5 Years.

I've started listening to a lot of podcasts within the past 6-7 months.  It's been great.  I have always loved NPR and the concept of talk radio in general.  I recently started listening to Invisibilia, and it's helped me to ponder my own feelings and emotions.  Why do we feel the way we feel, or lackthereof?  What is going on in this brain of mine that causes me hurt, happiness, love, grief, pain, resolution? 

 I have been single more or less for almost 2 years, and I like to think I have learned a lot, but seriously, have I really?   Because then there are nights like the other night, where I just cry.  For something I lost over 5 years ago. 

 I had a dream that I was with someone I had loved so much, years ago.  The kind of love you don't think you'll ever find again.  We kissed, I knew in my dream it had been a long time, and there was this electrical feeling.  If you follow Invisibilia, they talk about emotions that other cultures have that we don't, and this one is 'Liget', an emotion an anthropologist found in a tiny village in the Phillipines. Limited by the English language, it more or less means "a high voltage running through the course of your body".  It's intense, overpowering, and something that you can feel when you're deeply hurt, or when you have adrenaline running through your body, or when you're in love.  I realized in this dream (I have some vivid, deep dreams) that I hadn't felt like that since him.  It felt like 'Liget' , and it also felt like home.  I woke up and felt a void that I hadn't felt in a long time.  A hollowness, an emptiness.   

 Because the past two years, I have run into a lot of dead ends.  I have made a lot of mistakes.  I have cried over guys that were unworthy of my tears, fell for guys unworthy of my feelings, and felt nothing at all about guys I thought deserved some of my time.  And I'm almost 30!  According to 16 year old me, I should be married with 2+ kids right now, owning a home (that's another sob story) and....Just not alone in a 335 square foot studio apartment with a 12 year old dog as my companion. Yet, here I am.     I revived this blog to try  to make sense of where I'm at now, and come to peace that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.  I also want to share some stories about being almost 30, single, and actively dating in a city deemed 'Menver'.  More like "Men-Child-ver", amIRite?   

 Thanks for reading.