Little Amy, Big World.

teenagehoodism.

2012-01-16T09:05:00.000-08:00

Ugh, TEENhood was SO long ago.

Just kidding, it wasn't. But sometimes it feels like it....

Like on mornings (which are my nights) when I sit here listening to Straylight Run and think about nights (which were really nights) where I would write in my journal, weekends where I would throw parties with my friends, and go to high school and love/hate it. I cried a lot, I laughed a lot, but I just have mostly good, warm feelings thinking back on those times.

I'm glad I can look back on things via livejournal/blurty blogs I had back in the day which links will not be shared unless it is demanded of me.

Oh, the simplicity.

To my past self: You think life was complicated then? Oooh, girl....You're in for quite the ride.

I'm happy....But I'm nostalgic.

Existential moment. Hold on, wait up, I have the perfect song.

Lakes and Sleep.

2012-01-10T21:04:00.000-08:00

I'm a night owl again. Not by choice.

I have been sleeping 24/7. I think my body hates me. I think Jackson isn't too fond either, considering every time I go to hang out with him, I sleep the day away. Why is this so hard on my body?

P.S. I feel like my coworkers are feeding me 24/7. They bring in goodies all the time. I can't complain.. But at the same time...ALL this food is taking its' toll! IT IS!

I woke up at 8:40 pm tonight, and am now planning this wedding. Which, I'm sure you will be sick of hearing once it's July.

This is going to be it:

How beautiful is this? Except picture green instead of fall colors.

Right on Seneca Lake. It will be beautiful.

What else about me.

I'm reading my first Stephen King book and I absolutely love it. 11/22/63 -- Pick it up if you love historical fiction, JFK, the 1950's-60's era...Oh how I would love to live in that era.

Other than that...Life is one big sleep fest.

Eee 2012!

2012-01-03T23:59:00.000-08:00

Why do years keep flying by?

And...Why do people keep getting older?

Points to ponder.

Anyway. I cannot believe it's 2012.

I got engaged in 2011...Albeit December 17th, but still. The world turned one year older on January 1st at 12 am and I realized, I am getting married this year. Eek! It's been wedding planning galore, and I feel like I've gotten nothing accomplished, but in reality I am trying daily to get things in order. Thank you, Dad for scouting out places for me. I don't think I could do it without you.

I miss home a lot. I miss New York. I miss my co-workers there. Mostly I miss my family though. I'm obviously comparable to a homesick kid at summer camp, except this is one long summer camp trip. Or maybe boarding school is a better comparison. But really. I miss everyone.

My grandma...I am so glad I got to see her the night after I got engaged. It's sad watching people get older. Especially someone you look up to so much. I remember grandma walking us to Nathan's, when she played Pretty Pretty Princess with me while babysitting me in upstate New York (she won). But I am so thankful she is here...78 years young, to be able to see my wedding. I already told her I am naming my first girl after her.

Family is the best...I look like the devil.

Years fly by. People grow up and grow old. But, I am happy. I am happy to have spent the past year with people I love. I am happy I am where I am today, albeit far away from home.

I am happy that I have a job ---I started the night shift last week and am officially nocturnal, but I am still lucky that I have a job at all. And that my coworkers are amazing and fun and so incredibly nice. I am happy for the next step in my life!!

2012 will not be the end of the world ---It will just be the new beginning of something great!!!

The end of a lovely year in NYC.

First Comes Love...

2011-12-26T18:24:00.001-08:00

Then comes the engagement.

I am an engaged woman now to a wonderful man who I am so excited to share my life with!

I think most people that were interested have seen the proposal video, but I wanted to share with you my side of the story.

I went home to Horseheads on December 15th with Jackson. He had the intention of asking my dad for his blessing to marry me-- But that's all I knew. I was told this lovely ring of mine wouldn't be ready until the New Year. He asked him the first night we were home, at 11:30 pm to be exact. While this was happening, I was up in my room having a panic attack under the bed....No joke. I was expecting my dad to be outraged-- I vividly remember him telling me at the age of 18 that I shouldn't get married until I turn 30.

This cute clip from Father of the Bride makes me picture what must have been going through my dad's head at the time, even though I wasn't there....It also makes me cry.

I think in my dad's mind I'm still a little girl, which is fine to me...I'll always be 'Daddy's Little Girl'. But instead of what I thought would happen (a catastrophe), my dad was so happy for Jackson and me. That night when Jackson told me how the conversation went, I cried. My dad's happiness for us was so important to me. Family is so important to me!

Which is why I couldn't have dreamed of a better proposal.

Saturday, December 17th was my planned 'faux Christmas'. Since I wasn't going to be home on Christmas day, my family planned to exchange gifts with me on Saturday. I planned to be at my dad's for a little, then have dinner (dutch meatballs, THE BEST) at my mom's afterwards. My dad told me that he invited my mom and her boyfriend over to exchange gifts, too. I wasn't suspicious, instead I was overjoyed that I could have my faux-Christmas with my entire family together. My Christmas dream come true! Fast forward to everyone coming over. Jackson played 'sick' and I believed every minute of it. We began to exchange gifts; My dad's video camera out (which happens during every Christmas event), my family happy and together, Christmas music playing in the background....And then this happens:

The 'Aws' and the crying, I just couldn't help it.

The best part: My entire family was in on the proposal; That's why the whole family gathered in the first place. My dad was a trooper and helped Jackson plan the whole thing (video credits go to him, thanks dad!!). Sadly, no Dutch meatballs were in order. Instead, my dad made reservations for us to go to Tanino's --Family favorite restaurant in Horseheads. My family already had beautiful engagement cards already written out for me. So sneaky.

Honestly, combining My entire family + The man I love = Pure joy for me!!! Which is why this was absolutely perfect. Remember when I said that graduation was the best day of my life? I think this tops it. I think the wedding will be even better.

P.S. Helpful hint: If you go to the youtube link, you'll find a nice little video (albeit 14 minutes long) of a compilation of videos/pictures from when Jackson and I first started dating to now. It's lovely. Feel free to fast forward through the zoo videos....But everything else is beautiful.

I'm going to watch Father of the Bride now. I will say, my dad is so much cooler than Steve Martin.

Giving Thanks part 2.

2011-12-04T19:24:00.000-08:00

So, did anyone else find out in their mid-twenties that their grandpa was a serious hero/bad-A?!

We're all getting ready for the Thanksgiving dinner when my aunt casually brought up my Opa's story (that's Dutch for grandpa). Apparently my mom has a bad memory.

Background: My Opa died a year before I was born of pancreatic cancer. I have not heard ONE bad thing about my Opa. My dad to this day talks of how his ex-father-in-law was one of the kindest, sincere men he has ever met in his life. I wish I had had the pleasure of meeting him and spending some time with him. I wish even more now that I heard how wonderful he was.

Opa was also known as Jan Van Den Berg. He was born and raised in Holland.

He turned into one striking young man. The look on his face in this next picture (he's in the middle)....

Now for my favorite part....My Opa was a member of the Dutch Underground (also known as the Dutch Resistance). Believe me, it's as cool as it sounds. My Opa hid Jews from the Nazis. You know how Anne Frank and her family hid in a kind family's home/store in Holland? My Opa took a family into his home and hid them in order to help them survive. Can you imagine the bravery that took? What a selfless act!!

The story gets worse, but then better. My Opa was eventually caught. They sent those who hid the Jews to the concentration camps too.... The Nazis took my Opa and put him on a line to a train headed for death at a concentration camp. Do you know what that man did? He fled the line. Story goes there were shots fired at him as he ran. But he escaped!!! (obviously, if he didn't I wouldn't be here today.)

From there, he joined the Dutch Marines....He was stationed in England. There, he met my Oma, Amy Van Den Berg. The rest is history:

This postcard was sent to Holland to tell family he arrived safe in New York after immigrating there from England with my Oma. His return address was 138 E 36th St, New York, NY 10016. The crazy part: I lived 2 blocks from their first apartment (in the US) last year and never even knew.

I wish I could thank him for living such a wonderful life and tell him that I'm proud to be his grand daughter (and tell him we could have been neighbors!!). That is honestly the most moving story I have ever heard.

Thanks to my Aunt Maggie for having these wonderful pictures, her memory, and for keeping family history.

Down in the Valley.

2011-11-29T13:52:00.001-08:00

So, remember how I went to Nevada for Thanksgiving to see family that I haven't seen in a trillion years?

Now, I've gotten used to mountains out here, but 2 lane roads, open plains, and mountains in the background? Along with the salt flats as seen to your right (can you believe that's not snow)? Gorgeous. I was so fascinated by Nevada.

My family lives on a ranch. I've learned that it's a 24 hour job. It's also beautiful. Jackson and I went along to feed cows right after we got there.

See that unbelievably long herd of cows following us? The 'moos' were the best.

It was so nice to spend time with family. We had the best time; so many laughs and memories that were made. I think I brought home a few pounds of food in my belly area, but it was so worth it. Both of my cousins, Roby and Ryan each have lovely wives and the cutest kids ever.

Grant is 2 years old and a big boy. He's so sweet and caring, especially with his little cousin.

Sweet little Avery. She's 18 months (give or take, I think). She is so silly. Example: This picture. She even said "cheeeese" while she was striking this pose down here.

This is probably one of my favorite pictures from the trip....We went on a drive through the valley.

My Aunt Maggie. She looks a little like my mom, right? And Alisa, Ryan's wife is laughing in the background :)

Last but not least...My cousins, Roby, Ryan, Avery, Grant, and my Uncle Steve.

This is Roby's wife, Amanda. And of course, the scenery. So amazing.

I just wanted to share some of my trip. For more pics, including me immobilized on a couch with a dog because I was so full it hurt, look on facebook. I really have to go visit again soon.

Oh and I have a cool post, to come soon :) YAY

Smiles

2011-11-21T16:44:00.001-08:00

Can I just say that I am way excited to start working in the Progressive Care unit?

I never thought I would be working in a critical care/cardiac setting. It certainly has not ever been my first choice; It still isn't. But after learning the details of what I will be doing, I am looking forward to starting to be hands on and taking care of my patients. I'm going to take care of very sick people. Apparently, this floor is where all the action happens. It will be fast paced, just like my last job, but I will only have 3-4 patients. Do you remember how many I had in NYC? Sometimes up to 8!!! And my nurse manager is probably the coolest guy ever. He was the first one out of my other new orientees' clinical managers to show up and give me my schedule-- giving me Thanksgiving, Christmas, AND New Year's off.

Which brings me to the next topic-- I'm coming home :) December 15th-20th, mark it on your calendars. Jackson's coming with me. We are way excited-- Well, probably me more than him. I will make my family have a faux-christmas morning. I'm so looking forward to this.

And...I get to spend Thanksgiving with family! I happen to have an Aunt that lives in Nevada -- My mom's sister. It is conveniently 2 1/2 hours away from Salt Lake. The last time I've seen her/my cousins has been probably 15-18 years ago. This will be so much fun. They live on a ranch. Reunion time.

Weekday Update, with Amy.

2011-11-16T16:29:00.000-08:00

Not Amy Poehler. There I go with the TV references again. Anyway....

Today was my first week as a nurse in Utah. Things are a little bit different, but most of it is pleasant. I do miss my Lenox Hill crew. But, about 99% of the people I've encountered so far are friendly, nice, sweet, and say 'Hi' to you in the halls if they don't even know you, so that one-up's Lenox Hill in a sense.

Pretty different view compared to Lenox Hill Hospital.

I just ate vegetarian fare....Can I just say it's delicious? I had a sweet potatoes, onions and walnut dish. Who knew that vegetables could be so flavorful. Big shout-out to my roommate Megan who cooks deliciously! She says she uses allrecipes.com for her sweet dishes. I've made one attempt at baking since I've been here. The result was this:

Mmmhmmm.....Smore's cookies. Can't get over them.

Oh by the way...I got a new car. 2006 Honda Accord. It's cute and has heated seats as well as cruise control (way important).

birthdays.

2011-11-06T21:19:00.000-08:00

This past week = Blissful with a little bit of stress.

Last Monday (Halloween) I celebrated my sister Alison's birthday. She is 21 at last. I told Jackson he had to treat me good on Monday...It was a special day for me too, hello!! I became a sister! Do you know how sad that was to give up my 'only child' spot? For the most part (minus the scars on my hands) I have loved being a sister. And having a sister is lovely too.

Jackson is 28. His birthday was November 2nd. Two years to 30, and his second birthday that he has spent with me. I think it was a pretty special week. We ended it with brunch at Sundance, the Foundry Grill. Talk about fancy goodness.

My brother Matthew turned 17 on Friday. Do you know how bittersweet it is to see your little brother grow into an adult? I think it makes it even worse that he's almost 6 feet tall. I told him he isn't allowed to get older anymore. But...When he starts looking at colleges next fall, you know I'll be so excited and make him visit Penn State. Next year. Wow.

Between all the birthday madness, I have moved to Murray. For my east coasters, it's about 10 minutes to downtown Salt Lake City. I live with 3 girls and a dog whose name happens to be the same as my boyfriend's. And, I live in a HOUSE. Not an apartment, a house. I have to keep reminding myself that....I always accidentally say apartment. Oops.

I'm also a pro-gamer. Just kidding, but I purchased an XBox 360 today with a Kinect, and the game Dance Central. I found this gem at a Halloween party out here...I basically tore the house down with my dance moves. So this will keep me busy for a while...Dancing like a crazy person in a basement. Should be fun.

And work starts in one week. I didn't realize that until I looked at my calendar. What in the world?!

2011-10-24T15:21:00.001-07:00

I've become obsessed with the website Pinterest. If you haven't seen it, check it out. It's a lot of fun.

Today, I'm going to try to become ...

More loving.

More understanding.

Less critical.

Less sad.

More happy.

More forgiving.

Just more.

This will be in my house someday.

I still love you, NYC

2011-10-22T21:17:00.000-07:00

Just for tonight, I'm allowing myself to miss New York City.

I just found my last used Metro Card and got a little nostalgic.

No, I didn't have a flashy lifestyle, work at a top PR firm (Lauren, I love you!), or live my life based on Carrie from Sex and the City.

Believe it or not, life as a nurse in New York was not glamorous at all (except for the day I was interning when Amy Poehler had her baby..that's about it). I didn't take care of any gang members or see any gun shot wounds. Homeless people, though...That was my specialty.

But I did eat out every day at some delicious places, pay $1200 in rent a month and managed to live debt free in a City that makes that almost impossible. TAKE that, Occupy Wall Street...It CAN happen!!

I will leave you with two things:

1) I don't like looking at gas prices.

2) I want my bodega on the corner back-- the one that was open 24 hours a day, blizzard/hurricane or not and had a cat that I could pet.

Miss You, New York.

Scared Str8.

2011-10-10T16:06:00.001-07:00

I've found a new favorite website/photo album. I've been laughing all day. So, in the spirit of Halloween, I present to you: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nightmaresfearfactory/ .. You will be laughing your behind off.

A few of my favorites:

Speaking of Halloween...Not looking forward to the back-to-back birthdays:

Ali - October 31st. Twenty-One at last. Forever a devil.

Jackson- November 2nd. He's getting older every year.

Matt- November 4th. 17? No. Refusing to accept that.

'It doesn't matter where you come from, it matters where you go.'

I can't change my past, but I can learn from that and plan my future accordingly! Ya. Profound thought for the day.

Just finished reading: 'Divergent' by Veronica Roth. Thank you Lauren for the suggestion, it was a lovely fast read! Couldn't put it down.

Web Redemption.

2011-10-03T14:52:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately this will not be a Tosh.0 post..Bonus points if you get the reference.

(Oh my..So I go into this planning to write a blog to redeem myself for writing that pathetic post last night, only to refer to a freaking TV show. The irony is too good for me to delete my first statement; I live for irony, even if it's foolish.)

I will not be writing about TV is what I'm saying.

On that note, I'm at my new favorite place for free internet -- Farewell Starbucks and the Provo Public Library. I've found the cutest coffee shop in all of Utah (maybe). I think I like it so much because it reminds me of liberal Ithaca. I may be politically conservative (actually conservative in a lot of ways), but I live for the accepting people of Ithaca, the laid back vibe that I get when I'm there. I could go on about how much I miss about Upstate New York, but back to the topic at hand.

This coffee shop is playing all of my favorite music. It has cozy couches, handmade jewelry for sale, board games to play, used books for $2.00.

I will also put out a little bit of controversy -- I just saw my first openly gay couple in Provo, Mormon capitol of the world. Maybe it's from living with a gay guy for a year, but it kind of melted my heart that amidst all of the criticism that they face here, they aren't scared to be who they want to be. It really does take guts.

I guess I miss the diversity that is in New York. At least I found a tiny piece of it at this cute little coffee place. It's called the Coffee Pod, incase any Provo-ans want to know.

Two Letters: T and V.

2011-10-02T21:24:00.000-07:00

Why am I starting to love television? Am I getting old?

I talked to my grandma today. She told me it was totally normal and that TV was a great thing to occupy your idle time with. Grandma knows best, right?

TV shows I am loving right now/shows that have just ended.

Weeds. I just can't with that season finale. My anxiety was through the roof. Nancyyyyyy!!

Drop Dead Diva. Jane and Grayson? Yes please......

Dexter...Yes for Christopher C. Hall.

The New Girl...I always thought Zooey Deschanel was a little too trendy, but 'The New Girl' is a little too funny to be a little too trendy.

Pan Am....The time period, the hair/costumes, everything about it I love. Add in Christina Ricci; where has she been all my life?! Her voice is still so beautiful to me.

Modern Family. I know everyone knows about them...Cam and Mitchell, the Dunphy's. I am a big Claire fan. If I could be any mom on TV, I'd be her....Actually, I'd be Nancy Botwin minus the weed selling antics. But still, Claire and Phil. So cute.

I just spent so much time on this blog post. I'm semi-embarrassed.

But apparently , this is what has become of me.

Poker Face.

2011-09-26T13:13:00.000-07:00

I'm here. Usual spot in the library, usual time.

