Real Life.

Second post of the day....

This is going to be a raw, much too honest post most likely...Just a forewarning.  I give serious credit to those bloggers who can put their heart and souls out there on their blog...It is seriously amazing/touching/heartwarming/real, etc etc. (Here's to you Miss Shay, I love you).  I'm more of a "document my life in a normal/funny-sometimes way" kind of blog girl.  Blog girl, really?

Enough of the forewarning stuff.

Today, I was on a casual stroll at the mall -- This has become a dangerous, frequent activity that Sherra and I have picked up recently....

It was 3:30pm -- This is after-school primetime for those young girls that I used to be like, who stroll the mall for clothes, jewelry at Claire's and if they're lucky, boys (Nichole and I were successful in this plenty of times).  

We passed by two around 14-year old girls just coming out of Charlotte Russe and about to pass a jewelry store...I'm talking about a store like Jared's/Kay's/etc....One girl looks at the other and says "Come on, let's go look at wedding rings!!"  

First of all: when I was 14 did I ring shop for my future wedding?  No.  

Second: how old are they again?  Yeah.  

Third: I'm not surprised considering this culture out here. 

Fourth..........

I looked at Sherra and said, "Do they even know what they're getting themselves into?"

When I was 4 years old, I was a bride for Halloween.

I had such the classic bride look on my face, I know....The excuse for the turtle neck was that that past year, there was a blizzard in Upstate New York.  My parents really looked out for me.

Anyway, back to the "Do these girls even know what they're getting themselves into?"

I wish I could break it to these girls that sometimes, weddings don't work out.  

When I was 4, I thought this was how I would pose for my bridal pictures, obviously! -- shy, seductive, in love, concealing my excitement to be sharing my life with that future someone.  Even when I grew out of this wedding dress of mine, I kept that veil (and my communion veil from age 8) and tried it on frequently, looking at myself in the mirror and pretending that I was going to marry the man of my dreams in this extravagant, beautiful wedding.

Yesterday (and today)  I got the phone call telling me that my wedding dress I ordered was finally here.   I even marked this day in my calendar.  I know that they had no idea, but what a low-blow that was.  I had the wedding of my dreams planned:  The Finger Lakes, the most beautiful hotel I could dream of, family, friends, amazing bridesmaids, and a dream groom....Not too mention the most amazing proposal  ever.  Ugh.

Well, it didn't work out.  That said groom, he told me he was terrified to get married.  He said he wasn't ready...A little too late.  

This dream that I had been preparing for since September 2011 (When I moved out here), crashed and burned.

Humiliation.  That was the first response.  I'm sure this happens so much more often than I could imagine, but telling the family and friends....I could never have imagined this happen, ever in my life.

I mean, look at me in the above picture...Hello, I have been ready since I was 4 to find the man of my dreams.  

Recently, I looked at pictures of one of my ex-boyfriends' wedding.  I always thought I would look at it and say, "That was supposed to be ME!"....I say it now, but in a different perspective.  That was supposed to be me, in that beautiful dress, with the man I was supposed to marry, at a beautiful venue (even more beautiful than his)...I was supposed to have the most beautiful day of my life this summer.  

I may not be mourning the guy, and call me selfish, but I sure am missing that day that was supposed to be the most wonderful day of my life.

And the saddest part is...I don't think I will ever have that day that I have dreamt of since I was 4.  The white dress in my closet?  The other white dress waiting for me at the bridal store?  I don't think I will ever trust enough to be able to use those again.  No more dream days for me.  I just don't think I can trust enough to commit to a beautiful wedding, and that's something that I think I'm allowed to mourn.

Story of this emo picture --  This was taken in front of my past-wedding venue.  I thought it was fitting...I mean, I was in a white dress, but it was St. Patrick's Day so I was wearing some green decor....

I feel like I'm being Kristen Wiig -- See 'Bridesmaids'....Where she breaks it to this young girl that best friends are indeed not forever, except I'm saying something so much more deep than that (or am I?) that your fairytale wedding might not in fact be real life.  Such a Negative Nance.

Down to Business.

Update:  Yes, I'm still moving home.

No, I don't have an exact date.

Don't rush me.

Everyone asks me why I'm still here.  It could be because I'm enjoying the sunshine, having fun with my roommates, going on random road trips and just loving not having any responsibility for the moment.  If you could manage to do this fiscally, were single and in my situation, would you do the same?  Okay so maybe I need to go on a beach vacation ASAP, but this will do for now.  Lounging around and sleeping in is now my job.  And I love it.  I'm sure I'll get sick of it really soon, and that means it will be time to go.  As for right now, I'm loving sitting on the couch in my pajamas at 4:45pm.

Not to mention good old New York is having record low temps for the month of April and my brother Matt had his first snow day of the school year this past Monday.  On Monday, it was 85 degrees here in Utah.

Anyway, that's the 411 considering I receive texts every day from various people asking what my status is.  How many times do I have to tell you that I'm in my bed comfy in Utah doing nothing and enjoying it for the time being?  Thank you and goodnight!

P.S. Considering no one reads this blog, I am still expecting daily texts.  Awesome.

What happens in Idaho, stays in Idaho...?

Last week, I was an Idaho virgin...This week, I'm a seasoned Idaho veteran --As in, one visit was enough for me.

But can I just say, it was one super fun girls' weekend that I so badly needed!!

