeeze my hand if you do. If you don't, you don't have to do anything. Can you do that for me?" . I asked him twice, and then I heard him mumble. I was pretty startled, and I asked him to repeat what he had said. Hoarsely, he responded "I would like that." I wasn't even expecting him to squeeze my hand, let alone speak. It was a beautiful moment. Moments like this are why I decided to become a nurse. Now it's real. Maybe being on this floor is a blessing in disguise, even though it may be a little chaotic and not my first choice of a job.

These past few weeks have been quite a transition for me. I got my schedule for the next 2 months. It makes me cringe to think I will be scheduling my life around work. Unlike most of my fellow graduates who are not nurses, I will be working nights, weekends, and holidays. I'll sacrifice spending time with my family and exchanging it with taking care of sick people in the hospital. I know the first holiday I will spend in the hospital, it will upset me. But at least I know I will be making a difference in a stranger's life. Still, I would expect a future rant about this.


In other news, Jackson came to visit from October 29th to the 3rd. It was so nice spending time with him and I'm so thankful that he came a few days after I started work, even though I had to work the last 2 days he was here (including on his birthday...Boo). For his birthday, I took him to the Bronx Zoo. Cheesy sounding, I know....But it was so much fun! Here are two of the scant amount of pictures I took.

Amazing (but greasy) Mac and Cheese place, S'Mac on the Lower East Side. It was delicious. Nomnomnom.

Gorillas are so fascinating!! Jeeze louise...they are just like humans. This is exactly how I sleep, not kidding. Ha.


And, I'm going to Utah for Thanksgiving! Hooray!!

I'll try to be better at updating, but life is busy, FINALLY!

Since it's November, the time of thanksgiving and everyone is stating what they are thankful for, I am thankful for being alive. I'm thankful that I had great parents that supported me through college and allowed me to get the job that I now have. I'm grateful for my boyfriend and dear friends, even though they are few and far between.

I'm thankful that I have so much to smile about.

This is It.

A New Chapter in My Life: Today is my last day of jobless freedom.
My big girl job starts tomorrow. I am a full time employee, working night shifts. Holy toledo!! It's about time. That was far too long of a hiatus, but I'll admit that I'm a little scared and very nervous. But, I can't wait to get back to taking care of people and hopefully making a difference. Honestly, nothing is better than getting a hug from a patient when they leave the hospital. I love that.

2010 has been crazy. It started out really depressing. I had the worst senioritis a college student could have. My birthday was my motivation for change, and I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel: graduation. I graduated college, one of the best days of my life (see below), and moved to NYC in a whirlwind. Summer went by way too fast and I got to play with cute babies in their first days of life, I passed my boards and am now an RN, I spent time with my best friend, met a cute guy and had lots of fun, moved in with my other best friend, and here I am. I'm completely happy. I hope it only gets better from here.

That is all! Just a short update.

To be Alive.

I say this to people a lot. I write this plenty in my personal journal, which I plan to give to my grandchildren someday: I am in my physical prime. I have no wrinkles. I am probably in the best shape I will ever be. I can eat fast food, and for the most part, not gain weight.

Like most, I have this fear of getting old. I think the first time I start to see wrinkles appear on my face, I'll freak out. But someday, I'll be a Mom. Far, far from now I'll be a Grandmom. I'll look in the mirror, look at pictures of myself from now, and barely recognize the girl that I used t to be. But, it's so beautiful. We are ever evolving human beings.



I think it's hard to appreciate the beauty of aging. I remember seeing a woman in a nursing home. Looking at her, and then glancing at a framed picture of the girl that she was when she was my age. But the confidence this woman had sitting in the nursing home in her wheelchair, the love for her purple headbands and brushing her hair showed me that she still knew she had that beauty.



I saw an elderly woman on the subway the other day. First of all, I'll rant about how a lazy overweight young woman did not give up her seat for this old woman the entire 15-20 minutes we were on the train. But, I could not help but stare at this lady. She was probably in her 80's, and she was stunning. Under her wrinkles and imperfections, you could tell she used to be the most gorgeous woman. She was smiling the entire time. I saw a woman next to her; Presumably her daughter. Ah, it touched my heart.

Anyway, I hope I'm a cute old lady. After pondering this for a while and seeing all these wonderful older women, I think there is hope.

Family Portrait.

This was one of the happiest days of my life.
My graduation day: May 15, 2010.

I never really blogged about how grateful I was for my whole family to be able to come. Not just my mom, or just my dad, because of bitterness. They set it aside their differences, even if it was just for a little bit, and my family was reunited for a day. To this day, thinking about that wonderful, perfect day brings tears to my eyes.

No, this isn't wishful thinking. I know my family will never be the way it was. In fact, I never want to have to go through that pain again. I am just so thankful that after 7 years of a war that felt like it would never end, they are civil towards each other. I think it is one of the greatest things I could ever ask for.

These pictures I will forever cherish. I never imagined I would have a picture of my whole family together when I was 22. A family portrait of a family that was. We will always will be family, even if our Mom and Dad are separate.
My mom is so loved by my dad's side of the family. Unlike me, they wish and pray that my parents would get back together. Whenever they come visit my hometown, they visit my mom. It's wonderful.

Last night, my Mom's sister, whom my dad hadn't seen in over 15 years came into his house uninvited just to give him a hug and say hello. Despite him hurting her sister (my mom), he gave her three children and her last name, and my Mom's sister understands that he was family and always will be to us kids. I talked to my dad about it, thinking he would feel he was intruded upon. Instead, he said, "It was so nice to see her. I was really happy she came in...It was a surprise, but a good one."

