exhausted amy-isms.

One more night shift to work until I become a human again.

One day in between to recover.

I will be in zombie mode on Sunday. That's Easter, by the way.

Yesterday, I was in Grand Central Station at Rite Aid. A homeless man on a motor scooter was cruising near the pharmacy, while I was impatiently waiting for my prescription to be ready. The motor scooter guy was singing and singing. Then I notice he starts pouring boxes and boxes of Tylenol PM and Advil PM into his coat and Duane Reade bags. A-What.....What would you do as a bystander? Well....I had no idea. And I was deliriously tired from working. I stood there, pretended I didn't see (felt so guilty for that), and looked for employees. Thankfully, another one saw. The cops were there in 0.3 seconds, and were rolling the Tylenol thief away. Is there an underground Tylenol PM drug ring that I don't know about? Anyway...That was an awkward New York moment. Let's be honest...Only in New York.

After the Shins started playing on my iPod this morning, I realized that I really want to watch the movie Garden State again. That's one of my favorite movies. I love Natalie Portman and Zach Braff. It's such a beautiful movie.

I'm becoming immune to caffeine. This is a problem. I am also becoming addicted. I need it. Dr. Pepper, Starbucks (too expensive), Dunkin' Donuts, Snapple. Give it all to me.

I miss this one guy. I'm pretty dang happy with him. Love can be really lovely sometimes....It's been 9 months. Whoa. :)

A photo of a photo of a photo...Someday I will upload the original (when I get a new computer)...But. This is it. Take it or leave it.

Daughters.

Sometimes, I cry. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Don't cry, Amy" when I've been working from my coworkers. How embarrassing. Does anyone else have this problem? Doubt it.

Sometimes I care too much. And maybe that's why I have a tendency to tear up a lot. I can't go into details but...Sometimes I look at these people, think "hey that could be my family member....". Instantly I love them. If anyone treats them in a way that isn't less than exceptional care, I get really upset. Anger = emotion. Emotion = tears.

So....It's 9am on a Saturday. No one is awake. I'm walking home from the subway, on the verge of tears every step I take. I can't think of anyone else to call, so I call my dad and instantly, the tears are coming...Again. I'm sobbing on the corner of 38th and 3rd, complaining about the entire night (I didn't even make it to my apartment, a half of a block away, hate my life). I know it must have been a weird conversation for him to wake up to...But I just needed someone to listen.

He was there. Here I am, a grown up girl, needing a shoulder to cry on....I'm glad it was my Dad's.

I'm crying again as I write this....

I am now 23 years old. I still can't believe that sometimes. It's hard to believe I have a full time job....And that I live on my own. I knew it would happen someday, but not this fast. Sometimes it's really hard not to be able to see my family whenever I want. I hate distance. Sometimes I hate being an adult.

Maybe this whole blog entry is childish...But I had to.

I think I'll always be a daddy's girl.

So Dad, I know that I'm a grown up now, but I will always be your little girl. I'm glad I still have you to talk to when I'm miles and miles away when no one is there (or awake yet, ha). You're a really good listener. P.S. I'm glad I look just like you.

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On a related note (kind of), I watched a 10 minute clip about a teenaged girl with autism who found her voice through typing on a computer. Much to the surprise of her family, she was a gifted individual with a talent for writing. She could express her feelings in a way that she never could before. Her parents finally saw how grateful she was for their help. I cried like a little girl when she typed this on her computer during her documentary. It didn't help that I had just gotten off the phone with my dad.

These were her words, not mine...But I had to share.

"Dear Dad,

I love when you read to me. And I love that you believe in me. I know I am not the easiest kid in the world. However you are always there for me, holding my hand and picking me up. I love you."

It's that time for another John Mayer reference.

home/artichokes

I love my family.

I loved everything about this weekend-- Especially waking up to beautiful weather and the birds chirping. It beats the heck out of honking and the loud music of cars waiting at the red light outside of my bedroom window.

I loved waking up to a cat purring in my ear.

I loved eating Sunday morning breakfast bagels outside on the patio, just talking with my dad and sister while Taz ran around the backyard.

