For the Beauty of the earth.

I'm at the lake with my dad. Nothingness, water, sun, boat for 7 days. Literally just what I've been needing for so long.

This will be short, and a list since listing thoughts are easy(-ier?).

Things I love (right now):

1) Reading...reading has accounted for about 95% of my vacation thus far. 'The Alchemist' was the most recent one. Beautiful, I highlighted basically 3/4 of the book, and to know that it was published in 1988 made it all the more better. Also, goodreads. Also, my kindle.

2) Water and having the ability to jump in any time I want, especially in this high heat.

3) I'm getting out of my lease/moving (where? to be continued...). There are many complications, but in Billy Joel's words, "I'm Moving Out".

4) my iPhone, for helping us get back to the cottage after a late night boat ride and forgetting where exactly the cottage was located. My dad even expressed his thankfulness for it.

5) Sea glass and sea shells with beautiful and mysterious paintings on the back, found at the shore. I'm collecting sea glass. What will I do with it? I'm not sure yet. Suggestions are welcomed.

6) Barbecues. Yum.

7) This beautiful cottage. So cutely decorated, it's almost 90 years old. Such a gem. I want to own a little cute place like this to retire in someday.

8) I guess my favorite word is beautiful. But that's what life is...

Never have I ever been reduced to tears while looking at a sun setting (that's probably a lie, but I can't remember). But I did the other night while on the boat. A hymn came to my mind, which has been rare as of late. "For the Beauty of the Earth"...

For the beauty of the earth,

For the beauty of the skies,

For the love which from our birth

Over and around us lies....

Well, I'll end with that. I think it sums up how I'm feeling right now.

Oh, and I'm thankful for my dad for giving me a great vacation. Thanks, dad!

grateful.

I had a horribly long day. My feet ache. So I decided, what better time than now to write a "What I am grateful for" list?

What am I grateful for right now?

For a best-boyfriend, Jackson- it sure has been a lovely, challenging, rewarding one year with you.

For a best friend, Lauren-- For being there for each other even though the distance between the Eastside and Westside of Manhattan seems like an eternity away.

For my BFF(in school) Nichole....Catching up, our new matching "I heart JM" shirts. I miss you already.

For my life. For my health-- Which I need to take a little bit more care of.

For books-- Getting lost in a story.

For hugs at work. You probably won't ever read this, but thank you so much Shaniqua, you made my day. And on top of that, filing my papers...An angel of a clerk.

For the man that risked his elbow to pry open the door for me on the subway. I made sure to thank you twice, once after, and once as I was leaving incase you didn't realize how long an extra 10 minutes goes for me.

For my dad, for booking a cottage on the Lake. Where I will relax, and read, and boat, and sleep. Repeat.

What's New.

It's been a month since I've written. Oops.

Lots of being busy.

Lots of work.

Some vacation, two trips home, one trip to Utah.

That's a lot of stuff.

I wish I was quick with uploading pictures, but unfortunately I am lazy and sit on my computer doing everything but that. I think the highlights are these:

I went home for two days. I drove my grandma's car home and enjoyed a lovely road trip through upstate New York. Have I mentioned that I miss driving so much? When I got home, I saw my sister. I feel like these meetings have become rare. It was so nice to see her. We went to one of my favorite places on earth, the gorges/waterfalls of Ithaca, NY.

This is one of the most beautiful spots of Fall Creek. The abandoned building-- I went to go visit it. It was torn down. I was very sad.

But fortunately, the beauty lives on in Ithaca. There are so many more beautiful spots like this. I made my sister climb down and up the waterfalls (I think she thought I was crazy/who knew I could be a daredevil sometimes), just so we could go under one and feel the water pounding over us. It's one of those moments where you feel lucky to be alive and be living on an earth that is so glorious and beautiful.

I went to Utah. I biked my first time on a tandem bike with Jackson --Who knew they made mountain bike tandem-style? We rode along the Provo River. We did not know that the river flooded at one point on the trail and we ended up knee deep in water while on the bike (a tandem bike at that). It was pretty funny. I don't think I'll ever forget that moment, we laughed until we cried!

I woke up at 5am on July 4th, scheduled to work and homesick. I called and asked for the day off because I knew the hospital wasn't busy. They graciously gave me the day off, and I took the first bus headed for home. It was only for the night, but I had such a wonderful time. I went on Keuka Lake on the boat with my dad, my little brother Matt and Taz (my dad's cute, crazy dog). I met up with my BFF since 2nd grade, Nichole. It was lovely...I hadn't seen her in almost a year, see what being a grown up does to you?!? Nonsense. I even came and surprised her extended family-- They are literally my second aunts, uncles, cousins, and I love them all so much.

I've realized how much I appreciate and love the beauty of Upstate New York, family, what I will always call home. The High School me would have never believed me. Maybe one day I'll end up back there....