This gives me hope. I used to dread the day I'd plan who I'd have to invite to my wedding, and the drama that would be attached to it. How a family war might break out. But now, I know. I think it will be wonderful, just like this day was. I'm so glad I can share these moments with both of my parents.

Thanks, Mom and Dad. You raised a beautiful family.

Coming together.

Well, it's better than coming undone, right?

I realize I haven't written an update on my life here in a while. I guess I was waiting for some conclusion to the endless chaos that had been taking place the last few weeks. After endless tears on the phone with people I didn't know, finally on Tuesday I get through to an adviser who issues me my license in a matter of one minute. Thank you, Jamie. You are the man. I start my job on October 25th, it is official.

But, what was the initial feeling I had once I know I have my license? Anxiety and fear. It's real. I'm taking this job, on a medicine floor which is not my first choice. What if I'm completely unhappy? I'm so nervous. But after a few phone calls to people that I love very much, I was reassured that everything is going to be okay. If it doesn't work out, well, I'll climb that mountain when/if I get there. Until then, I'm lucky I even have a job right now considering the economy.

The good news is, I passed my medication competency exam. Afterward, the nurse recruiter hands me a contract to sign saying I received the study guide. I hand it back to her unsigned.
Nurse Recruiter: Um, you have to sign this.
Me: I never received a study guide.
Nurse Recruiter: Are you serious?! We should have given you one when you accepted the job.
Me: Nope.
Nurse Recruiter: Well, good thing you passed!
Basically, I just winged the medication competency exam. Had no idea what was on it. Pretty much, I lucked out. CHYEAaaa.

Thanks, Jackson for coming October 28th. Can't wait to celebrate your birthday with you. Even though both of us will be pretty busy with work. But seriously, it was a nice surprise to get a phone call from someone so special telling me that he had just bought tickets to come to NYC for about 6 days. It will be lovely.

We are all a little bit beautiful.

I can say that I think I am a bright and beautiful individual.
I'm happy with the body I'm in and who I have become.
This is not meant to be a vain post.
This is a reflection of my physical self over the years.
Bear with me.

I was talking to a friend today over lunch about my awkward years.

I was wearing glasses in 2nd grade. Huge ones, pink and purple rims. I looked like an owl. I was the biggest nerd there ever was.
My hair was greasy no matter how much I showered from 4th until 7th grade. I had bangs until 7th grade. Greasy bangs.

I was always made fun of for being skinny. It didn't exactly help that my mom made me wear these leggings that made my tiny legs look like tree branches. Actually, my legs looked more like the twigs that have fallen off the tree branches. I used to come home crying after gym days because the boys would make fun of me for being skinny (and I couldn't run fast, good). My mom had the same problem when she was little. She told me to tell them, "I'd rather be skinny than fat!". Thanks, mom. It didn't help.

I was undeniably awkward. As evidenced by this photo.
(that is a Principal's Award. *takes a bow*)

I had a unibrow (at least I'm honest about it now).
I worried about every single pimple on my face in middle school and high school.
I wore white eye shadow and sparkly make up/roll on gel 6th-8th grade.
I didn't know my hair was naturally curly until I was in 8th grade. I was too busy blow drying it until it was a giant poof on my head. I wish I had pictorial proof on this computer to show you all. I didn't know what a hair straightener was.

Artificial beauty aside, I remember how insecure I was. All of the "popular" girls in school were so pretty to me. I looked at them and just remember wanting to be them. I wanted to spend a day in their bodies. I wanted their butts even though I had boobs, something which they didn't (big butts were the thing, and I was 85 pounds going into 9th grade...I considered buying padded underwear, no joke). They got all the cute guys, and I couldn't even muster up a word to say to them because I was too shy.

I remember a night in 8th grade when I invited guys and girls over to my house, and after the guys left, they told all my friends how ugly and different I was from them and how I shouldn't be popular. Oh, I cried so much. I wasted so many tears. I remembered thinking to myself, "I'll show them, someday I'll be a famous singer and they'll be wishing they were all my boyfriends." I didn't become a famous singer. But I did gain some confidence along the way.

I'm not shy anymore, I'm outgoing. I'm comfortable with myself. I'm secure. I look in the mirror and think that I'm pretty most of the time (I have my days, too).

I was thinking about this today looking at one of the girls on facebook that I used to stare at in awe in middle school. Turns out she's not as cool as I thought she was. She is still in Horseheads, works at a restaurant and doesn't go to school. The popular girls ended up not so popular after all.

I was worried about nothing. If I could tell my 7th grade self something, I would tell her that she's beautiful. That the waiting will be worth it. That those girls and those guys that put you down, they will mean nothing in the end. That sometimes imperfections are what make us who we are. And that a little awkwardness makes for great memories, pictures, and a lot of laughs at a childhood I look back on fondly.



On a final note, please watch this video. Girls especially. This is so empowering. We all are unique. We all are beautiful. Don't change who you are.

Very Superstitious....Writing's on the Wall

I'll give you a million dollars if you know who sings the song referenced in my title. Way easy. And by a million dollars, well, that's code word for a hug. Virtual hug because I'm too lazy to get up and out of my apartment to give you one. Unless you want to come visit.

The topic today is superstition.

A certain thing hasn't been working out for me for the past two months (ahem, getting my nursing license from the state of New York). Everything that could go wrong, has. I've had to turn down a job that started at the end of September, and with my job fastly approaching in 19 days, I am anxiously awaiting and calling the board of nursing every single day. Yesterday I cried on the phone to them. They made me resend an application all over again. Let me reiterate, my job starts in 19 days. Let me restate: Everything is going wrong.