There are things I wish I could SCREAM right now..But I'm in a library, so I'll refrain.

Well, I haven't been talking about my job interview on Friday because I get mortified even thinking about it. I am pretty sure I annihilated any chance I had of getting a job there. I had this fright that I have never had before during an interview. That is all I will say about it. Bye (probably), dream job.

I've been driving Jackson's car; I don't think many people know that that is my means of transportation. I drive a Toyota Tacoma. My mom would be so proud; her daughter is now a truckin' girl. This is my keychain.

A cat and a library card on my keychain. I think this is an accurate depiction of my life. Up for interpretation.

Parks and Recreation is back on TV. I have become so addicted to television shows: Parks and Rec, New Girl, Modern Family, Drop Dead Diva, Weeds..... This is unhealthy, but it is SO fun. I am getting old.

If you want to laugh for 30 seconds... Click here. I love Amy Poehler.

On a completely unrelated note, I think this quote is quite lovely.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

—	Eleanor Roosevelt (You Learn By Living)

(Now that I think about it...I can relate this to my terrible, awful, horrible interview situation..)

Talents.

2011-09-21T15:18:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to --

'Motorcycle Drive By' - Third Eye Blind.

From this blog, "Stuff No One Told Me....but I learned anyway"

I have this special talent. It's actually not hidden; My old roommate was well aware of it and hated it. Here it is: I am SO good at ignoring alarms. I am absolutely amazing at pressing the snooze button and only being vaguely aware of doing it half the time. I am also especially talented at sleeping for at least 11 hours a day.

My brother thinks I'm very talented at Tiny Towers. It's an app on the iPhone...Let's just say, well, I agree with him. I am the QUEEN of spare time.

I personally think I'm pretty talented at reading. I'm reading 'Mistborn' by Brandon Sanderson right now. My long lost friend from Maryland that I met in summer camp 9 years ago who is obsessed with fantasy told me to read it. I was hesitant; isn't fantasy for nerds? Oh wait, I forgot for a second that I AM one! It is so good. I would suggest it for beginner fantasy readers like me. You'll want more. And more.

Hm..I tried In N' Out for the second time today. While eating it, I realized maybe in the past I was being too critical-- Maybe the West Coasters are right, gosh this is pretty good. 10 minutes later, my body told me no, it is not good. Never will I eat In N' Out again. Hours later, my stomach is still hurting, I'm feeling dehydrated, my head hurts, and I am tired. My body is really picky on what food it likes. However, I am not. My body hates me. We do not get along. Thank you, body for forcing me to make lists of restaurants/fast food places I can and cannot eat at. It also affects my friends and family when they are with me. Good. A couple on the list (thank GOODNESS McDonald's is miraculously NOT on the list):

1) Shake Shack -- so depressing.

2) A & W.

3) Qdoba

4)Chipotle

5) Simon's (or any Japanese Steakhouse)-- and I love that food.

The list goes on....

I spend the majority of my weekdays at the library. *A little girl is log rolling across the library floor right now. It looks like she is convulsing. But, she just got up. Oh wait, she's down again....* this is my life. On repeat. Throw some screaming babies in there, and you can easily picture my library experiences. If your kid is crying, wouldn't you walk out of the general area that is supposed to be quiet? Ya know, cradle them, soothe them, walk them in the hallways until they calm down? But no....This is not real life. This is a dream world. On a brighter note, I got complimented by my 'next seat neighbor' that I am the fastest typer he has ever seen in his life.

Why, thank you. Thank you very much.

miss.

2011-09-16T13:44:00.001-07:00

I miss H&M.

I miss having everything within walking distance.

I miss having a McDonald's around the corner, along with any other place I could ever DREAM of to eat (why is McDonald's always the first thing I think of?

I miss public transportation. That or having my own car would be nice.

I miss having drawers to use.

I miss my family.

I miss being around a culture that I am familiar with.

At the same time, I miss being around an array of cultures.

I miss having a job.

I miss my coworkers (most of them).

I miss being a nurse full time.

I miss the concrete jungle of New York...

And I miss the green and beauty of Upstate New York.

I miss familiarity...Having a sense of direction, knowing where I am going.

I will give it time. It will take getting used to. I have to try to be positive...But right now, it's just not happening.

Thus, this ends the negative nancy post.

I just am missing a lot today.

Library fun.

2011-09-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am. Utah.

To be specific, currently at the Provo City Library. This is seriously the only place I know how to get to besides Jackson's place of work. Why must Utah roads be so confusing to an easterner like me?

Help, I'm surrounded by mountains! First, a side view...Last, a picture of Jackson's backside..I mean, the view across the street from the place I am staying at.

My little baby Kindle's screen stopped working mid plane ride. I almost lost it right there. Actually I did...I was homesick, sad, and clutching my pillow pet (the mini ones make for an AWESOME travel pillow). I looked like such a child.

My Lady Bug Pillow Pet!!!!! 4 years old.

But thankfully, Amazon is amazing and after an extremely short and pleasant phone call, I had a free replacement sent to me immediately. So, no bad words for Amazon OR Kindles. However, I did cheat and buy a few books at Barnes and Noble...That place, the smell, the way I could spend hours there....Ahh.

I've applied to about 4 trillion jobs and have gotten no bites. Great. I am not losing hope yet...But still. Agh, it's already been a week and I feel as if I am starting to get sick of this nothingness.

This is a public PLEA. If you are in the Salt Lake/Provo area, please help me get a nursing job. I'm a good nurse, I swear. I am desperate. Call anyone you know.

I'm Movin' Out.

2011-09-08T12:45:00.000-07:00

Funny how quite a few of my blog post titles happen to be from Billy Joel masterpieces. That or Ben Folds (see most recent, 'Rockin' the Suburbs'). Thanks Mr. Joel and Mr. Folds. /end tangent.

Upon observation of the picture above, you can see that packing has now officially commenced. No, this mess is not due to Hurricane Irene or Lee. Although TRUE story: My brother's first day of 11th grade started out with a two hour delay because of crazy flooding here. LUCKYYY (Matt and I have been watching too much Napoleon Dynamite lately). I figured today is as good of a day as any to start packing.....2 days before. Procrastination at it's absolute finest.

Packing can be a lot of fun whilst web-camming with a lovely boyfriend. He probably learned some things about me he didn't want to know. Like, maybe I smell my clothes to check if they're clean. Does anyone else do this? Oh, the things he is in for.....

On a serious note, please keep Hershey, PA and the surrounding areas in your prayers. I spent the majority of 2 years there (2008-2010). There is massive flooding...Along with areas around where I live as well, but Hershey/Harrisburg has it bad. This is the entrance of Hershey Park. It's only supposed to get worse.

On a cooler note,

Just check this hotness out. I used to be such a babe. Yes, those are custom-made scrubs that have musical notes on them because I played piano. Yes, those are owl glasses. Yes, I went to work with my dad and saw brain surgery that day. #Destined2BeaNurse4e.

Untitled for now.

2011-09-06T10:43:00.000-07:00

Excuse my blog. I try to design it and be creative...Instant fail. I tried! I give up! So frustrating. I'm leaving anything web-related up to Jackson. I'm a nerd in different ways...Reading, anything health-related, and an app on my phone called Tiny Towers. That's it.

What have I been doing since I've been home/unemployed?

Sleeping in until 12 or 1pm everyday.

And I get to sleep next to this guy every night...I have to wake him up when I do; He's lazy too. He has about half my bed and his own pillow to sleep on. What a baby.

Going bowling with my sister, brother, and mom and getting the lowest score each round. In my world, the lower the better.

Can you guess which score is mine? ...Hoping that you don't catch on that my name is the only one starting with an A, and that you can't read the number 33.

Being a "Lake Bum" (as Jackson lovingly refers to me as)...I can't help it. I'm in love with lakes, boats and doing nothing!

And apparently I'm easy to make friends with. Especially little kid friends. My brother thought this was really funny.

Driving occasionally. Dropping off my brother to his girlfriend's, (he is nice enough to let me 'borrow' my old car..), Wal Mart, late night Taco Bell runs, etc.

Evidence that my brother is nice enough to leave me notes at 12pm (I was sleeping) to let me know he is taking the car. And he still says Love you....The best 16-going-on-17 year old brother ever.

I just got done uploading so many amazing pictures from my summer/NYC that I haven't gotten to share yet. This will happen soon. Maybe I should start packing. Official fly-out date: Saturday, September 10th. Yep, that's in 4 days. I better get started.

Rockin' The Suburbs.

2011-09-01T10:53:00.000-07:00

If this isn't suburbia, I don't know what is.

Right now, I'm sitting on a lawn chair on my dad's deck. It's sunny, Taz is playing in the yard...So relaxing.

I'm listening to The Civil Wars right now. If you haven't heard them, check them out. Their music is mellow/intense/haunting/beautiful. I seldom buy albums online, but this was $6 well spent. They vaguely remind me of the Damien Rice/Lisa Hannigan duo.

My last day of work was bittersweet. It ended up being on Sunday, the day of the apocalyptic hurricane Irene that was not apocalyptic at all minus the fact that every single business was closed for the hurricane. Manhattan was like a ghost town, I had never seen it like that before. It took me 15 minutes to get a cab to work on a silent Sunday. I ended up sharing a cab with a guy who thought it was necessary to play his slow jams on his cell phone for everyone to hear. I'm just thankful I got a taxi and made it on time to work, and for the free breakfast that awaited me. I love getting food for free. It was such a relaxing last day of work. It was the funniest thing though, seeing everyone who had spent the whole weekend there. I called it the Lenox Hill slumber party. At around 4pm, the night shifters were walking around in their pajamas (some oddly mismatched). I feel like I got to know them by what they chose to wear as their PJs. It was hilarious. Robes, cartoon PJ pants, oh the list goes on. It was so cute, too -- The girls made a hospital room into their own 'bedroom'. They slept on the hospital beds, 3 beds to a room. It was oddly home-y looking.

I will really miss everyone. I got to go out to dinner after with some of the "young" girls from work, and it was a really nice way to leave. As awkward as I felt first starting work there, I really got to know and love a lot of my coworkers. Most of them were so helpful.

I no longer live in Zoo 210 (our loving nickname for the apartment building), THANK GOODNESS. Jackson came for the weekend -- I thanked my lucky stars that his flight got cancelled on Sunday night because he ended up staying until Tuesday, the day that I officially moved out. How lucky I am that he wasn't afraid to get on his hands and knees and clean that place. I swore that if I had to clean up mice droppings I would puke. He cleaned everything. He's a keeper for sure.

This was our Hurricane gear: Garbage bag outfits that we designed ourselves. We had to get creative since I had no umbrella. They break so easily, I can never get myself to buy them.

One last song -- I can't help myself.

Manic Monday Meltdown.

2011-08-15T16:42:00.001-07:00

Well, first off my phone has been ringing nonstop - 17 phone calls a day, give or take - and I'm about to go crazy. My buzzer is currently buzzing nonstop, brokers show up unexpected to come take a look at our apartment. Hello, we will give advice to NOT sell this condemned apartment!!

Now that that's off my chest...(and two phone calls later, within the past 4 minutes)

I have two weeks to pack up everything and go home. HOW?! So scared, but so excited.

First stop: Horseheads. How long? I have yet to figure that out. I am the world's biggest procrastinator -- For Example: I drop off my laundry today at 12pm. It's finished within three hours, but I have (choose) to wait until 5:55 pm to pick it up, 5 minutes before it closes. Oops.

Packing, cleaning, so much working, that will be my life for the next two weeks. Maybe, just maybe trying to find a flight to get out to Utah.

I am literally starting with nothing but some money and a few suitcases. It will be quite the adventure. And no, I will not be living on the streets.

My Life: Chapter 4.

2011-08-04T12:43:00.000-07:00

If I could sum up my life in a book (definitely abridged) there would be three major chapters so far. Right now, I am going to introduce to the world the fourth chapter that has yet to be written, but is in the making.

Chapter One: Childhood.

There would be many sections to this chapter. It was bittersweet. It was growing up.

Chapter Two: College.

Actually, every chapter is growing up. I'll never stop growing up (tangent). But this section is self-explanatory. Four years ending with a Bachelor's Degree. This would be split into four sections, each shockingly different than the rest.

Chapter Three: New York City (beginning of adulthood).

It was a love/hate relationship. I am a nurse at a prestigious hospital in Manhattan, I learned and became competent (not to mention confident) in my job. I met a best friend. I met a man that I love. Overall, I had a blast.

The new chapter that I will begin 'writing' at the beginning of September is:

Chapter Four: I'm moving to Utah.

I put in my four week's notice. My last official day as a New York City nurse will be August 29th, 2011. It is sad, but it is necessary. Overall, I am just exhausted from the fast pace of one of the busiest cities in the world. I will miss it so much, but everyone from work says I fail as a City girl because I am too nice (I take that as a compliment). I will miss having everything within walking distance...I am a block away from: an Italian restaurant, multiple drug stores, a bank, a park, a library, Chinese food, Mexican food (see the food pattern?), a post office, shopping, so close to Herald Square. I have lived in the heart of Times Square. I have had the pleasure of working with the homeless, tourists who speak no English, patients I will always love and pray for. But I need something new. I need to do this for myself.

Why Utah? I've fought for more than a few months with the thought of moving out there. Many people know that my boyfriend lives there. I didn't want to be that girl that moved out for that guy. But I know in my heart that this is the right that it is the right decision for me; this is the next step. I will ALWAYS be an East Coast girl. I KNOW I will be back on the East Coast someday (hopefully within a couple of years, fingers crossed), but for now, this is a good fit. It's a huge move. I don't have a job yet, don't have an apartment, but I do have some money saved up and a whole lot of hope, as well as support.

I love you all. I love New York. But here I go, into the next chapter.

For the Beauty of the earth.

2011-07-26T15:12:00.000-07:00

I'm at the lake with my dad. Nothingness, water, sun, boat for 7 days. Literally just what I've been needing for so long.

This will be short, and a list since listing thoughts are easy(-ier?).

Things I love (right now):

1) Reading...reading has accounted for about 95% of my vacation thus far. 'The Alchemist' was the most recent one. Beautiful, I highlighted basically 3/4 of the book, and to know that it was published in 1988 made it all the more better. Also, goodreads. Also, my kindle.

2) Water and having the ability to jump in any time I want, especially in this high heat.

3) I'm getting out of my lease/moving (where? to be continued...). There are many complications, but in Billy Joel's words, "I'm Moving Out".

4) my iPhone, for helping us get back to the cottage after a late night boat ride and forgetting where exactly the cottage was located. My dad even expressed his thankfulness for it.

5) Sea glass and sea shells with beautiful and mysterious paintings on the back, found at the shore. I'm collecting sea glass. What will I do with it? I'm not sure yet. Suggestions are welcomed.

6) Barbecues. Yum.

7) This beautiful cottage. So cutely decorated, it's almost 90 years old. Such a gem. I want to own a little cute place like this to retire in someday.

8) I guess my favorite word is beautiful. But that's what life is...

Never have I ever been reduced to tears while looking at a sun setting (that's probably a lie, but I can't remember). But I did the other night while on the boat. A hymn came to my mind, which has been rare as of late. "For the Beauty of the Earth"...

For the beauty of the earth,

For the beauty of the skies,

For the love which from our birth
Over and around us lies....

Well, I'll end with that. I think it sums up how I'm feeling right now.

Oh, and I'm thankful for my dad for giving me a great vacation. Thanks, dad!

grateful.

2011-07-12T20:21:00.000-07:00

I had a horribly long day. My feet ache. So I decided, what better time than now to write a "What I am grateful for" list?

What am I grateful for right now?

For a best-boyfriend, Jackson- it sure has been a lovely, challenging, rewarding one year with you.

For a best friend, Lauren-- For being there for each other even though the distance between the Eastside and Westside of Manhattan seems like an eternity away.

For my BFF(in school) Nichole....Catching up, our new matching "I heart JM" shirts. I miss you already.

For my life. For my health-- Which I need to take a little bit more care of.

For books-- Getting lost in a story.

For hugs at work. You probably won't ever read this, but thank you so much Shaniqua, you made my day. And on top of that, filing my papers...An angel of a clerk.

For the man that risked his elbow to pry open the door for me on the subway. I made sure to thank you twice, once after, and once as I was leaving incase you didn't realize how long an extra 10 minutes goes for me.

For my dad, for booking a cottage on the Lake. Where I will relax, and read, and boat, and sleep. Repeat.

What's New.

2011-07-10T22:59:00.000-07:00

It's been a month since I've written. Oops.

Lots of being busy.

Lots of work.

Some vacation, two trips home, one trip to Utah.

That's a lot of stuff.

I wish I was quick with uploading pictures, but unfortunately I am lazy and sit on my computer doing everything but that. I think the highlights are these:

I went home for two days. I drove my grandma's car home and enjoyed a lovely road trip through upstate New York. Have I mentioned that I miss driving so much? When I got home, I saw my sister. I feel like these meetings have become rare. It was so nice to see her. We went to one of my favorite places on earth, the gorges/waterfalls of Ithaca, NY.

This is one of the most beautiful spots of Fall Creek. The abandoned building-- I went to go visit it. It was torn down. I was very sad.

But fortunately, the beauty lives on in Ithaca. There are so many more beautiful spots like this. I made my sister climb down and up the waterfalls (I think she thought I was crazy/who knew I could be a daredevil sometimes), just so we could go under one and feel the water pounding over us. It's one of those moments where you feel lucky to be alive and be living on an earth that is so glorious and beautiful.

I went to Utah. I biked my first time on a tandem bike with Jackson --Who knew they made mountain bike tandem-style? We rode along the Provo River. We did not know that the river flooded at one point on the trail and we ended up knee deep in water while on the bike (a tandem bike at that). It was pretty funny. I don't think I'll ever forget that moment, we laughed until we cried!

