reflect.

Sitting in my far too big room in my far too big apartment,
Next to my air conditioner. Freezing.
Watching through my window a person/persons watching Family Guy on their big screen.
Since I can't hear from this far away, John Mayer's "Room for Squares" is playing on my iTunes (talk about a throwback).

I'm trying to relax. Trying is the key word.

I've been asking for prayers from everyone. No matter what God they pray to (the more Gods, the more ground I cover), or if they're atheist or non-spiritual. I hope I have God on my side tomorrow.

It's been a little while...

It's been a month to be exact....Well, not exactly, but almost a month.

I've been happy.

I went to the lake with my second family. I've been with my best friends (thanks Marissa, Roni and Steph, love you), and I've made memories with them that I never will forget.
Kevin moved to the big City before me, and I missed him.

I went to California to enjoy some sun, but it was overcast. I still spent most of it at the beach. And just relaxing, and catching up with old friends...That aren't so old, but I just love them.
A day passed...A good day with a special someone. Then I was off again to the Bahamas, Paradise Island, the Atlantis. Although drinking the water wasn't the best of ideas and I was sick for most of the trip, I soaked in those rays and the beauty of the tropics. And family...Ali, even though we sometimes don't get along, you're always my wing (wo)man. I wish we could have found Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian. Oh well.

Well...Three days passed. Three beautiful days of friends. A going away party that turned into a bon fire in my backyard and hilarious stories to tell in the morning...In my bed. Pillow talk with Roni and Marissa is the best the morning after. We laugh. It's the best way to start my day.
I put off packing...But Saturday, I was off. Off to the world of grownup-hood. I think I realized it when my friends said "moving away party". This move is indefinite. I could be here for a long, long time. But so far, I'm happy. Happy to be reunited with friends (even though it's only been 2 weeks, Kevin withdrawals had set in) and a friend that's been in Utah for the majority of the year.

Right now, I'm going to bed early because I start my orientation tomorrow for work/my internship (cross your fingers I pass my boards so I can get a permanent job). I feel like a kid going to my first day of school. Except, it's a grown up job....And I've been to this orientation before. But still. I have my clothes laid out and book bag packed.

Graduation was the end of a wonderful life thus far. The new chapter of my life starts now.

Hello again, New York.

Dear Long Hair,

I'm sorry I cut you off on my birthday.
I thought it was a good idea at the time,
Your ends were dying and I had no other choice.
I thought it would bring a sense of celebration to my otherwise mundane, annual day of birth.
However, I miss you.
Sorry that the stupid hair lady cut you a little too short.
See you in a couple of months I hope. Come back soon, please.

Sincerely,
Me

euphoric.

Today, I walked out from my last final of my undergraduate career.
As I walked, I waved my arms in the air clumsily, clicked my heels, almost started crying, and had a 5-year old-esque smile on my face that has yet to go away.
It reminded me of when I was walking out of elementary school, ten years ago. I could not stop smiling. I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. That's exactly how it felt. I felt like a giddy little kid.

So, here's to 4 long years (but it went by so fast) of

millions of memories. tears. laughter. parties. studying in the Hub with Emily. Chik-Fil-A. Hershey Med. 306.Intervention. regrets and mistakes. accomplishments. exams. ATI nonsense. Thon. dorm life. skipping class a lot. Taco Bell. sheetz (never thought i'd love a gas stations os much). countless clinicals at 6am and lack of sleep. countless naps to make up for the lack of sleep. old people, babies, moms, sick people, IVs, med calc, dreading taking a blood pressure, nightmares about med-surg, psych wards, having no idea what i was doing,

patients i fell in love with and will never ever forget.

love. heartbreak. a rollercoaster. stress.

But, it sure was one heck of a good time.


It's been real, Penn State.
PEACE OUT.

i want to save you.

standing on the edge of morning
scent of sex and new found glory
playing as she's pulling back her hair
she drives away
she's feeling worthless
used again but nothing's different
she stayed the night
but knows he doesn't care

home by three
deafening quiet
the porch light's off
yes they forgot it
she'd cry herself to sleep
but she don't dare
then she wants to be a model
she wants to hear she's beautiful
she's beautiful

i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you

dressed by dawn and out the door
no light
she memorized the floor
so she could leave without being detected
she works till three
it's uniform
she dreams that he'll come by the store
she prays for days
the boys mean she's protected
and she wants someone to see her
she needs to hear she's beautiful
she's beautiful

i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you

and she won't sleep
and she won't sleep
at all

i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you
(let me save you)

Is it weird....

That I still sleep with my teddy bear?
I'm 22 years old.
My teddy bear was mine before I was born. He was a baby shower present from my grandma's best friend (whom I recently confessed to that I still sleep with him every night...She laughed. I don't think she believed me).
When I was little, he was my 'security blanket'. I took him everywhere, absolutely everywhere.

In fact, you can't see it in the back...But I was probably about 4-5 years old when this picture was taken...At Niagra Falls. He was a part of the family photos...Cropped out is my little sister and dad. I have this photo because one day when I was about 8, I thought Teddy was kidnapped. I put this photo up on my door with a sign declaring him missing, to see if he'd come home. Well, he was under my bed and I found him later that day...But still. I loved him so much. I still love him.

I'm not crazy....I don't take him to sleepovers, and I can sleep when he's not around. But when I'm alone in my bed in the comfort of my own home/apartment, there's nothing more comfortable than my teddy bear.




Places he has been with me: Canada, Jamaica, California, Mexico, Aruba, all of Italy, North Carolina, South Carolina, Florida, Georgia, Maryland, Cayman Islands, etc. My teddy is probably more well-traveled than a lot of people.

Anyway...This is something that is maybe taboo, but is near and dear to my heart. I know someday, when I'm married I will most definitely not be sleeping with a teddy bear...But for now, he's all I have. I love him a lot.

nowhere to go but up.

This is going to be how I will feel on May 15th. Floating off into the infinite abyss, unsure of what's going to be there, feeling like I'm ready for anything (probably not even close to it but oh well) with my head held high.
I graduate in a month.
Last Thursday, I got hired on the spot. It's temporary, 8 weeks, an internship just the same as last year in New York City (except instead of hip replacements, it'll be happy moms and their babies), but I'm hoping it'll lead me into something more permanent. On May 15th, I'll finally be able to call myself a nurse. I'll have a profession. Wowzas.
It's down to the wire, and I'm stressed. I put off things until the very end. But I'm here. I'm doing it, barely keeping sane but I'm doing it.
New York, here I come again.