I've been looking at my predicament and thinking, "Maybe this is meant to be. Maybe this is happening for a reason. Maybe I'm not supposed to be here." I've been called superstitious. But these chains of events are freaking me out. What does this all MEAN?!!? Probably that I'm going crazy.

I've been toying with the idea of going back to school possibly. Seriously, Amy? Like, you told yourself you would never, ever go back to school. Well, the real world disease kicked in and the only cure for it is more education. I did some casual research yesterday and turns out, I have to take my GRE's. Good thing I have no idea what the GRE exam entails. As I'm walking out of my apartment this morning, there was a box of free stuff left by another tenant. On the top of the pile of stuff was a large book: "Taking Your GRE's" (a $40 value, I may add). I picked it up, never one to turn down a bargain, and then realized what a coincidence this was. Wasn't I just thinking about going back to school? Scary.

I've also been thinking, what if I don't get this job? I'll have no money, I'll be homeless. I may not be able to afford this apartment, and the next job orientation would be for the end of November. I wake up this morning to a message from my cousin telling me she's looking for a place to live in the winter. Another weird.


My dad told me, I'll know when it's right. To not take a job unless I'm absolutely happy with it. What is this telling me? I need to seriously pray.

Tick Tock.

2 days until I am back in Utah for a 5 day weekend. Excited.

Updates....

This past weekend, my dad came into town to drop off my grandma a new car. You should have seen her face when she saw it. She was in shock and oh so excited. She expected something similar to her 1988 Toyota Camry that she recently sold for $100 (but we loved that car, so much)....This car was a 2009 Aveo. Light blue, gorgeous. I was so happy for her. We had a family dinner and surprisingly, my Uncle and his family were there, as well as my Aunt whom I haven't seen in over 2 years (long story). My little cousin was there, too. He is 5. Oh, Christopher, how I love you. We played a lot. I absolutely love playing with little kids and watching them grow. I can't wait until I either a) have some of my own to play with and b) work with lots of them at a hospital/clinic, whichever comes first.

(it took about 15 minutes of chasing him down for this picture...He said "Can you please send this to Matthew?" (my brother)")

Seeing my family is something I really look forward to and love, especially since I live away from home permanently now. My dad dropped off some of my clothes for fall. I love fall weather. It's starting to cool down here as of yesterday, but it's raining now. I ran a lot of errands today in the rain. It feels good to be productive and get things done.

My family recently switched to AT&T due to Verizon Wireless customer service being unprofessional, unfriendly and ridiculous. So far, my experience with AT&T representatives has been nothing but positive. They are so nice and helpful. It's been great. I now have an iPhone that I'm obsessed with. I'm a complete nerd with it; I've downloaded 3 applications for nursing to help me with my job: an RN help guide, IV drip rate calculation, and a medcalc app. Lovely.

I've found something to occupy my time until October 25th. I am going to be volunteering for Room to Grow, an organization that collects clothing/toys for children ages 0-3 living in poverty. Sadly, I will only be sorting clothes and toys, indirectly helping these children. I'm pretty sure the woman over the phone thought I was a tiny bit overqualified. I am excited to help, though.

I can't wait to start nursing again. I feel like such a nerd saying that. I just love talking to the patients and helping them get better. I'm sure I'll be complaining about my busy schedule later on, but right now the compassionate side of me is kicking in. I think I realized how much I missed nursing when I went to the nursing home with Jackson. Talking to Norma and helping her get into bed was one of the highlights of my week (and I'm happy it was with you, Jackson ;) ha). Even if it was something so simple like that. This sounds so ridiculous, but seeing a med cart and nurses with stethoscopes, ah I just wanted to be there and help out with them. I'm so grateful to have passed my boards on my first try and to be a registered nurse. And especially to have my Bachelor's. I'm not trying to brag, it just feels great and it's such an accomplishment for me. A huge goal in my life is complete.

Sufjan Stevens - Jacksonville

Cabin Fever.

I'm about to turn into Jack Nicholson from The Shining.

That is all.

Rage, Part 2.

If you don't want to read about my woes with the New York State Board of Nursing, please feel free to skip.

Ed and I at the NYS Board of Nursing, Office of Professions had gotten to be good friends. He sounds like he's about ready to retire, and is very blunt about the disorganization of the Board of Nursing. We've talked about three times on the phone. He checks things for me, only to tell me that my license has not been approved yet and does not know why. What he neglected to tell me was that he was not the man I should be talking to. Until today. He gave me the right extension number, and off I went, never to talk to Ed again.

Extension 280....I call. A woman answers the phone who is kind (I'll give her that). I tell her I sent in my application on August 3rd, had been calling, called the Pennsylvania Board of Nursing, everyone did their part, so everything should be in.
Her response: "Oh. The reason we didn't approve your application was because page 4 of Form 1 wasn't notarized. Re-apply. We're 6 to 8 weeks behind in opening mail, so make sure you call us every few days so that we can look for it in the mail."

You know what I'm not cool with? The fact that they received and opened this piece of mail on August 6th, 2010. They realized the mistake, that I'm sure others had made before me. It is now September 23, 2010. A month and a half later. I wasn't notified that my application wasn't approved. Did they just assume I'd know? Let me clarify that there were about FIVE applications that I had to fill out. So it was a total guessing game as to which one was prolonging the approval. Was it the Child Abuse Check? The Penn State Education Verification? The Pennsylvania License Verification? The two applications to apply for licensure in NY State?
I'm glad I know the phone number to the NYS Board of Nursing by heart now, along with the zip code of the office. Just some more useless knowledge.

Cross your fingers that I have my license by the middle of October, or else I'm homeless.

Okay, ending rant.

Rage.

Maybe my hormones are out of control today, I'm not sure what..But a couple things have been pissing me off.