I woke up at 5am on July 4th, scheduled to work and homesick. I called and asked for the day off because I knew the hospital wasn't busy. They graciously gave me the day off, and I took the first bus headed for home. It was only for the night, but I had such a wonderful time. I went on Keuka Lake on the boat with my dad, my little brother Matt and Taz (my dad's cute, crazy dog). I met up with my BFF since 2nd grade, Nichole. It was lovely...I hadn't seen her in almost a year, see what being a grown up does to you?!? Nonsense. I even came and surprised her extended family-- They are literally my second aunts, uncles, cousins, and I love them all so much.

I've realized how much I appreciate and love the beauty of Upstate New York, family, what I will always call home. The High School me would have never believed me. Maybe one day I'll end up back there....

Jackson came this weekend. We celebrated what will be our one year of being together as of next weekend. It was wonderful. We went to the place we first met, walked around Battery Park, had dinner, were lazy and reminisced. It is crazy to look back on how much we have grown this past year together.

This was taken yesterday at Battery Park. I had to force him to smile :)

I'll try to be better about more updates.

For now, this is my life. I am pretty content.

i am Me.

2011-06-10T17:23:00.000-07:00

That's me.

(Pretty sure you know that if you're reading this)

I have crazy curly hair.

Thanks to the New York City heat wave/humidity 100%, It is even crazier.

Does it make me crazy sometimes? Yes. Would I change it? No. It is me.

I have my dad's eyes.

I have white teeth.

I have chapped lips.

I am me.

I have air conditioning blowing on my back right now..This makes me happy.

After 10 months of living in the City with no couch, I finally got to sit back with Kevin and watch a movie....On our free couch, in front of a TV and not a laptop. That made me happy. And for once, Kevin liked my movie choice. Thank you, sociology class for making me become obsessed with the 1971 Stanford Prison Experiment. It helped me bond with my roommate.

I have a 4 day weekend. Happiness.

Bye for now.

Spelling confusion with a "k"

2011-05-31T19:57:00.001-07:00

I was walking home tonight from work...The same sidewalks as always. Everything familiar to me. On the verge of tears.

I remembered how many times this has happened in the past year.

Crying, in the past because I was homesick, crying because my heart aches for my patients, crying because work is so hard sometimes.

But now I found myself crying because I have no one to come home to....To talk to, to share my day with. No best friend.

It reminds me of that Dane Cook skit, where he talks about how you're on the verge of tears all day, and you just can't wait to go home and sob. And cry and cry. And know you're not going to fall asleep, yet it's all you want to do.

Right now, I'm listening to sad songs that I used to listen to in high school.

Konstantine, Walking By, Something Corporate.

The memories. The memories of when I thought I was so emo/sad...But in reality, those were the best moments of my life.

UGHHhhhh.....

I hate being like this.

On top of that, I'm sunburnt and I hear mice in my kitchen but am terrified to go look.

Okay...This is turning into a pity party.

Sorry, bye.

Inspiration.

2011-05-28T19:47:00.000-07:00

Can I just say that heart to hearts with my Dad can be so therapeutic?

I said it. I mean it.

On another note...Being a friend-nurse pays (not money-wise, love-wise).

I've told you that every patient I have come into contact with has been a friend, some way or another..

Now that I work on days, their families have become my friends, too.

My patient a few days ago..I learned that he was a personal trainer, in love with fitness and muscle magazines. Coincidentally, the previous tenant in my apartment was too. I have been receiving body builder magazines since I have been here. I took these magazines sitting on my counter idly and gave him them to read while he was undergoing radiation and chemo. I told him I loved to read, but not that kind of stuff...He laughed.

The other family/patient in the room heard that I loved reading...I asked what they liked to read. They showed me the current book that they were reading, "Unbroken", a previous NYT best seller. The next day, the family member left me a note and two books and the note said it was for me to keep. She finished it and wanted to give it to me.

I am so blessed by my patients.

This, this has all been a reminder of the blessings that I have just from talking with my dad. Thanks, dad. You are more of an inspiration to me than you will ever know.

"Keep on keeping on."

We both will survive.

Broken

2011-05-28T16:45:00.001-07:00

Really broken.

I've never been this real before, but my life is a wreck.

I usually post good things on this blog....My life is so beautiful yet 99.5% of the time it doesn't feel that way.

I'm glad the 0.5% is documented on this blog. I want to remember those moments where I feel alive.

But right now, I don't.

Empty. Broken. Heart hurts. Can't explain the way that it feels, because it hurts so much.

I need to be more honest, more open with myself and my problems. But it feels like I can't on here.

I have a new e-pal (pen pals through e-mail, obviously). Her name is Shay. I met her I think through the grace of God. We bonded because we both had tattoos on our foot and were Mormons going to institute in the Middle of Nowhere, Pennsylvania. But, I think our meeting was meant for a much more deeper purpose than that. She knows the pain I feel. She's been through it herself. I am so thankful for that. At least there is something positive in this post.

I am in the process of trying to be open to those who mean so much to me. Lauren, you're next. I've hesitated-- I put on a facade, I try to be happy.

There are so many things I need to work out in this broken life of mine. But my heart is broken. Which leads to me trying to fix myself. Nursing is my job. But I also need to nurse my heart before I nurse anyone else.

Work in progress. That is me.

Progress will begin.....But man, it's so hard.

I am ruining a relationship that is so important to me.

A person that I love.

That I have trusted more than anyone else in this world.

He walked away, he couldn't take it anymore.

Do I blame him? No.

Did I try to change his mind? Yes.

Was I successful? No.

I don't blame him.

But it hurts. It aches.

It hurts so much.

Tears fall down my face as I write this.....

I've never been this honest, this real on this blog...But this is a cry for help.

Please pray for me. Keep me in your prayers. I am self-destructing. I feel helpless.

Feeling helpless is in my opinion, the worst, most miserable feeling in the world. Feeling like there is nothing I can do. And I can't do anything.

I give up.

Proof.

2011-05-25T16:45:00.001-07:00

I figured I would add some pictures to prove that I'm here.....What I ramble about exists. City living. Friend without the "s".

Proof that I get out on rare occasions. Last week (or was it 2 weeks ago?) I went to a Yankees game for a ward activity. I've been lucky enough to have gone to a few since 2009 in the same stadium.

Proof that I have a friend. See, Lauren. The blonde girl. Love.

Proof that I'm not the only Gaga fan in the City. Disregard the mustache.

Proof that the sun exists. In my happy place, happily reading in the Central Park Plaza rooftop that I've talked so highly about. The sun, the empire state building so close....

Be back later.

Something about this place...

2011-05-24T21:53:00.000-07:00

Life has been a roller coaster lately.

Work has been filled with crazy experiences that I would NEVER have gotten anywhere else but

a) on a Med/Surg floor

and

b) in New York City.

I cannot help but laugh maniacally at the end of a 3 day weekend...Filled with stuff which I cannot say. But I laugh. If you don't laugh, you won't make it. I see everything. I see life, death, recovery, the bad, the good...I meet family members that I form a bond with, and patients that I will never forget. They will forever have my love. They have touched my heart in ways that I cannot explain.

Back in the day...I swore that I would NEVER work on a med/surg floor. Now, I truly KNOW that it has helped me learn so much about nursing and life in general.

I've seen and listened to the first breath of a child coming into the world.

I have held the hand of someone on the brink of death.

Amazing.

Enough with this nursing rant.

My curly hair is frizzing to the max.

This means the heat is coming.

80 degrees....My body was in shock coming home from work tonight.

This means summer is coming....Please let this lead to a beach.

I need escape. Vacation. Beauty that involves nature and not sky scrapers.

New Lady Gaga CD came out.

Want to know how lazy I am?

I'm in love with her....She was 20 blocks from my apartment last night in Union Square. Did I go to the CD signing?

No....I didn't want to deal with those overrated crowds.

//hipster.

I've been emo lately. "Something's Missing" by John Mayer playing and replaying in my head constantly.

But I'd like to thank my blog, for letting me remember that even though I feel like there is so much bad, I have so much happiness I should be cherishing.

Day by Day...Year by Year.

2011-05-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

Big milestones in my life are coming up.

Getting this out of the way (but so happy)... I saw my dad on Saturday night. He came to the city just to have dinner with me after I got out of work at 8:30pm. (he was in Yonkers to visit my grandma). It was so nice. I like it when home comes to me sometimes, and he is one of my favorite parts of home, because he is my dad. We went to an Italian place a half of a block from my apartment. I wanted to take Jackson there this weekend (he is coming this weekend...I can't contain my excitement)...But I'm glad I tried it out before he came, because he would not be able to fit inside of the restaurant...Literally. The ceiling had to have been 6'0 at most...Which makes it the cutest most adorable little place ever. But, it just wouldn't work for 6'4 Jackson. Oops.

On to the milestones....

In 5 days it will mark the one year anniversary of me graduating from Penn State. One year since I became a grown up. One year since one of the best, most happiest days of my life. I honestly cannot believe it. I am so proud that I went to a great school (I can't thank my dad enough) and that I graduated in under 4 years. I have accomplished a lot. I am humbly proud of that.

Second, oh my. I have almost been living in New York for one entire year. If you count the 3 months I spent living here and doing my internship in summer of 2009, that's more than a year. Wow. I am so lucky to be here. To be living here, working here...I remember when I was a new freshman in college and I decided I wanted to do nursing. My dad told me to visit my cousin Jennifer and follow her for a day, he told me she's a nurse in the heart of New York City. I pictured this place...So foreign, so freaking cool. I remember the kind of feeling that I felt when I walked out of the subway and went to interview for my externship....A New York City hospital?! How cool is this?! And then in 2010, it became routine. But I am still so happy that I have had this experience. Some days, I wish I still had that "foreign feeling". But in my heart, I am truly grateful.....And humbled that I have had this great experience. Not much can compare to this. And....Lauren is living here now. What a lovely bonus. I finally have a girl friend!! AND my best friend at that.

Lauren and I .....Thanks RS yoga. And um, thanks Lauren for hooking me up with some random guy you met in a taxi from JFK :)

Years fly by so fast....I'm so glad I have a good memory. I can savor the moments of high school (which sometimes I long for), and (hopefully) remember those of today.

I really remember that day with perfect clarity. (And SAM, and CARLY). Highschool..Yeah.

One lucky girl I am.

Diversification. Urban Living.

2011-05-03T20:33:00.000-07:00

Lauren is back in New York City, for good this time.

For some reason, Lauren makes New York City magical for me. I don't know how, but it only happens whenever she is here.

Lauren is my best friend. She makes me into one of the best live-in tourists around.

To start off our reunion, we went to the Target in Spanish Harlem. Oh my.....It was quite the experience getting there. It was a half of a mile walk from the subway to the store. It was such a cool culture shock. Everything was in Spanish, there was a walk-up McDonald's order window, there was a "live poultry" store that smelled like a zoo (aka you go there, they kill the chicken, you get to pridefully bring it home for dinner), we stuck out like sore thumbs. But it was such a great experience and area. I would love to go spend more time there. I stood and looked around me in Spanish Harlem, and I was aware of all of the kids around me. Being raised there to me seems unfathomable, but so many are and I am intrigued...It is really something I would love to learn about.

That's the most amazing this about this city is the diversity. You don't see it until you step outside of your neighborhood or borough boundaries...And then you see the beauty of it. I feel so lucky.

I started taking the bus again today. It seems that I coincide either with taking the bus either during summer or with Lauren. I like to think Lauren, because she makes me travel a lot, considering she lives across town. So I took the bus uptown to dinner and enjoyed every minute of it. Something is soothing about it. Maybe it's the cellphone service that isn't attained being underground, maybe it's just overall a bit more peaceful and slow paced than the subway. Either way, I like it. We went to dinner at Delizia Ristorante on 74th and 1st Ave. It was pretty good. We are food adventurists.

Gross story of the day.......

Remember when you went to college (or grew up and moved away from home)? Mom and Dad gave me a big plastic container for my dorm to put food in. I stored it under my bed.

Fast forward to when I live(d) in New York City. I haven't told anyone this because I have been absolutely terrified, but I have been waking up to strange noises in the morning from under my bed. Scratching sounds. I know they are mice. But WHAT do they want from me?! I don't keep food in my room!

Fast forward to today...Me cleaning under my bed (finally a day off). I find a single box of Ramen Noodles. It was sealed, vaccutained, boxed, never touched. I must have put it in my room to take to work, forgotten it, and then it got mistakenly pushed under the bed to never be remembered. Well, it was remembered today. It certainly made its' mark. As I retrieved it, it looked basically unopened. Then, I found a hole. To my absolute horror, a mouse had found a way to take out and eat every single part (including the spices...eeek) of the cup of ramen noodles. Not a remnant of ramen, noodles, or powder left. Just styrofoam and plastic.

Moral of the story: I will always remember the plastic container to put food in whenever I need to store food under my bed...hopefully that is never.

Happy...Easter?

2011-04-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter.

I'll tell you a little bit about my Easter celebration.

It started out in a hospital from 8am-8:30pm. I'm officially on the day shift. I see daylight. I sat outside and basked in the overcast sunlight. It was lovely and my patients were angels. Tomorrow I'll probably be preaching a different story.

The night ended with me wanting to treat myself with a nice Easter dinner...But then I realized that no places were open since it is Easter Sunday.

I cave and go to a deli, where I tell the man to surprise me. He gives me a tuna sandwich on a kaiser roll with roasted peppers (which actually complements tuna wonderfully). What a great surprise. Thanks, deli guy.

I then continue on my stroll home in the pouring rain with no umbrella, and decide I'm too hungry to wait and that I don't want to eat in my bed like I usually do. So I walk and eat my tuna fish sandwich. I thought about how very few people can say that they celebrated their Easter by walking in the pouring rain eating a deli sandwich by themselves. I laughed at myself.

Laughing is a good remedy to loneliness sometimes.

I know I talk about my Kindle like every blog post, but it's a good topic starter/something to find in common with people you feel awkward around. Who knew that my coworker was a closet-reader who read the same stuff I do? Love awkward moments waiting for the subway.

Do mice like chocolate? This is a question I've wanted to look up on Yahoo! Answers but have been too embarrassed to. Especially since my Easter basket is sitting in the living room.

I just took a shower...And didn't wash my hair. I still put it up in a towel, and just realized that that was not necessary at all.

These are random-isms of an extremely tired nurse.

exhausted amy-isms.

2011-04-21T06:23:00.000-07:00

One more night shift to work until I become a human again.

One day in between to recover.

I will be in zombie mode on Sunday. That's Easter, by the way.

Yesterday, I was in Grand Central Station at Rite Aid. A homeless man on a motor scooter was cruising near the pharmacy, while I was impatiently waiting for my prescription to be ready. The motor scooter guy was singing and singing. Then I notice he starts pouring boxes and boxes of Tylenol PM and Advil PM into his coat and Duane Reade bags. A-What.....What would you do as a bystander? Well....I had no idea. And I was deliriously tired from working. I stood there, pretended I didn't see (felt so guilty for that), and looked for employees. Thankfully, another one saw. The cops were there in 0.3 seconds, and were rolling the Tylenol thief away. Is there an underground Tylenol PM drug ring that I don't know about? Anyway...That was an awkward New York moment. Let's be honest...Only in New York.

After the Shins started playing on my iPod this morning, I realized that I really want to watch the movie Garden State again. That's one of my favorite movies. I love Natalie Portman and Zach Braff. It's such a beautiful movie.

I'm becoming immune to caffeine. This is a problem. I am also becoming addicted. I need it. Dr. Pepper, Starbucks (too expensive), Dunkin' Donuts, Snapple. Give it all to me.

I miss this one guy. I'm pretty dang happy with him. Love can be really lovely sometimes....It's been 9 months. Whoa. :)

A photo of a photo of a photo...Someday I will upload the original (when I get a new computer)...But. This is it. Take it or leave it.

Daughters.

2011-04-16T07:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I cry. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Don't cry, Amy" when I've been working from my coworkers. How embarrassing. Does anyone else have this problem? Doubt it.

Sometimes I care too much. And maybe that's why I have a tendency to tear up a lot. I can't go into details but...Sometimes I look at these people, think "hey that could be my family member....". Instantly I love them. If anyone treats them in a way that isn't less than exceptional care, I get really upset. Anger = emotion. Emotion = tears.

So....It's 9am on a Saturday. No one is awake. I'm walking home from the subway, on the verge of tears every step I take. I can't think of anyone else to call, so I call my dad and instantly, the tears are coming...Again. I'm sobbing on the corner of 38th and 3rd, complaining about the entire night (I didn't even make it to my apartment, a half of a block away, hate my life). I know it must have been a weird conversation for him to wake up to...But I just needed someone to listen.

He was there. Here I am, a grown up girl, needing a shoulder to cry on....I'm glad it was my Dad's.

I'm crying again as I write this....

I am now 23 years old. I still can't believe that sometimes. It's hard to believe I have a full time job....And that I live on my own. I knew it would happen someday, but not this fast. Sometimes it's really hard not to be able to see my family whenever I want. I hate distance. Sometimes I hate being an adult.

Maybe this whole blog entry is childish...But I had to.

I think I'll always be a daddy's girl.

So Dad, I know that I'm a grown up now, but I will always be your little girl. I'm glad I still have you to talk to when I'm miles and miles away when no one is there (or awake yet, ha). You're a really good listener. P.S. I'm glad I look just like you.

----------------

On a related note (kind of), I watched a 10 minute clip about a teenaged girl with autism who found her voice through typing on a computer. Much to the surprise of her family, she was a gifted individual with a talent for writing. She could express her feelings in a way that she never could before. Her parents finally saw how grateful she was for their help. I cried like a little girl when she typed this on her computer during her documentary. It didn't help that I had just gotten off the phone with my dad.

These were her words, not mine...But I had to share.

"Dear Dad,

I love when you read to me. And I love that you believe in me. I know I am not the easiest kid in the world. However you are always there for me, holding my hand and picking me up. I love you."

It's that time for another John Mayer reference.

home/artichokes

2011-04-11T18:14:00.000-07:00

I love my family.

I loved everything about this weekend-- Especially waking up to beautiful weather and the birds chirping. It beats the heck out of honking and the loud music of cars waiting at the red light outside of my bedroom window.

