Broken

Really broken.

I've never been this real before, but my life is a wreck.

I usually post good things on this blog....My life is so beautiful yet 99.5% of the time it doesn't feel that way.

I'm glad the 0.5% is documented on this blog. I want to remember those moments where I feel alive.

But right now, I don't.

Empty. Broken. Heart hurts. Can't explain the way that it feels, because it hurts so much.

I need to be more honest, more open with myself and my problems. But it feels like I can't on here.

I have a new e-pal (pen pals through e-mail, obviously). Her name is Shay. I met her I think through the grace of God. We bonded because we both had tattoos on our foot and were Mormons going to institute in the Middle of Nowhere, Pennsylvania. But, I think our meeting was meant for a much more deeper purpose than that. She knows the pain I feel. She's been through it herself. I am so thankful for that. At least there is something positive in this post.

I am in the process of trying to be open to those who mean so much to me. Lauren, you're next. I've hesitated-- I put on a facade, I try to be happy.

There are so many things I need to work out in this broken life of mine. But my heart is broken. Which leads to me trying to fix myself. Nursing is my job. But I also need to nurse my heart before I nurse anyone else.

Work in progress. That is me.

Progress will begin.....But man, it's so hard.

I am ruining a relationship that is so important to me.

A person that I love.

That I have trusted more than anyone else in this world.

He walked away, he couldn't take it anymore.

Do I blame him? No.

Did I try to change his mind? Yes.

Was I successful? No.

I don't blame him.

But it hurts. It aches.

It hurts so much.

Tears fall down my face as I write this.....

I've never been this honest, this real on this blog...But this is a cry for help.

Please pray for me. Keep me in your prayers. I am self-destructing. I feel helpless.

Feeling helpless is in my opinion, the worst, most miserable feeling in the world. Feeling like there is nothing I can do. And I can't do anything.

I give up.