First of all:
I'm waiting in line to refill my subway card. There were 2 women having quite a bit of trouble using the machine ; they were international and obviously have never used a metro card booth before. I'm patient for these people; I know what it's like to have used it for the first time, I've been a tourist too. The man in back of me, however did not like this. He stood there, a man in his early 30's, his iPod buds in his ears, reeking of alcohol, in businessmen attire and started yelling at these women. Swearing like I've never heard someone swear before. I got scared, but most of all I got angry. It took me so much energy to hold my tongue. My heart was racing. A few girls started yelling back at him for disrespecting these young women who were European and couldn't speak up for themselves completely. He yelled back that he paid his taxes and deserved to be first in line, in front of these women. "Welcome to America," he yelled to them in the angriest voice I've heard in a long time.
What a great example of an American citizen to these European women.
You don't yell at a woman, especially in that tone of voice. Golden rule. He was being so mean and unkind. I'm kind of glad that these women probably didn't understand many of the words he was saying, but I did and I felt the brunt of it. What if they had yelled back? It scared me to think about what he'd do next, he was so angry. My heart was pounding for probably 15 minutes after this event. I had to pace around in order not to push this man onto the subway tracks.

Second:
We had a regional YSA sacrament meeting involving members from all over the Tri-State area. Two men spoke, I came in late (oops) and caught the last 3/4 of the first talk. This guy was speaking straight doctrine. For a convert like me, it's a little bit hard to pay attention/relate to this. The second speaker was a high-esteemed man, he maybe name dropped and talked about this a little too much, but his stories were really touching to me. Rather than straight doctrine, he related it to his life. I can respect that. What I can't respect are these young adults that were in this meeting who wrote in their facebook statuses (of all places) about this man's talk and how he was "arrogant", "self-centered", "outrageous", "nauseating", etc. If this man was all of these, I don't think he'd give the time of day to devote a talk to young single adults. Have some respect.


That is all. Headache.

6 years.

Ode to LOST

"On September 22, 2004, at 2:15 pm local time, Oceanic Flight 815 left from gate 23, and took off from Sydney, Australia, scheduled to arrive in Los Angeles at 10:42."

I love you, Carlton Cuse & Damon Lindelof (the writers of Lost, come on now). You made my last two years of school bearable. A corner of my living room junior year of college was deemed "Amy's LOST corner" due to me sitting there all day/night watching Jack, Kate, Sayid, Charlie, Hugo, Desmond, Locke, Juliet and Co. try to survive on this crazy island that you created.

You made my lifetime dream evolve into an unrealistic one of crashing in a plane and living on a mysterious island.

Every time I book a flight, I check to see if the flight number is 815. Not only that, but every time I’m boarding a plane, I closely survey the other passengers and try to figure out which character they would be. This leads to awkward staring…But I want to know who to form an alliance with and who I should leave to fend for themselves.

Happy 6th Anniversary, LOST.

Love, Amy

(I would be Kate if I were on the show)

Not having a life.

I'm stuck.
No license, still.
I don't really know what to do.
I sit home all day.
I don't really have a lot of friends here (who am I kidding, I have one).
I'm not complaining, but I figured I'd let you know what I'm doing with my life as an unemployed, college graduate. Via a list.

1. I'm reading a lot. "The Private Lives of Pippa Lee" is sitting next to me right now. I'm almost done with the Hunger Games series. I visit the library at least once a week.

2. I cleaned my apartment. I haven't decided yet whether it's out of pure boredom or simply because this is MY apartment now and I want it to look nice. I'm hoping it's the latter. I also made my bed for the first time (in years) yesterday. I should have taken a picture on this glorious, rare occasion.

3. I'm walking a lot. I figure that will save on subway costs. I walked from church (66th and Columbus Ave) all the way to home (38th and 3rd Ave). A 45 minute walk, almost 3 miles. It was nice to talk to my Mom on the phone. She's crazy but I love her.

4. Talking to my Grandma. This takes up a lot of time. Usually it takes about 45 minutes to an hour. Grandma is lonely like me, apparently. She loves to talk. I need to go visit her soon. I have no excuse not to, considering it's only a 35-40 minute train ride. Maybe I'll bring her some food.

5. Doing nonsense things with Kevin. That is all I have to say about that.

6. Netflix just arrived. Hello, Summer Heights High Season one and "Youth in Revolt"...Honestly, I have no interest in seeing the movie, but I read the book so I feel it's necessary. Book nerd = me.

7. Avoiding grocery shopping. Success.

8. Finishing up Season 2 of Dexter, only to realize that Season 3 is no longer available for Instant Play on Netflix.com. Which means, I will be quickly finishing these DVDs that I currently have.

9. Checking my mailbox. Yes, it's one of my pleasures of the day.

10. Sleeping/laying in bed. I guess buying my first mattress as a grown-up was a good investment, I'm definitely making the most of it.

I'll add to the list if I remember what else I'm doing. But, this list is basically what my life revolves around at the time. Pretty sad.

Penny Saver

Today, I made a piggy bank. This is the first piggy bank I've had in over 10 years. Sadly, it's a gatorade bottle and not a pink porcelain pig, but what's the point of purchasing a bank when you're diligently trying to save money? So far, I have about $5. It's a start.

I have a lot of cash, thanks to a cute guy paying me back for half of a plane ticket. I have more than I know what to do with; I usually never have cash on me. So, what I've done: I put the cash in my underwear drawer, and will only take $20-40 out with me at a time. I've also put my debit card in hiding (okay, it's in the underwear drawer as well). Please don't use this knowledge to your advantage, break in and raid my underwear drawer. Precious things lie in there.