I loved waking up to a cat purring in my ear.

I loved eating Sunday morning breakfast bagels outside on the patio, just talking with my dad and sister while Taz ran around the backyard.

Oh how I long for a green backyard with lots of trees and space to run and play.

Love, love, love.

If you ever want to win me over, buy me an Amazon Gift Card. I think that was my favorite birthday gift...Besides the 10th row center tickets to see Wicked. That was a pretty sweet gift too.

By the way....Indefinitely turned into 2 weeks...But I guess it's okay. Rolling with the punches.

I love Artichoke Pizza. "The" Artichoke Pizza...As in the pizza shop on East 14th Street. You haven't lived until you've clogged your arteries with their gigantic, cream saucy slice of artichoke pizza. If you need the details...You know where to find me.

Here's to.

2011-04-04T07:28:00.000-07:00

Here's to me turning 23 in two days....

But wishing I were still this little girl instead.

If you must know, I'm hugging that same teddy bear right now.

Balance.

2011-03-28T05:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, life throws some terrible, unexpected things at you.

How I long to be with my Mom, to comfort her and tell her that life will go on.

I wish I could look after her and take care of her like she did with me when I was little.

I would love to have a girl's night...Just me, Ali, and Mom (maybe Kevin's invited too....).

If I could tell my Mom two things right now:

1) It's not your fault. You did all you could. He knows you cared about him more than anything, and always will.

2) Take care of yourself. Matt, Ali and I don't want to lose you. We are here for you.

I cannot even imagine losing someone special to me so unexpectedly.

Prayers for my Mom.

---------

But then, sometimes life will throw some great things at you.

I woke up on Friday morning at 8am to my bedroom door creaking open. I'm blind without my glasses, so I figure it's Kevin. Actually, it was Jackson. This was decided after a minute of staring at him, realizing, 'this guy is bigger than Jackson...Wait, stripes! That's Jackson's sweatshirt'. He came to surprise me all the way from Utah.

The first thing that comes out of my sleepy mouth?

"Wait...Why are you here?"

What a lovely first thing to say.

He told me that he had a return flight Monday, but he might not take it.

After some serious contemplating, he didn't.

He's here indefinitely, staying with a friend and working from his apartment.

I'm not getting my hopes up, but I am pretty happy that I get to see him more than once or twice a month. It's a big sacrifice on his part, I know. But I am very thankful. I am excited to go on fun NYC dates that we missed out on since he was only here for 2 months of us dating before he was back out in Utah.

Therefore, life is all about balance.

Take the good with the bad.

Love, learn, live. In that order.

Quoting John Mayer,

I Know the Heart of Life is Good

But really....

2011-03-17T06:52:00.000-07:00

Tonight was a big test of patience for me.

That's why they call them "patients", right?

A couple of nights ago, a nurse assistant stopped me...."You're not from New York City, are you girl?"....I smile, "No, I'm from a small town in upstate New York"....Her response "GIRL you need to toughen up, you act too nice for a City like this!"

It's true. People will use you until your last ounce of existence if you are a pushover, and this is especially true here.

Now that I think of it, maybe this is a blessing....After all, in 2010 that was my New Year's "goal" (hate the word resolution).

BUT REALLY...I think I have some good work-news coming up soon. I heard unofficial word about it today. Crossing fingers, praying times a million. Stressed and scared but excited. The end.

Heart of Life.

2011-03-14T18:02:00.000-07:00

This is my New York.

This is the New York I see everyday.

Honestly, I love whoever captured this.

Funny enough, it was a tourist. But they saw New York how it really is.

I swear they saw it through my eyes...Maybe because they were people-watching, but still.

I'm sick of the bright lights, sky scrapers, Times Square...

But what I'm not sick of is watching all the different types of people that live here.

Seeing people sleeping on the subways.

Commutes to work...As much as I hate being sandwiched between people I don't know, each person has their story.

Curiosity...Sometimes, I walk around and just imagine what lives these people are living. The people I live in such close proximity with.

Such interesting people...Such an eclectic population, in such a small radius. "The most populous City in the United States"....8.4 million people, each with so many stories to tell.

I get to meet so many great people working in a hospital. I learn something from every single one of them. I love to talk to my patients. So many wonderful stories, so much wisdom (the one benefit of working with an older population). That I am definitely grateful for.

Anyway, just decided I'd share something positive. Honestly, I had been trying to write a blog for the past 3 days...I deleted every unfinished entry because it wasn't worth reading. I think this one was.

Perfect Teeth.

2011-03-12T01:11:00.000-08:00

Hi, I'm Amy.

This was me....When I was four years old I believe. Before I lost all my teeth. I was on Santa's lap.

I went to preschool at an art museum. Arnot Art Museum in Elmira, New York. I have vivid images of: Hiding in cubes, making pottery, learning French, making pretend phone calls at a wooden phone booth, my mom packing me gross egg sandwiches that I hated, losing my mom's class ring because I wanted to be cool and wear jewelry, but especially learning how to cut hearts out of construction paper and pretending that they went out to my crushes. Yep I was ages 3 and 4. I had 2 best friends: Danielle and Kara. I'd have sleep overs at each of their houses. Sometimes, I'd ask my mom if I could go over to play at their houses after preschool just so I didn't have to wear my shoes. My shoes had inserts in them...I have flat feet and my uncle is a podiatrist. Because of me not wearing them, they are still flat. But at least I had great friends...And I am pretty sure each of us are nurses/in the process of becoming one. Which is pretty cool/weird huh?

Perfect Teeth- Motion City Soundtrack has been in my head for the past two work nights. And it's silly.. Because I haven't listened to it in 7 years. It's a nostalgic song, I guess. But silly at the same time.

Anyway..Reminiscent post I decided to share....Even though I said I wouldn't do that anymore. Oops.

These Shoes Ain't Fitting.

2011-03-06T06:22:00.000-08:00

I hate being a complainer.
But when something feels wrong, chances are it is.
My Dad told me when I was 10 years old... "The squeaky wheel gets the grease".
I didn't understand the saying. I had to have him explain it.
But finally I understood.
(As long as you don't squeak so much to the point that it's annoying and you throw away the wheel, it's important to be "squeaky" sometimes.)
Someone tell me they follow where I'm going with this and I'll give you a dollar.

It takes one person with a bad attitude to ruin an otherwise good day. I know you're saying, "But it's your choice to let it get to you"...But I was being pushed over the edge. Being pushed over the edge means I was repeatedly tested to the point that I couldn't take it any more.
I cried again at work today. I couldn't help it.
Funny that the first thing I heard when I walked into work last night was a fellow co-worker on the phone saying, "Nurses don't cry".
They do.....At least I do. Maybe I'm not normal. Maybe I'm over-emotional.

But let's turn this into a positive experience:
What did I do when I got home, after bawling my eyes out?
I took out my GRE book.
Because you know what? Going back to school and getting my Master's would beat the hell out of this hot mess.

And I cross my heart and hope to die
These dreams of yours are gonna fly

Guilty.

2011-03-05T06:39:00.000-08:00

So, most people who know me know that I have ONE guilty pleasure (okay, maybe more....but one BIG one).
Lady Gaga.

I so feel like I jumped on the bandwagon with this one, but last year I just couldn't help it. I got 8th row tickets to see her show at Radio City Music Hall and I loved every single minute of it. You can hate, but that girl can perform. As evidenced by a video I've posted probably a few times of her singing/playing piano pre-stardom at an NYU talent show as "Stefani Germanotta".
Pretty cool fact--Lady Gaga was born at the hospital I work in. I've actually worked with her pediatrician. So in the 6 degrees of separation of LG...I'm only 2 degrees away. Is it sad that I've thought of this before?
"Born in New York, in Lenox Hill of '86/Cheered for the Yankees with my dad in Section 6."

That's the shout out in her acoustic version of "Poker Face".

I'm deliriously tired and decided that I'd share with you a dream I've been having recently....
I get off the subway right in front of the hospital, and I see a line of paparazzi with Lady Gaga walking through. Every night after her concerts, she comes to the hospital to rejuvenate and because "her knees hurt". Somehow, I am always her nurse. In these dreams, I'm always freaking out because I get absolutely nothing done. Probably because I'm spending my time pretending I'm best friends with/the private nurse of Lady Gaga. Totally normal.
Maybe I'll send her my application....Nursing job opportunities are pretty slim nowadays, people have a hard time believing that.

It's 10am...I think it's bedtime.

Read.

2011-03-03T17:34:00.000-08:00

Everyone who knows me knows that I love to read.

I love the smell of books--The distinction between old and new. I love the wear and tear appeal of old books, because I know that someone else has read and enjoyed what I am now reading. I love libraries.

For Christmas, my Dad got me a Kindle. I always said that if I ended up in New York City, I would get a Kindle because it's much easier to carry than a book, and a lot more convenient on the subways. Apparently they've become trendy. It seems like everyone in the City has one, but I understand why.

I wasn't sure I would like the Kindle because of what I stated above: I love books! I love paperbacks. It takes away from the beauty of printed word. But, I'll have to say it's pretty nifty. I can buy a book from anywhere in the world and have it delivered right in my hands. Call it laziness but sometimes I want to get a book so badly, but don't want to walk the 15 minutes it takes to get to the library/B&N. Books at my fingertips= amazing/scary at the same time. However, they have amazing sales. Some on books that I've never heard of, but am intrigued enough to buy and then I fall in love with them. I've gotten a few books for $5, one recently for 99cents. I am definitely one for bargains.
To sum it up: I love the Kindle. Yay Amazon.

On a completely unrelated note....

This girl is smart.

I Stand.....With Controversy (Planned Parenthood)

2011-02-21T23:04:00.000-08:00

I Stand With Planned Parenthood.

I do....I really do. I am LDS. I am not liberal by any means. I don't agree with abortion.

But, my experience with Planned Parenthood has been nothing but positive. And it has nothing to do with abortion.

It has to do with compassion. Kindness. Love. Empathy. And, the best nurses/nurse practitioners I have ever had contact with. I am a Registered Nurse...And my professional opinion is, I think that Planned Parenthood does not get the credit that it deserves because of its' liberal stance on abortion.

I take birth control not because of intercourse, but because it helps regulate my cycle (sorry for the TMI, but I had to). Blue Cross Blue Shield's Co-pay for my BC= $50. Planned Parenthood's= $12. I understand the government funds the discount. But hey, I am giving more than enough to the government for taxes, and the amount they want to take away is nothing compared to what I pay as it is. Why not use their resources?

Every time I've been to Planned Parenthood (since I was 15 years old), I've had a wonderful experience compared to that of a private OB-GYN Practice. At a private practice, I'm ungratefully greeted with overworked receptionists/RNs/Doctors that are seeing you because seeing you equals their paycheck. They are rude, they aren't understanding of financial circumstances, they aren't willing to call you and tell you if an opening is available. Instead, it's "Our wait is 3 months. Sorry."....My response, "But wait....I'm going to college in August (what if I were having active intercourse?) . "Can't I get at least 3 months of Birth Control until then?" and..."Sorry, no.". Alright then, Planned Parenthood it is. They get paid nearly not enough for the care that they give to every single patient.

As for the LDS perspective, I don't agree with abortion. But...I know many Mormons that use birth control when they get married, even before, for health reasons. Can we agree that gynecology practices for low-income patients (as well as people like me who make money) deserve respect and receive exceptional gynecological care?! Where are you heads at? Love one another...Don't cast judgment, that's Christ's job.

Sign the petition. I usually don't do this nonsense...But this is worth it. Click here and help fund/just sign a petition to keep the majority of what Planned Parenthood stands for--- STD screenings, contraceptives, cervical cancer testing, and sexual education. THIS IS A MAJORITY OF WHAT THEY STAND FOR. SET ASIDE ABORTION, AND PUT INTO FOCUS REAL LIFE.. Please.

/end rant of what I stand for.

Life Can Be Pretty Sometimes...

2011-02-19T06:40:00.000-08:00

So I had this night a few days back....

Where I cried a lot for no reason. I listened to jams from high school and reverted back to my teenaged emo-self, just for those couple of hours.

That was really stupid.

The listening to high school jams = not stupid. But everything else? Amy, what were you thinking...
I can cry. I'm allowed to cry, and boy do I cry with the best of them. But being emo? NOT allowed.
Thoughts running through my head ..."This sucks..I wish I could go back to being little again, why am I a grown up? I have no idea what I'm doing right now...."

I was told by a very smart person that a big sign of depression is wishing you could go back to the old days. I am living proof of that big sign. Whenever I get depressed, I stop living in the moment and start re-living in the past...Hence my blog a few nights back about my old blog from when I was 15 (which may or may not have been the night I'm referring to).

The past is nothing but a memory.
Like my last post's quote from "Cutting for Stone" (which yes Melanie, that book is absolutely amazing...I love everything about it!).........A memory is something important, proof that you're alive. I think that the ability to have memories is a privilege. That being said, it should be used with caution....It shouldn't be a crutch. Beautiful ones you can look back on fondly (but not dwell upon)...And Ugly ones you can learn from (but NOT dwell upon, either).
The dwelling upon?
I have trouble with that.

I am proud that I can admit my flaws, though.

Things got brighter when I saw the sun for once this morning....
I'm serious though. I'm aware that the sun has reared its' head in Manhattan the past 2 days, but I wasn't awake to enjoy it. I was sleeping, like the nocturnal being that I must be in order to make a living.
This morning, it was too bad that it plummeted a good 20+ degrees, but for me it was happiness. I was so happy to see that sun. Be it the Vitamin D, Seasonal Affective Disorder, or "Night Nurse Disorder" (my own coined term)...I needed that sun. I stopped on the street in my scrubs at 8:45am and took pictures. These were all taken on my 4 block walk from Grand Central Station to my apartment.
The Concrete Jungle is more bearable when there is light shining down on it.

Stopped here at the Chrysler Building and thought...Do I really live this close to the Chrysler Building? Do people even know what the Chrysler Building is?

Obviously everyone knows what this is..The Empire State Building peeking through..With the sun shining down on it. The only building not shadowed in this picture. And it's right next to my favorite public roof-top park. I live to read on the roof of 622 3rd Ave and people-watch sometimes. It's silly that it looks so small in this picture. That being said, it's ALL perspective!!!

In other news...
It's nice to know that someone really cares about me.

I know flowers aren't a tell-tale sign of being cared for..But I know that driving for one hour + a 4.5 hour red eye + a 45 minute taxi cab ride with a bouquet of flowers in your hand means a lot, right? (and it matches my blog theme oh, so well)

Memory.

2011-02-18T01:28:00.000-08:00

"The hands of my clock turned elastic while I imprinted these feelings in memory.

You must remember this.

It was all I had, all I've ever had, the only currency, the only proof that I was alive.

Memory."

--from "Cutting for Stone" by Abraham Verghese

Times they have changed.

2011-02-16T21:46:00.001-08:00

Me, 7 years ago from Today.

Feb. 17th, 2004

[	mood	\|	aggravated	]
[	music	\|	TBS-[[GreatRomancesOfThe20thCentury]]	]

quickie today. busy dayyy.super saturday meeting, then worked out with nichole (mile and a half whoooo) THEN went home..then play practice for 2 hours. whooohoop arty. dan called me today, it was weird.but he is my friend. of course. and i ate too much chips and dip. and now i have to do homework, i am procrastinating. goodbye sweethearts.

you made me love you, i didn't want to do it. :)

I love that I still have this journal in existence. Read it if you choose. I was 15. I was naive. I was me, but I was a different girl. It was sad. Use caution: it involves drinking, boys and emo-ness.

SeasonAffectsDisoders.

2011-02-15T07:43:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year. The time of year where I want to hibernate..Sleep, eat, repeat. No more, no less. I can get snappy and angry, and sad and cry. Especially on a consecutive night of work...I'm a known crier at my job.

Jackson came out for Valentine's Day and I was so happy that I wasn't the one that had to travel. All we really did was stayed up late and spent the days being lazy, but it is so much more fun being lazy with someone else instead of by my lonesome.

Work has been so busy. So many times at that job I just feel defeated, like I feel as if I can't mentally do it anymore. But...Life goes on. So does working. So does the night..Eventually there is that light at the end of the tunnel, the sun is rising, and you know it's time to go home soon. That's the moment we all love. The other employees come in with their coffees...And we're ready to go to sleep, already picturing what it will be like to hit the pillow.

On that note, hitting the pillow.

Truzzled.

2011-02-04T07:08:00.000-08:00

It's February.
I just got home from work (my first night in over a week)...I'm attempting at relaxing.
Then, I hear the incessant honking of a tractor trailer's horn (counted at around 15 times) right outside of my window.

Well hello back to you, New York.

Last night- Long. The time change definitely hit me. If you didn't know, I was in Utah for the past 6 days. The last day was accidental- I got snowed-out. That means, New York was hit with snow, my flight was canceled, I got to spend an extra night in Utah and miss a night of work. It was a success.

Work is good when it snows for one thing and one thing only-- a "Snow Day". When we hear it's a "Snow Day" in the morning, all of us nurses (and all other employees) get excited. We try to get our work done extra early. Basically, we're like little kids waiting for the School Closings to show up on television. Why? Free breakfast. Glorious breakfast. Eggs, bacon, sausage, home fries, grits, all kinds of bread, bagels, orange juice (Tropicana)....And did I mention it's free? That's the only good thing about a snow day.

The last snow day I was nervous about missing my flight to go out to Utah. I made it out no problem. I had a wonderful time...I ate lots of food, jumped on lots of trampolines, relaxed and spent time with a very cute guy that is nerdy like me, which I love.

Short Blips....A patient that I really came to love died, and it upset me very much. Thankfully, I know (have a pretty good, good feeling) that there is life after death and more than anyone, he deserves such a beautiful after-life, which I know he will receive. He was the first patient that I have really cried over.
I just watched a movie, "Mary and Max". 1) It is a great clay-mation movie that really captures the feel of mental illness. It's inspiring and depressing. 2) It has been decided that Toni Collette is not only my favorite actress, but my favorite "voice" character.