Jackson came this weekend. We celebrated what will be our one year of being together as of next weekend. It was wonderful. We went to the place we first met, walked around Battery Park, had dinner, were lazy and reminisced. It is crazy to look back on how much we have grown this past year together.

This was taken yesterday at Battery Park. I had to force him to smile :)

I'll try to be better about more updates.

For now, this is my life. I am pretty content.

i am Me.

That's me.

(Pretty sure you know that if you're reading this)

I have crazy curly hair.

Thanks to the New York City heat wave/humidity 100%, It is even crazier.

Does it make me crazy sometimes? Yes. Would I change it? No. It is me.

I have my dad's eyes.

I have white teeth.

I have chapped lips.

I am me.

I have air conditioning blowing on my back right now..This makes me happy.

After 10 months of living in the City with no couch, I finally got to sit back with Kevin and watch a movie....On our free couch, in front of a TV and not a laptop. That made me happy. And for once, Kevin liked my movie choice. Thank you, sociology class for making me become obsessed with the 1971 Stanford Prison Experiment. It helped me bond with my roommate.

I have a 4 day weekend. Happiness.

Bye for now.

Spelling confusion with a "k"

I was walking home tonight from work...The same sidewalks as always. Everything familiar to me. On the verge of tears.

I remembered how many times this has happened in the past year.

Crying, in the past because I was homesick, crying because my heart aches for my patients, crying because work is so hard sometimes.

But now I found myself crying because I have no one to come home to....To talk to, to share my day with. No best friend.

It reminds me of that Dane Cook skit, where he talks about how you're on the verge of tears all day, and you just can't wait to go home and sob. And cry and cry. And know you're not going to fall asleep, yet it's all you want to do.

Right now, I'm listening to sad songs that I used to listen to in high school.

Konstantine, Walking By, Something Corporate.

The memories. The memories of when I thought I was so emo/sad...But in reality, those were the best moments of my life.

UGHHhhhh.....

I hate being like this.

On top of that, I'm sunburnt and I hear mice in my kitchen but am terrified to go look.

Okay...This is turning into a pity party.

Sorry, bye.

Inspiration.

Can I just say that heart to hearts with my Dad can be so therapeutic?

I said it. I mean it.

On another note...Being a friend-nurse pays (not money-wise, love-wise).

I've told you that every patient I have come into contact with has been a friend, some way or another..

Now that I work on days, their families have become my friends, too.

My patient a few days ago..I learned that he was a personal trainer, in love with fitness and muscle magazines. Coincidentally, the previous tenant in my apartment was too. I have been receiving body builder magazines since I have been here. I took these magazines sitting on my counter idly and gave him them to read while he was undergoing radiation and chemo. I told him I loved to read, but not that kind of stuff...He laughed.

The other family/patient in the room heard that I loved reading...I asked what they liked to read. They showed me the current book that they were reading, "Unbroken", a previous NYT best seller. The next day, the family member left me a note and two books and the note said it was for me to keep. She finished it and wanted to give it to me.

I am so blessed by my patients.

This, this has all been a reminder of the blessings that I have just from talking with my dad. Thanks, dad. You are more of an inspiration to me than you will ever know.

"Keep on keeping on."

We both will survive.

Broken

Really broken.

I've never been this real before, but my life is a wreck.

I usually post good things on this blog....My life is so beautiful yet 99.5% of the time it doesn't feel that way.

I'm glad the 0.5% is documented on this blog. I want to remember those moments where I feel alive.

But right now, I don't.

Empty. Broken. Heart hurts. Can't explain the way that it feels, because it hurts so much.

I need to be more honest, more open with myself and my problems. But it feels like I can't on here.

I have a new e-pal (pen pals through e-mail, obviously). Her name is Shay. I met her I think through the grace of God. We bonded because we both had tattoos on our foot and were Mormons going to institute in the Middle of Nowhere, Pennsylvania. But, I think our meeting was meant for a much more deeper purpose than that. She knows the pain I feel. She's been through it herself. I am so thankful for that. At least there is something positive in this post.

I am in the process of trying to be open to those who mean so much to me. Lauren, you're next. I've hesitated-- I put on a facade, I try to be happy.

There are so many things I need to work out in this broken life of mine. But my heart is broken. Which leads to me trying to fix myself. Nursing is my job. But I also need to nurse my heart before I nurse anyone else.

Work in progress. That is me.

Progress will begin.....But man, it's so hard.

I am ruining a relationship that is so important to me.

A person that I love.

That I have trusted more than anyone else in this world.

He walked away, he couldn't take it anymore.

Do I blame him? No.

Did I try to change his mind? Yes.

Was I successful? No.

I don't blame him.

But it hurts. It aches.

It hurts so much.

Tears fall down my face as I write this.....

I've never been this honest, this real on this blog...But this is a cry for help.

Please pray for me. Keep me in your prayers. I am self-destructing. I feel helpless.

Feeling helpless is in my opinion, the worst, most miserable feeling in the world. Feeling like there is nothing I can do. And I can't do anything.

I give up.