I'm pretty good at saving money. I guess not the best, but better than your average girl who loves to shop. I'm all about sales/clearances. I miss WalMart and all of their rollback prices. I've always wanted a Smart Car because they're cheap and would save on gas, but when my dad told me if I ever got into an accident I'd "lose" (his word), I reconsidered.

A random convenience (I realized today): My only excuse to not go to the gym is because I have no money. Good excuse, Amy.

I loathe the grocery store on the corner, D'Agostinos for marking up 2 hot pockets for $4.00. Hello D'Ag, I can get them for $2.00 at home. This is one thing I do not like about the City. Sometimes I feel like eating out is about the same price as shopping at these ridiculous grocery stores.

Kevin and I have no pots and pans. We also don't have a couch, but I'll save that for another post. This forces us to eat out a lot. Not good for my wallet or my love handles. However, investing in pots and pans is useless when we have some at home waiting to be sent here via one of our parents. So, I've decided to eat less and savor my food by rationing leftovers.

Anyway, this is my written vow that I will try to save my money as best possible. I will put every spare coin that I get into this jug, I will search the streets for pennies, and I will be a millionaire. (K, just kidding about the last part..I wish). I will only go shopping for clothes if the urge is absolutely undeniable (jk, I'll try not to go).....That is all.

UPDATE:
So, I'm on my way back from 86th street and need to refill my MetroCard. There are four machines: All of which are flashing, "NO BILLS". Good. I decided to be a penny saving-savvy girl and keep my debit card at home, and this is what happens. Lesson learned...Guess I will have to bring that sucker everywhere, and only use it just in case.

Smiles.

Early yesterday morning, I got back from a lovely trip in Utah.
I'll start out by saying that I feel like the luckiest girl in the world right now. I am loving life.

Some highlights of the trip:

On Friday, Jackson and I went camping in a way I never have before. We hiked about an hour up a mountain to find a good camping spot. I thought we were going to die from carrying heavy packs (interestingly enough, this wasn't the only time one of us thought we were going to die-- I'll get to that in a second). It was a night of firsts....First time setting up a tent, climbing a mountain, playing a clean game of Never Have I Ever and roasting starbursts. Jackson was pretty sure a bear was about to attack multiple times throughout the night thanks to us being paranoid, but thankfully we left unharmed.

Starting our journey....
Our campsite!
Sitting in front of our lovely fire.
On Monday, we went long boarding. It was my first time and I absolutely loved it. From now on, it will be my "skiing" fix for the summer/fall season. The breeze, cruising through nature..It was awesome. And I did pretty good, minus my dismount at the end. I crashed the long board into a fence (sorry Robby).

On Thursday we went to volunteer at a nursing home (Jackson's idea, best idea ever). We spent some time with a 90 year old woman named Norma. She was a fun lady to hang out with, and had some great words of wisdom, although some of it didn't make the most of sense. She touched my heart, kind of like every patient that I have the pleasure of spending time with. We asked Norma where she was from and she said, "Heaven. I'm going back there soon!". There was a picture of her and her husband in her room from when she was a young adult. She was beautiful. It made me want to live in the 50's.

I won't bore you with every single detail of the trip, but I had so much fun. In fact, it was so much fun that I'm going back in 2 weeks.

A couple more pictures:

I don't know how or why, but we had so much fun with these broken sunglasses.

My last night in Utah--


And.....Most awesome face award goes to:


So, to my faithful 3 blog readers (plus one new stalker, hint: he's in the pictures above), that's my update on life. Still jobless, at least until October 25th. But, completely happy.

queer eye for the straight girl

I have church in 7 hours.

However, there are 4 homosexuals in my living room that is empty. Everything is echoing.

I've been using this time as an opportunity to learn about what gay men talk about when they have "guy's nights".

So far their conversations have consisted of the following topics:
Tank tops.
The Spice Girls.
Christina Aguilera.
Rapping Nicki Minaj.
Dancing.
Tranny poses.
Diner food.
Shaving and trimming chest hair.
Nair debates.
Astrological signs and its' role in dating.

I guess I'm learning a lot.

Shine On.

Unclose your mind.
You are not a prisoner. You are a bird in flight,
Searching the skies for dreams.
-H.M.

I just found this quote randomly on a website that I go to on occasion. It was at the top of the page. It really spoke to me. Last night I wrote in my journal that I felt as if I were a 'prisoner', that exact word. Ha. I think God speaks to you in the most interesting ways, or maybe it's a coincidence....Either way it's what I needed to hear.

I'm also really thankful that I have such wonderful friends and family that send optimism and love my way. Late night phone conversations, lovely cards of encouragement, pillow talk, heart2heartz, and just catching up with a friend that is missed (Shay!) goes such a long way. All of you are invaluable. So thanks so much.

F.

I don't know if I belong here.

I'm having a bad day.

I got my keys to the apartment (forced to pay to make duplicates...isn't that their job), and was going to surprise Kevin with some decorations (Lady Gaga pictures, don't judge). I went in, and alas, there were 4 mattresses in my room. There was food in the fridge. Framed posters of bra and underwear-clad girls in the living room (too bad Kevin and I both like men). An air mattress, a microwave, a computer, trash. Please note that this apartment was supposed to be cleaned and repainted upon our arrival September 1st, tomorrow.

I lugged all of my stuff tons of stuff on the subway, and walked tons of blocks just to get to this place. I was so excited to get some of my things in there. I left them in a closet with a note saying, "Amy's Stuff...I'm moving in tomorrow, I swear I didn't break into your apartment, I have keys, please don't throw away!" Good job Amy.

Oh, did I mention it was 95 degrees today?

I feel like crying.