Anyway, I've told about as much as I can tell. For now. Until then....

The Life..

2011-01-20T08:36:00.000-08:00

Of a nurse.
(This is what I dreamed of when I was little...?!! But I do love it.)

I work 12 1/2 hour shifts.

I work the night shift, from 8pm to 8am. (so never, ever complain to me that you have to work until 2pm on New Year's Eve..Just dont.)

I have to work weekends and holidays.

Of those 12 1/2 hours, I have an hour and forty five minutes of break. In which I attempt to do nothing (look at facebook, play games, read, finish nursing notes). This is my bliss. These are the things that desk job-people have probably much more time for.

The other 10 3/4 hours I am on my feet continuously (suck it, desk job people). Literally, I have about 5 minutes of downtime. I am constantly doing something. Calling doctors, being a "super"nurse by problem solving old IV pumps, giving injections, IV meds, cleaning up bowel movements, diarrhea ..gross, vomiting (not me although it well could be), attempting to reposition 300 lb patients while only being 1/3 of their weight, listening to a patient's life story (I like that sometimes, when I have time...Basically 3% of the time)...But then I get to joke with patients, help patients cope with their illnesses, deal with patients in their last stages of life. Comfort them....End up really, really caring about them and their families. And then when I get home, pray for them before I go to sleep.

Picture doing this for 8 patients simultaneously, for 10.75 hours in one night.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a waitress...."2 Window wants water, 3 door wants a sandwich, room 5 is thirsty...
Hearing "NURSE, NURSE!!!! I NEED ______" being called out into the hallways by multiple patients in the matter of one or two minutes.

Sometimes I work 3 nights in a row. (ex: these past 3 days). 40 hours, crammed into 3 days.

I am deliriously tired. My nights are your days. My days are your nights. It's impossible to fit myself into someone else's schedule. It's nearly impossible to fit myself/sleep into my own schedule.

*knock on wood* but good thing I have a boyfriend...Because dating would be pretty difficult with this kind of schedule...

Speaking of my boyfriend, I am pretty smitten with him right now. We have been dating for 6 months. One half of a year. AKA FOREVERRrrrr. Haha just kidding. It went by so fast, though.

When I first saw this picture, I looked at it and thought..What a silly picture of us (aka Amy is looking roughhhh). But then I looked at our smiles..Eeeek how happy do we both look.

One WEEK and I'm done with work, and back in Utah.

Life is a Highway.....

2011-01-19T07:54:00.000-08:00

One thing I miss about living in the country...
(besides Family, family and more family)

Driving.

People always ask, "Doesn't it feel weird to drive again when you're visiting home?"

No. It's like riding a bicycle. You sit in the driver's seat, turn on the CD that's been in your car for a couple of years, and it instantly takes you back to those days.

In case you don't know, I don't drive in the City. Way too expensive. Parking alone costs a month of rent on an apartment. Traffic is horrendous. Public Transportation is the easiest route, even if it means getting up close and personal with the homeless guy next to you...In my case, a homeless guy snorting some drugs as observed last night on my way to work.

I'm at home. Driving up Prospect Hill through the winding road up to my Mom's house, and near my old house, where so much of my growing up took place....Where I first learned how to drive.
The valleys. Driving from Horseheads to Corning and back again, realizing how beautiful it all is. It wasn't even green and I was still marveling at the beauty of Upstate New York. The 2 lane highways, the one-exit towns (Big Flats the most wonderful of all).

A piece of property back home (I googled, this is the best I could find?). Why doesn't anyone take pictures of the pretty roads? But, the point I'm trying to make here is..greenery. Not desert, it's green.

Those roads bring back so many memories. I could be driving up one and remember times when I was 16. Like when a boy I liked back in the day sped through the neighborhood and my neighbors called the "neighborhood watch committee" to look out for him and his Mercedes convertible. Or late night drives to the Corning McDonald's. Or just plain thinking about how my friends and I used to make the walk up Prospect Hill because we didn't have our licenses yet.

(This is the pond my brother illegally skates on with his friends, trespassing property..Your secret is safe with me)

THE END (for now)

Randomness

2011-01-11T17:26:00.000-08:00

True fact: While I watch any movie on Netflix, I am pondering about how many stars to give the movie.
Next related fact: I like to give Indie movies a chance. Most indie movies (besides Napoleon Dynamite) don't get the recognition they deserve. During some, I yawn. But there are some that I loved and will forever remember.
City Island is a great one. It's funny, it has its' real moments. I love movies like that. So real you feel like you're there watching the actors right in front of you, without a screen to separate you.
Last night, I watched the movie Timer. It was a little quirky chick flick with a kind of weird, stupid concept....But I absolutely loved it. It had a lot to do with the soundtrack. I think it also had to do with the amazing soundtrack. Sufjan Stevens, Meiko, Iron&Wine, Katie Herzig? Timer, your soundtrack had me at hello. It also maybe had a little bit to do with Desmond Harrington being in it. Ayayay.

Desmond Harrington is also on Dexter..His character is not my favorite. Of course, I have a celebrity crush on Michael C. Hall as well. A serial killer has never looked so good. Just....Yes.
Jackson, if you read this...I still think you're cuter than all of the above. You win.

On my days off, I sleep and watch Dexter. I only leave the apartment to get food. Yesterday, my day off went like this: Home at 9am, sleep at 12pm, wake up at 12am. Watch Dexter until 7:40am. Go back to sleep until 4pm today. Sit in my pajamas and watch Dexter. Go to McDonald's around the block at 7pm. I've been home by myself for the past week and a half. Thanks, Kevin. Not happy about that right now, especially since our apartment is in shambles. I try to be understanding, but ughhh.

Anyway. I've realized that I am not taking advantage anymore of living in the City. I was looking at my friend's pictures of her being a tourist, fascinated by the bright lights and the City that Never sleeps in all of it's glory. The City that never sleeps? Pshhh I am the exception. I feel like I've seen all there is to see. Lauren and I tackled all of it in our 3 month Summer of 2009. The only part of New York that I take advantage of anymore are its' restaurants. All of them, locally owned, the majority of them yummy...There are about 350 just in my small neighborhood, Murray Hill.
I avoid Times Square at all costs, even though people dream of going there. I dread taking the 9am 15 minute commute back to my apartment in a packed subway. In NO other place do you get so intimately close to your fellow neighbors than on the subway. I have never felt so close to strangers before than on the MTA's packed trains. I don't even think Broadway is impressive anymore.
Not complaining, but I don't really have any friends here. One I've lost touch with since we graduated college (even before that, our friendship sucked), and don't plan on reuniting with. Kevin is basically the only friend I have here. Maybe that's why I don't get out so much.

Who wants to move to New York to be my friend and get me out of this apartment? I'll be taking applications asap.

TIME for another New York City blizzard. 8-12 inches. I NEED BOOTS.

Bye for now!

Updates, Domino love.

2011-01-07T23:11:00.000-08:00

One thing I must get out of the way.
Domino's on 3rd Ave, just 6 blocks from our apartment, I'm in love. Your pizza: so good. Your service: so fast. Your foreign delivery men: The sweetest guys on earth (I'm not hitting on them, don't worry). And, you're open until 2am. So, even when I do happen to sleep from 12:45pm to 12:45am, I can have a meal delivered straight to my door. Not to mention that 2 medium pizzas for $11.99 will last me a few days. Too bad I don't trust my kitchen enough to even step in it so I can even refrigerate this pizza. Aye.

I don't think I've blogged about work in a while. Do I dislike the night shift? Yes. This sleeping during the day thing, I hate it. I feel miserable.
I'm completely working on my own now. It feels nice to be able to make the call on some things without feeling like I have to get permission. I don't know how many times I've gotten, "You're my nurse? You look too young to be a nurse...". Hearing the patients unsure makes me unsure. I just have to remember, I just got done with 4 years of schooling. More than most of the nurses I work with. I feel confident most of the time. Except for my first night....
My first night alone, I got the roughest district. 7 patients, and the majority of them were complete care. This means that they can't do much at all on their own. Let's just say, I broke down around 6am after arguing with my nurse's aide and cried. She was cruel to me. I felt small and insignificant. I'm 22 years old, she's in her late 50's and I'm basically her boss. She doesn't like that. But, I have a wonderful coworker that stood up for me. I had a patient that witnessed the whole incident and afterward, told me what a great nurse I was and that she was proud of me. At least I have these people that really care about me.

I spent Christmas in the hospital, while my family including the extended fam was out in Horseheads. I talked to my entire family on the phone; The phone was passed around the dinner table. That hurt a lot. But, we had a Christmas Eve party at work. Instead of Christmas music, we listened to R&B jams. I've never had so much chicken in my life.

Vanessa, Tom and I pretending to be divas.

Whoa...'

Just a little glimpse into what my Christmas was like.

But my New Year's was a lot better. I spent it with a lovely guy out in Utah. And even with only 2 hours of sleep, I was happy at Midnight. I think it's going to be a great year.
We went skiing and it was a lot of fun.

The winding road on the way up to Sundance.

And on that note, I'm OUT.

You just have to laugh.

2011-01-07T07:05:00.000-08:00

This is Part Two of my previous post.
It'll be short and sweet.

It's gotten worse, as evidenced above. The light is hanging by a thread from the ceiling.

Meanwhile, outside of my apartment door...
People are locked in our building. This kind tenant who deemed herself as "handy" because she's an RN had to use her screwdriver to get these poor people out of the apartment to go to work late.

Really, I can't help but laugh at this whole situation.

My apartment has turned into a rain forest....Walking into the kitchen, a mist instantly hits your face. How peaceful.
I've found a new use for pots and pans since I don't cook. Kevin will be doing the dishes.

Anyway, maybe I'm deliriously tired...But laughing is healthy and it's a good way to cope with this crazy apartment.

True Life: I'm officially a New Yorker.

2011-01-06T08:34:00.000-08:00

To the outside world, living in New York City seems like it would dream come true. They see it in the movies, they've seen the luxury apartments (or they've seen the ghetto). But when I tell them I live in New York City (as a middle-class New Yorker not to mention recent college grad) I fit in none of the above "dreams".

I'll say it. I live in an over-priced apartment that's probably from the 1950's. When I signed my life away via a year-long lease, the "management" (a landlord who looked like he'd been baking out in Florida for too long on one of his plethora of vacations) handed me a paper warning me of the risks of lead poisoning. I dealt with the mess and the scariness of the ground floor apartment, all because it was in a great location. That's what New Yorker's look for: location. Who cares if it's a crap hole, as long as you can get to work in 15 minutes it's golden. I dealt with the mix up of getting my keys too early and walking in when the old tenants still lived here (the management's mistake). I lived through getting my superintendent fired for making sexual advances on me. I continue to deal with the car accidents that happen outside of my window because I live next to a tunnel exit.
And now I'm attempting to live through this:
No, not attempting to live with Ramen as my main meal (as you can see), but above, above that you can see a huge gaping hole adjacent to a large droop in the ceiling due to a leak. What you don't hear is the water dripping. What you don't see is the numerous pots and pans I've had to put in the kitchen, as well as the huge chunks of ceiling/lead paint all over the counter and floor.

This mess? Ever-growing.
The Superintendent? An escape artist. I see him, and then I don't. He disappears like a magician and fails to let me know what's going on.
Did I mention I've never painted my walls yellow before?
A masterpiece on our ceiling, almost.

This isn't a "poor me" post. This is more of a, "this is real life as a grown up in NYC and it sucks" post.

I sure hope that others that live in New York don't have the bad luck that I've been having.

A related question....How can I get out of this lease?!?!

Inception-isms

2010-12-26T22:50:00.000-08:00

It's the day after Christmas.

There's a blizzard outside.

I took a picture of Kevin in the middle of a busy street right outside of our apartment, the Queens Midtown Tunnel Exit.

Guess we had dreamt of a a White Christmas one day late.
It's still snowing. Blizzard of 2010 in New York, NY.

Inception-- If you haven't seen the movie, it's mind-blowing. I have seen it only once...Months ago when it was in theaters. But let's get to the point here. The soundtrack is amazing. I found an app on my iPhone- Inception, the app. It uses the soundtrack of the movie (Hans Zimmer), and shapes it to your life. It uses the microphone on your phone headphones and the GPS. It takes your location/time/sound/surroundings and makes them into your 'dream world'. I'll be brutally honest-- It feels like you are tripping on some kind of drug. But then you realize it's music that's making you feel that way...Just the mere sound around you; it heightens your senses. Every step you take, you feel it. It's just really fascinating to me. That's the meaning of music to me. The kind that you can relate to makes you feel the most. You don't just hear the music, you feel it.

That's my rant for today. I love music. Thanks, Mrs. Stewart (circa Kindergarten through 6th grade) for helping to make it such a big part of my life. Kudos to teachers and their impact that they have on children......It lasts forever.

Undecided.

2010-12-16T18:08:00.001-08:00

After three days of working in a row, I figured I would update this masterpiece.

I'm sitting on the 'couch' with Kevin (aka his bed), having a stay in night...for now at least. I need it.

Work is..Work. I'm just not sure if I like it that much anymore now that I'm on the night shift. I find solace in getting food delivered at 2am to the hospital. Not healthy. On my days off, I get nothing done because all I want to do is sleep. For example, take today. I was supposed to drop off laundry. Yes, drop off to get it done because I'm too lazy to carry it 1 block and 2 avenues to a place to do it myself (but it's so expensive, ugh). I couldn't drag myself out of bed for that. It feels like depression, but worse because I actually want to be up doing things instead of sleeping until 6pm. But my body needs it.

Did you know that if you're lying sideways, watching TV, there is a part of your brain that adjusts your vision and "turns" your point of view? That's awesome. Watching Arrested Development right now.

/End previous rant. That was last week. This is today.

Today, I celebrated Christmas with my Grandma, Aunt and Chinese food. It was quaint, but it was my life. It wasn't the Christmas I wanted, but the Christmas I will remember as my 23rd Christmas on the face of this earth. We ate, got stuffed with more food, and then I was forced to take home more food. Italian Grandmas are the BEST (I say this as my stomach is hurting to the extreme).

On New Year's I will be in Utah. How does New Year's work in Utah? It doesn't even go in sync with the ball dropping in NYC. It will be a different experience for sure. My first New Year's experience in a different time zone...Not to mention with a boy in a different time zone. Yikes. New York is WORLD eastern time. End of story.
Guess I'll end this post with pictures from my last trip to Utah....It was loverly.

This is from my last trip to Utah. My eyes are demonic. But we made some cool gingerbread houses.

What a cute guy. What not-cute gingerbread houses. Just kidding :)

So not artistic...Me, that is. Yikes.

And, it's almost 4am. Goodnight, World.

Graveyard Shift.

2010-12-06T14:34:00.000-08:00

I just finished my second night shift. I'm going back in in two hours to start all over again.

It was quieter, but not by much. By the end, I was drunk off of tiredness. My nurse manager came in at 8am and told me that I'm not supposed to be working nights until next week (even though I was on the schedule for nights, plain and clear). What a mix up, what a sad letdown to know that I could have had one more week of day shift glory. However, I am to continue on nights this week.

I'm going to Utah tomorrow night for the weekend. I can't wait. I'm pretty sure this is my fourth trip in three and a half months. I will be making a trip to see the Temple Square Christmas lights for the first time ever, so excited! I've heard it's beautiful.

I'm reading a new book, "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett. I have made it to page 65. It was on my list of "to-reads" but the library I go to never has the good books. I decided to look at the books on display, and much to my surprise a copy was available. Thanks, Kips Bay library. First time you have ever made me happy. What a dreary library it usually is. I found a quote in the book that I really like.
It reads "Cause that's what prayer do(es). It's like electricity, it keeps things going." I think I should remind myself that everyday. I don't pray nearly enough. Due to a recent tragic circumstance that happened in my home ward and then reading this the next day, it's reminding me that prayer is of importance and I tend to forget that. Both of these were reminders, one tragic and one uplifting. Needless to say, the family affected at home is in my prayers.

Anyway, off to work and the life of a grown up. Expect an update next week of Adventure #4 to Utah to see this one tall guy that I think I like a lot. A lot a lot.

Lucky.

2010-12-04T18:12:00.000-08:00

I'm back in New York City.
I was pretty sad to leave home, and even sadder to be on a bus for 3 1/2 hours. But despite that, it gave me some time to just reflect. It sounds so lame, but I was watching the sun set (at 4:30pm, ugh) outside of the bus window, and I realized how happy I am. I am so lucky: Lucky to be alive, to have a great family, a wonderful significant other, to come from a great home town, and to hav a job. I think coming home this weekend rally humbled me and made me realize that I sometimes take things for granted. I really am a lucky girl. Spending time with my family members was amazing. They make me who I am.

On the bus, I was listening to Sufjan Stevens radio on Pandora. I swear, it was the soundtrack of my life.

I'm having a date night with myself tonight. Takeout (Indian food), movies, cuddling up in bed...Getting ready for my first night shift tomorrow night. Eek.

Anyway, that's all for now.

This is Home.

2010-12-03T14:57:00.000-08:00

Current City: Horseheads, New York.

My Hometown.

A few days ago at work, I was thinking about how I will not be spending Christmas with my family. I then realized I have not visited home since August. This is the longest I have ever gone without making a trip home. It's been four months, and I guiltily didn't even think twice about it until a boring day at work. I hadn't seen my Mom in four months, my Dad in three months. Suddenly, I was so home sick. I wanted my Mom and Dad. I wanted familiarity and comfort. I think that's okay sometimes. When I'm old and grey, I know there will be days when I want my Mom and Dad. So, right on the spot, I decided to spend my 3 day weekend home. I looked up bus ticket prices (so expensive) and embarked on my journey.

I was like a happy little kid when I first saw my Mom pull up at the bus station. I thought I was going to cry, but thankfully didn't. I've missed her. We drove back to the house and as soon as I walked in, I smelled home. I have heard from someone/somewhere that scent can be the one sense that most often brings back memories. It does it for me. I saw my dogs and my cats, and immediately I felt good. Sitting with my mom just catching up and talking about adult things was surreal. She made me dinner, both one of our favorites, and we relaxed. Girls' Night with Mom is an invaluable time. You take advantage of it up until when you don't live at home anymore and realize how much you miss it. We got in our pajama pants and just spent time together. It felt really good to spend time with her. Doing nothing but chatting and relaxing with my Mom is one of my favorite things ever.