Oh how I long for a green backyard with lots of trees and space to run and play.

Love, love, love.

If you ever want to win me over, buy me an Amazon Gift Card. I think that was my favorite birthday gift...Besides the 10th row center tickets to see Wicked. That was a pretty sweet gift too.

By the way....Indefinitely turned into 2 weeks...But I guess it's okay. Rolling with the punches.

I love Artichoke Pizza. "The" Artichoke Pizza...As in the pizza shop on East 14th Street. You haven't lived until you've clogged your arteries with their gigantic, cream saucy slice of artichoke pizza. If you need the details...You know where to find me.

Here's to.

Here's to me turning 23 in two days....

But wishing I were still this little girl instead.

If you must know, I'm hugging that same teddy bear right now.

Balance.

Sometimes, life throws some terrible, unexpected things at you.

How I long to be with my Mom, to comfort her and tell her that life will go on.

I wish I could look after her and take care of her like she did with me when I was little.

I would love to have a girl's night...Just me, Ali, and Mom (maybe Kevin's invited too....).

If I could tell my Mom two things right now:

1) It's not your fault. You did all you could. He knows you cared about him more than anything, and always will.

2) Take care of yourself. Matt, Ali and I don't want to lose you. We are here for you.

I cannot even imagine losing someone special to me so unexpectedly.

Prayers for my Mom.

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But then, sometimes life will throw some great things at you.

I woke up on Friday morning at 8am to my bedroom door creaking open. I'm blind without my glasses, so I figure it's Kevin. Actually, it was Jackson. This was decided after a minute of staring at him, realizing, 'this guy is bigger than Jackson...Wait, stripes! That's Jackson's sweatshirt'. He came to surprise me all the way from Utah.

The first thing that comes out of my sleepy mouth?

"Wait...Why are you here?"

What a lovely first thing to say.

He told me that he had a return flight Monday, but he might not take it.

After some serious contemplating, he didn't.

He's here indefinitely, staying with a friend and working from his apartment.

I'm not getting my hopes up, but I am pretty happy that I get to see him more than once or twice a month. It's a big sacrifice on his part, I know. But I am very thankful. I am excited to go on fun NYC dates that we missed out on since he was only here for 2 months of us dating before he was back out in Utah.

Therefore, life is all about balance.

Take the good with the bad.

Love, learn, live. In that order.

Quoting John Mayer,

I Know the Heart of Life is Good

But really....

Tonight was a big test of patience for me.

That's why they call them "patients", right?

A couple of nights ago, a nurse assistant stopped me...."You're not from New York City, are you girl?"....I smile, "No, I'm from a small town in upstate New York"....Her response "GIRL you need to toughen up, you act too nice for a City like this!"

It's true. People will use you until your last ounce of existence if you are a pushover, and this is especially true here.

Now that I think of it, maybe this is a blessing....After all, in 2010 that was my New Year's "goal" (hate the word resolution).

BUT REALLY...I think I have some good work-news coming up soon. I heard unofficial word about it today. Crossing fingers, praying times a million. Stressed and scared but excited. The end.

Heart of Life.

This is my New York.

This is the New York I see everyday.

Honestly, I love whoever captured this.

Funny enough, it was a tourist. But they saw New York how it really is.

I swear they saw it through my eyes...Maybe because they were people-watching, but still.

I'm sick of the bright lights, sky scrapers, Times Square...

But what I'm not sick of is watching all the different types of people that live here.

Seeing people sleeping on the subways.

Commutes to work...As much as I hate being sandwiched between people I don't know, each person has their story.

Curiosity...Sometimes, I walk around and just imagine what lives these people are living. The people I live in such close proximity with.

Such interesting people...Such an eclectic population, in such a small radius. "The most populous City in the United States"....8.4 million people, each with so many stories to tell.

I get to meet so many great people working in a hospital. I learn something from every single one of them. I love to talk to my patients. So many wonderful stories, so much wisdom (the one benefit of working with an older population). That I am definitely grateful for.

Anyway, just decided I'd share something positive. Honestly, I had been trying to write a blog for the past 3 days...I deleted every unfinished entry because it wasn't worth reading. I think this one was.