Last night, I went to a YSA event. It mostly consisted of me standing in a corner, eating two hot dogs and a burger all by myself. Yesterday, I found out that one girl from church defriended me from facebook. Today, I found out yet another did. Three other girls have in the past. Honestly, it just makes me sad. A lot of girls around here are clique-y. That is NOT me... I hate it. Since Lauren has left, I have no girl friends to my name in NYC.

I had to decline my first job offer because my RN License STILL hasn't transferred from Pennsylvania to New York. I called the NY Board of Nursing, they said "Sorry, we're 6 weeks behind in opening mail. Call back soon." Thank you, New York Board of Nursing. You ROCK.

More later.

Old Lady.

I bought my first mattress today.

And, I declined my first full-time job offer (long story).

I'm getting ready to move into an apartment with my best friend, just upon realizing that we have no furniture (but I have a mattress!!) and we're doing it completely on our own.

What an "I feel like a grown-up" day.

Hitting the real world, hard.

YeSSSSSSssss.

pretty odd.

I enjoy this picture.

And. I look so little.

4 years ago.

This is my second post of the day. Bear with me, someone's lonely, and it sure is me.

Four years ago, I met my freshman roommate whom I haven't talked to since December 2006 for reasons that will not be mentioned. We loved eachother at first sight. We met another girl a few doors down named Lynn and we instantly became "best friends". We felt cool because we got invited to a frat party and a lacrosse party the first two nights. We all went, three 18 year old girls who didn't know what the next 4 years would have in store for us.

Farewell, freshmen year. August of 2006.

I attended my first semester at Penn State and aced all of my classes. I'm pretty sure it was the only semester that I read all of my books. Thankfully, because I got into nursing school February 2007 based solely upon my first semester's GPA.
I lived in Ritner Hall, 703. An all girls dorm in Pollock. I was one out of 11,000 freshmen.

It's hard to believe that 4 years ago, I was in my first year of college. Fresh out of high school, still a teenager. Young, naive. Having fun. Not even thinking about where I'd be now.
To be honest, I always thought I'd find the man of my dreams in college.

Unrealistically (looking back now), I figured I'd be ready to be married at the age of 22, and settle down wherever my "future husband" would be going to. I couldn't have been more wrong with my assumptions. It honestly never even crossed my mind that I'd be in New York City. Single (Okay, not married I mean).

Wow. 4 years ago. Bittersweet. The reminiscing started when my still-undergrad friends posted about "syllabus week". It hit me, I'm not there. I'm not taking classes. I was finishing my last class/clinical ever 3 months ago. I've come so far. Not giving up, yet :)


P.S. Do I look any older now as compared to this picture? Be honest.

Boyfriend, Part 2.

Due to multiple requests:

Meet J.
(*See the disclaimer at bottom as to why I'm calling him that)

(A side view is more mysterious, right?)

We've been "dating" for a month and a half.
He's 6'4 and from Utah....He just moved back for a month indefinitely.
I'm way happy when I'm with him.

*Disclaimer: And that's all I'm going to tell you for now....Because last summer, I got my heart broken by a guy I met here. I don't want to jynx myself. I don't want to be vulnerable. Let's just say this guy is someone I want to keep around.

Boyfriend.

So I have a boyfriend now.
Weird/crazy/I like it.

He's cute.

The end.


City Love- John Mayer.

oh, Mathilda Savitch.

I loved this book by Victor Lodato (his first). So poetic and beautiful.

Mathilda is such a cute character, in her earliest of teens. So innocent, so clever. So many feelings. So much to think about. I don't think I'll ever forget Mathilda. She's captured my heart.

Just a quick synopsis (without giving away any spoilers): Mathilda's older sister died a year ago in a freak accident, leaving Mathilda the only child left in a family grief-stricken. All Mathilda wants is to find a way to "shock" her parents back to life. She wants attention. But most of all, she needs to find answers to help heal her own heart.

Naturally, I have bookmarked some of my favorite quotes from the novel. Read. Enjoy. Then read the book.

"...the weather made me feel like I was in my own private world... The sun was so far away it was practically sending a letter."

"Who knows what's under a house. The house you live in is only a recent development in the history of the world. Before it was a house it could have been a jungle or a desert. A million years ago it might have been the middle of the ocean. You don't know. You only know the here and now. The rest you have to imagine."

"How do things happen? How does your life happen? Most of the time it goes too slow, and sometimes it even goes backwards. But then one day you get shot into the future and then there you are, stuck in the middle of it. It should be like water, the future, but it's actually like mud. You sort of just sink into it."

"...Except Louis is blind from love. When you're in love, you're not too surprised when you lose everything. You're always sort of expecting it."

"A person's heart is a disgusting thing. You almost can't look at it."

"...[He] told me I shouldn't think about things like this. I shouldn't think about the very end or the death of my mother and father eor not having enough air to breathe. Dark thoughts, he called them. But he wouldn't know a dark thought if it bit him on the butt....It's a different time now...I've seen a lot of things. All of us have...We're different. We're not you.But watch me, okay? That's all I'm asking. Please watch me.
Because nobody knows what's coming.....The future is the biggest secret of all, and really, what's the rush?..."

Real World.

No, not the TV show. Although I auditioned for that, met with the casting directors and never got a call back.

This is real life.

I am a grown up. I am a Registered Nurse. I've graduated, passed the dreaded boards (I was blessed with all 265 questions...Sarcasm). I have a license, so that means if I were to kill someone, I'd be legally liable. Craziness.