There's just something about waking up to a cat purring in your ear (creepy-sounding, but true). I used to think it was the grossest thing in the world that my mom had four cats and three dogs (it's narrowed down to three and two), but looking at my camera I obviously must enjoy it. All of my pictures so far are of my dogs and cats. I swear, they really do remember you. Much to my Mom's dismay, I decided to put ribbons on all of their necks. Sadly, I woke up this morning to see that most of them had clawed them off. Bummer.

This place, this home is one place I will always find comfort in.

(pictures to come)

Anyway...Tonight I'm hoping to decorate my Mom's tree with her. It'll be a blast I'm sure!!

I went to Jackson's for Thanksgiving in Utah. In short, it was great. His family made sweet potatoes so I had a little taste of home, and the food was delicious. I may have had seconds or thirds...

We always have such a fun time together. We are huge nerds and I love it; we are always laughing together. Sadly we didn't take any pictures. But, I will be there next weekend, and if pictures aren't taken at that time, I owe each of my blog readers a million dollars. That said, I WILL be taking pictures. I swear he exists. Where else do you think my big smile comes from?

BFFz

2010-11-20T11:56:00.000-08:00

Five days until thanksgiving. Have I mentioned how anxious/excited I am for that day to come? Not just for the food...

I am SO thankful for true friends.

These past two years, I've grown up. A lot. My goal last year was to become less of a pushover. I think I'm still in the process of evolving into a self-sufficient, take-no-crap girl, but I have come such a long way since then. My standards have risen friend-wise, by a lot. I may be near-friendless, but at least I'm not the pushover friend anymore. This is an homage to my true friends. Ones that will be with me forever.

Nichole.

Remember when we were 17 and this picture was taken? Carly and Sam were visiting us, we were at my old house on Prospect Ridge on my old bed, in my old room that so many crazy memories with friends were made in. The night before, we had a hot tub party. We prank phone called people and made frozen margaritas. We drank them out of Senor Frogs' yard glasses, like many nights before that. Remember when we liked the same boys in middle school, which evolved into us liking 'best friends' so we could all hang out in highschool? But before that...Remember when we were Pokemon nerds, but boy crazy at the same time and made up ridiculous songs about them? I have so many amazing memories of us, starting from when I was an 8-year old girl wearing owl-like glasses and you were the new girl in school with the bowl cut. I have so many vivid memories of us. We've been friends for 15 years. Your mom always said we'd be friends forever. I think she was right. We don't talk to eachother everyday anymore, and we see eachother about 5 times a year or less, but how we grew up together and the memories we have will always keep us best friends in my heart.

Lauren.

I never thought I would meet someone so AWESOME at RS yoga night. We both knew nobody, and then we went to the Green Day concert the next morning. I'll always remember our Long Beach outings, Tourist Thursdays, and all the adventures we got ourselves into last summer. This past summer I was sad we didn't get to see eachother, and that's a big regret of mine. But, we both had our preoccupations-- Me studying for my boards, you and your first love. You will always be considered one of my best friends, and I can't wait for you to be in my wedding someday. You are such a great example, you are so smart and you are ALWAYS there for me. I hope you know that goes both ways. Rain or shine, middle of the night or middle of the day, we will always be there for eachother to laugh or cry with. It is a shame we have to live so far away from one another, but hopefully one day that will change. I absolutely love you!

Roni, Steph and Marissa.

I bunched all of you together because we all have so much fun together. It's never a dull moment with the four of us. I remember 2 years ago at Mike's house Steph, Roni and I reunited for the first time in years. We all wore Mike's Mom's bathing suits (oh jeeze) and jumped in the pond. It felt like no time had passed at all. Middle school/highschool with you guys was the absolute best. Parties at my house, canoeing and then sinking the boat in Steph's pond, and jumping off the dock in our underwear like losers...Those were the days.This past May-June, I loved every second with you girls. All of our outings turned into adventures, and the following mornings were hilarious. The Sand Dollar (the thug with dreadlocks....UGH what the heck), Denny's, waking up at Marissa's, my goodbye 'party'/bonfire and our recaps the following morning....I miss it all so much. I miss YOU all so much!!

Sam and Carly.

You guys are the best/craziest, most awesome girls I have ever met. We met in 2002 at ILC...8 years ago. I'm so glad we are still such good friends. Obviously ILC was one of the best times of our lives. You girls were a year younger than me, but taught me probably the most craziest things ever that any of us should have ever known at such a young age (hahah). Nichole and Jesse Gorney, taking deuces, our cabins, weirdo cabin-mates, New Found Glory... Simone, Autumn the stripper counselor...SUCH good times. And my times in Cheltenham? Priceless. I am friends with all of your friends, I'm the town's infamous guest, and the most troublesome. It's my own personal Cancun, my vacation getaway. I need to see you girls soon. COME visit me in NYC. I promise Kevin and I's apartment will be your new 'Cancun' getaway. I love you both...Ahhhh.

Shay.

(Shay is in the middle)

Shay, you're an honorable mention (but the most honorable of all)...Because our friendship was cut short due to me being lame/you moving to Utah. I sucked as a friend, because of school, because I was lazy, because of depressing events....But I swear if I ever move to Utah, I promise I will be a better friend. You are one of the like two faithful readers of my blog. The limited time we have spent together are memories I'll never forget. You were probably the only friend I'll ever remember from Pennsylvania. Both of us, stuck there, desperate for relief from the boredom. Making that soda, Wii parties at the house you were sitting, the photo shoot (one of the pictures seen above), Red Robin, and our fateful meeting at Institute (which I'm sure we both were dreading that night)...We had a few good times. I really cherished our time we spent together! You are absolutely a great girl of so much worth. I'm glad you are doing well...I hope it only gets better and better for you; You deserve it.

Kevin.

K-Dubs...I have loved you ever since the Kanye Concert in 2008, the faithful beginning of our friendship. I don't think we ever could picture then that we would be Living2Gethr.edu. As of now, we have 167 fans that follow our lives on East 38th Street in NYC, the city that never sleeps (or for us, that sleeps too much). What amazing lives we live. You are in our apartment right now playing Ke$ha, even though you know I hate her. You deal with my hormones, and I deal with your manic states once a month. You're the best. Thanks for letting your bed become our couch because we are ghetto and don't have one. BOOLAH boolah boolah! That's all I have to say. We'll discuss the extent of our friendship later. Bai.

You are all wonderful. I love you all so much.

Note: this is not including my family/significant others, etc., etc. But you are all special...And I am sure there will be plenty of blogs about you in the future.

Three days.

2010-11-12T13:45:00.000-08:00

Three days off....What to do with myself? Obviously update my blog with random happenings.

Got my first paycheck yesterday.
Up Side: MONEY!!
Down Side: Taxes. More than half of my paycheck went to taxes. Thank you Obama and the government in general (in January, I'll thank you again since they're going up. Also, I know that it's not only Obama that makes the decisions....So does congress). Thank you New York City.

The apartment that Kevin and I live in is in shambles. Lead paint is peeling off of our walls. Good thing I don't have kids, or they would end up eating them and have neurological defects. Lead is in our tap water. NYCers, beware. This affects over 100,000 buildings in New York due to old plumbing (to prevent this, just let your tap water run for 30 seconds before drinking). The most sad though, is that I haven't had a real shower in over 3 days. Our drain doesn't work in the shower. I've used Draino, tried a plunger...Still, the tub is over half full with dirty, disgusting previous-shower water. Don't worry though, I took a Mexican shower yesterday--For those who don't know this drill, it involves washing my hair and necessary body parts via the sink water and some soap. Our apartment Superintendent, Duro, has yet to stop by. Kevin got locked out yesterday without a coat and Duro couldn't help because he doesn't have spare keys, the management does. Management is closed for the weekend. So what would happen if Kevin didn't have a roommate to save him? Thanks overpriced apartment management company that gives us nothing but problems. I'm sure many have this problem in NYC. If I were registered to vote in time for the November 2nd elections, I would have voted for "The Rent is 2 Damn High!" party.

Yesterday was by far my busiest day at work in the past 3 weeks. Talking to the other girl starting at the same time as me (Jessica, you are awesome), I knew I wasn't the only one that felt this way. I'm pretty sure both of us were near tears multiple times throughout the day, wondering how we will make it on our own without our preceptors. I am praying that the night shift will be less chaotic and that we will be blessed with helpful (and nice, not obnoxious) nurse aides and fellow RNs.

Today, I'm really thankful for having a job and getting my first paycheck. It felt like it was my first Christmas finally opening it. Even though I have complained above about how ridiculous this apartment management is, I am thankful for even having an apartment to live in.

P.S.....Obviously I got asked to move in with one of my patients. He was in his 80's, German, told me I was cute and lived near Columbia University. He promised free rent and meals if I took care of him every night. He told me, "No sex....Just love. Will you be my love?". Should I accept?

Do You Realize -- The Flaming Lips

Transition.

2010-11-09T16:37:00.001-08:00

It's been 2 long weeks. But alas, I have decided to update on a much needed day off.
I'm 3 weeks deep into my job as a Registered Nurse.
I still get excited every time I write 'RN, BSN' after my name. It's amazing how much more patients trust you with the RN tag as opposed to the word "student" printed across it.
So far, my preceptor is great and very patient with me which I am very grateful for. I will be working with her for the next 5 weeks on the day shift. Some of the staff on the floor are just plain mean, but that's what working in a New York City hospital can be like.
I love my patients. Even though most of them are sick old people with very little independence left, I learn so much from each and every one of them. I get called 'cute' by at least one of my patients everyday. One dubbed me the 'Penn State girl'. I have gotten one marriage proposal from a 48 year old man (creepy).
(My workplace)

I do want to share a short story though. Last week, I took care of an old man who was very, very sick. He was basically lying on his death bed. He didn't respond to much except for pain, in which he would moan but that's about it. No one really tried to talk to him. One of the nurse assistants undressed him, left him completely exposed (which I'm not okay with) and left me to do the rest later that night. I got to spend a minute alone with him. I dressed him and tucked him into his sheets. I was telling him what I was doing step by step, and then I did something that I hadn't seen anyone else do that day. I decided to ask him something. I took his hand, looked him in the eye and said "Okay, would you like a blanket on you? Squeeze my hand if you do. If you don't, you don't have to do anything. Can you do that for me?" . I asked him twice, and then I heard him mumble. I was pretty startled, and I asked him to repeat what he had said. Hoarsely, he responded "I would like that." I wasn't even expecting him to squeeze my hand, let alone speak. It was a beautiful moment. Moments like this are why I decided to become a nurse. Now it's real. Maybe being on this floor is a blessing in disguise, even though it may be a little chaotic and not my first choice of a job.

These past few weeks have been quite a transition for me. I got my schedule for the next 2 months. It makes me cringe to think I will be scheduling my life around work. Unlike most of my fellow graduates who are not nurses, I will be working nights, weekends, and holidays. I'll sacrifice spending time with my family and exchanging it with taking care of sick people in the hospital. I know the first holiday I will spend in the hospital, it will upset me. But at least I know I will be making a difference in a stranger's life. Still, I would expect a future rant about this.

In other news, Jackson came to visit from October 29th to the 3rd. It was so nice spending time with him and I'm so thankful that he came a few days after I started work, even though I had to work the last 2 days he was here (including on his birthday...Boo). For his birthday, I took him to the Bronx Zoo. Cheesy sounding, I know....But it was so much fun! Here are two of the scant amount of pictures I took.

Amazing (but greasy) Mac and Cheese place, S'Mac on the Lower East Side. It was delicious. Nomnomnom.

Gorillas are so fascinating!! Jeeze louise...they are just like humans. This is exactly how I sleep, not kidding. Ha.

And, I'm going to Utah for Thanksgiving! Hooray!!

I'll try to be better at updating, but life is busy, FINALLY!

Since it's November, the time of thanksgiving and everyone is stating what they are thankful for, I am thankful for being alive. I'm thankful that I had great parents that supported me through college and allowed me to get the job that I now have. I'm grateful for my boyfriend and dear friends, even though they are few and far between.

I'm thankful that I have so much to smile about.

This is It.

2010-10-24T11:30:00.000-07:00

A New Chapter in My Life: Today is my last day of jobless freedom.
My big girl job starts tomorrow. I am a full time employee, working night shifts. Holy toledo!! It's about time. That was far too long of a hiatus, but I'll admit that I'm a little scared and very nervous. But, I can't wait to get back to taking care of people and hopefully making a difference. Honestly, nothing is better than getting a hug from a patient when they leave the hospital. I love that.

2010 has been crazy. It started out really depressing. I had the worst senioritis a college student could have. My birthday was my motivation for change, and I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel: graduation. I graduated college, one of the best days of my life (see below), and moved to NYC in a whirlwind. Summer went by way too fast and I got to play with cute babies in their first days of life, I passed my boards and am now an RN, I spent time with my best friend, met a cute guy and had lots of fun, moved in with my other best friend, and here I am. I'm completely happy. I hope it only gets better from here.

That is all! Just a short update.

To be Alive.

2010-10-20T14:20:00.001-07:00

I say this to people a lot. I write this plenty in my personal journal, which I plan to give to my grandchildren someday: I am in my physical prime. I have no wrinkles. I am probably in the best shape I will ever be. I can eat fast food, and for the most part, not gain weight.

Like most, I have this fear of getting old. I think the first time I start to see wrinkles appear on my face, I'll freak out. But someday, I'll be a Mom. Far, far from now I'll be a Grandmom. I'll look in the mirror, look at pictures of myself from now, and barely recognize the girl that I used t to be. But, it's so beautiful. We are ever evolving human beings.

I think it's hard to appreciate the beauty of aging. I remember seeing a woman in a nursing home. Looking at her, and then glancing at a framed picture of the girl that she was when she was my age. But the confidence this woman had sitting in the nursing home in her wheelchair, the love for her purple headbands and brushing her hair showed me that she still knew she had that beauty.

I saw an elderly woman on the subway the other day. First of all, I'll rant about how a lazy overweight young woman did not give up her seat for this old woman the entire 15-20 minutes we were on the train. But, I could not help but stare at this lady. She was probably in her 80's, and she was stunning. Under her wrinkles and imperfections, you could tell she used to be the most gorgeous woman. She was smiling the entire time. I saw a woman next to her; Presumably her daughter. Ah, it touched my heart.

Anyway, I hope I'm a cute old lady. After pondering this for a while and seeing all these wonderful older women, I think there is hope.

Family Portrait.

2010-10-19T14:45:00.000-07:00

This was one of the happiest days of my life.
My graduation day: May 15, 2010.

I never really blogged about how grateful I was for my whole family to be able to come. Not just my mom, or just my dad, because of bitterness. They set it aside their differences, even if it was just for a little bit, and my family was reunited for a day. To this day, thinking about that wonderful, perfect day brings tears to my eyes.

No, this isn't wishful thinking. I know my family will never be the way it was. In fact, I never want to have to go through that pain again. I am just so thankful that after 7 years of a war that felt like it would never end, they are civil towards each other. I think it is one of the greatest things I could ever ask for.

These pictures I will forever cherish. I never imagined I would have a picture of my whole family together when I was 22. A family portrait of a family that was. We will always will be family, even if our Mom and Dad are separate.
My mom is so loved by my dad's side of the family. Unlike me, they wish and pray that my parents would get back together. Whenever they come visit my hometown, they visit my mom. It's wonderful.

Last night, my Mom's sister, whom my dad hadn't seen in over 15 years came into his house uninvited just to give him a hug and say hello. Despite him hurting her sister (my mom), he gave her three children and her last name, and my Mom's sister understands that he was family and always will be to us kids. I talked to my dad about it, thinking he would feel he was intruded upon. Instead, he said, "It was so nice to see her. I was really happy she came in...It was a surprise, but a good one."

This gives me hope. I used to dread the day I'd plan who I'd have to invite to my wedding, and the drama that would be attached to it. How a family war might break out. But now, I know. I think it will be wonderful, just like this day was. I'm so glad I can share these moments with both of my parents.

Thanks, Mom and Dad. You raised a beautiful family.

Coming together.

2010-10-16T14:25:00.000-07:00

Well, it's better than coming undone, right?

I realize I haven't written an update on my life here in a while. I guess I was waiting for some conclusion to the endless chaos that had been taking place the last few weeks. After endless tears on the phone with people I didn't know, finally on Tuesday I get through to an adviser who issues me my license in a matter of one minute. Thank you, Jamie. You are the man. I start my job on October 25th, it is official.

But, what was the initial feeling I had once I know I have my license? Anxiety and fear. It's real. I'm taking this job, on a medicine floor which is not my first choice. What if I'm completely unhappy? I'm so nervous. But after a few phone calls to people that I love very much, I was reassured that everything is going to be okay. If it doesn't work out, well, I'll climb that mountain when/if I get there. Until then, I'm lucky I even have a job right now considering the economy.

The good news is, I passed my medication competency exam. Afterward, the nurse recruiter hands me a contract to sign saying I received the study guide. I hand it back to her unsigned.
Nurse Recruiter: Um, you have to sign this.
Me: I never received a study guide.
Nurse Recruiter: Are you serious?! We should have given you one when you accepted the job.
Me: Nope.
Nurse Recruiter: Well, good thing you passed!
Basically, I just winged the medication competency exam. Had no idea what was on it. Pretty much, I lucked out. CHYEAaaa.

Thanks, Jackson for coming October 28th. Can't wait to celebrate your birthday with you. Even though both of us will be pretty busy with work. But seriously, it was a nice surprise to get a phone call from someone so special telling me that he had just bought tickets to come to NYC for about 6 days. It will be lovely.

We are all a little bit beautiful.

