Real Life.

Second post of the day....

This is going to be a raw, much too honest post most likely...Just a forewarning.  I give serious credit to those bloggers who can put their heart and souls out there on their blog...It is seriously amazing/touching/heartwarming/real, etc etc. (Here's to you Miss Shay, I love you).  I'm more of a "document my life in a normal/funny-sometimes way" kind of blog girl.  Blog girl, really?

Enough of the forewarning stuff.

Today, I was on a casual stroll at the mall -- This has become a dangerous, frequent activity that Sherra and I have picked up recently....

It was 3:30pm -- This is after-school primetime for those young girls that I used to be like, who stroll the mall for clothes, jewelry at Claire's and if they're lucky, boys (Nichole and I were successful in this plenty of times).  

We passed by two around 14-year old girls just coming out of Charlotte Russe and about to pass a jewelry store...I'm talking about a store like Jared's/Kay's/etc....One girl looks at the other and says "Come on, let's go look at wedding rings!!"  

First of all: when I was 14 did I ring shop for my future wedding?  No.  

Second: how old are they again?  Yeah.  

Third: I'm not surprised considering this culture out here. 

Fourth..........

I looked at Sherra and said, "Do they even know what they're getting themselves into?"

When I was 4 years old, I was a bride for Halloween.

I had such the classic bride look on my face, I know....The excuse for the turtle neck was that that past year, there was a blizzard in Upstate New York.  My parents really looked out for me.

Anyway, back to the "Do these girls even know what they're getting themselves into?"

I wish I could break it to these girls that sometimes, weddings don't work out.  

When I was 4, I thought this was how I would pose for my bridal pictures, obviously! -- shy, seductive, in love, concealing my excitement to be sharing my life with that future someone.  Even when I grew out of this wedding dress of mine, I kept that veil (and my communion veil from age 8) and tried it on frequently, looking at myself in the mirror and pretending that I was going to marry the man of my dreams in this extravagant, beautiful wedding.

Yesterday (and today)  I got the phone call telling me that my wedding dress I ordered was finally here.   I even marked this day in my calendar.  I know that they had no idea, but what a low-blow that was.  I had the wedding of my dreams planned:  The Finger Lakes, the most beautiful hotel I could dream of, family, friends, amazing bridesmaids, and a dream groom....Not too mention the most amazing proposal  ever.  Ugh.

Well, it didn't work out.  That said groom, he told me he was terrified to get married.  He said he wasn't ready...A little too late.  

This dream that I had been preparing for since September 2011 (When I moved out here), crashed and burned.

Humiliation.  That was the first response.  I'm sure this happens so much more often than I could imagine, but telling the family and friends....I could never have imagined this happen, ever in my life.

I mean, look at me in the above picture...Hello, I have been ready since I was 4 to find the man of my dreams.  

Recently, I looked at pictures of one of my ex-boyfriends' wedding.  I always thought I would look at it and say, "That was supposed to be ME!"....I say it now, but in a different perspective.  That was supposed to be me, in that beautiful dress, with the man I was supposed to marry, at a beautiful venue (even more beautiful than his)...I was supposed to have the most beautiful day of my life this summer.  

I may not be mourning the guy, and call me selfish, but I sure am missing that day that was supposed to be the most wonderful day of my life.

And the saddest part is...I don't think I will ever have that day that I have dreamt of since I was 4.  The white dress in my closet?  The other white dress waiting for me at the bridal store?  I don't think I will ever trust enough to be able to use those again.  No more dream days for me.  I just don't think I can trust enough to commit to a beautiful wedding, and that's something that I think I'm allowed to mourn.

Story of this emo picture --  This was taken in front of my past-wedding venue.  I thought it was fitting...I mean, I was in a white dress, but it was St. Patrick's Day so I was wearing some green decor....

I feel like I'm being Kristen Wiig -- See 'Bridesmaids'....Where she breaks it to this young girl that best friends are indeed not forever, except I'm saying something so much more deep than that (or am I?) that your fairytale wedding might not in fact be real life.  Such a Negative Nance.