I've decided I love Labor and Delivery. It's funny. One time at a random church dance, a man came up to me and asked what my profession was going to be. I said I was in nursing, and this man goes "I just know it, you'll be an L & D nurse. Mark my words." I told him no way. I had no interest. Now, I almost cry everytime I see a woman deliver a child. I have even considered doing it naturally, even though I had sworn I will only do a c-section. Planned. But it's so beautiful. So, so beautiful.

Anyway, more updates later. Life is good.

reflect.

Sitting in my far too big room in my far too big apartment,
Next to my air conditioner. Freezing.
Watching through my window a person/persons watching Family Guy on their big screen.
Since I can't hear from this far away, John Mayer's "Room for Squares" is playing on my iTunes (talk about a throwback).

I'm trying to relax. Trying is the key word.

I've been asking for prayers from everyone. No matter what God they pray to (the more Gods, the more ground I cover), or if they're atheist or non-spiritual. I hope I have God on my side tomorrow.

It's been a little while...

It's been a month to be exact....Well, not exactly, but almost a month.

I've been happy.

I went to the lake with my second family. I've been with my best friends (thanks Marissa, Roni and Steph, love you), and I've made memories with them that I never will forget.
Kevin moved to the big City before me, and I missed him.

I went to California to enjoy some sun, but it was overcast. I still spent most of it at the beach. And just relaxing, and catching up with old friends...That aren't so old, but I just love them.
A day passed...A good day with a special someone. Then I was off again to the Bahamas, Paradise Island, the Atlantis. Although drinking the water wasn't the best of ideas and I was sick for most of the trip, I soaked in those rays and the beauty of the tropics. And family...Ali, even though we sometimes don't get along, you're always my wing (wo)man. I wish we could have found Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian. Oh well.

Well...Three days passed. Three beautiful days of friends. A going away party that turned into a bon fire in my backyard and hilarious stories to tell in the morning...In my bed. Pillow talk with Roni and Marissa is the best the morning after. We laugh. It's the best way to start my day.
I put off packing...But Saturday, I was off. Off to the world of grownup-hood. I think I realized it when my friends said "moving away party". This move is indefinite. I could be here for a long, long time. But so far, I'm happy. Happy to be reunited with friends (even though it's only been 2 weeks, Kevin withdrawals had set in) and a friend that's been in Utah for the majority of the year.

Right now, I'm going to bed early because I start my orientation tomorrow for work/my internship (cross your fingers I pass my boards so I can get a permanent job). I feel like a kid going to my first day of school. Except, it's a grown up job....And I've been to this orientation before. But still. I have my clothes laid out and book bag packed.

Graduation was the end of a wonderful life thus far. The new chapter of my life starts now.

Hello again, New York.

Dear Long Hair,

I'm sorry I cut you off on my birthday.
I thought it was a good idea at the time,
Your ends were dying and I had no other choice.
I thought it would bring a sense of celebration to my otherwise mundane, annual day of birth.
However, I miss you.
Sorry that the stupid hair lady cut you a little too short.
See you in a couple of months I hope. Come back soon, please.

Sincerely,
Me

euphoric.

Today, I walked out from my last final of my undergraduate career.
As I walked, I waved my arms in the air clumsily, clicked my heels, almost started crying, and had a 5-year old-esque smile on my face that has yet to go away.
It reminded me of when I was walking out of elementary school, ten years ago. I could not stop smiling. I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. That's exactly how it felt. I felt like a giddy little kid.

So, here's to 4 long years (but it went by so fast) of

millions of memories. tears. laughter. parties. studying in the Hub with Emily. Chik-Fil-A. Hershey Med. 306.Intervention. regrets and mistakes. accomplishments. exams. ATI nonsense. Thon. dorm life. skipping class a lot. Taco Bell. sheetz (never thought i'd love a gas stations os much). countless clinicals at 6am and lack of sleep. countless naps to make up for the lack of sleep. old people, babies, moms, sick people, IVs, med calc, dreading taking a blood pressure, nightmares about med-surg, psych wards, having no idea what i was doing,

patients i fell in love with and will never ever forget.

love. heartbreak. a rollercoaster. stress.

But, it sure was one heck of a good time.


It's been real, Penn State.
PEACE OUT.

i want to save you.

standing on the edge of morning
scent of sex and new found glory
playing as she's pulling back her hair
she drives away
she's feeling worthless
used again but nothing's different
she stayed the night
but knows he doesn't care

home by three
deafening quiet
the porch light's off
yes they forgot it
she'd cry herself to sleep
but she don't dare
then she wants to be a model
she wants to hear she's beautiful
she's beautiful

i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you

dressed by dawn and out the door
no light
she memorized the floor
so she could leave without being detected
she works till three
it's uniform
she dreams that he'll come by the store
she prays for days
the boys mean she's protected
and she wants someone to see her
she needs to hear she's beautiful
she's beautiful

i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you

and she won't sleep
and she won't sleep
at all

i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you
(let me save you)

Is it weird....

That I still sleep with my teddy bear?
I'm 22 years old.
My teddy bear was mine before I was born. He was a baby shower present from my grandma's best friend (whom I recently confessed to that I still sleep with him every night...She laughed. I don't think she believed me).
When I was little, he was my 'security blanket'. I took him everywhere, absolutely everywhere.

In fact, you can't see it in the back...But I was probably about 4-5 years old when this picture was taken...At Niagra Falls. He was a part of the family photos...Cropped out is my little sister and dad. I have this photo because one day when I was about 8, I thought Teddy was kidnapped. I put this photo up on my door with a sign declaring him missing, to see if he'd come home. Well, he was under my bed and I found him later that day...But still. I loved him so much. I still love him.

I'm not crazy....I don't take him to sleepovers, and I can sleep when he's not around. But when I'm alone in my bed in the comfort of my own home/apartment, there's nothing more comfortable than my teddy bear.