2010-10-09T16:37:00.001-07:00

I can say that I think I am a bright and beautiful individual.
I'm happy with the body I'm in and who I have become.
This is not meant to be a vain post.
This is a reflection of my physical self over the years.
Bear with me.

I was talking to a friend today over lunch about my awkward years.

I was wearing glasses in 2nd grade. Huge ones, pink and purple rims. I looked like an owl. I was the biggest nerd there ever was.
My hair was greasy no matter how much I showered from 4th until 7th grade. I had bangs until 7th grade. Greasy bangs.

I was always made fun of for being skinny. It didn't exactly help that my mom made me wear these leggings that made my tiny legs look like tree branches. Actually, my legs looked more like the twigs that have fallen off the tree branches. I used to come home crying after gym days because the boys would make fun of me for being skinny (and I couldn't run fast, good). My mom had the same problem when she was little. She told me to tell them, "I'd rather be skinny than fat!". Thanks, mom. It didn't help.

I was undeniably awkward. As evidenced by this photo.
(that is a Principal's Award. *takes a bow*)

I had a unibrow (at least I'm honest about it now).
I worried about every single pimple on my face in middle school and high school.
I wore white eye shadow and sparkly make up/roll on gel 6th-8th grade.
I didn't know my hair was naturally curly until I was in 8th grade. I was too busy blow drying it until it was a giant poof on my head. I wish I had pictorial proof on this computer to show you all. I didn't know what a hair straightener was.

Artificial beauty aside, I remember how insecure I was. All of the "popular" girls in school were so pretty to me. I looked at them and just remember wanting to be them. I wanted to spend a day in their bodies. I wanted their butts even though I had boobs, something which they didn't (big butts were the thing, and I was 85 pounds going into 9th grade...I considered buying padded underwear, no joke). They got all the cute guys, and I couldn't even muster up a word to say to them because I was too shy.

I remember a night in 8th grade when I invited guys and girls over to my house, and after the guys left, they told all my friends how ugly and different I was from them and how I shouldn't be popular. Oh, I cried so much. I wasted so many tears. I remembered thinking to myself, "I'll show them, someday I'll be a famous singer and they'll be wishing they were all my boyfriends." I didn't become a famous singer. But I did gain some confidence along the way.

I'm not shy anymore, I'm outgoing. I'm comfortable with myself. I'm secure. I look in the mirror and think that I'm pretty most of the time (I have my days, too).

I was thinking about this today looking at one of the girls on facebook that I used to stare at in awe in middle school. Turns out she's not as cool as I thought she was. She is still in Horseheads, works at a restaurant and doesn't go to school. The popular girls ended up not so popular after all.

I was worried about nothing. If I could tell my 7th grade self something, I would tell her that she's beautiful. That the waiting will be worth it. That those girls and those guys that put you down, they will mean nothing in the end. That sometimes imperfections are what make us who we are. And that a little awkwardness makes for great memories, pictures, and a lot of laughs at a childhood I look back on fondly.

On a final note, please watch this video. Girls especially. This is so empowering. We all are unique. We all are beautiful. Don't change who you are.

Very Superstitious....Writing's on the Wall

2010-10-06T14:32:00.000-07:00

I'll give you a million dollars if you know who sings the song referenced in my title. Way easy. And by a million dollars, well, that's code word for a hug. Virtual hug because I'm too lazy to get up and out of my apartment to give you one. Unless you want to come visit.

The topic today is superstition.

A certain thing hasn't been working out for me for the past two months (ahem, getting my nursing license from the state of New York). Everything that could go wrong, has. I've had to turn down a job that started at the end of September, and with my job fastly approaching in 19 days, I am anxiously awaiting and calling the board of nursing every single day. Yesterday I cried on the phone to them. They made me resend an application all over again. Let me reiterate, my job starts in 19 days. Let me restate: Everything is going wrong.

I've been looking at my predicament and thinking, "Maybe this is meant to be. Maybe this is happening for a reason. Maybe I'm not supposed to be here." I've been called superstitious. But these chains of events are freaking me out. What does this all MEAN?!!? Probably that I'm going crazy.

I've been toying with the idea of going back to school possibly. Seriously, Amy? Like, you told yourself you would never, ever go back to school. Well, the real world disease kicked in and the only cure for it is more education. I did some casual research yesterday and turns out, I have to take my GRE's. Good thing I have no idea what the GRE exam entails. As I'm walking out of my apartment this morning, there was a box of free stuff left by another tenant. On the top of the pile of stuff was a large book: "Taking Your GRE's" (a $40 value, I may add). I picked it up, never one to turn down a bargain, and then realized what a coincidence this was. Wasn't I just thinking about going back to school? Scary.

I've also been thinking, what if I don't get this job? I'll have no money, I'll be homeless. I may not be able to afford this apartment, and the next job orientation would be for the end of November. I wake up this morning to a message from my cousin telling me she's looking for a place to live in the winter. Another weird.

My dad told me, I'll know when it's right. To not take a job unless I'm absolutely happy with it. What is this telling me? I need to seriously pray.

Tick Tock.

2010-09-27T14:52:00.000-07:00

2 days until I am back in Utah for a 5 day weekend. Excited.

Updates....

This past weekend, my dad came into town to drop off my grandma a new car. You should have seen her face when she saw it. She was in shock and oh so excited. She expected something similar to her 1988 Toyota Camry that she recently sold for $100 (but we loved that car, so much)....This car was a 2009 Aveo. Light blue, gorgeous. I was so happy for her. We had a family dinner and surprisingly, my Uncle and his family were there, as well as my Aunt whom I haven't seen in over 2 years (long story). My little cousin was there, too. He is 5. Oh, Christopher, how I love you. We played a lot. I absolutely love playing with little kids and watching them grow. I can't wait until I either a) have some of my own to play with and b) work with lots of them at a hospital/clinic, whichever comes first.

(it took about 15 minutes of chasing him down for this picture...He said "Can you please send this to Matthew?" (my brother)")

Seeing my family is something I really look forward to and love, especially since I live away from home permanently now. My dad dropped off some of my clothes for fall. I love fall weather. It's starting to cool down here as of yesterday, but it's raining now. I ran a lot of errands today in the rain. It feels good to be productive and get things done.

My family recently switched to AT&T due to Verizon Wireless customer service being unprofessional, unfriendly and ridiculous. So far, my experience with AT&T representatives has been nothing but positive. They are so nice and helpful. It's been great. I now have an iPhone that I'm obsessed with. I'm a complete nerd with it; I've downloaded 3 applications for nursing to help me with my job: an RN help guide, IV drip rate calculation, and a medcalc app. Lovely.

I've found something to occupy my time until October 25th. I am going to be volunteering for Room to Grow, an organization that collects clothing/toys for children ages 0-3 living in poverty. Sadly, I will only be sorting clothes and toys, indirectly helping these children. I'm pretty sure the woman over the phone thought I was a tiny bit overqualified. I am excited to help, though.

I can't wait to start nursing again. I feel like such a nerd saying that. I just love talking to the patients and helping them get better. I'm sure I'll be complaining about my busy schedule later on, but right now the compassionate side of me is kicking in. I think I realized how much I missed nursing when I went to the nursing home with Jackson. Talking to Norma and helping her get into bed was one of the highlights of my week (and I'm happy it was with you, Jackson ;) ha). Even if it was something so simple like that. This sounds so ridiculous, but seeing a med cart and nurses with stethoscopes, ah I just wanted to be there and help out with them. I'm so grateful to have passed my boards on my first try and to be a registered nurse. And especially to have my Bachelor's. I'm not trying to brag, it just feels great and it's such an accomplishment for me. A huge goal in my life is complete.

Sufjan Stevens - Jacksonville

Cabin Fever.

2010-09-23T14:02:00.001-07:00

I'm about to turn into Jack Nicholson from The Shining.

That is all.

Rage, Part 2.

2010-09-23T11:38:00.000-07:00

If you don't want to read about my woes with the New York State Board of Nursing, please feel free to skip.

Ed and I at the NYS Board of Nursing, Office of Professions had gotten to be good friends. He sounds like he's about ready to retire, and is very blunt about the disorganization of the Board of Nursing. We've talked about three times on the phone. He checks things for me, only to tell me that my license has not been approved yet and does not know why. What he neglected to tell me was that he was not the man I should be talking to. Until today. He gave me the right extension number, and off I went, never to talk to Ed again.

Extension 280....I call. A woman answers the phone who is kind (I'll give her that). I tell her I sent in my application on August 3rd, had been calling, called the Pennsylvania Board of Nursing, everyone did their part, so everything should be in.
Her response: "Oh. The reason we didn't approve your application was because page 4 of Form 1 wasn't notarized. Re-apply. We're 6 to 8 weeks behind in opening mail, so make sure you call us every few days so that we can look for it in the mail."

You know what I'm not cool with? The fact that they received and opened this piece of mail on August 6th, 2010. They realized the mistake, that I'm sure others had made before me. It is now September 23, 2010. A month and a half later. I wasn't notified that my application wasn't approved. Did they just assume I'd know? Let me clarify that there were about FIVE applications that I had to fill out. So it was a total guessing game as to which one was prolonging the approval. Was it the Child Abuse Check? The Penn State Education Verification? The Pennsylvania License Verification? The two applications to apply for licensure in NY State?
I'm glad I know the phone number to the NYS Board of Nursing by heart now, along with the zip code of the office. Just some more useless knowledge.

Cross your fingers that I have my license by the middle of October, or else I'm homeless.

Okay, ending rant.

Rage.

2010-09-22T21:04:00.000-07:00

Maybe my hormones are out of control today, I'm not sure what..But a couple things have been pissing me off.

First of all:
I'm waiting in line to refill my subway card. There were 2 women having quite a bit of trouble using the machine ; they were international and obviously have never used a metro card booth before. I'm patient for these people; I know what it's like to have used it for the first time, I've been a tourist too. The man in back of me, however did not like this. He stood there, a man in his early 30's, his iPod buds in his ears, reeking of alcohol, in businessmen attire and started yelling at these women. Swearing like I've never heard someone swear before. I got scared, but most of all I got angry. It took me so much energy to hold my tongue. My heart was racing. A few girls started yelling back at him for disrespecting these young women who were European and couldn't speak up for themselves completely. He yelled back that he paid his taxes and deserved to be first in line, in front of these women. "Welcome to America," he yelled to them in the angriest voice I've heard in a long time.
What a great example of an American citizen to these European women.
You don't yell at a woman, especially in that tone of voice. Golden rule. He was being so mean and unkind. I'm kind of glad that these women probably didn't understand many of the words he was saying, but I did and I felt the brunt of it. What if they had yelled back? It scared me to think about what he'd do next, he was so angry. My heart was pounding for probably 15 minutes after this event. I had to pace around in order not to push this man onto the subway tracks.

Second:
We had a regional YSA sacrament meeting involving members from all over the Tri-State area. Two men spoke, I came in late (oops) and caught the last 3/4 of the first talk. This guy was speaking straight doctrine. For a convert like me, it's a little bit hard to pay attention/relate to this. The second speaker was a high-esteemed man, he maybe name dropped and talked about this a little too much, but his stories were really touching to me. Rather than straight doctrine, he related it to his life. I can respect that. What I can't respect are these young adults that were in this meeting who wrote in their facebook statuses (of all places) about this man's talk and how he was "arrogant", "self-centered", "outrageous", "nauseating", etc. If this man was all of these, I don't think he'd give the time of day to devote a talk to young single adults. Have some respect.

That is all. Headache.

6 years.

2010-09-22T19:32:00.001-07:00

Ode to LOST

"On September 22, 2004, at 2:15 pm local time, Oceanic Flight 815 left from gate 23, and took off from Sydney, Australia, scheduled to arrive in Los Angeles at 10:42."

I love you, Carlton Cuse & Damon Lindelof (the writers of Lost, come on now). You made my last two years of school bearable. A corner of my living room junior year of college was deemed "Amy's LOST corner" due to me sitting there all day/night watching Jack, Kate, Sayid, Charlie, Hugo, Desmond, Locke, Juliet and Co. try to survive on this crazy island that you created.

You made my lifetime dream evolve into an unrealistic one of crashing in a plane and living on a mysterious island.

Every time I book a flight, I check to see if the flight number is 815. Not only that, but every time I’m boarding a plane, I closely survey the other passengers and try to figure out which character they would be. This leads to awkward staring…But I want to know who to form an alliance with and who I should leave to fend for themselves.

Happy 6th Anniversary, LOST.

Love, Amy

(I would be Kate if I were on the show)

Not having a life.

2010-09-21T12:45:00.000-07:00

I'm stuck.
No license, still.
I don't really know what to do.
I sit home all day.
I don't really have a lot of friends here (who am I kidding, I have one).
I'm not complaining, but I figured I'd let you know what I'm doing with my life as an unemployed, college graduate. Via a list.

1. I'm reading a lot. "The Private Lives of Pippa Lee" is sitting next to me right now. I'm almost done with the Hunger Games series. I visit the library at least once a week.

2. I cleaned my apartment. I haven't decided yet whether it's out of pure boredom or simply because this is MY apartment now and I want it to look nice. I'm hoping it's the latter. I also made my bed for the first time (in years) yesterday. I should have taken a picture on this glorious, rare occasion.

3. I'm walking a lot. I figure that will save on subway costs. I walked from church (66th and Columbus Ave) all the way to home (38th and 3rd Ave). A 45 minute walk, almost 3 miles. It was nice to talk to my Mom on the phone. She's crazy but I love her.

4. Talking to my Grandma. This takes up a lot of time. Usually it takes about 45 minutes to an hour. Grandma is lonely like me, apparently. She loves to talk. I need to go visit her soon. I have no excuse not to, considering it's only a 35-40 minute train ride. Maybe I'll bring her some food.

5. Doing nonsense things with Kevin. That is all I have to say about that.

6. Netflix just arrived. Hello, Summer Heights High Season one and "Youth in Revolt"...Honestly, I have no interest in seeing the movie, but I read the book so I feel it's necessary. Book nerd = me.

7. Avoiding grocery shopping. Success.

8. Finishing up Season 2 of Dexter, only to realize that Season 3 is no longer available for Instant Play on Netflix.com. Which means, I will be quickly finishing these DVDs that I currently have.

9. Checking my mailbox. Yes, it's one of my pleasures of the day.

10. Sleeping/laying in bed. I guess buying my first mattress as a grown-up was a good investment, I'm definitely making the most of it.

I'll add to the list if I remember what else I'm doing. But, this list is basically what my life revolves around at the time. Pretty sad.

Penny Saver

2010-09-20T16:54:00.000-07:00

Today, I made a piggy bank. This is the first piggy bank I've had in over 10 years. Sadly, it's a gatorade bottle and not a pink porcelain pig, but what's the point of purchasing a bank when you're diligently trying to save money? So far, I have about $5. It's a start.

I have a lot of cash, thanks to a cute guy paying me back for half of a plane ticket. I have more than I know what to do with; I usually never have cash on me. So, what I've done: I put the cash in my underwear drawer, and will only take $20-40 out with me at a time. I've also put my debit card in hiding (okay, it's in the underwear drawer as well). Please don't use this knowledge to your advantage, break in and raid my underwear drawer. Precious things lie in there.

I'm pretty good at saving money. I guess not the best, but better than your average girl who loves to shop. I'm all about sales/clearances. I miss WalMart and all of their rollback prices. I've always wanted a Smart Car because they're cheap and would save on gas, but when my dad told me if I ever got into an accident I'd "lose" (his word), I reconsidered.

A random convenience (I realized today): My only excuse to not go to the gym is because I have no money. Good excuse, Amy.

I loathe the grocery store on the corner, D'Agostinos for marking up 2 hot pockets for $4.00. Hello D'Ag, I can get them for $2.00 at home. This is one thing I do not like about the City. Sometimes I feel like eating out is about the same price as shopping at these ridiculous grocery stores.

Kevin and I have no pots and pans. We also don't have a couch, but I'll save that for another post. This forces us to eat out a lot. Not good for my wallet or my love handles. However, investing in pots and pans is useless when we have some at home waiting to be sent here via one of our parents. So, I've decided to eat less and savor my food by rationing leftovers.

Anyway, this is my written vow that I will try to save my money as best possible. I will put every spare coin that I get into this jug, I will search the streets for pennies, and I will be a millionaire. (K, just kidding about the last part..I wish). I will only go shopping for clothes if the urge is absolutely undeniable (jk, I'll try not to go).....That is all.

UPDATE:
So, I'm on my way back from 86th street and need to refill my MetroCard. There are four machines: All of which are flashing, "NO BILLS". Good. I decided to be a penny saving-savvy girl and keep my debit card at home, and this is what happens. Lesson learned...Guess I will have to bring that sucker everywhere, and only use it just in case.

Smiles.

2010-09-18T15:16:00.000-07:00

Early yesterday morning, I got back from a lovely trip in Utah.
I'll start out by saying that I feel like the luckiest girl in the world right now. I am loving life.

Some highlights of the trip:

On Friday, Jackson and I went camping in a way I never have before. We hiked about an hour up a mountain to find a good camping spot. I thought we were going to die from carrying heavy packs (interestingly enough, this wasn't the only time one of us thought we were going to die-- I'll get to that in a second). It was a night of firsts....First time setting up a tent, climbing a mountain, playing a clean game of Never Have I Ever and roasting starbursts. Jackson was pretty sure a bear was about to attack multiple times throughout the night thanks to us being paranoid, but thankfully we left unharmed.

Starting our journey....
Our campsite!
Sitting in front of our lovely fire.
On Monday, we went long boarding. It was my first time and I absolutely loved it. From now on, it will be my "skiing" fix for the summer/fall season. The breeze, cruising through nature..It was awesome. And I did pretty good, minus my dismount at the end. I crashed the long board into a fence (sorry Robby).

On Thursday we went to volunteer at a nursing home (Jackson's idea, best idea ever). We spent some time with a 90 year old woman named Norma. She was a fun lady to hang out with, and had some great words of wisdom, although some of it didn't make the most of sense. She touched my heart, kind of like every patient that I have the pleasure of spending time with. We asked Norma where she was from and she said, "Heaven. I'm going back there soon!". There was a picture of her and her husband in her room from when she was a young adult. She was beautiful. It made me want to live in the 50's.