I don't think I've had a girls' weekend in forever.  And especially never with Utah girls. Oh, and in Idaho.  My roommates (plus Sontara and baby Nat) are too much fun for me to handle, and I love them all.  And I will miss them so much!!  Eek am I ever leaving Utah?

These are my freaking adorable roommates.  Why have I never posted a picture of them here before?  From left to right:  Megan, Sherra, Yours truly, and Natalie.  P.S. this picture was taken at The Tavernacle, only the coolest dueling piano bar I have ever been to.  I had so much fun.  Thank you, roommates for taking me out for my birthday --- LOVEyou!

Anyway...Maybe I should add that we went to Lava Hot Springs, natural hot springs right in Idaho (apparently an ancient volcano rests there), possibly one of the lamest states ever (sorry I'm not sorry).  I've heard these are "natural hot tubs"....But um, they were so much hotter than a hot tub.  And I'm surprised I was not scalded to death.  

Our first night out.  I'm so glad these girls forced me to go to Idaho.

Yes, that is Sherra passed out on the floor.  This became a recurring theme.  And "baby" Nat fell asleep in between Sontara and Megan.

I just thought this was so adorable.  Little butterflies on the ceiling!

I had to add this little random thing in here.  Really?  This was one of the first decorations I observed upon walking into the Yellow Submarine (our 'bunkhouse' name in Idaho, we did not make this up).

These girls woke me up at 7:30am with the most hilarious conversations ever.  If you know me, you know I do NOT wake up at 7:30am...more like anywhere between 12 and 2 pm.  I checked my watch in the afternoon thinking it was about 5pm....It was 1:30pm.  Oh, how I waste my days sleeping most of the time.  Thanks guys, for waking me up at a normal-person hour...But no thanks since we went to bed at 2:30am that night/morning.

See, I told you I wasn't making up the name "The Yellow Submarine".  It was the cutest, smallest little house ever.

Saturday afternoon: Sherra and Sontara thought that it was later than it really was too!! Hence, Sherra falling asleep at the pizza place. 

Natalie sandwich.  As you can see, the only 'getting ready' I did was put on red lipstick.  Lava Hot Springs was not a place where you dress to impress.

Saturday night, we wrote poems in the guestbook journal.  

And the Saturday night bonfire that took about an hour and a half to light.  You have no idea what these two went through to light this.....And then we found lighter fluid. Oops.

Well, that was my trip to Idaho in a nutshell :) SEEYA

Nevada R&R (Ranch and Relaxation).

I'm a little behind on posting my adventures these past couple of weeks...

But I've had so much fun!  I'll start with Nevada and end with Idaho - Yes, that all happened in the span of a week.

A few weeks ago, my Aunt, mom and I decided that a visit to my Aunt's ranch in Nevada for some R&R was totally necessary considering these rocky past few months.  We were correct.  It was so lovely that I decided to stay an extra night.  

I spent the week helping my Aunt babysit these two cuties:

Avery, my cousin Ryan and his wife Alisa's babe. She just turned 2, woohoo!

Grant, my cousin Roby and his wife Amanda's big boy.  He is already three!

We spent most of the time chasing after the kids, who always seemed to run in opposite directions...Good thing there were two of us.

We went on a couple of hikes.  My Aunt Maggie was such a trooper carting these kids around.  They had it made if you ask me.

This is the view from the ranch.  Beautiful.

We spent a lot of time trying out the tractors, fork lifts (Grant taught me what all of the specific machines were called) and "John Beers" -- Grant's words, not mine; these are known by most as John Deeres. These are kids that have "brewery" in their vocabulary already! (My Aunt and Uncle own a brewery, don't worry, no drinking young ones).

This picture is hilarious.  It was so windy, it looks like they are really having a ride on the four wheeler (I mean, look at Avery's hair...and Grant's game face).

This may look like a sentimental moment, but don't be fooled.  They were arguing over who should sit in the main seat.

This outfit, I just love....A tutu and jeans, and that stylish jacket of hers?  Alisa and Ryan have one fashionable girl.

I don't even have some of the best pictures on here...I'm in the process of posting these on facebook. 

Other highlights:  Enjoying having some heart to hearts with my Aunt Maggie.  She is such an amazing woman and I can't wait to visit again. 

I was told that babysitting these little ones would be a great form of birth control -- but after spending some QT with my little cousins, I look forward to the day I can have some of my own.  Especially if they are as cute as Avery and Grant.

Next post on the agenda:  Idaho.  Be on the lookout.

24.

Hey!

to me.

bye

Lessons Learned/confessions.

Well....

1. I'm terrible at packing.

2. I probably have the messiest room of all time.

3. Does anyone else here sleep until 4pm? Even when going to bed at a decent time?

4. Melatonin makes dreams so much more vivid and crazy. I'd tell you to try taking some, but...The last dream I had was about a vivid shooting at a hotel, and making out with a celebrity who got shot in the head but was somehow still alive (it was his last waking minutes, so romantic..no). I did learn that my mom will protect me in a shooting. She stood right in front of me the whole time.

Love you, mom of my dreams (literally and figuratively).

5. How can pro soccer players play with streamers still on the field? I was almost disturbed when players started to trip over it.

6. I'm starting to get a little bit job-sick (homesick, except...with employment involved)...And it's only been a week.

7. Kittens are cute sometimes. Actually all the time.

But, this is my life right now. I will be a year older on Friday. Maybe a year-wiser; we'll see when that day rolls around. Right now just pray that there will be good reading-outside weather. If I do make it out of bed before daylight ends.