Places he has been with me: Canada, Jamaica, California, Mexico, Aruba, all of Italy, North Carolina, South Carolina, Florida, Georgia, Maryland, Cayman Islands, etc. My teddy is probably more well-traveled than a lot of people.

Anyway...This is something that is maybe taboo, but is near and dear to my heart. I know someday, when I'm married I will most definitely not be sleeping with a teddy bear...But for now, he's all I have. I love him a lot.

nowhere to go but up.

This is going to be how I will feel on May 15th. Floating off into the infinite abyss, unsure of what's going to be there, feeling like I'm ready for anything (probably not even close to it but oh well) with my head held high.
I graduate in a month.
Last Thursday, I got hired on the spot. It's temporary, 8 weeks, an internship just the same as last year in New York City (except instead of hip replacements, it'll be happy moms and their babies), but I'm hoping it'll lead me into something more permanent. On May 15th, I'll finally be able to call myself a nurse. I'll have a profession. Wowzas.
It's down to the wire, and I'm stressed. I put off things until the very end. But I'm here. I'm doing it, barely keeping sane but I'm doing it.
New York, here I come again.

Birthday Girl.

I'm officially 22.
Past the age of legality, hitting birthdays that really are insignificant to nothing other than me getting older. And wiser? Hopefully.
Well, I am graduating in a month and 10 days.
I remember my birthday party when I turned 5 years old. My, have things changed.
I guess I'm a woman now.
I'm [trying to get] big big girl jobs now. I'm trying to figure out where I want to live.
I'm growing up.
But I guess I have been doing that since the day I was born.
And I guess I'll be doing that for the rest of my life.



Lisa Loeb - "Stay"

Don't let your dreams be dreams...

So. Dreams are ways of recycling your thoughts. Things that have happened throughout your day, things you have thought about, things people remind you of.
You can't help your dreams, really. Right?
How can dreams feel so real sometimes?
They can make you laugh, cry, or wake up with an aching feeling for something that's not really real at all.

I wish I could control them sometimes.
I wish I could keep my mouth shut sometimes. Oh well.

Oh, I'm never speaking up again...
Starting now.

Tiny Update.

As a lot of people may know, Amy has been busy lately.
See post below....Know that Kevin W. Elliott is my best friend in the whole wide world. I can tell him everything (things 100% of people would NEVER want to know) and he thinks it's beautiful.
I took a 6 day hiatus off of school because I wanted to spend time with him. I gained an extra family, and albeit tragic circumstances, enjoyed time with people whom I now love and respect very much. I learned that the Marine Corps. is a respectable group and can be a second family to those who lose their loved ones. I think all of us had a lot of fun reminiscing and celebrating the life of Tommy. I learned that it's okay. It's okay to celebrate in the face of loss. It's okay to make new friends and to have a great yet very sad weekend in honor of a loved one.

I also lost my dog Buster. He was 18 years old. I picked him out when I was 4. I watched him go...I watched him being injected with some pink stuff that took away his suffering and pain. I held his head and pet him while he was dying. I really will miss him. He's been in my life for so long; Longer than my brother has (not to say my brother doesn't hold the utmost importance in my life, but still).

Anyway, that's a sad tiny update on me. I'm thankful for my best friends in the whole world, and I'm thankful for my family. One thing I ask is that you all pray I get through the last month of this semester. I'm really doubting myself at this point.

Love you all...... www.amymarissa.tumblr.com

may angels lead you in...

"Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think."

I'm sure it's beautiful up there, Tom. To the Elliott family, especially Kevin who honestly is my best friend, I love you guys and will always be "just up the hill" for you.

Want more updates on me? I'm sure maybe the one reader I have does. go to www.amymarissa.tumblr.com

lovesongs.

You know you have a "too nice" problem when a love song comes on, and you think about someone else's situation. I want to text them to tell them they're not alone, and John Mayer feels the same way, but I can't because that would be a little too weird.
Maybe it's actually a problem called "Amy doesn't have a life, or love life".

Other times, I cry for people. If I know they're numb and can't cry for themselves, I cry for them. I don't tell them though, because that would also be weird.

your heart is an empty room.

I used to realllly love Death Cab for Cutie. I just recently found this song. It's gorgeous.

wanderers...

over the past few days, i've gotten a lot of hits from a lot of different places.
what brought you here? i'm so happy to have you all...even if it was by accident.

one thing ....

there's one thing I wish:
that nursing wasn't such a cliche job.
like when you're young....
and you learn about different careers: let's name them off.
nurse
doctor
firefighter
policeman

chef
astronaut
postman
I wish I had a cool, long title for a name. maybe i will someday. perhaps.
Nurse Amy, CJFDSKLIW.
That will stand for something very important one day...
you might just have to substitute a letter. Or two.


Oh and P.S.......Fun Fact: Penn State Nursing program does not give you a Bachelor's of Science in Nursing. . Just a Bachelor's in science.
So my name tag will read......"Amy Madden, R.N, B.S."

That's b.s.

and again...

Please go to my tumblr. It's lonely. It wants followers. I feel like it's closer to my heart now. It's like a little beautiful mini scrapbook where I can write, put quotes that I love dearly, and post pictures that mean something significant to me.

www.amymarissa.tumblr.com

One of the most beautiful lines in a song:

"I�m in love with a girl who'�s in love with the world
and I can�t help but follow
though I know someday she is bound to go away
and stay over the rainbow
gotta learn how to let her go
over the rainbow "
-"Keep it Loose, Keep it Tight" by Amos Lee


p.s. for the first time in my life, while looking at jobs, looking at applications and dates, my future world is spinning around...I don't know if I want to graduate anymore.