I won't bore you with every single detail of the trip, but I had so much fun. In fact, it was so much fun that I'm going back in 2 weeks.

A couple more pictures:

I don't know how or why, but we had so much fun with these broken sunglasses.

My last night in Utah--

And.....Most awesome face award goes to:

So, to my faithful 3 blog readers (plus one new stalker, hint: he's in the pictures above), that's my update on life. Still jobless, at least until October 25th. But, completely happy.

queer eye for the straight girl

2010-09-04T23:04:00.000-07:00

I have church in 7 hours.

However, there are 4 homosexuals in my living room that is empty. Everything is echoing.

I've been using this time as an opportunity to learn about what gay men talk about when they have "guy's nights".

So far their conversations have consisted of the following topics:
Tank tops.
The Spice Girls.
Christina Aguilera.
Rapping Nicki Minaj.
Dancing.
Tranny poses.
Diner food.
Shaving and trimming chest hair.
Nair debates.
Astrological signs and its' role in dating.

I guess I'm learning a lot.

Shine On.

2010-09-03T06:52:00.000-07:00

Unclose your mind.
You are not a prisoner. You are a bird in flight,
Searching the skies for dreams.
-H.M.

I just found this quote randomly on a website that I go to on occasion. It was at the top of the page. It really spoke to me. Last night I wrote in my journal that I felt as if I were a 'prisoner', that exact word. Ha. I think God speaks to you in the most interesting ways, or maybe it's a coincidence....Either way it's what I needed to hear.

I'm also really thankful that I have such wonderful friends and family that send optimism and love my way. Late night phone conversations, lovely cards of encouragement, pillow talk, heart2heartz, and just catching up with a friend that is missed (Shay!) goes such a long way. All of you are invaluable. So thanks so much.

F.

2010-08-31T13:36:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I belong here.

I'm having a bad day.

I got my keys to the apartment (forced to pay to make duplicates...isn't that their job), and was going to surprise Kevin with some decorations (Lady Gaga pictures, don't judge). I went in, and alas, there were 4 mattresses in my room. There was food in the fridge. Framed posters of bra and underwear-clad girls in the living room (too bad Kevin and I both like men). An air mattress, a microwave, a computer, trash. Please note that this apartment was supposed to be cleaned and repainted upon our arrival September 1st, tomorrow.

I lugged all of my stuff tons of stuff on the subway, and walked tons of blocks just to get to this place. I was so excited to get some of my things in there. I left them in a closet with a note saying, "Amy's Stuff...I'm moving in tomorrow, I swear I didn't break into your apartment, I have keys, please don't throw away!" Good job Amy.

Oh, did I mention it was 95 degrees today?

I feel like crying.

Last night, I went to a YSA event. It mostly consisted of me standing in a corner, eating two hot dogs and a burger all by myself. Yesterday, I found out that one girl from church defriended me from facebook. Today, I found out yet another did. Three other girls have in the past. Honestly, it just makes me sad. A lot of girls around here are clique-y. That is NOT me... I hate it. Since Lauren has left, I have no girl friends to my name in NYC.

I had to decline my first job offer because my RN License STILL hasn't transferred from Pennsylvania to New York. I called the NY Board of Nursing, they said "Sorry, we're 6 weeks behind in opening mail. Call back soon." Thank you, New York Board of Nursing. You ROCK.

More later.

Old Lady.

2010-08-30T14:42:00.000-07:00

I bought my first mattress today.

And, I declined my first full-time job offer (long story).

I'm getting ready to move into an apartment with my best friend, just upon realizing that we have no furniture (but I have a mattress!!) and we're doing it completely on our own.

What an "I feel like a grown-up" day.

Hitting the real world, hard.

YeSSSSSSssss.

pretty odd.

2010-08-27T18:05:00.000-07:00

I enjoy this picture.

And. I look so little.

4 years ago.

2010-08-27T16:51:00.000-07:00

This is my second post of the day. Bear with me, someone's lonely, and it sure is me.

Four years ago, I met my freshman roommate whom I haven't talked to since December 2006 for reasons that will not be mentioned. We loved eachother at first sight. We met another girl a few doors down named Lynn and we instantly became "best friends". We felt cool because we got invited to a frat party and a lacrosse party the first two nights. We all went, three 18 year old girls who didn't know what the next 4 years would have in store for us.

Farewell, freshmen year. August of 2006.

I attended my first semester at Penn State and aced all of my classes. I'm pretty sure it was the only semester that I read all of my books. Thankfully, because I got into nursing school February 2007 based solely upon my first semester's GPA.
I lived in Ritner Hall, 703. An all girls dorm in Pollock. I was one out of 11,000 freshmen.

It's hard to believe that 4 years ago, I was in my first year of college. Fresh out of high school, still a teenager. Young, naive. Having fun. Not even thinking about where I'd be now.
To be honest, I always thought I'd find the man of my dreams in college.

Unrealistically (looking back now), I figured I'd be ready to be married at the age of 22, and settle down wherever my "future husband" would be going to. I couldn't have been more wrong with my assumptions. It honestly never even crossed my mind that I'd be in New York City. Single (Okay, not married I mean).

Wow. 4 years ago. Bittersweet. The reminiscing started when my still-undergrad friends posted about "syllabus week". It hit me, I'm not there. I'm not taking classes. I was finishing my last class/clinical ever 3 months ago. I've come so far. Not giving up, yet :)

P.S. Do I look any older now as compared to this picture? Be honest.

Boyfriend, Part 2.

2010-08-27T14:27:00.000-07:00

Due to multiple requests:

Meet J.
(*See the disclaimer at bottom as to why I'm calling him that)

(A side view is more mysterious, right?)

We've been "dating" for a month and a half.
He's 6'4 and from Utah....He just moved back for a month indefinitely.
I'm way happy when I'm with him.

*Disclaimer: And that's all I'm going to tell you for now....Because last summer, I got my heart broken by a guy I met here. I don't want to jynx myself. I don't want to be vulnerable. Let's just say this guy is someone I want to keep around.

Boyfriend.

2010-08-26T13:33:00.001-07:00

So I have a boyfriend now.
Weird/crazy/I like it.

He's cute.

The end.

City Love- John Mayer.

oh, Mathilda Savitch.

2010-08-16T17:59:00.000-07:00

I loved this book by Victor Lodato (his first). So poetic and beautiful.

Mathilda is such a cute character, in her earliest of teens. So innocent, so clever. So many feelings. So much to think about. I don't think I'll ever forget Mathilda. She's captured my heart.

Just a quick synopsis (without giving away any spoilers): Mathilda's older sister died a year ago in a freak accident, leaving Mathilda the only child left in a family grief-stricken. All Mathilda wants is to find a way to "shock" her parents back to life. She wants attention. But most of all, she needs to find answers to help heal her own heart.

Naturally, I have bookmarked some of my favorite quotes from the novel. Read. Enjoy. Then read the book.

"...the weather made me feel like I was in my own private world... The sun was so far away it was practically sending a letter."

"Who knows what's under a house. The house you live in is only a recent development in the history of the world. Before it was a house it could have been a jungle or a desert. A million years ago it might have been the middle of the ocean. You don't know. You only know the here and now. The rest you have to imagine."

"How do things happen? How does your life happen? Most of the time it goes too slow, and sometimes it even goes backwards. But then one day you get shot into the future and then there you are, stuck in the middle of it. It should be like water, the future, but it's actually like mud. You sort of just sink into it."

"...Except Louis is blind from love. When you're in love, you're not too surprised when you lose everything. You're always sort of expecting it."

"A person's heart is a disgusting thing. You almost can't look at it."

"...[He] told me I shouldn't think about things like this. I shouldn't think about the very end or the death of my mother and father eor not having enough air to breathe. Dark thoughts, he called them. But he wouldn't know a dark thought if it bit him on the butt....It's a different time now...I've seen a lot of things. All of us have...We're different. We're not you.But watch me, okay? That's all I'm asking. Please watch me.
Because nobody knows what's coming.....The future is the biggest secret of all, and really, what's the rush?..."

Real World.

2010-08-10T16:04:00.000-07:00

No, not the TV show. Although I auditioned for that, met with the casting directors and never got a call back.

This is real life.

I am a grown up. I am a Registered Nurse. I've graduated, passed the dreaded boards (I was blessed with all 265 questions...Sarcasm). I have a license, so that means if I were to kill someone, I'd be legally liable. Craziness.

I've decided I love Labor and Delivery. It's funny. One time at a random church dance, a man came up to me and asked what my profession was going to be. I said I was in nursing, and this man goes "I just know it, you'll be an L & D nurse. Mark my words." I told him no way. I had no interest. Now, I almost cry everytime I see a woman deliver a child. I have even considered doing it naturally, even though I had sworn I will only do a c-section. Planned. But it's so beautiful. So, so beautiful.

Anyway, more updates later. Life is good.

reflect.

2010-07-22T19:19:00.000-07:00

Sitting in my far too big room in my far too big apartment,
Next to my air conditioner. Freezing.
Watching through my window a person/persons watching Family Guy on their big screen.
Since I can't hear from this far away, John Mayer's "Room for Squares" is playing on my iTunes (talk about a throwback).

I'm trying to relax. Trying is the key word.

I've been asking for prayers from everyone. No matter what God they pray to (the more Gods, the more ground I cover), or if they're atheist or non-spiritual. I hope I have God on my side tomorrow.

It's been a little while...

2010-06-20T20:50:00.000-07:00

It's been a month to be exact....Well, not exactly, but almost a month.

I've been happy.

I went to the lake with my second family. I've been with my best friends (thanks Marissa, Roni and Steph, love you), and I've made memories with them that I never will forget.
Kevin moved to the big City before me, and I missed him.

I went to California to enjoy some sun, but it was overcast. I still spent most of it at the beach. And just relaxing, and catching up with old friends...That aren't so old, but I just love them.
A day passed...A good day with a special someone. Then I was off again to the Bahamas, Paradise Island, the Atlantis. Although drinking the water wasn't the best of ideas and I was sick for most of the trip, I soaked in those rays and the beauty of the tropics. And family...Ali, even though we sometimes don't get along, you're always my wing (wo)man. I wish we could have found Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian. Oh well.

Well...Three days passed. Three beautiful days of friends. A going away party that turned into a bon fire in my backyard and hilarious stories to tell in the morning...In my bed. Pillow talk with Roni and Marissa is the best the morning after. We laugh. It's the best way to start my day.
I put off packing...But Saturday, I was off. Off to the world of grownup-hood. I think I realized it when my friends said "moving away party". This move is indefinite. I could be here for a long, long time. But so far, I'm happy. Happy to be reunited with friends (even though it's only been 2 weeks, Kevin withdrawals had set in) and a friend that's been in Utah for the majority of the year.

Right now, I'm going to bed early because I start my orientation tomorrow for work/my internship (cross your fingers I pass my boards so I can get a permanent job). I feel like a kid going to my first day of school. Except, it's a grown up job....And I've been to this orientation before. But still. I have my clothes laid out and book bag packed.

Graduation was the end of a wonderful life thus far. The new chapter of my life starts now.

Hello again, New York.

Dear Long Hair,

2010-05-24T16:10:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I cut you off on my birthday.
I thought it was a good idea at the time,
Your ends were dying and I had no other choice.
I thought it would bring a sense of celebration to my otherwise mundane, annual day of birth.
However, I miss you.
Sorry that the stupid hair lady cut you a little too short.
See you in a couple of months I hope. Come back soon, please.

Sincerely,
Me

euphoric.

2010-05-05T09:12:00.000-07:00

Today, I walked out from my last final of my undergraduate career.
As I walked, I waved my arms in the air clumsily, clicked my heels, almost started crying, and had a 5-year old-esque smile on my face that has yet to go away.
It reminded me of when I was walking out of elementary school, ten years ago. I could not stop smiling. I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. That's exactly how it felt. I felt like a giddy little kid.

So, here's to 4 long years (but it went by so fast) of

millions of memories. tears. laughter. parties. studying in the Hub with Emily. Chik-Fil-A. Hershey Med. 306.Intervention. regrets and mistakes. accomplishments. exams. ATI nonsense. Thon. dorm life. skipping class a lot. Taco Bell. sheetz (never thought i'd love a gas stations os much). countless clinicals at 6am and lack of sleep. countless naps to make up for the lack of sleep. old people, babies, moms, sick people, IVs, med calc, dreading taking a blood pressure, nightmares about med-surg, psych wards, having no idea what i was doing,

patients i fell in love with and will never ever forget.

love. heartbreak. a rollercoaster. stress.

But, it sure was one heck of a good time.

It's been real, Penn State.
PEACE OUT.

i want to save you.

2010-04-19T20:55:00.000-07:00

standing on the edge of morning
scent of sex and new found glory
playing as she's pulling back her hair
she drives away
she's feeling worthless
used again but nothing's different
she stayed the night
but knows he doesn't care

home by three
deafening quiet
the porch light's off
yes they forgot it
she'd cry herself to sleep
but she don't dare
then she wants to be a model
she wants to hear she's beautiful
she's beautiful

i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you

dressed by dawn and out the door
no light
she memorized the floor
so she could leave without being detected
she works till three
it's uniform
she dreams that he'll come by the store
she prays for days
the boys mean she's protected
and she wants someone to see her
she needs to hear she's beautiful
she's beautiful

i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you

and she won't sleep
and she won't sleep
at all

i want to save you
i want to save you
i need you
save me too
i want to save you
(let me save you)

Is it weird....

2010-04-18T21:50:00.000-07:00

That I still sleep with my teddy bear?
I'm 22 years old.
My teddy bear was mine before I was born. He was a baby shower present from my grandma's best friend (whom I recently confessed to that I still sleep with him every night...She laughed. I don't think she believed me).
When I was little, he was my 'security blanket'. I took him everywhere, absolutely everywhere.

In fact, you can't see it in the back...But I was probably about 4-5 years old when this picture was taken...At Niagra Falls. He was a part of the family photos...Cropped out is my little sister and dad. I have this photo because one day when I was about 8, I thought Teddy was kidnapped. I put this photo up on my door with a sign declaring him missing, to see if he'd come home. Well, he was under my bed and I found him later that day...But still. I loved him so much. I still love him.

I'm not crazy....I don't take him to sleepovers, and I can sleep when he's not around. But when I'm alone in my bed in the comfort of my own home/apartment, there's nothing more comfortable than my teddy bear.

Places he has been with me: Canada, Jamaica, California, Mexico, Aruba, all of Italy, North Carolina, South Carolina, Florida, Georgia, Maryland, Cayman Islands, etc. My teddy is probably more well-traveled than a lot of people.

Anyway...This is something that is maybe taboo, but is near and dear to my heart. I know someday, when I'm married I will most definitely not be sleeping with a teddy bear...But for now, he's all I have. I love him a lot.

nowhere to go but up.

2010-04-12T19:13:00.000-07:00

This is going to be how I will feel on May 15th. Floating off into the infinite abyss, unsure of what's going to be there, feeling like I'm ready for anything (probably not even close to it but oh well) with my head held high.
I graduate in a month.
Last Thursday, I got hired on the spot. It's temporary, 8 weeks, an internship just the same as last year in New York City (except instead of hip replacements, it'll be happy moms and their babies), but I'm hoping it'll lead me into something more permanent. On May 15th, I'll finally be able to call myself a nurse. I'll have a profession. Wowzas.
It's down to the wire, and I'm stressed. I put off things until the very end. But I'm here. I'm doing it, barely keeping sane but I'm doing it.
New York, here I come again.

Birthday Girl.

2010-04-05T23:19:00.000-07:00

I'm officially 22.
Past the age of legality, hitting birthdays that really are insignificant to nothing other than me getting older. And wiser? Hopefully.
Well, I am graduating in a month and 10 days.
I remember my birthday party when I turned 5 years old. My, have things changed.
I guess I'm a woman now.
I'm [trying to get] big big girl jobs now. I'm trying to figure out where I want to live.
I'm growing up.
But I guess I have been doing that since the day I was born.
And I guess I'll be doing that for the rest of my life.

Lisa Loeb - "Stay"

Don't let your dreams be dreams...

2010-04-04T21:04:00.000-07:00

So. Dreams are ways of recycling your thoughts. Things that have happened throughout your day, things you have thought about, things people remind you of.
You can't help your dreams, really. Right?
How can dreams feel so real sometimes?
They can make you laugh, cry, or wake up with an aching feeling for something that's not really real at all.

I wish I could control them sometimes.
I wish I could keep my mouth shut sometimes. Oh well.

Oh, I'm never speaking up again...
Starting now.

Tiny Update.

2010-03-29T18:29:00.000-07:00

As a lot of people may know, Amy has been busy lately.
See post below....Know that Kevin W. Elliott is my best friend in the whole wide world. I can tell him everything (things 100% of people would NEVER want to know) and he thinks it's beautiful.
I took a 6 day hiatus off of school because I wanted to spend time with him. I gained an extra family, and albeit tragic circumstances, enjoyed time with people whom I now love and respect very much. I learned that the Marine Corps. is a respectable group and can be a second family to those who lose their loved ones. I think all of us had a lot of fun reminiscing and celebrating the life of Tommy. I learned that it's okay. It's okay to celebrate in the face of loss. It's okay to make new friends and to have a great yet very sad weekend in honor of a loved one.

I also lost my dog Buster. He was 18 years old. I picked him out when I was 4. I watched him go...I watched him being injected with some pink stuff that took away his suffering and pain. I held his head and pet him while he was dying. I really will miss him. He's been in my life for so long; Longer than my brother has (not to say my brother doesn't hold the utmost importance in my life, but still).

Anyway, that's a sad tiny update on me. I'm thankful for my best friends in the whole world, and I'm thankful for my family. One thing I ask is that you all pray I get through the last month of this semester. I'm really doubting myself at this point.

Love you all...... www.amymarissa.tumblr.com